Aquamelon Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 For those who seen my other posts, my boyfriend has been having doubts for the past month or so about being together mostly due to him not wanting to move out to be with me. We've only been dating for 5 months and made far too many promises too quickly and we before agreed to backstep and go slower. The past month I thought was going a lot smoother. No more big fights. If I felt insecure I would confront him and he would reassure me and that would be it. We're 3 days from seeing each other. This will be our 2nd meeting and we haven't seen each other since April (101 days or so). I asked him a simple question about whether or not he thinks it's a good idea to book for September since the flight is almost sold out. Suddenly it turned into him telling me that he wasn't sure booking would be such a good idea. Just because he isn't sure of what will happen between us from now until then. I told him I could get insurance on it so that I could get a full refund should we break up but he still was not wanting me to book. So I asked him to tell me what this was really about. He told me that his feelings for me have been diminishing and that he doesn't know if he has the motivation to rebuild them back up. I told him I felt the same way about my feelings towards him and that it was normal under the circumstances moreso with the bad moments we've had. I told him I didn't want/need him to give me long-term commitment. I just want him to commit to trying to work on our relationship right now. To continue getting to know each other. I asked him if he thought he could do that, to answer from his heart, he said no. He told me that he doesn't think he's ready to start a "normal" relationship. So then I told him okay then he was letting me go and he was letting the 5 months of hard work go too. That we'd loose contact and never speak/see each other again. He said he didn't want that. I asked him what he thought he would feel for me when he saw me in 3 days. He said he knew he'd want to be with me all over again. I asked him why wasn't that enough? He just said he wasn't sure what would happen afterwards and that was what he's afraid of. That seeing me would make all the feelings come back only to have them die out all over again. I asked him to tell me that he doesn't love me and wants to break me. He couldn't. I told him he was letting the past events, the bad ones, and the doubts about the future kill his feelings for me. So then I told him why don't we start over again from scratch. Today will be like our first day of dating and the visit will renew our feelings and we can take it from there build our feelings for each other back. We'll see each other again in around 50 days. He agreed that he would like to do that and told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. So here I am... at work with no sleep and all this still fresh on my mind. I know I'm the one who suggested a new start. I think we could both use it. Spend less time together etc. But how do I erase the things he said to me last night from my heart and mind? To hear him say that he loves me less than he did a few months ago and to hear him say he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Yet at the same time have him tell me that he loves me and doesn't want to let me go is all so confusing. What do I do? With the trip 3 days away... I don't know if I want to see him. I mean I do want to but I'm scared that one week after I come back he'll tell me he doesn't want to be with me. I can't get myself to let him go. I don't want to sound deluded but I know he loves me. If he didn't want to be with me, he would of let me go. Any words of wisdom. Please. I have never been more scared in my entire life.
TMichaels Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 ...my boyfriend has been having doubts for the past month or so about being together mostly due to him not wanting to move out to be with me. We're 3 days from seeing each other. This will be our 2nd meeting and we haven't seen each other since April (101 days or so). I asked him a simple question about whether or not he thinks it's a good idea to book for September since the flight is almost sold out. Suddenly it turned into him telling me that he wasn't sure booking would be such a good idea. I told him I could get insurance on it so that I could get a full refund should we break up but he still was not wanting me to book. I told him I didn't want/need him to give me long-term commitment. I just want him to commit to trying to work on our relationship right now. To continue getting to know each other. I asked him if he thought he could do that, to answer from his heart, he said no. He told me that he doesn't think he's ready to start a "normal" relationship. I asked him what he thought he would feel for me when he saw me in 3 days. He said he knew he'd want to be with me all over again. I asked him why wasn't that enough? He just said he wasn't sure what would happen afterwards and that was what he's afraid of. That seeing me would make all the feelings come back only to have them die out all over again. I asked him to tell me that he doesn't love me and wants to break me. He couldn't. So then I told him okay then he was letting me go and he was letting the 5 months of hard work go too. That we'd loose contact and never speak/see each other again. He said he didn't want that. Geez, Aquamelon. Give the guy a break! He's being honest with you and you refuse to listen. You keep pushing, pushing. pushing and badgering him at every turn. The fact of the matter is, you've "been dating" five whole months. Within two months you pushed him to agree to move out to where you live and then threw a hissy fit when he admitted to you that upon further reflection he had gotten caught up in the moment and hadn't been realistic about making the move. You met in person once, yet insisted a quarterly schedule of visits be set up. You haven't even had the second visit yet, and you're pushing to make airline reservations for the third. He's told you that he doesn't like the constant roller coaster of emotions that are to a degree are inherent in any relationship but especially pronounced in a LDR and your response was to pout, stomp your feet like a little child and essentially say "well then, you just don't love me so we might as well never see/speak to each other ever again -- I hope you're happy now." Geez! For god's sake, Aquamelon CHILL OUT and BACK-OFF! I don't know where you got the idea that relationships *have to* proceed at a lightning-fast pace or according to a prescribed schedule or "the person really doesn't love you" but you're wrong. Relationships evolve (or not) as time goes by and if/when people's feelings of love and attachment grow. You cannot force anyone to behave, think or feel according to a time-table (especially one you've decided is appropriate) and the sooner you come to that realization the better off you will be. I don't know what the problem is here, but I suspect you have some significant insecurity and/or control issues which is why you crave constant reassurance and need to have a game plan in place and are so devastated when things don't go "according to plan." I noticed on one of your other threads, you mention you don't have and don't know how to go about making friends. That may also be a reason why you've made this guy the center of your universe and are so hell-bent on having it succeed. You really need to figure out why you are so desperate and needy. And, you need to realize just how passive-aggressive your behavior can be. For example, you said: I told him he was letting the past events, the bad ones, and the doubts about the future kill his feelings for me. So then I told him why don't we start over again from scratch. Today will be like our first day of dating and the visit will renew our feelings and we can take it from there build our feelings for each other back.I said to myself, "Great! She finally gets it! Things aren't as dire as they seem." But then you told him: [Then]We'll see each other again in around 50 days.Sheesh, Aquamelon! Give it a rest! He agreed that he would like to do that and told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Congratulations, Aquamelon! You finally beat it out of him. Do you feel better now? No, of course you don't, so why do you keep on doing it? What's compelling you to act like that? I know I'm the one who suggested a new start. I think we could both use it. Spend less time together etc. But how do I erase the things he said to me last night from my heart and mind? To hear him say that he loves me less than he did a few months ago and to hear him say he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Yet at the same time have him tell me that he loves me and doesn't want to let me go is all so confusing. What do I do? With the trip 3 days away... I don't know if I want to see him. I mean I do want to but I'm scared that one week after I come back he'll tell me he doesn't want to be with me. I can't get myself to let him go. I don't want to sound deluded but I know he loves me. If he didn't want to be with me, he would of let me go. Any words of wisdom. Please. I have never been more scared in my entire life.Quit putting the cart before the horse and working yourself up into such a twit. You told him that you wanted to start over and that's what he will be expecting when the two of you meet up in a few days. If you start obsessing and grilling him again while he's there about "future plans" you're only going to give him more reasons to doubt whether it's worth the hassle to be in a relationship with you. You need to get it through your head that you can't force your will or wishes on anyone. Your relationship will either continue to blossom or it won't, period. All the pushing, badgering, ultimatums, temper tantrums, anxiety attacks and drama in the world will not bring the two of you closer or make him act the way you need him to in order to fill the void that's within you. Sorry, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you truly want this (or any long-term relationship) to succeed then you need to realize you need to devote your energies not on changing the other person, but getting to bottom of why it is you act, think and react the way you do which is standing in the way of you having a lasting, fulfilling relationship with another. All that aside, he's coming to visit you in three days. He's not totally fed up with you or he wouldn't be doing it. Take comfort in that. If you want to feel more secure in your relationship and his feelings about you, then you need to turn the tables -- *he* needs to be the one to want and need you in his life -- not the other way around. Go back and reflect on what he has told you and how your behavior up to this point has contributed (not in a good way) to where you are now -- then QUIT repeating it, and show him (and yourself) how great things can be between you when you both relax, go with the flow, and let things develop instead of insisting or expecting they do. Best, TMichaels
Author Aquamelon Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I think I must have read your reply to my post over a dozen times. Mostly because I wanted to make sure that it sunk in what you were saying. You weren't harsh at all. Your post made me start thinking of this last month where I have supposedly been so much than how I used to be. It made me realize I haven't been that much better at all. Do I scream and curse less? Yes. But I still get pissy about the most insignificant things. It feels like I always had something that I was complaining about. Yesterday this new start was hard. I stopped myself from calling him and just waited to hear from him. He made it a point to comment on my status updates and posts on facebook - something he normally wouldn't do. He played a video game on the computer for most of the night but when he saw me log onto skype, he started typing to me on there. Just asking how I was doing and what I was doing - basic chit chat. But didn't call me. This was the part where I found it a challenge to relax and not freak. I know for a fact all he was doing was sitting there playing the game in question (he had a intense project in it) so my head automatically started thinking the same ol' things like "well if he's just sitting there why can't he just call me". I took a step back, called up another friend on skype, and found something to do online. My boyfriend would type to me every so often and I made it a point to say I'd love to see his project when he was done with it. After about 2 hours or so, he called me on skype and told me he was ready for me to see it. We ended up skyping for about 2 hours and then I told him I needed to go to bed. He called me and we talked for about an hour more before I fell asleep. When we talked on the phone, he actually asked me how i felt about our first day of starting over. I was surprised he brought it up. I told him, it had been rough in little spots here and there. Just cause I could feel myself start to dwell on the past but that I shook it off and actually felt good about the day. He said he felt good about it too and that he was happy/content with how the day went. One thing that I asked (which I do regret) was for him to make me a promise, he agreed, and I asked him that if he felt like I was starting to lose him he'd let me know right away. He said he would and I told him that I intended to keep the same promise. I know yesterday was only a babystep in the right direction. I need to learn how to naturally relax and stop over-analyzing every single action or word he does. I can't lie though. I booked my flight for September yesterday. I got the full insurance on it so that if something were to happen I'll get my full refund. And this is something I am not mentioning to him. I figure he already knows the day this trip is supposed to take place and when he wants to ask/talk about it, he will come to me.
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