Svet74 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Before the breakup So i never really posted my story.. just bits and pieces so i never really got any thoughts or opinions regarding my ex. weve been broken up over a yr and he still remains in my life. Met him at church and started dating right away. So i never really got to know him very well until after we broke up. we only dated 4 months. it was all too fast talking about marriage kids and all that. already knew when we were gonna get married. everything seemed perfect After the breakup His reason was that i changed and he wanted space. But asked to still be friends. there were some stupid things i did like text another guy inappropriatly and just me being rude sometimes but nothing big. In his eyes i changed and was not the girl he met. I realized that i did love him and could not be without him 6 months go by we were on and off with contact. I did the whole NC thing. only lasted a month. eventually he said that he felt like i changed. Basically during that time a lot of confusion. He was never clear. when i said im leaving for good he would get mad. He picked up on alcohol and partying and possibly drugs. I was just miserable By month 8 I decided to give up gave him the ultimanium (i know bad idea) either were back together or im gone. He chose back together but didnt act like it lol Then finally I said its over im moving on and gonna date other people. He said nothing. and just let me go. 3 months of NC did it to this time actually move on. I healed. enjoyed my life even met a new boy who didnt work out. His family for some reason got closer to me, talked to me so i got to know them during that time just at church. He on the other hand lost his job and kept his partying ways. Now He broke NC and got in touch with me. siad he needed to talk to me but lame excuse. we kept in touch for about a month or so now. He mostly fixed my car or my moms. We got to know each other a lil better and he finally seems like he is trying to change his life. During the time we didnt talk he told his relative that he needed to change for me. Not sure what that was all about. He flirts but still has not brought anything up about us. So i guess what im confused about it.. why after all this time he stayed in contact but yeah is not pursuing? He hasnt dated anyone seriously since me or nothing that i herd of and the other day i even told him i might be moving end of next year. he said nothing again.. Any thoughts?
Pod81 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Did he know that you were dating the other guy? He may have broke NC solely for the fear of you being taken by someone else. In other words, he "wants something that he can't have." If I were you, I'd remain no to very little contact. His behavior seems very wishy-washy. If he truly wanted you back, he would have said something clear by now and thrown his pride out of the window. Pride should never get in the way of love. Besides, wouldn't you rather be with someone who's open and honest with you? The other thing that made me raise my eyebrow is that he told his relative that he wanted to change "for you". Change should only come from within and be done for YOURSELF - not for other people. IF he gets back with you and becomes comfortable again- it is extremely likely that he would just revert back to his old ways.
Author Svet74 Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Did he know that you were dating the other guy? He may have broke NC solely for the fear of you being taken by someone else. In other words, he "wants something that he can't have." If I were you, I'd remain no to very little contact. His behavior seems very wishy-washy. If he truly wanted you back, he would have said something clear by now and thrown his pride out of the window. Pride should never get in the way of love. Besides, wouldn't you rather be with someone who's open and honest with you? The other thing that made me raise my eyebrow is that he told his relative that he wanted to change "for you". Change should only come from within and be done for YOURSELF - not for other people. IF he gets back with you and becomes comfortable again- it is extremely likely that he would just revert back to his old ways. Yes it was weird when i told him i was dating another guy he almost took it as a joke and was like oh who is this guy.. and then was like wanna go out with me tonight? Didnt take me seriously at all. I remained NC at that time and told him to beat it. As for him saying he wants to change first. THis is exactly what he said. I like her but we cant be together because i need to change first. when we got back in touch he would bring up change and he kept saying i need to change but i need to do it for myself. But i dont know why its so hard for me to quit. Basically he doesnt want to quit.
Pod81 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I can almost guarantee you that he really did want to find out about this guy, but thought it would come off as needy and desperate unless he did it in a joking manner. Both prideful and pathetic. In my experience, people don't change that easily, so I would assume nothing unless he proves to you without a shadow of a doubt that he does. I'm assuming he was the dumper and you were the dumpee?
Author Svet74 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Yes he was the one who dumped me, and I was the one who always initiated on NC or else he would keep talking to me.. and why? if you breakup with someone why not and move on? I never understood that
Blastoplast Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 You can always give it another try. Make it clear you thought maybe you were moving too fast -- 4 months isn't a long time to be dating somebody at all, it takes years to really know somebody, but first impressions are often correct. Just go with your gut.
Author Svet74 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I mean at one point I brought it up by letting him know I wanna try again and this was back in December. And he said yeah but didn't change at all. Things were still the same. I can take my chances and ask again but I feel like this time around he should pursue..
Pod81 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 How old is your ex? In my opinion, I feel the younger you are, the more likely you are to change/mature. To me, it sounds like he has one foot in the partying/confused stage but isn't quite there yet in terms of figuring himself out.
Author Svet74 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 How old is your ex? In my opinion, I feel the younger you are, the more likely you are to change/mature. To me, it sounds like he has one foot in the partying/confused stage but isn't quite there yet in terms of figuring himself out. im 24 years old and he is going on 27 I mean 27 is really not that young lol.. by that point those partying days should be low key i would think?
Pod81 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Unfortunately, none of us can put an exact timetable as to when he'll get tired of the partying scene and wants to settle down. As for myself, I got sick of it within a couple months in between gf's and I was 29 at that time. I have another close guy friend (28 years old) who was enjoying the partying life for a year after his ex of 4 years. He then found someone that he wanted to settle down with. This is a gradual transition and it's not like he'll just wake up one day and decide he doesn't want to live that partying lifestyle anymore. When he's through with it, your instincts will let you know. Like I said before, I would say he's in the middle of this transition phase, which is why everything is so confusing now. Have you also considered the possibility that there might be someone else in the picture? This may very well be another source of his confusion.
Author Svet74 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 I really dont think there is anyone else because no body said anything about the "other girl" He is also the type of guy that if he really likes someone and is serious about her he shows her off. I know this because he did that with me.. so of course i would know about this girl. The only thing i herd of is from his cousin. At one point he was hanging out with some girl he knew from high school, but he told her she is just fun and not marriage material. so she asked him why he is even wasting his time? Lately since he started talking to me i havent herd anything about the girl As for him partying it seems like he is doing it less then he use to? But im not sure because we dont talk every day. So its hard to tell. He lost his job back in feb. And now finally getting some money from his accident and wants to invest in a business thats what he told me. Maybe he wants to get himself financially together before he asks me out? do you think thats a possibility?
hinatticus Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 im 24 years old and he is going on 27 I mean 27 is really not that young lol.. by that point those partying days should be low key i would think? 27 is young. It's also a point in life where people get confused. Closing in on 30 is kinda scary to some people. My ex is 26 and is starting to go out more because she's trying to find herself. Get her job sorted out and whatnot. I have a buddy who still loves going out. He's 41.
AlexanderJames Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Did you consider the possibility that he popped back into the picture because partying and being single wore off and he was feeling lonely and down? It's always easier to contact an ex to see physical and emotional comfort than it is to chase someone new because those emotional connections have already been made. It happens to most dumpers from what I've experienced between 6 - 12 months. They are afraid of being vulnerable by putting themselves out there for someone new. So they chase up an ex, not because it means anything to them but because it's easy.. I've been on the receiving end of this with two ex's who dumped me and it came about at 5 months and 6 months. And admittedly I've been guilty of doing the same to my ex I dumped after 6 months. I don't want to be like many people on here that say when a couple split theres never a hope of going back successfully. But I do want to give you the alternative possibilities your asking for. But from where I'm sitting it sounds like the problems are with him. The fact that on more than one occasion he said to you "you've changed" when let's be honest, you didn't really take the time to get to know each other in the first place, says to me that he's either a commitment phobe, or has lots of problems going on in his life that he doesn't want you to know about so he just put the blame on you to take the easy route out. Either way I think this guys not worth losing sleep over. You've been apart from him for a long time now. Think about how bad things where for you at the start. And how much you hurt. Do you want to go back there when there's so much waiting ahead for you to discover?
Author Svet74 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 27 is young. It's also a point in life where people get confused. Closing in on 30 is kinda scary to some people. My ex is 26 and is starting to go out more because she's trying to find herself. Get her job sorted out and whatnot. I have a buddy who still loves going out. He's 41. yeah i guess everyone is different. im 24 and live my life like an old grandma lol. I dont like the club/bar scene. Id rather watch tv and go to bed early. And enjoy going to church
Author Svet74 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 It happens to most dumpers from what I've experienced between 6 - 12 months. They are afraid of being vulnerable by putting themselves out there for someone new. So they chase up an ex, not because it means anything to them but because it's easy.. The part where you say vulnerable... right now he is not vulnerable because he is not telling me how he feels. I would think that it would be easy for him to do with someone new.. unless he is afraid of getting hurt. Ive done NC so many times on him and was the one who initiated it too. Why didnt that hurt him? he always came back. As for the problems, yes eventually i stopped blaming myself and the breakup. And realized that he had problems before i came along. I just didnt know that. And after the breakup slowely it all revealed. Now i understand why he would say "why do you think everything has to do with you or that you did something wrong?" cause every time he was moody or stressed i thought it was something i did. He also had a gf of 3 yrs before me who cheated on him many times. And not a very good relationship with his dad. Those were some of the things he talked to me about. yeah i get its easy to go back to the old cuz a connection is already built.. so what after he fixes himself or whatever he has to do.. he might think oh now im ready to meet someone new.. i just dont get it
Pod81 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 I really dont think there is anyone else because no body said anything about the "other girl" He is also the type of guy that if he really likes someone and is serious about her he shows her off. I know this because he did that with me.. so of course i would know about this girl. The only thing i herd of is from his cousin. At one point he was hanging out with some girl he knew from high school, but he told her she is just fun and not marriage material. so she asked him why he is even wasting his time? Lately since he started talking to me i havent herd anything about the girl As for him partying it seems like he is doing it less then he use to? But im not sure because we dont talk every day. So its hard to tell. He lost his job back in feb. And now finally getting some money from his accident and wants to invest in a business thats what he told me. Maybe he wants to get himself financially together before he asks me out? do you think thats a possibility? That may be a possibility, but he should be concerned most about getting his maturity together. Once he establishes that, everything else (finance, career, ability to be in a serious relationship, ability to be open with communication) will fall into place. You can't have one without the other.
Author Svet74 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 That may be a possibility, but he should be concerned most about getting his maturity together. Once he establishes that, everything else (finance, career, ability to be in a serious relationship, ability to be open with communication) will fall into place. You can't have one without the other. yeah thats very true.. well i dont wanna wait for him or feel like it. I mean i think about him daily. But if i happen to meet an amazing guy i will pursue that especially now since my emotions are stable and im not attached if you know what i mean. i thought by now my love for him would fade away but its still the same
Author Svet74 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Should I just go back to NC and let him figure himself out? And if i should how should i tell him? I feel horrible right now
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