Reconciliation with Son

[LovelyKaren]

Hello. I am looking for answers about reconnecting with our Son.

My son will not speak to me or even text me. It has been a year now and I am heart broken. My husband and I are separated and our son chose to stay with him but Every time I go to visit them or call, he will leave and shut off his phone.

 

I have left messages but no response thus far. I know my husband has been trying to help and i deeply appreciate his willingness to look past the negatives and help me. At least he is talking to me.

 

I have been seeing a therapist for a while now and he is helping me cope with these issues. I know exactly what to say to my son but never get the chance to approach him. Even his boss at the garage he works at will tell me he is not working when I can clearly see his truck parked behind the shop.

 

My husband has told me he should maybe back off but thats easy for him to say when he sees him everyday.

 

I am looking for honest answers from people who have had this type of issue and how they resolved it.

 

My husband has already posted this question and seems to get some good but some seemingly terrible responses. I also need answers.

 

Thank you

[alexandria35]

Well Karen, since I read the other forums and I read your ex husbands thread about this, I know why your son isn't talking to you.

 

I also say you should just back off for a little while and let your son process it all in his own time. I think its a sad state of affairs when a son rejects his mother but you can't force it. The more you try to hunt him down (such as going to his work) and force him to listen to you the harder he is going to push you away. When you do things like that he likely feels disrespected and like you are going to try to manipulate him. Just give it a rest and let him feel what he feels and think what he thinks. He will let go of his anger in time. I'm glad your exhusband is trying to help him and encourage him to open up to you but I really don't think either of you will get very far until he is ready.

[fucpcg]

I once went 11 years without speaking to my mother. I get it. If you want to discuss, I am happy to do so by email or even phone. PM me your contact info if you like.

[2sure]

Have you considered writing him letters?

 

Write them, tell him how you feel about him and what changes have been happening in your life. If you have something to apologize for, then do that.

 

Dont go on and on. Nothing heavy heavy. State that this letter requires no response - written or verbal. Send it in the mail.

NO Obligations or expectations.

 

Next week , send another. You miss him. You love him - and you need him to know that but respect his boundaries.

 

Keep sending. At least you are communicating to him...not with him but...

He might read them and hear you.

[onthefence210]

Karen...you will never be forgiven by ur son ever until you first take full responsibility for the A. You can't even explain what u did in order for ur son to be mad at you. Yes, most of us have read your STBXH thread, so we already know, but honestly there just doesn't seem to be any true remorse or ownership here of what you have done and I'm sure your son knows that.

 

I am a FWS so I have been in ur position and can see only selfish attempts of wanting to speak to your son. Yes you betrayed not just ur spouse but ur son. You shattered his world. He has probably had to explain to a lot of people why mom got tossed out of the house. The shame that he feels is something that he should not have to, but how can u be proud of a mother who not only cheats, but cheats in her marital house. You are not on his priority list right now, and that is just something that you need to deal with. That is your problem and your constant manipulation using ur STBXH as an accomplice is really just so self absorbed. Let these people go and be honest with ur therapist...because if u were you would not need to look for validation from here you'd understand that your son too has boundaries, and this is the consequence. I'm sure u can understand that, you applied them to him when he made a bad choice.

 

Work on yourself, you clearly need to realize that what you did doesn't just affect you. And do ur H a favor, sign the divorce papers...that might be a start for your son to see that you accept the consequences of your A and the boundary that your husband has in regards to cheating.

 

Has the A ended?

[LovelyKaren]

I never even thought of writing a letter and mailing it. Mt therapist never mentioned it either. Thank you very much 2sure. I will try that and see.

To answer the previous post, Yes the affair has ended. I have not had any physical contact with my former lover but have spoken to him as little as 8 months ago. He still sends me emails and texts once in a while but I do not respond. My husband knows this since I have told him every time it happens but my husband insists that I stop telling him about it. He says it is not his business or concern and I can be with who ever I want, when ever I want.

I absolutely hate it when he tells me that.

Our son is a more drastic matter. I feel numb about what I have done to him and my husband. Both of them are the two best men i have ever known. My husband is 10x the man that my lover was. To this day I do not know what I was thinking. I still don`t most of the time.

I have support from people we know and thankfully my husband did not soil my name to everyone we know. My sister told more people about what was happening than me and my husband combined.

 

I feel like such a fool and I understand that i deserve this but I just miss my boy so much. My husband talks to me but I can be over bearing sometimes.

 

Will I live with this for the rest of my life. please advise.

[onthefence210]

I never even thought of writing a letter and mailing it. Mt therapist never mentioned it either. Thank you very much 2sure. I will try that and see.

To answer the previous post, Yes the affair has ended. I have not had any physical contact with my former lover but have spoken to him as little as 8 months ago. He still sends me emails and texts once in a while but I do not respond. My husband knows this since I have told him every time it happens but my husband insists that I stop telling him about it. He says it is not his business or concern and I can be with who ever I want, when ever I want.

I absolutely hate it when he tells me that.

Our son is a more drastic matter. I feel numb about what I have done to him and my husband. Both of them are the two best men i have ever known. My husband is 10x the man that my lover was. To this day I do not know what I was thinking. I still don`t most of the time.

I have support from people we know and thankfully my husband did not soil my name to everyone we know. My sister told more people about what was happening than me and my husband combined.

 

I feel like such a fool and I understand that i deserve this but I just miss my boy so much. My husband talks to me but I can be over bearing sometimes.

 

Will I live with this for the rest of my life. please advise.

 

Karen, first u should start by changing ur profile name...there is nothing lovely about you and shows that you are self absorbed. You brag about the OM emailing you and then want gratitude from ur STBXH by telling him about them. How bout this...how bout getting a new email and deleting the old one so that OM emails are no longer being sent??? Your STBXH talks to you because you are the mother of his child and u manipulate him. You're not overbearing, you are like that mosquito that shows up at night when ur trying to sleep.

 

And your H is a better man then your lover ever was? Then please explain what possessed u to f up your family? My goodness, you truly need to do some serious soul searching to face your own self. I kno you posted on ur STBXH thread in hopes that he will see that you miss him and want ur life back. This isn't about ur son, it's about u. After u change ur profile name, I'd highly suggest finding a new therapist. Obviously she isn't asking the right questions in order for you to see you need to concentrate on changing who u r as a person before u try to change ur sons mind about who he knows u to be.

 

As far as u living with this for the rest of your life...you will have to live with it for as long as he needs. That is the hard part...putting ur needs aside for your child's. Let's see what kind of mother u really are??? And the letters that u send...u shouldn't send anything until you can truly own what you've done to him emotionally. And hopefully using guilt trips won't be your MO.

 

I am sad for your son. He has every right to feel whatever he needs to feel and take as long as he needs to deal with his feelings. I hope u love and respect him enough to stop using his dad as a means to get what u want.

 

I can't empathize with you. It's been 8 months since ur NC with OM and you have done nothing to help yourself be a better person. You may not cheat with an A ever again, but you are cheating yourself of an authentic life. People can't change their behaviors if they aren't able to see their flaws. Your cheating was just a symptom of something so much deeper within you. Address that issue and maybe ur son might see you as different. And if not, at least you know you did something positive for yourself.

[bentnotbroken]

Same advice I gave your STBX....leave your son alone. He will find his own way in his own time.

[2sure]

My God. She screwed up big time. but you know what? Life still has to move forward. The relationship between a parent child and child is important. She wants to help her son be healthy again, even if she is the one that caused his pain...she is seeking help for a valid issue.

 

She wasn't bragging about OM emailing her. She was stating the facts and what changes she has made. not enough maybe ...but what else can help. That's what she is asking.

 

Life and especially parenting are humbling. When someone is down this low....really, stop kicking.

 

Is this a support forum only those who have not made mistakes?

Everyone here so sure your kid will not one day end up in therapy talking about their childhood?

[onthefence210]

My God. She screwed up big time. but you know what? Life still has to move forward. The relationship between a parent child and child is important. She wants to help her son be healthy again, even if she is the one that caused his pain...she is seeking help for a valid issue.

 

She wasn't bragging about OM emailing her. She was stating the facts and what changes she has made. not enough maybe ...but what else can help. That's what she is asking.

 

Life and especially parenting are humbling. When someone is down this low....really, stop kicking.

 

Is this a support forum only those who have not made mistakes?

Everyone here so sure your kid will not one day end up in therapy talking about their childhood?

 

She has yet to state changes she's made.

This child is 19 and has a mind of his own and is clearly using it...good for him. The father has spoken to a psychiatrist stating give him space. You can not force nor manipulate to get what u want, if you've read the other thread, that's exactly what's she's doing. I agree, relationships with your children are ones that of upmost importance, but you can't force an adult child to have one with a parent when he isn't ready. You provide the child with the space HE needs to figure out what he wants and you make yourself completely available.

 

So youve come to bat for her, so whats your advice???

 

Her post isn't about her sons needs they are about hers. Yes, all mothers want to have a relationship with their child but if you do something to lose trust and respect in that relationship, you have to accept the child's feelings. She has taken responsibility for her A because she was caught with her pants down and comes across as entitled to her sons forgiveness because what, she gave birth?

 

I don't mean to be mean or harsh but I think she needs to put herself in her sons shoes so she can see that she isn't the only one who is hurting here. He is 19, you can't force him to do anything without causing more problems. I honestly don't kno other then leaving him to face his own demons whatelse she can do.

 

And sadly she was the adult when she made the choice to have an A that caused the disconnect between her and her son. So yes, feel sad that this happened to a mother/son relationship, forgive her for making a very bad choice, but she still is accountable for her actions. And this is her sons way of holding her accountable. Is it right or wrong??? Who knows but it's how he is choosing so u can't force feed him at 19!!!

[2sure]

My advice was given as requested. Just without the

reprimands.

Sure of course her son can have space....but that does not require her to disappear. That wouldn't be good for him either.

[iambookworm]

Have you considered writing him letters?

 

Write them, tell him how you feel about him and what changes have been happening in your life. If you have something to apologize for, then do that.

 

Dont go on and on. Nothing heavy heavy. State that this letter requires no response - written or verbal. Send it in the mail.

NO Obligations or expectations.

 

Next week , send another. You miss him. You love him - and you need him to know that but respect his boundaries.

 

Keep sending. At least you are communicating to him...not with him but...

He might read them and hear you.

 

This ^^. Your son has been hurt. He needs to handle this the best way he can. If it takes him 10 years to move on, let him. But continue to show you love him by writing letters, week after week after week. If it takes you 20 years, continue to do so. He needs the reassurance that you love him but he needs to do things at his own pace. From the other thread, he seems like a good kid with a good head on his shoulders.

 

Some things you can do:

 

• Apologize to everyone and admit to your mistake, both in words and deed. You might have already said it but it seems you are a bit in denial "I don't know why I did it". Look within yourself and admit why you did it. Just saying you are sorry is enough. Find out why and solve that issue, before doing anything.
   
  
• Finalize the divorce. Your holding on is not helping anybody and you are manipulating your xH into taking you back. Move on and let them move on as well.
   
  
• Start writing those letters. Apologize to your son AND husband. You hurt them both. Yes, your husband got over it faster but this is because his priority is his son. You are prioritizing yourself. Sorry, but this is how I read the situation.
  

 

Hope your family survives this crisis.

[neveragain2012]

I have kids, here's what I know for a fact. It's a fine line between giving them space and giving up. You're concerned that if you give him space he'll think you don't love him enough to try. At the same time you don't want to pester him and piss him off. Sound about right?

 

I think the letters are a great idea! It allows him to know you are trying and haven't given up on him but giving him the space to deal with it in his own time.

[alexandria35]

Karen I'm sorry you are taking such a beating here. I don't think you deserve to lose your son over this, nor do I think it's good for your son to reject you forever. I will say that I had some problems with my oldest starting when he was about 16 and lasting until he was 25. He had a great deal of hostility towards me, some of it my fault and some of it not. He never totally rejected me but he was really quick to get angry at me and lash out. I apologized for my mistakes and then just let him do and feel whatever he felt was best for him and that included taking his anger. When he was 22 he got married and things were still terribly strained between us. Then when he was 24 he and his wife had a baby and thats when he really started to forgive me and want me to be his sons grandma. In all I went through about 8 years of his anger and hostility towards me and I knew I had little choice but to accept it if I wanted him in my life so I did.

 

I think you need to accept that your marriage is over and done with. For your husband the infidelity was a deal breaker and it killed his love for you. Sure some people can reconcile after an affair but your husband isn't one of them. Now I think it just makes him uncomfortable and a little creeped out that you tell him things about your ex lover contacting you. He says he doesn't care and you can do whatever you want. Why don't believe him? Perhaps this is where some people are seeing you as disrespectful and manipulative. Your husband has told you stop telling him every single time your ex loverboy contacts you but then you tell him anyways. Why would you do that? Why can't respect the way your husband feels about this and do as he asks? I too got a strange feeling when you used your husbands thread on the other forum to tell him you missed him and loved him. That just seemed manipulative and disrespectful to me, like the guy can't even post on a forum without you turning up to tell him things he doesn't care about anymore. You need to back off. Back off your husband and your son.

 

Sending letters to your son may or may not be a good idea. I'm kind of on the fence about it. Normally I would say it's worth a try but in your case, maybe not. You clearly don't want to give either your husband or your son space and so I think if you start sending one letter after another to your son he might look at that as just another way you have disrespected his boundaries and need to be away from you for a while. He may not even read them. If you do start sending him letters you shouldn't give him any excuses for your behaviour. You can apologize for it but don't start going into some story about why you felt you had to do that or ask him to see things from your perspective or start telling him about your childhood problems or any of that crap. Thats how my mother used to apologize to me. She would say "I'm sorry I hurt you but..." and then she would launch into some 30-60 minute monologue about how her mother hurt her and her husband never respected her and nobody loved her etc etc etc...She started this crap when I was about 3 yrs old. She used to make me feel so guilty and so responsible for her feelings and it worked on me until I was about 30. Then I couldn't stand her. So don't tell your son any sob stories about your life. If you write him letters just talk about him and how you feel about him.

[whichwayisup]

Delete your email address and create a new one. You are still getting something out of this as long as the EXOM keeps emailing you and you reading what he says. Don't know why you didn't do that 8 months ago. Do you ever reply back?

Also, change your cell number so he cannot text you anymore either. If you do not do this, make it IMPOSSIBLE for him to reach you, then it means you still want to hear from him.

 

As for your son, back off. He is devastated and feels betrayed by you. You let the family down and he can't trust you. You rocked his world upside down and nothing will ever be the same.

 

Continue with therapy and work on yourself.

 

Your son may never trust you again but he will come around ON his terms and time frame. Your relationship with him will be different, so when the time comes he's ready to talk - do this in baby steps.

 

In the meantime, DO write that letter, own what you did, apologize for letting him down, have sympathy and empathy for him and what he feels.., let him know you love him and will be there for him when he's ready.

[nofool4u]

To answer the previous post, Yes the affair has ended. I have not had any physical contact with my former lover but have spoken to him as little as 8 months ago. He still sends me emails and texts once in a while but I do not respond. My husband knows this since I have told him every time it happens but my husband insists that I stop telling him about it. He says it is not his business or concern and I can be with who ever I want, when ever I want.

I absolutely hate it when he tells me that.

 

Why? Because it shows that your husband wants to move on and away from someone that cheated on him?

 

He is right, it isn't any of his business and he is probably really tired of hearing it.

 

 

Our son is a more drastic matter. I feel numb about what I have done to him and my husband. Both of them are the two best men i have ever known. My husband is 10x the man that my lover was. To this day I do not know what I was thinking.

 

Come on, you know exactly what you were thinking. You wanted to get jiggy with the other man, and you did. You did it because you wanted sex with someone other than the same man you have been married to for years.

 

Cheaters always say, "I don't know why I did it" or "I'm confused" as if to suggest they had absolutely no control over their desires.

 

I have support from people we know and thankfully my husband did not soil my name to everyone we know. My sister told more people about what was happening than me and my husband combined.

 

I feel like such a fool and I understand that i deserve this but I just miss my boy so much. My husband talks to me but I can be over bearing sometimes.

 

Will I live with this for the rest of my life. please advise.

 

I'm sure over time your son will come around, but that may take a few years of maturing. Its a double edge sword for you really. On one hand you need to keep trying to reach out to him to show him how much you love him, but right now he isn't feeling like you loved him enough to keep from cheating on the man he loves, his father.

 

On the other end if you leave him alone and never contact him, he'll think you don't care. Either way, your son has to work this out on his own. You might send him the letter and tell him that you won't bug him about it and that he can take all the time he needs, and that you'll wait until he is ready. I don't know, its a tough call to make. He is hurting right now and I bet this changes his own thoughts on relationships with girls.