Scott68 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I am 44 divorced and have sole custody of my daughters. I met a really great woman who I am head over heels in love with and I don't say that lightly. Our kids are and have been friends since before we even met and things are going great-I thought. I just can't shake the feeling that I am way more into her than she is into me. She has told me I'm her soul-mate and the one she has been looking for all her life. When I am with her I believe her but then she will say something like "I can't promise you tomorrow" or "no one will ever know what tomorrow brings" she says she is "hopeful" about our future but no promises. After being married for 15 years I know promises mean nothing but how can you tell me I'm your soul mate and in the next breath say no promises? I understand that she has been hurt but get over it so was I. I came home to an empty house, lost everything, and had to start over while my ex began a new life with the guy she cheated on me with. The problem is I may have to leave the area and don't want to presume she would come or we would now or ever live together-we had this discussion and it almost ended us. She fell back to no promises and seemed surprised when I told her I wouldn't wait years for her to get over this "no promises" mind set. I am staying in a bad living situation just to remain in the area and be near her and I don't know how much longer I can stay here. I am well educated with a great job and do not have a problem meeting woman but I'm in love with this one-she's just not that into me despite what she says when we are together. What do I do? [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
FitChick Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 You know what to do but you don't want to do it. She is your rebound relationship. She wants to keep her options open and so should you. If you are moving you need to find a safe area to live and good schools for your kids. That should be your priority, not dating. 1
Author Scott68 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Not sure where you get this is a rebound I've been divorced 3 years and her 4 years. We have both dated others and maybe I should have mentioned we spend almost every day together I have met all of her family and she mine. There is no way this is about "options" it's about her afraid of the "other shoe" the feelings issue is her holding back because she is afraid to be hurt. As far as my girls they are always my number one priority. My bad living condition has nothing to do with them they love living where we do. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
ascendotum Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 As you said, if she uses the word 'soulmate' then there shouldn't be any other qualifications and maybes or we'll see's. I did agree with FitChick, but understand why you are hanging in there. How long have you been staying in a bad living situation for? We'll at least the bad living conditions are only from your perspective and not your kids, so it then comes down to how long you want to persevere with this woman's uncertainness. You could come up with a deadline for her to make up her mind....but given that you are in constant daily communication, what about maybe you cut back on this, so she's misses having you in her life each day.....spend some time going out and doing things with your kids and also your friends and be a little vague about what you have been up to so she cant count on you being a sure thing just for her, for whenever she decides. 1
Author Scott68 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 She seems to be getting better with ideas for a future and often talks about our kids (my 2 and her 1) as daughters. My bad situation is only bad for me. I own a nice home. I had at one time had plans to rent it out but now I live there. The house is not in the school district I want it to be in and I really want to leave the state. Since I have sole physical and legal custody of my girls I can move without their mother's permission. I only stay because of her. I don't mind doing that but don't want to find out it was a waste of time. I have begun to pull back and let her miss me and it seems to be working. She is trying harder being far more affectionate and loving. When we argued over the whole commitment thing I was very clear that I wouldn't wait "years" for her, and I won't. We are going on vacation together soon with our girls and her family, I am hoping that by spending the extended amount of time together she will want to take this to the next level sooner rather then later. The problem is that the first time we discussed moving in together sometime in the future (a topic she brought up and in the same breath took back) it led to a fight which ended with me saying I had no plans or desire to live with her or ever remarry-not true. I’d love to marry her. We both acknowledged we said things that we didn't mean cause we were hurt, (not mean things) but how do I even bring up such a discussion again? Especially since I think if she is as unreceptive as she was the first time I don't see us coming back from that discussion. I am afraid that we will stagnate because neither of us wants to chance being hurt or rejected. Or as I said she's just not that into me. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
amantis Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Just talk with her , cant you sit and tell her what do you want from her without having a discussion ? Living together is a big decision , but like you said you love her and she loves you , you arent 25 years old anymore . Dont waste your time , sit with her and have a conversation and make decisions . Give a good example to your kids , they know whats going on ! 1
FitChick Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) It sounds like her way of keeping control in your relationship. Go for couples counseling where you will have an impartial mediator and can learn how to communicate. You said, "...neither of us wants to chance being hurt or rejected." So I assume you are both self-employed because otherwise you'd have to go on job interviews. If you really wanted a job, you'd be hurt and rejected if you didn't get it, right? Everyone has been hurt and rejected and often more than once. Yet we are still alive to tell the tale. Edited July 21, 2012 by FitChick 1
Author Scott68 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 We do talk about things. We have referred to our girls as sisters and us as family but I'm afraid to even bring up the subject given the fiasco it was last time. Her family refers to me as family and some aunts have even asked me what I'm waiting for to "get going." I love her and don't want to put her in a position to be rushed but I'm also not willing to pay for the mistakes of her ex. He was looking for someone to take care of him and his kids. I on the other hand am financially secure and don't need anyone to take care of us. I guess I don't know when to touch on the subject of commitment again because I think if we aren't on the same page by this point we won't be and it'll be time to leave, something I don't want to do. However, I can't and won't waste years waiting for her. She makes me happy but living just for today isn't all it's cracked up to be. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
dasein Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I would write her nonchalance off as noise and judge by her level of affection to you, availability, enthusiasm, responsiveness, kindness, consistent behavior. If all those are in order, put less emphasis on the words unless she has given you definite reason to suspect someone else is in the picture. Based on what you post, I have a hunch this is a lady trying to pull off being a "Rules Girl" or playing a little hard to get, doing it halfway and not well. Would skip further ultimatums about not being willing to wait forever, this usually comes off as begging which is an attraction killer. Good luck. 1
Author Scott68 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 dasein-One worry I don't have is another man she allows me around her daughter which she would never do if she had someone else. That's I am feeling better about us and think some of this was my paranoia mixed with her fear. She has made a few comments now about buying a house in the future, living together, growing old together, and our kids as being family. I guess I am very used to not having anyone that truly cares so I look for the slightest reason to sabotage my relationships. I am not one to get star stuck over relationships but I also believe the sun even shines on a dogs ass once in a while and I think this is my time and she is the right one all I need to do is not let my crazy insecurities mess this up. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Leopard Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) Well, the truth is that one partner is always more into the other. My boyfriend is more into me than I am into him, and I always say the same thing: I can't promise tomorrow. I say this because I am not in love with him, don't want to marry him (don't want marriage in general) and I definitely don't want kids with him. I never tell him he's my soulmate, but there have been times when I even considered moving in with him. He was ecstatic at the idea, but it was only an idea and I later told him that I didn't want to move in with him. I think she is like me. She loves you, but she isn't in love with you so she can't consider such serious things with you. Everything just came easier in this relationship: your kids already like each other and are great friends, you're both divorced and looking for company etc. When things come easy in a relationship, often times one person will stay with the other more for the convenience than the love factor. I think you're gut feeling is right, but just because she loves you less doesn't mean she will go out and cheat on you or start treating you like crap. One person always loves the other less, that's just the way it is. My boyfriend knows it, but he doesn't let it get in the way of the relationship, as he shouldn't. The fact that I don't love him as much as he loves me doesn't change our relationship dynamic one bit. If he ever made it a problem I don't think we would still be here today. ADD: I think she calls you her "soulmate" because she is desperately trying to make it true. She says these things because she also wants to believe them. She wants to be in love with you, she wants you to be her soulmate, but as much as she tries it's just not happening. Edited July 24, 2012 by Leopard
Author Scott68 Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Thankfully I can say that you’re incorrect. There is no doubt she loves and is in love with me, the question for her was never her feelings but whether or not she could trust and get over what the degenerate she had been married to did. Many trust issues dating from childhood. She has stated that she wants to marry me and feels cheated that we did not have children together. I think the issue was less about her and more about my relationship paranoia. Our plans have moved along and we are actually going to be getting stuff ready for us to move in together once we come back from vacation next week. With that said it will still take 2-3 mos for us to live together but we have a plan now. More family time, my girls will spend the night, and we will work towards getting the stuff (beds, couches, etc...) we need to make this happen. I'm actually optimistic. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] 1
Recommended Posts