pink_sugar Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Pretty much my whole life, my dad is always talking negative about my mom. He always usually brings her up out of nowhere and starts saying, "oh remember when your mom neglected you this and that time?" or "those police reports when you were living with her are disturbing" and much more. I don't understand the point of it. I know for a fact he has narcissism and ADD. My brother has pretty much told him to shove it and f-off for my dad to stop talking to him about it. He's been doing this for at least 15 years. The other day, he brought up a Pat Benetar song that he thought reminded me of when I lived with my mom. I took that as the snide comment cue and went to the bathroom. I figured out which song it was and he tried to say something about it when I came back. I flat out told him I didn't want to hear it and he backed off. He talked about it later and I told him he doesn't need to keep bringing up the past like he lives there. He said ok, but I'm sure it won't stop there. I need to continue telling him to knock it off, rather than keep bringing it up. Parents should not talk crap about the other parent, I mean it's not constructive whatsoever. And my dad brings up stuff from when I was 8 and younger. I'm 23 now and I've moved on with my life. I don't know why he's still so hung up on the past. 1
iambookworm Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Give him a dose of his own medicine? When he points out a comment about you or your mom, answer with comments about things he did wrong. Not confrontationally though. Make it seem like an offhand comment. Do this for the next couple of weeks.
2sure Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 My daughter had to tell her Dad to stop talking about me to her. She is now only 16 so this was really hard for her to do. She ended up not seeing him for awhile and then when they reconnected and he started she said: Dad, lets not spend our time talking about anything negative...it makes it awful to be with you. He stopped and now when he starts..she says: Im going home, I forgot something I need to take care of. It sounds like you live with him so have more exposure so you might want to focus on consistantly walking away after you have told him firmly that this line of conversation is disturbing and hurtful to you. 1
MuscleCarFan Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 My daughter had to tell her Dad to stop talking about me to her. She is now only 16 so this was really hard for her to do. She ended up not seeing him for awhile and then when they reconnected and he started she said: Dad, lets not spend our time talking about anything negative...it makes it awful to be with you. He stopped and now when he starts..she says: Im going home, I forgot something I need to take care of. It sounds like you live with him so have more exposure so you might want to focus on consistantly walking away after you have told him firmly that this line of conversation is disturbing and hurtful to you. No, she doesn't live with him. I am pink_sugar's husband and we just limit contact with him. 2
UpwardForward Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) Pretty much my whole life, my dad is always talking negative about my mom. He always usually brings her up out of nowhere and starts saying, "oh remember when your mom neglected you this and that time?" or "those police reports when you were living with her are disturbing" and much more. I don't understand the point of it. I know for a fact he has narcissism and ADD. My brother has pretty much told him to shove it and f-off for my dad to stop talking to him about it. He's been doing this for at least 15 years. The other day, he brought up a Pat Benetar song that he thought reminded me of when I lived with my mom. I took that as the snide comment cue and went to the bathroom. I figured out which song it was and he tried to say something about it when I came back. I flat out told him I didn't want to hear it and he backed off. He talked about it later and I told him he doesn't need to keep bringing up the past like he lives there. He said ok, but I'm sure it won't stop there. I need to continue telling him to knock it off, rather than keep bringing it up. Parents should not talk crap about the other parent, I mean it's not constructive whatsoever. And my dad brings up stuff from when I was 8 and younger. I'm 23 now and I've moved on with my life. I don't know why he's still so hung up on the past. Tell him: 'Dad, I am an extension of my mother. When you disparage her, it hurts my spirit. Aside from insulting my intelligence'. Edited July 17, 2012 by UpwardForward 2
carhill Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I don't know why he's still so hung up on the past. He's yet to learn how to process those emotions and move on. Some people never learn and are tormented their entire lives. Best thing to do IMO is just walk away. He knows how you feel, as you've told him many, many times. Actions. 1
kizmet74 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 You could always point out the fact that at one point in time he had chosen to be with your mother. So how does he think his talking down about her makes him look?
Mittens Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 My mother is 71, and has been divorced from my father for 24 years. And she still does this...I am now nearly 44. Not only does she disparage my father at every given opportunity, she gets very annoyed if myself and my brother don't join in, or at least agree. At the time of the divorce she emotionally blackmailed us into cutting all contact with my father...I've not spoken to him since the day he left. She is insanely depressing to be around, with her constant negativity. I ended up moving to the other side of the world to get away from her. All she cares about is wallowing in her own bitterness. I have people who say to me 'you will regret not spending more time with her, when she's gone', but to me I lost both parents 24 years ago. You need to tell your father that by insulting your mother, he is directly insulting you - you are half your mother. And if he continues to do it, like others have said, walk away. Actions speak louder than words. 4
Author pink_sugar Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Mittens, I know exactly what you mean. My dad has always wanted us to hate my mother, turn us against her. I think that's why he continuously brings up the past. He wants me to hate her for it. I don't think he realizes how damaging that can be to hold that kind of resentment forever. We cannot change the past. There is nothing I can do about it now and it's not constructive to focus on something I cannot change. My mom is a different person now, I'm not going to dwell on what she was like 13 years ago. I also agree that in some cases, you have to cut contact. My dad and other say that my husband needs to make up with him mom now because she has cancer, when all she has ever done is treat him horribly and doesn't want to make any amends. My husband is done with that and the disappointment it has brought him trying. 1
capricorndreamgurl3 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Pink_Sugar, I can understand where you are coming from for sure. Both of my parents are guilty about doing this. One minute they are telling each other how much they love each other and that they are the same person, blah, blah, blah. Then they turn around and complain about each other to me. It is really draining. I just tend to ignore both of them. I am not going to listen to them demonizing the other. The way I see it, if they have that much of a problem with one another, they shouldn't be together anymore. I hate to sound heartless about it, but geez. It really does hurt seeing your parents do that crap though. I agree with a couple of ppl on here, tell him that insulting her is insulting you and tell him that constantly complaining about her isn't going to do a damn thing. You may have to threaten not to talk to him anymore, but try to prove your point. Hugs and good luck. 2
capricorndreamgurl3 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) No, she doesn't live with him. I am pink_sugar's husband and we just limit contact with him. And MCF, I didn't know that you and Pink Sugar were married. I am new to the boards so I just learned this. Edited August 3, 2012 by capricorndreamgurl3 1
MuscleCarFan Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 And MCF, I didn't know that you and Pink Sugar were married. I am new to the boards so I just learned this. Yeah, I mention it sometimes, lol.
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