StrangeBehaviors Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Have any of you ever been in a relationship with someone that has a co-dependant personality? Experiences? Characteristics? How did it end? Is it continuing and driving you crazy? Thanks.
venusianx13 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Yes, and it lasted for over 5 years. I've been away from him for 6 months now and my life has improved vastly... It was such a crappy time, I feel like I lost part of my life... even in hindsight, it's blurry. The only solid thing he and I had going was physical attraction. That is the one thing that kept us together for so long. Sad. He lied to me consistently, and while deep down I knew he was lying (about things like drugs, other women, etc.) he somehow made me feel crazy for questioning him. He also thought he'd found a loophole where if he were to word himself a certain way, it somehow saved him the fault of committing the act of lying. He thought he was slick. Red flags popped up constantly, and it's not that I ignored them, it's that I felt imprisoned by him. He was manipulative. As soon as he'd see me drifting away, he'd reel me back in, because he knew just what to say. The cycle would start over. There's a lot more in between, but another thing that stood out for me about him was that he was very wishy-washy/fickle. He'd change his mind about things on the drop of a hat. If I ever caught him in a lie, he fed me a million justifications and eventually, I'd let him back into my heart again. He demanded trust, yet gave me no reason to trust him. After having been cheated on by him a handful of times, I'd finally had enough and did something I never thought I'd do: I cheated, too. Once. The guilt ate away at me, and when I admitted it to my ex, he was so "heartbroken" he ended things with me, and went out and f*cked a barmaid he just met. LOL. While I know what I did was not okay, I'm glad things turned out this way, because otherwise, I might still be in this horrendous excuse for a relationship.
venusianx13 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Also, he didn't stop contacting me immediately. He would send me forlorn texts, and pics of his "junk" thinking it would turn me on?! I was very close to going to the police. I will never forget one of the last texts he sent to me, he was referring to the last time he saw me: "You looked good. I should have raped you." Thank goodness he met someone new. I haven't heard from him for a couple of months. I'm in a new relationship with a very good man now, but I can't lie, my last relationship left strong impressions on me.
jmjacobs31 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I was in one for 9 years. He is a high functioning alcoholic. He lied to me about small stupid stuff. He had this way of turning everything around to me my fault. He made me feel guilty about everything and didn't allow me to have feelings. he sucked the life out of me. He would do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and I had no say. He manipulated me and has brought my self esteem down to nothing. I'm 3 months out of the relationship and still hurting and still feeling sorry for him/missing him. its hard.
robaday Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I am co-dependent. Found myself being uncharacteristically affected by her slightest mood. For a long time I thought that was love, but I realised that in many ways, it was me desperately seeking validation I didnt have inside. Having said that I think she was too. We were both damaged people - me depressive, her low self esteem. Chemistry was amazing, but relationship was awful. I still chase that high, the stress of the arguments, the incredible sex, the pain.....and really thats what our relationship was - painful. Im a bright guy, with a lot going for me, and im as surprised as anyone that I stayed trapped in a relationship. Same with her. We regret hurting each other so badly.
Author StrangeBehaviors Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks for the replies. For those that have replied or anyone reading that have similar situations: Would you say that you would characterize yourself as a "people pleaser"?
robaday Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 In many respects yeah - the idea of falling out with someone close to me, is terrifying and even if theyre in the wrong, Ill always try and repair things - Ive only ever cut one person out, but i should have done with many! Its like Ive jerked a lot of women around by never committing, but.......never fully leaving them alone.....i cant say goodbye, but i cant stay. Depends on how confident im feeling as well - when i was 25 i didnt care what people thought. One bad relationship later, Ive turned into a push over with poor boundaries.
venusianx13 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Yes, I guess I could translate into being a people pleaser. I bend over backwards for people...constantly. In cases such as my 5 year long narcissistic/co-dependent relationship, I rarely received anything in return, and it drove me to depression and poor self-esteem (as well as poor boundaries). I let him get away with too, too much, while I was always so devoted and doting.
Author StrangeBehaviors Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 What brought you (anyone) to finally end the relationship? Do you, or have you, sought out people with similar co-dependent characteristics since?
venusianx13 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 What ended up happening was that I began getting strange, anonymous emails from an unknown source, telling me that my boyfriend was a cheater, liar, druggy, etc. They wouldn't elaborate with further details, but hey, I already knew all of those things. When I started getting the emails, I knew it was time to tell my boyfriend I had cheated, and so I did. Upon hearing this, he cried, broke up with me, and f*cked a barmaid the next night. I see those emails as divine intervention... I still don't know who sent them, because whoever it was knew details specific to me and to my ex. It was so strange. God, I hope I don't look for people with similar characteristics. In fact, I've made it a rule for myself to avoid people with those kinds of personalities like the plague!! However, I do find MYSELF slipping into similar behavior and thought patterns if I don't remain self-aware. It's been a struggle (for me) in my new relationship. I find myself with the fears, the accusatory ways of approaching conflict, second-guessing... I am putting forth honest effort to rid myself of the residual effects of my last relationship. 1
Author StrangeBehaviors Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 What ended up happening was that I began getting strange, anonymous emails from an unknown source, telling me that my boyfriend was a cheater, liar, druggy, etc. They wouldn't elaborate with further details, but hey, I already knew all of those things. When I started getting the emails, I knew it was time to tell my boyfriend I had cheated, and so I did. Upon hearing this, he cried, broke up with me, and f*cked a barmaid the next night. I see those emails as divine intervention... I still don't know who sent them, because whoever it was knew details specific to me and to my ex. It was so strange. God, I hope I don't look for people with similar characteristics. In fact, I've made it a rule for myself to avoid people with those kinds of personalities like the plague!! However, I do find MYSELF slipping into similar behavior and thought patterns if I don't remain self-aware. It's been a struggle (for me) in my new relationship. I find myself with the fears, the accusatory ways of approaching conflict, second-guessing... I am putting forth honest effort to rid myself of the residual effects of my last relationship. Thanks for the information. Glad to see you recognize some of the things you "enable" in a relationship and are making effort to do better. I have a relative that is a classic/bad enabler to co-dependency. Everyone in the family couldn't figure it out (me either-til recently) and would say "What idiot is she gonna' show up with this time?" She has to have a guy that has problems. And then be "helping" with them. A strong, take control, no B.S., guy that has his life together, like most women are drawn too.....doesn't have a chance either. Because he doesn't need "help". The ironic thing is that she grows to hate the problems that they have and goes out to find someone else with different problems to "help". This is the worst relationship behavior I think I've seen because it is an almost unrecognizable thing by the person doing it. Other behaviors may be unhealthy but people often recognize it and are willing to participate for whatever reward they receive as a result of it. However, they recognize the behavior AND the reward. Co-dependee's don't. She's one bad Chicky. If you see her or something similar fella's run.
Recommended Posts