Argh, I miss her and want her to be happy...but I can't let her go!

[Jamesblame]

My ex is easily the most painful thing in my life right now. I intellectually am ok with us not working out (and her finding love somewhere else), as well as liking who she is and wanting her and her family to remain in some part of my life, even on a tiny scale.

 

But emotionally I'm really driven by these protective feelings. During a NC cleanse of my social network, I saw that she changed her profile picture and my body freaked out -- adrenaline rush and chest pains -- even though there weren't any guys in it.

 

I'm a week into No Contact, and I see a lot of great benefits for myself. I'm sure it will get much better with time. But another part of me really wants the comfort of her love back. (Ego talking?). It just hurts to offer so much of yourself-- your dreams, your money, your time, your body, mind and soul-- only to have it rejected.

 

The emotional attachment is already fading whenever she leaves me alone. But yesterday she sent me this letter and it just ripped the scabs open again.

 

I just wish there was a way to get your emotions in line with your head.

[hk_1]

If anyone of you have decided to part ways then just stay completely out.

Do not keep in touch with her any more or you will hurt yourself more and eventually you will think that you can't live without her which is the worst thing that can happen to you after a breakup. Please do not dream of your existence in her life on a tiny scale after having a major relation with her; I don't think its good for anyone of you. That is the problem with love, when its over all others know its over only the one who is involved and more committed takes time to see simple things clearly. My sympathies are with you but you have to to be strong at this time. wish you best of luck.

[RogerWallace111]

My ex is easily the most painful thing in my life right now. I intellectually am ok with us not working out (and her finding love somewhere else), as well as liking who she is and wanting her and her family to remain in some part of my life, even on a tiny scale.

 

But emotionally I'm really driven by these protective feelings. During a NC cleanse of my social network, I saw that she changed her profile picture and my body freaked out -- adrenaline rush and chest pains -- even though there weren't any guys in it.

 

I'm a week into No Contact, and I see a lot of great benefits for myself. I'm sure it will get much better with time. But another part of me really wants the comfort of her love back. (Ego talking?). It just hurts to offer so much of yourself-- your dreams, your money, your time, your body, mind and soul-- only to have it rejected.

 

The emotional attachment is already fading whenever she leaves me alone. But yesterday she sent me this letter and it just ripped the scabs open again.

 

I just wish there was a way to get your emotions in line with your head.

 

How long were you guys together ?

 

I can relate. And I'm six weeks into no contact. Have whole weeks where I barely get down about it, and have been feeling decent to happy/optimistic 80% of the time I'd say. But on somewhat sh*tty days like today, for instance, I've been getting that hopeless feeling like I will never be fully content again. Like you, my mind knows our splitting up makes sense & was for the best in many ways. And the thought of her being with someone else doesn't bother me particularly. But a certain part of me feels like I need that comfort back or the loss of it is going to haunt me forever. I've come to terms with the fact that I still love her and always will in some way, but now I see just how much I loved spending time with her and having her as a friend/confidant. She insisted we had to be friends after she broke it off, and kept telling me she loved me, but after a torturous week of that I told her I had to be out of touch with her for a long period. It was the right move and my only path toward solace, but I sometimes entertain the thought of calling her up and getting the "friendship" back. Like you, I want her to be a part of my life even if we're not dating, but for me it quickly became clear I'm not that easy-come-easy-go type of fella who can handle that.

 

Seeing my ex's changed fb profile pic about a week ago (also guy-less & insignificant) gave me a minor adrenaline rush too, and got me on edge for a few minutes. It was the first physically-manifested pain related to her I'd had since the week of the breakup.

 

It definitely gets better with time. And you will of course find someone else to share all that stuff with who won't reject it. I won't go to deep into it, but in my situation a lot of what gets to me is this feeling like it could so easily be working still (in hindsight I think I more or less doomed things when I broke up with her a year before). In fact my ex seemed so reluctant to end it that I sometimes wish she had given me more of a straight up rejection to feel bitter about.

 

Stick to NC and you will no doubt feel better. Though you may have days where you get blindsided and end up putting a ton of thought into the could-have-beens and how much you love her, like I'm having today hahaaa. It just sucks man but it can only get easier in the long run...

[salmagundi]

it most likely is your ego talking. I was especially struck by how you talk about the investment, emotional and otherwise, that you made in your relationship. I think this is a big problem for most people in getting over failed relationships; they don't want to lose their investment.

 

But here's the problem with that thinking: con artists depend on it to get rich off of suckers that keep forking over more money into their 'investment' because they are afraid to lose their initial investment. In other words, they throw good money after bad and finish by being taken for everything.

 

Breakups are hard because you feel that you have lost all the time out of your life, the person, the good times up until the relationship going sideways. But their is a return on the investment even if it is over for good and thats the experience and everything you learn from it and use in your next relationship.

 

Or at least thats my positive spin, anyway...