louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I was with my boyfriend (now ex) for two years. We broke up about 2.5 months ago. So here is some background. I have always suffered from depression and anxiety attacks and have been dealing with them by seeing a counsellor. I had two serious-ish relationships before my ex and they both hurt me terribly. When I met my most recent ex he seemed different and made me feel great! So something inside me never wanted to let him go. About 6 months into our relationship i started talking about us moving in together within the next 6 months or so bearing in mind I was my ex's first ever gf. He kept telling me that he just wasn't ready but he could not give me some form of timeline. I wanted some form of committment because I was worried that it would be 'too easy' for him to just leave me. We used to get into a few arguements about the whole living together thing and we hardly ever saw each other becasue he was very into his uni work (there was a time wherein he had a huge assignment so I gave him as much time as he needed but monday through to friday he wouldn't contact me, he thought it was normal). The longer we had been together we got ourselves into a routine and saw each other on particular days and when or if I wanted to see him on other days he would always so no because he had too much uni work to do. So I neevr used to ask. So I started to believe that living together would solve all our probelms. He evenutally agreed and we told all our friends and fmaily that we were planning on moving in together and I even started buying things such as a TV and cutlery my ex was fully aware of all of this. However, he was never really 'that' interested in looking at places to live and towards christmas 2011 (we'd been together almost 2 years) I got the feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was never going to happen, so I confronted him. He told me he just couldn't do it and wouldn't be forced into it. I was so disapointed and went into a downward spiral. I began having anxiety attacks and I knew it would be hard for him to see me go through that but he stuck by me told me he'd never leave and that he loved me. So i decided to get help and went to see a counseller again and went onto anti-depressants. However, it didn't seem enough to him and he wanted me to see a phyciatrist and told he'd only stay with me if I did that for him. He began to make me feel like I was crazy or seriousllly mentally ill. I went to my dr who told me I COULD have a MILD case of OCD i tolf my my bf and he started using it against me saying things like I was obsessed with living with him and also obsessed with things like wanting to go on holidays with him. We had been together for 2 years and he couldn't take me on holiday! I ended up moving in with a friend from work and he moved in with his best friend. I tried my hardest to get over it, I started going round to his new place (even though it killed me), I took him furniture shopping for his new place. We went to his aunty's for Easter and everyone was asking him about how his new place was going and I sucked it up and just sat there with a smile on my face. Things were getting a bit better but if I'm honest we were both unhappy, the whole thing had taken its toll on us. But we loved one another and we wanted to stick with it. I went out one night for friend from work's birthday we went to a footy game and we all drank a fair amount of alcohol. After the game we wandered over to the pub where we continued to drink we were all sat chatting and next thing I know a friend of mine leant in and pecked me on the lips. I pushed him away and started crying and left the pub (I'm not a cheater and I freak out when I have any male attention whilst i'm in a relationship. About 1.5 years ago a guy tried to dance with me and i ran away, hid in the toilets and cried. My sister had to slap me around the face and told me to get my **** together). I went straight home to call my ex and tell him what exactly happened but my housemate told me I needed to calm down and sleep on it, so I did. I also decided that I needed to talk to the guy that pecked me to clear the air because we work together. We had a private facebook conversation wherein he told me he found me attractive and we both said that if we had met each other earlier or later in life things could have been different (but we have no feelings for one naother at this moment in time) I had a bf and he was seeing someone. He was concerned for me because I seemed unhappy. The next day happened to mine and bf's 2 year anniversary and I wanted us to have a good day because things had been so bad. We had an awesome weekend and we seemed so happy and so in love. On monday morning I dropped my ex off at his place, he got out of my car, kissed me, told me he loved me and that he would see me tomorrow (that was the last time I saw him) I was meant to see him on Tuesday and he said that he felt unwell and didn't want to see me but he was well enough to do uni work. I got a bit cranky with him and we had a bit of a tiff, I apologised and he said he understood and that he loved me. My housemate then called me about an hour later and asked me if I had plans that night as I no longer was seeing my bf I said no. He asked me to go to steak with some of his friends (one being the guy who pecked me) I said that I felt uncomfortable that, that guy was going to be there but my housemate said I would make it worse if I was going to act awkaward about it. Plus I didn't want to sit at home and stew about not seeing my bf so I decided to go. I told my bf over text and he said he didn't want me to go (he;s never stopped me from going out with anyone ever before). I asked him why, and he said he had a 'vibe' that i'd done something the other night that I shouldn't of. I called him straight away and I freaked, I know my bf and I know he over reacts I knew that if i told him some guy had pecked me he would break up with me, so I kept saying nothing happened and he kept saying he didn't beleive me, he kept pushing and pushing and pushing until i cracked and told him. He still didnt believe me and kept saying I kissed him back (which is'nt true) I felt under so much pressure and by this time I was histerical so I said "if that's what you want to think then fine". He hung up on me and called me back a bit later on and said he could never forgive me and broke up. From that day on he has refused to answer my calls, has only replied to my messages to say that if i go to his house he'll call the police. I was devasted so i went NC for 4 weeks. However, I broke NC when it was his birthday I didn't expect him to reply but he did, he just said 'thanks' I wasn't strong enough to leave it and asked him to have coffee with me, he refused told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me ever again. So I went back to NC but broke it again because i needed closure I wanted answers. we sent some emails back and forth wherein he told me that he believed I was planning on having a relationship with this guy who pecked me which is stupid, but no matter what he said he was convinced that I liked him and he liked me end of story. He then got over talking to me and kept telling me I was harrassing him!! I went out with my sister drinking about two weeks later and I was very drunk and had just had an argument with my sister and I stormed out of the bar, I bumped into my ex on the street and he didn't recognize me (I had my hair done cause I was trying to make myself feel better). I stopped him and he coulnd't look at me just kept staring at the ground saying 'we are no longer together', I got really upset I kept apologizing and asking him to talk to me. He wouldn't so I yelled, and he told me to stop harrassing him. I went home straight and sent him an aplology but he never replied. Has he overeacted about our break up? He never asked me anything he just assumed that I was cheating on him, left and refused to talk and see me. I can't believe he broke up with my on the phone after being with me for 2 years. Did I overreact when I saw him for the first time after the break up. Should I wait for him? Or should I move on?
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) Just adding also he did little quarky things. Like for our 2 year anniversary he got me a "with deepest sympathy" card and when we went to get presents for our anniversary I went around the shops with him to get his from me, but when it came to me getting mine from him he dcided he'd go and sit at a coffee shop and I'd have to wander around the shops on my own. He'd never take me anywhere for valentines day cause he didn't believe in it and i just sucked it up because I loved him. I know now that my ex read the facebook conversation but I have never ever game he any reason to not trust me. He always had use of my phone so if he wanted to he could check my texts, calls and facebok. I think he read the facebook conversation and this is where he got his vibe from, was he wrong to do this? Edited July 17, 2012 by louisehawley6
Sameold Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I'll be 100% honest. Regarding Facebook, as someone who logged in to their ex's facebook account and found flirty inappropriate messages that she sent to some guy at work the week before she finished it...I'm glad I found out she wasn't the person I thought she was. She's now dating him haha, and yet she thinks she's done no wrong. You saying "things could be different if we met at another time" is bad and would have really hurt your boyfriend. Why would you even entertain such a conversation. People think they can say whatever they like on facebook and then if someone logs in to their account they act like they have been wronged. People normally have a justification for checking these things, I logged in once during 4 years and it was the one time I thought something was wrong and it was..the bitch. The rest of the situation seems a bit of a mess but to be honest you just have to let it be now, I think he's made it clear he longer wants to entertain any communication with you. He has probably decided that: a) he doesn't trust you b) he doesn't love you It sounds like he is employing NC so I guess the only way to really recover from this is to do the same. Sorry if I have been a bit harsh but it struck a cord with me as I had to log in to my ex's FB account to find the whole story and how ****ing horrible she had been. She would have just let me walk off thinking "her feelings have changed". No, she had changed in to a girl set for GIG syndrome and future divorce.
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I know it hurt him and I take full responsibility for that. However, I said to him that I would do anything possible to ensure him it wasn't what he thought. I no longer have a facebook account. I told him I'd also go on a lie detector test, leave my job. I've not spoken to this guy again and i don't plan on it. I've asked my ex countless times if he doesn't love me anymore and he completely ignores the question. I think it's really unfair for him to have jumped to some stupid conclusion after reading something, I completely understand how he would of felt reading it but he should have spoken to me and I would have set him straight. Like I said I had never given him any reason to not trust me, I hardly ever went out because I'd prefer to spend time with him instead. Facebook is an online medium which has no tone or emotion to it. I'm sorry but I'm not like your ex, I have beat myself up every single day and am truly sorry for hurting him, but he has hurt me too. Your ex is now dating that guy, I never had or will have any interest in dating the guy. Yes we both said things could maybe have been different. But that wasn't said because I had feelings for him it was said because I have no idea what the future holds, but i also said in the facebook conversation that I loved my bf and wanted to make it work with him.
Samilia Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I personally think he took the excuse of that kiss to get away from your emotional and mental baggages. You don't move in with someone after 6 months just so you can keep them around and make it harder for them to leave you. That alone probably was your demise all along. You're ready to give up on everything for him, but think about it, he's only been sort of clear with you. He clearly told you to leave him alone and does not want to be with you, now I say "sort of" because he doesn't have the balls to give you the real reason behind the break up, keeping you hanging. You're freaking out because you think the "kiss" is the reason, when it clearly is not, he's using it as an excuse and you're buying it big time.
Sameold Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 To be honest Samilla makes a good point. Things clearly just don't seem to have worked out for you. In many ways I guess not understanding the real reason for the BU must be harder as you can have no blame or anger with the ex...I do honestly think you need to let go though and just let things be. He might even get back in touch if he sees you have dissapeared?
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I personally think he took the excuse of that kiss to get away from your emotional and mental baggages. You don't move in with someone after 6 months just so you can keep them around and make it harder for them to leave you. That alone probably was your demise all along. You're ready to give up on everything for him, but think about it, he's only been sort of clear with you. He clearly told you to leave him alone and does not want to be with you, now I say "sort of" because he doesn't have the balls to give you the real reason behind the break up, keeping you hanging. You're freaking out because you think the "kiss" is the reason, when it clearly is not, he's using it as an excuse and you're buying it big time. Thank you for your response Samilia. I have often thought that the whole 'kiss' thing was just an excuse and that's what a lot of my friends and family have also told me. After the break up I had a lot of time to think, and I honestly realised that I wanted to move in with him for all the wrong reasons and i see that now. There was a lot of my friends around me that were telling me that if he didn't want to live with me then he couldn't possibly love me. I now know that that is complete BS. However, in regards to my emotional baggage. He was completely aware of it. I sat him down after seeing him for about 4 weeks and explained to him my past and how I often have panic attacks. Told him that I understood that it's a lot to take on and if he thought it would be too much for him then we shouldn't get into anything serious. He told me that he was dumbfounded at how my ex's had treated me and he would never do that. After I initially mentioned us living together and he said no I let it lay it was only until we'd been together a good year I brought it up again, he showed me a lack of commitment. I asked him to take me on holiday he wouldn't. Most of my friends called him a part time bf. I was only allowed to see him either on a friday or saturday and I had to choose between which one (regardless if I had plans or our mutual friends wanted to see us) so he could go out with his friends the other night. I don't feel like I'm the one that is fully to blame for his break up. Plus why would he do it over the phone?
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Sameold... I do have anger towards my ex because he broke up with me on the phone. I know we both did things wrong in our relationship but I was willing to work on it. He made me go on anti depressants, and I did that kind of thing for him. There's not a day that goes by in which i wish i could turn back the clock, but for whatever his reasoning is he feels like he has to cut me out of his life. I was his very first gf for everything and i met him at 19. maybe within time he'll understand how much i cared and loved him. I don't think he'll talk to me again he's too stubborn for that.
Samilia Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Just because you told him doesn't mean it didn't take its toll on your relationship. And to be honest, seeing someone once a week makes me think about a booty call, the "part time" boyfriend, yes. I don't understand why you would stay with a guy who only gives you a day a week, doesn't take you anywhere, etc... sit back and reflect on it... why would you want him back? Why would you want that back?
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Just because you told him doesn't mean it didn't take its toll on your relationship. And to be honest, seeing someone once a week makes me think about a booty call, the "part time" boyfriend, yes. I don't understand why you would stay with a guy who only gives you a day a week, doesn't take you anywhere, etc... sit back and reflect on it... why would you want him back? Why would you want that back? Oh i know it took it's toll on our relationship we were both mentally and physically exhausted. I fully agree with the break up. I thought it was the best thing for us at the time. i just wanted to learn and then start a fresh with the relationship. But I tried to fix it, I went to a counsellor, i went on anti depressants. i decided that i needed to do something in order to fix it. Well I'd see him every sunday and then either saturday or friday night and then monday morning when i dropped him home and maybe a tuesday or a thursday after uni or once he had time after he'd been doing his uni work. I tell myself every day that i don't want to be with someone that doesn't do anything with me. But i suppose i get caught up on it because he was so comfortable. Do you think it was right for him to break up with me on the phone? I suppose i get hung up on it cause the last time i saw him before the break up we were good. About 2 hours before we broke up on the phone he had told me he loved me. It's all so confusing.
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Plus i wouldn't say it was a 'booty call' it was never about the sex with him. He genuinely did love me and i would never say he didn't, he just gave up.
Sameold Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 This sounds like you will never really know the truth. I once had problems with work, depression and my ex supported me through this. When we split up she threw it in my face (even though it had all been dealt with 18 months earlier). I made mistakes but ultimately I know I didn't do anything wrong, it was something anyone could have gone through. Ultimately it sounds like he bailed on you instead of working through stuff then so ask yourself is that really the man you want bringing up your kids?
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 This sounds like you will never really know the truth. I once had problems with work, depression and my ex supported me through this. When we split up she threw it in my face (even though it had all been dealt with 18 months earlier). I made mistakes but ultimately I know I didn't do anything wrong, it was something anyone could have gone through. Ultimately it sounds like he bailed on you instead of working through stuff then so ask yourself is that really the man you want bringing up your kids? I agree he did just 'bail' and that's what hurts. I ask myself 'what's wrong with me?" "why wouldn't he give me a second chance?" I really cared and loved him I feel like I can not trust guys anymore. I told him how badly i'd been treated by both of my other ex's but neither of them would ever of broken up with me on the phone I hate having panic attacks and am really trying hard to better myself. I feel like it would of been a lot for him seeing as he's never had a gf before me, but i think he might need to grow up a little, realize that at time's relationships are hard and they take a lot of work. It's not a case of when the going gets tough throw in the towel and admit that you've failed. To me that's a complete cop out.
Sameold Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I completely agree Louise, it is a cop out. Also don't believe his reasons for the BU, he will just be trying to relieve his own guilt. My ex told me "my feeling had changed" "i feel like the stronger one (as she is completely content with her job and I'm still on my journey working a job i dont enjoy)" "you never stopped calling me those stupid names (i used to playfully call her a nickname....yeh right good reason for breaking up". So...don't read too much in to what he says. For me I'd have never known the whole truth if I hadn't have put my detective hat on. Ultimately though I lost my ex as she saw an easier, more fun life, typical Grass is Greener stuff. As hard as it is we all just have to leave it. No relationship is perfect by the way and they don't all break up so don't feel you did something wrong, it was just him bailing on you when you should have worked on it.
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 There's something inside of me that thinks he was checking my facebook or phone all of the time maybe, which I don;t have a problem with because i never had anything to hide. I haven't spoken to him in a while but whenever I do he just tells me to leave him a lone, or that I'm harassing him. I want to be a secondary teacher so he knows that if he took it any further it would potentially ruin my chances of becoming a teacher. He's turned pretty mean to me. He gave me two reasons for our break up: 1. the kiss (unwanted peck) 2. he was unhappy. all he kept saying was that we had tried and we had failed...BS yes we had tried but your still just throwing in the towel. Human beings make mistakes but when they love and care someone so much they'll do anything to make it work (that's my belief anyways). I kept saying to him why don't you love me enough to give me a second chance and all he kept saying was 'please stop Louise'. PS. what did your ex do or how was she behaving in order for you to become suspicious and need to get your detective hat on? Just because although my ex got a 'vibe' i never acted differently, i wasn't distant or cold towards him, i was me, i swear he imagined this 'vibe' or like i said he'd always been snooping.
Sameold Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 My ex never cheated physically on me but did emotionally. I checked because I just couldn't understand what had happened to cause the break up, especially as it seemed so sudden. To be honest I don't believe that is why we broke up, the guy she was talking to just works where she did and it must be easy for her to chat away and flirt with him when things between us got/were getting hard with all the commuting we had to do. Pure and simple convienience. I lost her to a new lifestyle that she never thought shed want but when she became obsessed with having more friends and her job she obviously did. Like I said Grass is Greener Syndrome. She'll regret it one day.
Samilia Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Stop bringing up this kiss as the reason for your break up, that's not it. You need to open your eyes on this man, he's not that great by the way you described him.
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 My ex never cheated physically on me but did emotionally. I checked because I just couldn't understand what had happened to cause the break up, especially as it seemed so sudden. To be honest I don't believe that is why we broke up, the guy she was talking to just works where she did and it must be easy for her to chat away and flirt with him when things between us got/were getting hard with all the commuting we had to do. Pure and simple convienience. I lost her to a new lifestyle that she never thought shed want but when she became obsessed with having more friends and her job she obviously did. Like I said Grass is Greener Syndrome. She'll regret it one day. Oh okay, so you didn't check until you guys had broken up. That makes sense. I would of probably done the same. My ex admitted to checking my facebook after I told him what had happened, but he decided to create this scenerio in his head that looked like I was cheating or at least planning on having a relationship with this person if mine and his relationship didn't work out. Which is really far from the truth. He said his reasoning he broke up with me was because for the first half an hour of our phone conversation I lied through my teeth. This was because I kept saying 'nothing happened'. I said this because I was scared, I knew as soon as I said anything he would leave me and I was right. If I knew I could be honest with him and he'd believe me or give me the benefit of the doubt I would have told him straight away. However, later on he did tell me that even if I had told him straight away we would of still broke up so I was pretty much in a loose loose situation which is what I was trying to tell him. I get that he was unhappy, as was I. But I don't think that is enough of a reason to just give up. He said during our relationship he had never cried so much, fought so much or hurt so much. But what I tried to say to him was that's what comes with relationships. There's not two people out there that fit perfectly together and agree on everything. I know my panic attacks were a lot for him but like I said before I was getting help. I hope one day he will realise what he lost, but my problem is I know now he wont go out and find someone else it wouldn't surprise me if he wasn't single for a long time. Because he prefers his own company, I judst hope he realises that I wasn't that bad lol.
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Stop bringing up this kiss as the reason for your break up, that's not it. You need to open your eyes on this man, he's not that great by the way you described him. Samilia, I only keep brining up the whole 'kiss' thing because he did say that was one of the reason we broke up. But I do think it was an excuse. Personally I think it shows that he is a weak man to break up with me because of emotional baggage, unfortunatley there's not that many people out there in this day in age that don't have some form of 'emotional baggage'. I just want him to realise and want me back.
Author louisehawley6 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Sameold... I meant to say I know he wont go out and find a new gf. I wouldn't be surprised if he was now single for a while. When I bumped into him I asked him if he had a new gf and he laughed and said don't be silly.
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