Consolidated discussion - Online dating

August 7, 2013

Here are my two profiles can someone help me make this more attractive to women? I am getting few to almost no responses from women.

Walking_far Sci-Fi, Doctor Who, hiking, driving, floating

Well I can't post the OK cupid one for some reason, but these are essentially the same. Any and all help is appreciated.

August 7, 2013

So I am single now, and I have set up accounts on both POF and OK Cupid, but I am not having much success. Is it ok if I post the links to my accounts and have people review them and give me pointers?

Have a look at the POF forums. They have a section specifically for getting your profile reviewed by others. But I don't see why you couldn't post here too.

August 7, 2013

Walking_far Sci-Fi, Doctor Who, hiking, driving, floating

I see a lot of girls with profiles saying they dislike mirror shots, so you might want to consider removing that, or if you must have one, try smiling. I tend to think natural photos showing you having fun doing what you do, are better than posed ones.

I'd remove this line:

Because its been a while since I've dated, I am not quite sure to how initiate contact very well, so it may take me a while to send something, or someone can send something to me first, an icebreaker, just a Hello.

Very few girls initiate first contact, and the ones that do aren't going to be swayed by whether you've asked them to or not, and for the ones that don't, this will probably make you seem a bit unappealing. You're just going to have to take the plunge and initiate lots and lots of first contact messages - as a guy, OLD is entirely a numbers game. Send 100 interesting and tailored responses, hope to get 5 or 10 responses, and hope to get 1-2 dates out of those.

Other than that, your profile seems ok but it's all very factual - laundry lists of hobbies can be boring to read. It's good that you've put some effort into describing who you are, but it could be good to lighten it up a little.

I should add that I'm not very good at writing profiles for myself, so take my advice with a pinch of salt. I have a (male) friend whose profile is just a series of loosely connected sentences; some are random anecdotes, some are factual things about himself, some are witty, and some are completely nonsensical and quirky. He's had tons of success with OLD, more than anyone else I know. Girls love that stuff, because it makes you seem interesting and funny (it helps that he IS interesting and funny, but regardless you might as well make as big of a first impression as possible - your profile is the one thing which you have the most control over how you are portrayed).

At the end of the day, OLD is very difficult as a guy, and there's a limit to how far you can change that simply by working magic with your profile.

Edited August 7, 2013 by sdraw108

August 8, 2013

I often wondered this....

1. People use online dating when they're on the "outs" with a significant other...as you MAY have recalled from the TV show "Friends" Ross said he was on a "break" from Rachael when he slept with another woman.

Basically, they break up with their sig. other for a couple of weeks and they THROW themselves into an online dating profile...then, they get into correspondence with people...and then disappear once they've reconciled with their 2-week ex boyfriend. lol

2. Married people of course on there looking for some kind of "escape" from their miserable marriage.

3. An ego boost

4. Now, here's something I've discovered myself. Let's say the situation is not significant other related, but if they have current non-relationship/marital situations going on in their lives (be it job, family, financial) they use it as an outlet to diffuse as well, they USUALLY follow through with meeting the people...because it's an "escape" from their real life issues.

Basically, meeting people via the online realm can make it easy to meet others, but also easy to cut ties with those people as well and not even allowing any bonds to form.

Anyone care to add more to the list?

August 8, 2013

Just to answer the question asked in the topic: I disagree that it's "most" but I'm sure that it's some.

August 8, 2013

Just to answer the question asked in the topic: I disagree that it's "most" but I'm sure that it's some.

Lol...like 50/50? :-)

August 8, 2013

From a mans POV, most "reasons" women use OLD sites are stacked against us. Thus making it a waste of time. X percentage are there with no intention of meeting someone (scared/ego boost), X percentage are rebounding, X percentage have unrealistic standards.

August 8, 2013

From a womans POV, most "reasons" men use OLD sites are stacked against us. Thus making it a waste of time. X percentage are there with no intention of looking for a relationship (scared/ego boost), X percentage are rebounding, X percentage have unrealistic standards.

August 8, 2013

I think it's ok for people to use OLD for whatever reason they choose. There is no rule that states "you must not join this site unless you can give a cast iron guarantee that you are 'baggage free' and ready to start a full-on romantic relationship".

Even e-harmony, which only accepts genuine singles (and requires proof of your single status if you've been married in the past) can't guarantee that your match will be over his/her ex, or doesn't have child custody issues, or even a steady income.

Past the age of 25 pretty much everybody has 'stuff', even if they don't realise it and, as for those who are looking for fun or an ego boost, why shouldn't they?

OLD is just another method of meeting people. It's unfortunate that you cant stipulate 'dating only' but you can't. That's just the nature of the internet. Maybe OLD sites would be better described as 'social club' sites. That way, people could view them in the same way they do any other social venue - and not treat them like candy stores where they expect to be able to find Mr or Ms Right sitting on a shelf waiting for them.

August 8, 2013

I often wondered this....

1. People use online dating when they're on the "outs" with a significant other...as you MAY have recalled from the TV show "Friends" Ross said he was on a "break" from Rachael when he slept with another woman.

Basically, they break up with their sig. other for a couple of weeks and they THROW themselves into an online dating profile...then, they get into correspondence with people...and then disappear once they've reconciled with their 2-week ex boyfriend. lol

2. Married people of course on there looking for some kind of "escape" from their miserable marriage.

3. An ego boost

4. Now, here's something I've discovered myself. Let's say the situation is not significant other related, but if they have current non-relationship/marital situations going on in their lives (be it job, family, financial) they use it as an outlet to diffuse as well, they USUALLY follow through with meeting the people...because it's an "escape" from their real life issues.

I do the 4. I am not in a position right now to be in a relationship due to a certain work situation/goal that requires my 100% focus. Maintaining a relationship requires far too much time, mental and emotional resources and it is not a priority at this stage.

However, I feel the need to have a distraction in the form of casual dating...like an escape from everyday life and preferably with different people. I guess it is possible that I would connect with someone and want more but right now, I hope it doesn't happen.

August 8, 2013

From a womans POV, most "reasons" men use OLD sites are stacked against us. Thus making it a waste of time. X percentage are there with no intention of looking for a relationship (scared/ego boost), X percentage are rebounding, X percentage have unrealistic standards.

Lol you'll be hard pressed to find a man who

uses OLD that is scared to meet up or there for an ego boost. I'm sure there are men who are rebounding an unrealistic though.

One thing a lot of people don't realize about OLD is that good looking men run it. We all think the world is at a womans finger tips and it may seem that way at first glance but it's not. Many men want easy sex so they'll go down in looks a couple clicks so they don't have to "work" for it. Take a guy who's an 8; All he has to do is message a cute 6 and he'll have her in the sack by date 3 and she'll be posting her wondering what happened.

Edited August 8, 2013 by SJC2008

August 8, 2013

Lol you'll be hard pressed to find a man who
uses OLD that is scared to meet up or there for an ego boost. I'm sure there are men who are rebounding an unrealistic though.

One thing a lot of people don't realize about OLD is that good looking men run it. We all think the world is at a womand finger tips and it may seem that way at first glance but it's not. Many men want easy sex so they'll go down in looks a couple clicks so they don't have to "work" for it. Take a guy who's an 8; All he has to do is message a cute 6 and he'll have her in the sack by date 3 and she'll be posting her wondering what happened.

Not me. Good looks by themselves have never done much.

August 8, 2013

Just to answer the question asked in the topic: I disagree that it's "most" but I'm sure that it's some.

50.00001% = most.

I know people dont like to see it that way.....but anything over 50% no matter how small calculates to most. People like to think only bigger numbers, such as 70-30 equates to most, but it just doesnt work that way.

I agree 100% with the OP. I've spent years and years talking(mostly) with women on dating sites. When you contact women too far away to meet....they tend to open the vault and speak freely.

MOST of them have expressed that they really dont know if they will actually meet anyone. They say they like the attention, they like to ego trip, and they generally use the sites as a form of entertainment. IF they happen to meet someone then it happens....but they do not come across to me that they are actively searching and using the site for that specific purpose.

Edited August 8, 2013 by MrTurk

August 8, 2013

50.00001% = most.

I know people dont like to see it that way.....but anything over 50% no matter how small calculates to most. People like to think only bigger numbers, such as 70-30 equates to most, but it just doesnt work that way.

Yes, my basic math isn't that bad! but I don't think that a majority are to decompress and not to date.

I think that most people on dating sites are there to date. Shocking, I know!

August 8, 2013

From a woman's point of view, most guys doing OLD expect sex from strangers... have no interest in getting to know you (besides whatever it takes to get in your shorts)... and are not looking for a relationship with anyone... just someone to 'f' for awhile until something better comes along in their endless trolling for who knows what??

So, I took the D out of OLD a long time ago. I use it as a way to indicate to men that I'm single, and where I will be at a given time doing an activity I enjoy and he SAYS he enjoys.

Kind of like the trailer to the Meetup movie... or whatever other activity comes to mind.

August 8, 2013

From a woman's point of view, most guys doing OLD expect sex from strangers... have no interest in getting to know you (besides whatever it takes to get in your shorts)... and are not looking for a relationship with anyone... just someone to 'f' for awhile until something better comes along in their endless trolling for who knows what??

So, I took the D out of OLD a long time ago. I use it as a way to indicate to men that I'm single, and where I will be at a given time doing an activity I enjoy and he SAYS he enjoys.

Kind of like the trailer to the Meetup movie... or whatever other activity comes to mind.

Can I put the D back in dating for you?

August 8, 2013

OLD= Alot of married men trolling for jumpoffs. They want to meet you the first time they chat with you, hit it, then quit it. Be careful, ladies.

August 8, 2013

50.00001% = most.

MOST of them have expressed that they really dont know if they will actually meet anyone. They say they like the attention, they like to ego trip, and they generally use the sites as a form of entertainment. IF they happen to meet someone then it happens....but they do not come across to me that they are actively searching and using the site for that specific purpose.

I've had this problem quite a lot recently, you exchange some promising messages, then suggest meeting up or ask for their number and they suddenly disappear, never to be heard from again.

Has anyone here used the paid dating sites such as Match.com and Eharmony? My guess is these sites would have far fewer people just there for the ego trip as it would be a bit too much to a pay subscription just to get some attention. So the vast majority of women on these sites would be genuinely interested in meeting someone.

Secondly does putting somewhere in the profile such as "no time wasters please" or "I'm not here just for pen pals" work or does it just put off people who may genuinely be interested?

August 8, 2013

I've had this problem quite a lot recently, you Secondly does putting somewhere in the profile such as "no time wasters please" or "I'm not here just for pen pals" work or does it just put off people who may genuinely be interested?

You can weed those out yourself with a little knowledge and practice, and call them out personally (rather than on your profile). My rule of thumb was that there had to be a discussion about meeting within four emails. If there wasn't, I stopped responding. If the person sent an additional email after that, I responded nicely that I wasn't looking to find a pen pal, that I was serious about meeting in person, and that if they didn't want to meet, I was moving on. And I did.

The same rule applies after you actually meet. At that point, you're either texting or emailing. If nothing has been said about meeting again, give it four exchanges. If there is still no word about going out for a second date, odds are good that it's dead in the water. No point in continuing to talk; that's when I'd stop responding.

The overarching thing to remember is this: when someone wants to see you, they make it clear. Think about those circus acts with the guy spinning plates on many different spindles. When you're just an option, these OLD people try to keep your plate spinning (by dangling the occasional worthless text or email) in case the other spinning plates crash. I don't know about you, but I'm worthy of far more consideration.

Edited August 8, 2013 by It's Just Me

August 9, 2013

I see a lot of girls with profiles saying they dislike mirror shots, so you might want to consider removing that, or if you must have one, try smiling. I tend to think natural photos showing you having fun doing what you do, are better than posed ones.

I removed that line like you said, thinking about it, it does work against me. As for the photo, there aren't many of me out there in action shots, unless I am really drunk, and thats about 2 photos.

I tend to take the pictures, instead of being in them. In almost all my pictures, I noticed that I stand and look like Sheldon Cooper from the big bang theory. Especially when I smile.

August 10, 2013

I updated my profile just now and the website has instituted a policy of hiding the profile until someone can approve the changes. As a subscriber, I used to be able to avoid that process and it pisses me off that my profile may be offline the entire weekend, which is "prime time." Don't know if all websites do that but it's something to keep in mind.

I can only hope their "staff" are a bunch of lazy wankers who will just approved anything so they can get back to surfing porn.

August 11, 2013

Interesting article and entirely 100% in agreement.

Psychologists highlight pitfalls of online dating

Esp. note these parts:

One of the weaknesses of online dating is an over reliance on "profiles," the researchers say. Although most dating websites feature photos and detailed, searchable profiles covering everything from personality traits to likes and dislikes, this information isn't necessarily useful in identifying a partner, Finkel and his coauthors write.

The abundance of profiles online also may make daters too picky and judgmental, the authors say. The sheer number of options can be overwhelming, and the ease with which people can sift through profiles -- and click on to the next one -- may lead them to "objectify" potential partners and compare them like so many pairs of shoes.

August 11, 2013

So that's why mine is constantly overlooked. They have so much more choice, and all is apparently better than me.

Yeah, it's kind of funny how people say there's "something wrong with you" if you don't even response. lol

It's really all about what people make of online dating that determines if you have a shot at someone or not.

August 11, 2013

Interesting article and entirely 100% in agreement.

Psychologists highlight pitfalls of online dating

Esp. note these parts:

One of the weaknesses of online dating is an over reliance on "profiles," the researchers say. Although most dating websites feature photos and detailed, searchable profiles covering everything from personality traits to likes and dislikes, this information isn't necessarily useful in identifying a partner, Finkel and his coauthors write.

The abundance of profiles online also may make daters too picky and judgmental, the authors say. The sheer number of options can be overwhelming, and the ease with which people can sift through profiles -- and click on to the next one -- may lead them to "objectify" potential partners and compare them like so many pairs of shoes.

Bolded is true for me. I think it's a good thing. I used to stress so much about dating.

Now I am like "Eh plenty more where that came from"

August 11, 2013

I'm trying it for the first time since last week. It's not looking promising. I must have sent 30 messages out, short and specific to their profiles, always to people online very recently. Only 4 have even viewed my profile. I've had 2 replies, one from a clearly unhappy woman attacking me, the other from someone who appears to have just been being nice. Some 50 year old troglodyte requested to meet who hasn't even viewed my profile. Most women on there write no more than a couple sentences profile and they're all clones - they like travel, they like the gym, they like nights out, end of story. What is it with "liking travel", is it a codeword or something? Some of those I've messaged have been truly on-spec for me, describing what I'm like and do (and my profile describes), and they don't respond.

I don't need any of that in my life. I feel lonelier now than I did before I signed up.

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