fallenheart Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I think this is a suicide note. I can't be sure. It could go either way I guess, but the fact that I'm writing it at all means I'm taking the whole "thinking about it" thing to the next level. I'm no sociologist, but I'm sure if you did the research you'd find a ridiculously high percentage of all suicide notes are written because of a girl. This one is no different. I don't want to kill myself in some vain attempt to "make her sorry." Honestly, I think she's beyond feeling anything for me at this point. The only emotion my death would elicit in her would probably be a heightened sense of self-importance...she would definitely love the attention. Old friends that don't know any better would contact her out of the blue and ask if she was all right, how she's coping, etc. And she would sure like being the center of attention like that, but I don't think she's capable of actually being sorry. So why the hell would I kill myself over a girl like that? Cause I'm an *******, and cause I still love her, and I can't stop. I am going to kill myself for the simple reason that I just can't accept my life without her. I miss her too much. Every day I think it's impossible for it to hurt any worse and then the pain proves me wrong. And I know for a fact I'll never love anyone else, and no other girl will ever love me, and I can't take it. So if the pain never ends, and the pain is too much for me to bear, the only logical solution is to end the pain. To end my life. A zillion guys before me have done it, and as long as there are girls like her out there, zillions more will too. I lost her the day I turned 34. Old enough to know better. Old enough to know I'll never amount to anything, so I'm really not doing the world any injustices by leaving it prematurely. I already told you, I'm an *******. I know I'm just being a selfish prick but I don't care cause I just can't live like this any more, certainly not for another 40 or 50 years. But I don't want to go on a bad note...I don't want you thinking I'm just some kind of drama queen looking for sympathy. All right, I AM looking for sympathy, but it doesn't matter. I can't change what happened...it's all done. It's all facts. If there was still a shred of hope I could try, but it's a fact: She loves him, not me, he's better, she's never coming back, she's HAPPY. I can't change it. I can't accept it. So I'm leaving. I hope you'll understand like I do why this is my only option left.
tipsyleprachauns Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 So I'm leaving. I hope you'll understand like I do why this is my only option left. Where are you? What country are you in? This is NEVER your only option. There are always people that love you, care about you and will give you time - whether you know them or not. This board is full of people who felt like you. Would never get better. The pain would never go. Gosh I felt like you back in January. Sure I'm not healed, but I've come a long way since then and me and plenty of other people are living testament to the fact that things DO get better. Don't do this. Don't jump into anything. Talk to us. Talk to someone. Where are you?
KathyM Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Why are you giving her this much power over you? No woman is worth ending your life over. I know you feel you can't live without this person, but I'm here to tell you that you can. One day at a time, and eventually those days will be better, and eventually you will establish a new relationship and you will wonder why you ever considered this woman so important as to take something so valuable, your life, away from you. No woman is that important. Don't give a woman that kind of power over you. There is a light at the end of this tunnel if you will allow yourself the opportunity to get there. Please get yourself into counseling to help you overcome these feelings of dispair. And I would suggest calling a crisis hotline to talk to someone right now who can help you through this.
Exit Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I know how you feel but I'm still here. How long ago did your relationship end? For me it has been around 8 months. Even after all that time, what was my first thought when my eyes opened a few hours ago? "Why wasn't I good enough for the person I loved". I've started every day like that for 8 months. So I know how much this process can suck. The only thing I can say is that if this woman is capable of being in love with someone else, then she wasn't who you thought she was, she wasn't the one meant for you, or she would still be there. I had to reach the same conclusion, if my ex is already with some other dirt bag guy then she just isn't who I thought she was. If there is nothing else in your life worth living for, then really the focus of this issue isn't even about the woman who left you. Did you want to die before you met her? Was your life pointless? If she had never come along would you be dead by now? Is there nothing in this world you want to accomplish just for yourself? Nothing you want to check off the list before you check out? For many years I let relationships be the be-all-end-all of my existence, I thought this world felt so boring and plain until you feel the fireworks of sharing it with someone else. But after this last round of getting dumped, I have stayed single, longer than I have probably in 10 years, and I'm trying to figure out reasons to live without always needing to be in a relationship. If you don't want to keep fighting really I'm not going to try to talk you out of it because I hate when people do that to me. When I'm not at Loveshack I actually spend the other half of my time online at a website about suicide, so I'd be quite the hypocrite to talk you out of it. It may hurt that you lost her. She may always be one who was very special to you. But I don't agree that nobody else will ever love you. A few years ago I got dumped by the most attractive woman I have managed to hook up with so far in my life, she was ambitious, she had just finished school and started her career, and I thought alright that's it for me, I wanted to marry her and I'm never going to do better. But I did meet other people and some of those relationships may have even been better. Right now I have the same fears that you do, I've been single for 8 months, I've lost a lot of my social life, how the hell will I ever meet someone again. But I think some day it will happen... I hope you'll put some effort into thinking about something you want to accomplish for yourself because life doesn't have to be empty just because you lost someone. Plan a trip. Take pictures. Just try to do something else. One day last week on am impulse I'll pulled my car into a forest preserve and went for a walk and even got way off the main trail, I was all by myself and eventually I found this spot where the river was cutting through the woods with a place to sit down, and just doing something like that made my day entirely different than if I just sat home and watched TV. You'll have to try doing what most suicidal people do, you start trying to push yourself for a few more days at a time, hoping it'll get better. 1
Kamille Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 A friend of mine tried to commit suicide and failed (miraculously, his wasn't a cry for help). He lost his sight as a result of the attempt but this is what he says: "The thing I remember most acutely from that episode was this: how thankful I was to wake up, alive, in the hospital bed". Nothing that you take to be a fact is actually one. You do not know what the future holds. This pain feels unbearable, but accept it as part of your healing process. And please, reach out to a friend, a family member or a help line. Here is one for the USA: 1-800-784-2433 and a link: USA NATIONAL Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression. (Tell us in which country you live and we can link numbers). Just know you're not alone in your pain and that there are people capable and willing to help you through it.
Scott68 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 That is a permanint solution to a temporary problem. I was heartbroken at 15 wanted to die because of a girl. I didn't give in and eventually forgot her as you will. I'd like to say it will be fast but it won't be it will take time and it will suck but you will get over it.
Author fallenheart Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 sorry for causing such an alarm....i was just thinking about it. just contemplating!! no real concrete plans. just debating it cause there's not much reason to keep going, you know? not like i have a gun to my head....sorry to alarm you guys. you're very kind people!
hinatticus Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Please don't do it. Everyone here has a sad story. Read through some of them. Just talk to people who care about you and the people here. We all know this world is full of sh*t, but sometimes it can be awesome. Find your awesome man. I'm 33 and my ex left me 5 months ago. We have a 2 year old and now I'm a single father. I was an assh*le during the relationship and I hate myself for that. I may never find another love like my ex, but I have my son's love. My point is there is always something good out there. Take a look around... You'll find something that's worth living for. Heck, nature itself is worth living for. Go travel or go for a hike. I'm not sure what your interests are, but enjoy them! Man, I feel your pain.
Warrior Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) Look at this man. My girlfriend left me, and she started a relationship with another guy 1 week after the break up. We had all kinds of dreams and plans together and all that crap (you already know probably). You fell down like I did. I will tell you something. When you fall down, into the darkness, you have 2 options. One is: stay down, cry, beg, plead and get kicked while down (what you are talking about). OR you can break the legs of the problem that is kicking you while on ground and climb to light, step by step, inch by inch till you are up. Till you fall in love again. Till you make another girl happy. I picked the second option and I will tell you my outcome. Believe me this girl won't mean anything to you if you set your mindset like this, just trust me. and "remember to give time, time" what one girl have in her quote on forum. I am building my body every single day, I started to train box, now when summer came i have lots of girls looking at me differently because of this what I started after breaking up with her. Today I met amazing girl on a beach, and we went to a drink. She is drinking beer also Make her sorry she left you. You are not a HUman. You are a man like me, it is a natures thing you have a warrior spirit & heart in you. I can see it over your text. You have huge heart, only warriors have it. But right now your spirit is very weak. SO START TODAY, IF YOU DO, TOMORROW YOU WILL BE CLOSER TO YOUR GOAL, TO YOUR DREAM. Read the last parahraph couple of times and let it sink in. If you want to know more I am here. Edited July 16, 2012 by Warrior
Coffee20 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hello, I hope you won't do this. I have similar feelings to yours. Three weeks ago I was standing on the edge of the rock thinking..... But look, there are many and many couples and they break up every day, my mum loved my father for 25 years and he was having a second family behind her back. I know people who destroyed themselves after break up and left their kids all alone in this world or committed suicide, it was selfish there is always someone who like you and who will be hurt if you do it. You will be "fine" but others will suffer. I don't believe she was the right for you, if you broke up. I believe there is someone for you. And also, suicide is permanent solution, you can never ever take it back, I am sometimes curious what next day will bring me, aren't you?
Feelin Frisky Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Get well. This is not your whole life--it is one theater of it. I tried to do myself in ten years ago (via intentional OD) and am glad I was found in time and saved. Somehow the depression snuck up on me and for about three years I was in a state where I pondered on checking out. It may take some time to get righted but if you let it happen it will. Don't be the ultimate loser.
Dblock10 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 i can see why it would make you feel that way. but yeah as people have already stated. not worth it.. plus its the people that love and care about you that get left behind. can you imagine their pain? exactly. don't do it. you will get over it. just takes a long time. who cares if she is happy, care about you. care about your happiness. believe me you should never rely on someone else to give you this happiness all the time. its not sustainable.
Blastoplast Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I had suicidal thoughts after my GF broke up with me 3 months ago. My ego was shattered, my confidence and self-esteem were non-existent. But then I came to the realization that I deserve better than what she gave me, and after that epiphany I did a 180. I have so much more life to live, places to be, experiences to be shared. There are other woman out there you can share yourself with. And imagine if you did kill yourself -- the guilt that she would have to burden. Suicide is selfish, and you're better than that. Keep your head high, know that there are other woman out there who will love you for who you are. Life isn't easy, it's just a bunch of roadblocks, deadlines and trials. You have to do your best to overcome those obstacles to be the best person you can be!
broken-and-lost Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I read this m8 and i can tell you know i'm 39 my girlfriend was 29 she left me because i well got ill suffered with a bit of depression just as i was getting help and sorting myself out she left for someone else she will deny it but that was the fact it through me so deep into hell i can not tell you i even bough some hellium and a mask to end it never told anyone i was going to do that i keep that bottle just waiting for the day i'd use it i got rid of it about 4 months ago i'm still in a lot of pain inside think about her think i'll never meet anyone again and that my life is over my plans for a family kids all gone so i know how you feel trust me and it sucks so much i've stuck through this **** for over a year and a half. All i can say even tho some days i still think about it i know deep down it would be the worse thing i could do she doesn't deserve it and she wouldn't care hell she still ignores me even now and she knew how low i had got all because she didn't understand i wasn't well enough to focus on the relationship for about a year. But every time you think of this stop and think it permanent and this shouldn't be. i my ex at 34 and she blew me away and i was very happy for a long time if anyone had told me i'd meet a gorgeous and caring 24 year old who i thought i'd marry i would have said they were nuts it didn't turn out well but i'm just saying you really don't know what's next i know i'll never get her back and that hurts hell i doubt i'll even have that family but as long as you alive it's still possible no matter how unlikely you might think if your dead well your just dead!!!! Pm if you want to chat seem like we are in similar boats
pteromom Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I am glad you haven't done it. I agree with the poster that said you should never give someone else that much power over you. She is gone, so she isn't so wonderful. If she was wonderful, she'd be by your side. There is someone out there for you, but you have a lot of healing to do on yourself first. So outside of romantic love, what do you have in your life that means something to you? Do you have friends? Do you have family? Do you have hobbies and passions? If not, what is keeping you where you are? Rather than getting out of your life by ending it, why not get out of it by doing something dramatically different? Pack your **** and go to a new city. Try something you never thought you would do. Go on walkabout. There are MANY ways to end your life without it being over. You can end everything about your current life and still go on to something new. Say goodbye to this sad guy who wants to end it, and become someone new.
SeventhFloor Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I would like to admit something to you that I have not before, on this forum, nor to anyone who was not there. My girlfriend was involved with another guy as soon as we broke up. He is the reason we broke up, and they were sleeping together just days after. She was still leading me on, telling me she wanted to be with me, turning around the same day and sleeping with him. One week after we officially ended it, she was committed to him. We had plans: we were going to move out of state together, get married, we talked about kids, pets, houses, etc, etc... This girl was my LIFE. And SO soon, she had become the life of someone else. One night, I just wanted to...leave. I just wanted to leave this world, just to make it okay. This was July 6th. 10 days ago. We "Ended" it July 4th. She was sleeping in his bed, making love to him the very same night. I took a LOT of Xanax (2mg), Ativan (1mg), Vicodin (15mg), and Tramadol (50mg). If you don't know, that's: Benzo + Benzo + Painkiller + Painkiller. To top that off, I drank a LOT of Alcohol (about a pint). The last thing I remember is leaving the bar with my friends to find my car. Then, I was at my friend's house, on her floor. They were about to take me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped, but I wouldn't move. I just wanted to leave. That night, I purposely tried to overdose myself into oblivion. I woke up the next day, realizing that I had tried to kill myself and failed. I sat outside with my friend smoking a cigarette and I cried. She was explaining my actions to me last night, how I was passed out in my car and refused to move, how I kept saying her name and THEY CALLED HER, when she was in bed, with someone else. I couldn't believe what I had done to myself, and my friends were so disappointed in me. I was so ashamed. I spoke to her on the phone that night...and that was the last time I had ever spoken to her on the phone. Can you believe that I left her with that? Listen. This girl was my everything. I sacrificed everything to be with her, even myself. I went through a lot of pain over this breakup. THERE IS NO PAIN THAT WILL EVER MATCH THE DISAPPOINTMENT THAT I SAW IN MY BEST FRIEND'S EYES THE NEXT DAY. I could have easily died that night. Deep down, I wanted to. And then, I woke up, by the grace of God, and I realized what I had done, and it struck me how terrible of a person I had become to let my feelings for someone else jeopardize not only my life and safety, but the lives of everyone that I had ever known. Can you imagine that? One day you are here - the next day you are not. Do you even realize how many people would be completely ****ED UP from what you did? I didn't realize it, until the next morning, I had people calling and texting me, telling me how stupid I was, and how they were here to support me if I needed anything, and my friends who came over my house unannounced the next day to make sure I was alright. He wasn't even mad. He understood. That's what hurts the most. He was so disappointed in me, and he was so kind about it, but the way he looked at me is something that I will never forget. My friends sat me down and told me how it wasn't worth it, no girl was worth it no matter what, they really talked me through it. I was in the same place as you. I WANTED TO DIE. And I tried it. And I could have died, so easily. But I didn't. And I realized what I did, and it is the worst thing I've ever done before. As soon as I woke up, I didn't want what I had wanted before. My friend left me with these words: "Can you imagine? If you died, you would be robbing your future wife of a good husband. Your future son of a good father. You'd be robbing your friends of your friendship." If you want to talk, please message me. I'll give you my phone number, you can call me any time.
CopingGal Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Fallenheart, Listen up. When someone says something to you that you know is not true, is bizarre, and does not make any sense, do you listen to them? No you don't. So I'm asking you not to listen to yourself. You are in a dark, dark place and you can't see anything. But we can. We can be objective because we are not experiencing your personal pain. We are experiencing our own pain, but not yours. So, listen to the people who can see what you can't. Don't listen to the biazarre you, who's too overwhelmed to see and hear correctly. Because that version of you is not making sense. Listen to the people who can be objective- US. We are telling you not to do it. Why? Why are we telling you this: -We care about you -We know that things will get better. YOU don't know that, because you can't see anything but darkness and saddness. So let US be your eyes. Let us guide you out of the darkness. I'm telling you, you will not always feel this way. The pain will get better. I promise. You have to wait it out. You have to stand up and be a man. You have to stand up and be strong. You can do it. We will help you. You can be a man and face this pain and live with this pain until it gets better. And it will get better. I have faith in you.
CopingGal Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 SeventhFloor, my God! I'm so sorry. Thank goodness you are okay. I'm so glad you shared this story. Take care of you.
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