Author foolme Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Man, she'd REALLY have to be a pro at hiding her phone usage if she had a 2nd cell, as I've, obviously, never seen it and can only guess where she'd hide it. Her car? Funny I bring that up... She has always, in the 10+ years I've known her, been very possessive about her car and is VERY reluctant to ever have me driving it. Switching cars? Nearly unheard of in this family. Placing and retrieving a lojack on her car would be a delicate maneuver as I rarely have any business in her car alone. If she were sound asleep, I might be able to slip into the garage and place it, but I'd be concerned about even the sound of the car door opening/closing waking her as our bedroom is upstairs OVER the garage.
Author foolme Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 I would not bring up the "hey baby" incident again and just watch for suspicious activity. Does she leave her phone out in the open or does she take it everywhere she goes in house? You can bet that she has covered her tracks by now, if she's up to no good. Well, and yeah, my own investigation into cell records shows no one else being texted at the time she was texting with me.... Well, she DOES leave her phone unattended, downstairs, at night. A quick scan last night found nothing untoward. Though I knew she wasn't asleep and didn't have it long enough to deeply peruse every contact in her DEEP address book.
Author foolme Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 BTW, where did you stash the GPS tracker, betrayed? Inside or outside the car's cabin?
NervisPervis Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 That "hey baby" thing might seem small to some of you, but I can relate. My wife putting that into a text with me would send up massive red flags.
turnera Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Or...he could just tell her that it makes him wonder and ask her why she used it.
BetrayedH Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 BTW, where did you stash the GPS tracker, betrayed? Inside or outside the car's cabin? I snuck it in under her driver's seat in the middle of the night. Aounds like you might want to check her car for another cell phone anyway. For what it is worth, I think you should exhaust all of this searching to whatever extent you are able but then be prepared to accept that she's being truthful. Unless she has another cell, that "hey baby" was meant for you or it was an autocorrect issue since she had no other texts around it to anyone else. Plus, she leaves her cell out at night? My WS definitely didn't do that. Check everything you want to check to reassure yourself but once you do (assuming you find nothing), then it's time to start working on fixing this unaffectionate marriage. Good luck.
Author foolme Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 Thanks for the responses everyone. Earlier in the week, as I rode home with the rest of the family, this was the exchange: ME: Just to reiterate, at the time, it looked like you were texting with someone else and got mixed up where the "hey baby" text was going. After all, you haven't so much as said "love you" in over a year. let alone used a term of endearment. HER: Yes I have! ME: I'm hearing the more hurtful things you say.... "*******", "idiot", "stupid", "moron"... or maybe it's the striking me in anger at times... Most phone calls no longer end in "love you". If I say it, I get a "mm hmm. Bye." in return HER: Sorry* for that, but I get really tired of working constantly and seeing you do nothing to contribute or making what I'm trying to do more difficult by not thinking. I don't get how you can be your age and not think sometimes ME: I guess I don't think like you do. But if you feel I'm not contributing where I should be, please speak up. I often do dishes while you are sitting down but I say nothing. yet I get the vibe you are pissed when I do the same. But the fact is, I have this awful feeling I'm on the verge of losing you for good and am desperate to change things. HER: First, you aren't about to lose me, so put that out of your head. Aside from dishes, what do you do to improve or maintain the house? I may be sitting when you do dishes, but how many hours before that have I been standing and running around working with the kids while you haven't? When I sit, I'm burned out, done, exhausted. ME: Ok, 2 things then. Don't hold it in. When you want me to do something or have an idea, say it. HER: What have you done for the upkeep of the house? [note: We've owned the house for 6 years and it's just under 20 years old; also, we hire a maid to come clean every other week] ME: Ever? Replaced the bottom wood panel below the front door, installed the digital lock on same, trim the trees, cut the grass, apply insect control treatments, fertilize the lawn, installed a filter on the refrigerator water line, replaced ceiling tiles in the basement, regularly empty the kitty litter, shampoo carpets, clean the grill, change furnace filters, painted, drain the hot water heater, repaired the broken sump pump line... But otherwise, I haven't done much lately. SO, I'd ask that you make up a job jar (not a list) with slips of paper in it with various things you want done around the house. Would that be agreeable to you? Again, I want to restore your happiness. Interestingly, that was pretty much the end of that discussion. * - This was remarkable. It's the closest she has ever come to an apology for me since... Shoot. I can't think of one. My first wife? She practically used it as a punctuation mark.
Wanderer25 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 You you earning the money for the family counts to nothing? Just remind her that you have to do stuff on top of keeping the family afloat. Being SAHM means sharing more of the household responsibilities. Her 2K is contributing very little to the house. Or she can start working again and you guys can hire more help
BetrayedH Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Thanks for the responses everyone. Earlier in the week, as I rode home with the rest of the family, this was the exchange: ME: Just to reiterate, at the time, it looked like you were texting with someone else and got mixed up where the "hey baby" text was going. After all, you haven't so much as said "love you" in over a year. let alone used a term of endearment. HER: Yes I have! ME: I'm hearing the more hurtful things you say.... "*******", "idiot", "stupid", "moron"... or maybe it's the striking me in anger at times... Most phone calls no longer end in "love you". If I say it, I get a "mm hmm. Bye." in return HER: Sorry* for that, but I get really tired of working constantly and seeing you do nothing to contribute or making what I'm trying to do more difficult by not thinking. I don't get how you can be your age and not think sometimes ME: I guess I don't think like you do. But if you feel I'm not contributing where I should be, please speak up. I often do dishes while you are sitting down but I say nothing. yet I get the vibe you are pissed when I do the same. But the fact is, I have this awful feeling I'm on the verge of losing you for good and am desperate to change things. HER: First, you aren't about to lose me, so put that out of your head. Aside from dishes, what do you do to improve or maintain the house? I may be sitting when you do dishes, but how many hours before that have I been standing and running around working with the kids while you haven't? When I sit, I'm burned out, done, exhausted. ME: Ok, 2 things then. Don't hold it in. When you want me to do something or have an idea, say it. HER: What have you done for the upkeep of the house? [note: We've owned the house for 6 years and it's just under 20 years old; also, we hire a maid to come clean every other week] ME: Ever? Replaced the bottom wood panel below the front door, installed the digital lock on same, trim the trees, cut the grass, apply insect control treatments, fertilize the lawn, installed a filter on the refrigerator water line, replaced ceiling tiles in the basement, regularly empty the kitty litter, shampoo carpets, clean the grill, change furnace filters, painted, drain the hot water heater, repaired the broken sump pump line... But otherwise, I haven't done much lately. SO, I'd ask that you make up a job jar (not a list) with slips of paper in it with various things you want done around the house. Would that be agreeable to you? Again, I want to restore your happiness. Interestingly, that was pretty much the end of that discussion. * - This was remarkable. It's the closest she has ever come to an apology for me since... Shoot. I can't think of one. My first wife? She practically used it as a punctuation mark. You absolutely HAVE to keep having these kinds of exchanges. She has built up unresolved resentment and that will kill your marriage. Keep listening and keep making suggestions like the jar. When she has the courage to tell you what she needs, LISTEN and act on them. Keep asking. I believe the cause of most failed marriages is unresolved resentment. Resolve it. Keep going. I particularly like that you were attempting a pretty balanced approach. You weren't a doormat (get rid of that "I'm afraid I'm going to lose you" crap though because she needs to respect you as a man) but you gave her a fairly safe opportunity to say exactly what it is that is getting to her. Logical or not (women are um, not always logical) if you keep addressing her needs, I think you will see her soften. I recommend the book, His Needs, Her Needs. MC would also be a safe place for these kinds of exchanges. At the end of the day, all of these steps will show her that you VALUE her and what she is doing. Good luck.
Radu Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 (edited) Your wife sounds quite posessive and ball busting, and quite passive. That entire last discussion sounded whiny, it was all about 'to make her happy'. Happy with what ? She has just 2 kids, has a maid, you help out, you are the main breadwinner, and her blogging stuff is not about money ... that will most likely never make money. That is about attention, about having more and more and more followers, more ppl listening to you. She is mad at you for trying to pull her out of that, that is the affair partner my friend. ---- My mom has a friend. She got married at 18 to a guy who had just finished college. She didn't finish HS, he had a boy with him, when she was 24 and working as a cleaning lady he died. She was left without money, with no pension, with no retirement, with no money for wrongfull death [died of carbon monoxide poisoning, stupid accident]. She took cleaning jobs on the week-end, spent 60hs or more per week working for meager money. My mom convinced her to go back to school, she also did HS during this time, working this much. She just finished college, is trying to get her CPA license. She raised a wonderfull son without help from her husband's parents and payed the apartment off. I know you love your wife ... so it may be hard to accept this, but your wife is a spoiled bratty princess. I think she is escaping, is living a fantasy, but she forgot that you are the one who allows for that fantasy to take place, because you work. Edited July 22, 2012 by Radu
jnj express Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Hey foolme---you need to stand up for yourself. 1st---there is NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY in a mge.---if she thinks there is, then she needs to be awakened---she wants privacy she stays SINGLE You need to immediately demand access to everything including her car, all electronics, and anything else she is hiding----if she fights you, then tell her point blank---you will not tolerate her attempt at hiding things from you, and if necessary she can prepare to defend a D., suit---YOU MUST BE HARSH---to get your demands across to her---she doesn't like it---tell her once again leave or go file her own D. Basically threat of D/D is the only weapon you really have to fight with. As to the money----she is enjoying a very nice lifestyle, while you work, yes she brings up the kids, and does a little work herself, but SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO BERATE YOU, in re: finances As to everything else, once again you are letting her ride roughshod over you---you need to stand up for yourself---I believe I read a line where she has slapped you---do not ever allow that to happen again Right now your main 2 things that have to be corrected are, the issue of privacy, and the way she treats you. This can be corrected by FORCED conversation, very possibly at least 3 to 4 times a week, where everything is thrown on the table, and discussed, and resolved, and NOTHING IS SLID UNDER THE RUG If she doesn't like your proposals for fixing things, then once again I say to you, you need to be extremely harsh, and tell her she either helps with the needed changes to make this mge work, or she can and will find herself, a single divorced mother, who will now have to seriously work to support herself----DO NOT BE NICE ABOUT HOW YOU HANDLE THE FIX---The fix NEEDS to happen.
turnera Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Aside from dishes, what do you do to improve or maintain the house? I may be sitting when you do dishes, but how many hours before that have I been standing and running around working with the kids while you haven't? When I sit, I'm burned out, done, exhausted. ME: Ok, 2 things then. Don't hold it in. When you want me to do something or have an idea, say it. Is she a SAHM? I forget. If so, ignore this, because it's her JOB to do it all. The MAJOR reason I'm unhappy with my husband of 30 years is that I, like your wife, do 90% of the day to day work. He cooks once a month, does dishes once a month, and a few other things. And he expects me to thank him for it. And is quick to complain if his socks aren't matched or his drinks aren't in the fridge. Did you ever see that movie Breakup? The woman says you didn't wash the dishes. He says you want me to wash the dishes? I'll wash the dishes. She says I don't want you to wash the dishes. I want you to WANT to wash the dishes. He says, why would I WANT to wash the dishes? Do you understand what she meant?
Author foolme Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 She IS a SAHM. But your post is instructive because with all of the things she does to keep herself occupied, (PTO Executive, Chairperson of a major PTO fundraiser, blogging, attending networking conferences about blogging, outings with friends, and massages), she feels every bit as busy as some full-time worker, and then to add on the details of running a house??
turnera Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Ok, then, it sounds to me like you have let her become an Independent person instead of your wife. Have you ever read No More Mr Nice Guy?
Author foolme Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Ok, then, it sounds to me like you have let her become an Independent person instead of your wife. Have you ever read No More Mr Nice Guy? Picked it up from the library today and hope to finish it tonight. I see a fair amount of myself in the descriptions, though I don't have the mommy/daddy issues cited as common, IMO.
jnj express Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 All her charity work, and blogging does not take away from the fact that she is responsible completely for the house, just as you are responsible for giving her a nice comfortable lifestyle, and a good place to live, and food on the table, and a car to get around in----and all her medical ==I can go on and on As to dishes, do you not have an auto. dishwasher?? Things need to change, and they need to change now------If she doesn't like her responsibilities, tell her, maybe she can find someone else who can take care of her better than you, and you are willing to let her go----
Recommended Posts