clemson1 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) I have been dating my girlfriend for around 7 months. We started out 2 hours apart, but 2 months ago we started living in the same city. Long story short, we saw each other too often and this led to us fighting and her needing space. I could see she wasn't happy, she was acting distant and this fueled my anxiety. Needless to say, the month of June was stressful for both of us and she was clearly considering whether we should be dating or not. She felt that I either needed her, or we were fighting. Obviously this was exhausting for her. I learned to cope with my anxiety, and July 1st things started looking up. She was no longer distant, and we were back to normal. She was affectionate, sweet, and caring. On July 10th, I made the decision to determine where we were. I told her that I loved her, but I needed someone that felt the same or was at least certain that they wanted to be with me. I asked if that was her. After a talk, I learned that she did love me, and that she wanted to be with me. The rest of that week went very well. She was herself. We talked about what she wanted for Christmas, and she made comments about graduation gifts and made comments about how she had no plan for us to break up. We even planned a trip for September. We spent 6 days together [due to circumstance] and last Saturday we had a fight. We resolved it, but the following night I saw this: "I don't know whether I should be with him or not. All signs point to breaking up, but I don't know why. He is good to me, he will make a great husband/provider, and he does so much for me. But I don't feel butterflies anymore, and we clash sometimes. AHHH" She apparently never fully stopped doubting us. She had been since the end of May. She actually doubts many things at the moment, and believes her life to be a mess. She is trying to figure herself out, and trying to figure out if we have a future. I understand that butterflies go away eventually in a relationship, but it seems she doesn't. This is her first relationship. We are beyond comfortable together, and still share a deep caring. I'd agree that the excitement has dissipated from when we were long distance but it has been replaced by something greater. I understand butterflies as belonging in the honeymoon stage. They are the paper to the fire, whereas love/security is the lasting logs. I seriously thought about ending it, rather than feeling like I was just awaiting the inevitable but I truly love this girl and I think we are compatible if we get through this. If she could make it through June, then now shouldn't be a problem. I feel like we took a step forward to the next phase, but she doesn't seem to agree. What should my course of action be? Should I reassure her? Should I pull away and let her chase me? Should I end it, let her miss me, and see if she comes back? I hate playing games, but I tried the direct approach last week. She also told me that even during June, our most stressful month, she didn't question us while we were together. She only felt that way when we were apart and she could get into her head. Another piece of useful information is that she is terrified. She wants love, but is scared of it. She loves me, and has let me know, but is afraid to say it. She hates feeling vulnerable. I'm not sure if that applies to this situation or not, but it could. This change from a honeymoon relationship, to a more dependent, comfortable one could be making her afraid couldn't it? I'm just not sure how much faith to put in us with her constant doubting, and I'd really like to find a way to alleviate those doubts. I felt like I had been, minus that one fight, but apparently it was still something she thought about. Edited July 17, 2012 by clemson1
carhill Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Her butterflies are gone and she hasn't even told she loves you after 8 months of dating? Canary, choking. I'd start looking around for the mine exit and grab an oxygen mask to be safe. Sometimes, actually most times, the nebulous can be deadly. There's a lot of nebulous right now, from my read of your post. Translated, she doesn't sound mature enough for a committed intimate adult relationship. Miss.
Author clemson1 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Let me rephrase, she did tell me that she loves me. She's been telling me since 5 months in. She just questioned it during June, when we were stressed and told me for the first time in awhile when I confronted her.
Author clemson1 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I just can't handle the constant doubting, even if she doesn't act on it
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