denise_cv Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I apologize for the length of this post. I met my husband, Chris, online 16 years ago. I had left a previous long term relationship because it wasn't working anymore…not because of trust or jealousy issues (feel that I need to state that). Chris was different from the other guys I was dating. He was funny, good looking, and exciting. He told me all about his sexual past (this included most of his female friends) when we were on the phone late at night and went into detail about who it was with and what they did (that was a huge mistake). As we dated, we went to several parties and many of these women made comments to me about his sexual prowess, the size of his penis, and how great he was in bed. Over the next year, I became more and more uncomfortable with these female friends ad we moved away (not just physically, but emotionally) from his group of friends. When we got engaged, I believed that he wanted me and me only and felt secure in our relationship. Two weeks before we got married, I found a letter from my husband describing what he wanted to do to an ex girlfriend (this woman had dated my husband's best friend and cheated on him with my husband, she married the best friend and then cheated on him, and now she lives a swinging lifestyle with her current husband in another state) that he had compared me to in the past and that he had been talking to on the phone. I was 5 months pregnant with our first child and devastated. On our wedding day, I made him choose. I said, "It is me or her." He chose me and called her to end the friendship. Later, he says he regretted that decision and when she contacted him behind my back, they continued talking because he felt that he had been pressured by me to make the decision to end their friendship. This lasted until I found out and was livid. Other friends would keep supplying her with his contact information when he would change it. He finally broke it off and just told me that he, "made himself be mad at her and push her away). Since then, he has at least one emotional affair with a co-worker. I do not trust him with female friends and I feel that the boundaries seem to fade away when he is mad at me. He has a work cell phone with email attached to it that I have no access to. I found out last night that he sends out email to past female friends even though he states he doesn't have much in common with them or that they are "weird." So, we received an invitation to a ,"reunion" that is being put on by the woman we almost didn't get married over. It was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. and family. At first, I thought I could be the bigger person and get over all my insecurities as far as this woman is concerned. He married me, right? I am now rethinking my stance. I have no interest in meeting her, or hanging out with yet more people my husband has been intimate with (granted most of them are married and have kids). I can't seem to get over the pain of the past. Yes, we're in marriage counseling. My husband made the announcement that have 2 months to decide whether to learn to move on without one another or we need to have a happy marriage again. We have 3 children (ages 13, 8, and 4 years old) who have been used to Mommy being a stay at home Mom and I do most of the work at home. I am the boring one now. I take care of our kids, clean the house, make great dinners, pay all the bills, make all the appointments, etc. My husband puts forth very little effort to spend with me and instead plays video games, reads, hangs out with friends, etc. I think that if I could just get mad and stand up for myself, I could move on. If we divorce, my life and my children's lives will change dramatically. I am scared. Why stay with someone that at times doesn't seem to want me? I am a great catch. I am an incredible wife and Mother. I am fantastic in the kitchen, keep the house immaculate, and my husband is satisfied in the bedroom. Why can't my husband leave the past in the past and focus on making new friends? I am tired of hearing about the, "good old times."
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I would be more concerned about the present than the past. Your H seems to be an unremorseful cheater and a bit of a serial cheater at that. He slept with his best friend's girl, tried to get with someone while you were engaged and pregnant, and has had an emotional affair, too? And these are the ones that you know about. God only knows how many others have happened or if he's got someone now. This issue has not been resolved and that is why it's not in the past for you. It is in the present and that's why you are here today. You can certainly require that he has boundaries that are respectful to your marriage, especially since he has dragged you thru hell already. It's a no brainer that neither of you need to be at this reunion. 3
turnera Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Boy, this is a tough one, because you married someone who is deeply into sex and women. I'd frankly be surprised if he hasn't cheated on you a LOT more than you know. For many men, that's just what they're supposed to do - get it whereever and whenever they can. I know lots of men like this - too many extras to count. I know one guy who went to an event with his pregnant wife and talked another woman into going out into the alley with him just so he could screw her. It's just what they do. Anyway, what to do? Know that, with your long time at home and kids so young, you would be getting quite a bit from him in support if you were to divorce. But if you want to try to make the marriage work, I recommend doing a lot of reading, in addition to your therapy. I always recommend that everyone start out with His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. Great explanation of how to "affair proof" your marriage (not that you really can, but it goes a long way toward it).
GLDheart Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 You married a guy that judges his manhood by the... uhm... size of his... well, manhood. All kidding aside, he seems to be a little too into his womanizing ways. If he wanted to act like this, he should have remained single and not dragged you into a nightmare.
2sure Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 He gave you two months to just get over it, accept his still current behavior, accept the disrespect he and this woman have shown you....or else. Turn that right around. He needs a great big grow up and wake up call. Tell him you are bored, you are not happy, and need to know what your options are legally, since you can't change this marriage by yourself. You hold the cards. I. Not saying you have to play them...but his priorities need a major overhaul. 2
freestyle Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Do you want to to be in a relationship, or marriage, in which you're not allowed to have legitimate feelings? Where you have to tiptoe around keeping him from getting angry at you (read: dance to HIS tune, and overlook anything HE does wrong) for fear of him turning to another woman? (continually stroke HIS ego---OR ELSE!!) His behavior reeks of emotional blackmail. What advice would you give to a sister , or a girlfriend, in the same situation? 1
Spark1111 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 He gave you two months to just get over it, accept his still current behavior, accept the disrespect he and this woman have shown you....or else. Turn that right around. He needs a great big grow up and wake up call. Tell him you are bored, you are not happy, and need to know what your options are legally, since you can't change this marriage by yourself. You hold the cards. I. Not saying you have to play them...but his priorities need a major overhaul. Yes, they do! he has turned you into his mother and has forgotton you are a woman too. He sounds incredibly immature, which has forced you to take on the role of the responsible one. His need for constant validation from others is the biggest red flag here. He acts like he is still single, Three kids and he plays video games? Ok, tell him you are unhappy in this marriage. His relationships with other woman so disrespects you and you want a man who will love and cherish only you as a woman; someone who is a grown up and actually appreciates all that you do for others. Tell him you think he married you for the wrong reasons and you no longer want to continue to pay the price with his dalliances and flirtations with other women. Tell him you will continue counseling, with or without him, but you certainly cannot overcome all his nonsense in two months so you intend to see a lawyer about your legal options to divorce. Don't yell, don't argue, just state calmly and start focusing on you. Your youngest starts school next year? Start reading the want ads. As I said in another post, so many do not appreciate what they have until it is walking out the door. Start, at least mentally, walking out the door. Don't care so much about him and what he does or doesn't do. Yeah, time for the wake up call, if nothing else. You do hold all the cards, whether you realize it or not. Then stop
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