MissBee Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) But the reason I am embarressed if we break up is that it was such a huge thing when they split and then a short time later it came out that we were together and if we break up then we both look like a couple of losers who had an affair, his family broke up, my relaitonship broke up and then it didn't even work out. It sounds stupid but it's embarrassing. It is embarrassing. I think for some APs, they feel forced to make it work, even when it's not working, just because they feel they paid such a huge price, and essentially don't want it to be for nothing or don't want to hear "I told you so". It's understandable, but also a lot of pressure that doesn't allow an organic relationship to develop. I do understand what you're saying about the relationship not having time to grow. Dating should be the time where in the open you can realistically assess the potential of your relationship. I do think normal and healthy dating allows for you to have it work or not work with little pressure. Many times on here I hear the MP is leaving and now the exAPs are discussing moving in, meeting kids and all this and in my mind I'm like why? Why? Why would you do that? Would you have done this with a regular single guy/girl? Many times it seems the A turned open takes on a ready-made, if not, forced quality, that pushes the relationship to a more mature stage than it actually should be in and all because of the fear of failure. That's why people don't need to leave their marriage FOR another person, because it puts a lot of pressure on that specific person and relationship to last forever because it wasn't something done because you wanted to, regardless of your AP. Your relationship shouldn't be based on proving people wrong. Your MM seems like he would have never left had his wife not kicked him out, and that's probably why he's pressuring you to have a ready made family as well and pressed you to leave your bf too, because he doesn't want to look like an idiot who left for some young girl he barely knew and now has nothing to show for it. That in mind, he may very well feel just as you do, but that's not a good foundation. We all make mistakes and sometimes our mistakes are for all too see. If it isn't working, it just isn't. You won't die from embarrassment. People get over it...and you have to do what is best for you and not John Public. I had a friend who would broadcast every minute detail of her relationship with a professional athlete on her FB page. She kept commenting on how she was his future wife, she kept commenting on his nieces and nephews pages, every profile pic was of the two of them, every gift he gave her, every hotel they went to...down to what she did for him on valentine's day, she had pictures and full comments and even videos of it all. It was all for public consumption and everyone drank it up because it was out there for all to see. They had been together for less than a year. My opinion was that it's tacky and people who act like that relationships don't last and then when it inevitably comes crashing down..it is even more awkward as you allowed everyone to be in your business, so your breakup will also be very public. So said...so done. They did break up and it was incredibly embarrassing for her and just as how people commented on their happy times, so too did people comment on the breakup. It was a big debacle and I think she learned her lesson about keeping her romantic life more private. Long story short: although it was embarrassing and people talked about it and she even had to deactivate FB, she did move on, and people moved on as well and her life is good now. So you and MM will be fine if you breakup. People may talk and it will be embarrassing, esp for him...but it won't be the end of the world, promise . Edited July 20, 2012 by MissBee
truthbetold Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 But the reason I am embarressed if we break up is that it was such a huge thing when they split and then a short time later it came out that we were together and if we break up then we both look like a couple of losers who had an affair, his family broke up, my relaitonship broke up and then it didn't even work out. It sounds stupid but it's embarrassing. Rosie, if that's your logic then since he's a serial cheat and things really don't work out, but neither of you is willing to suffer public embarrassment so you stay together on the surface but he starts cheating on you, you say you would leave, but would you really? Because if you can't leave now for embarassment, how are you going to handle it when he decides it was just a midlife crisis. Because that's how your logic is reading. If what you're saying is true, then if he cheats you may as well suck that up too bc it'll be too embarrassing to realize you were nothing more than just someone at the time that was a soft place to land. Rosie I'd pretty much guarantee that the people at work already have bets not if but when you two will split. It will not be a surprise and honestly the more you hang on the more desperate you are looking all in the name of winning. So you won him away Rosy with your sexy pictures, but what did you win really? You sure didn't and won't win the respect of the two kids that you two continue to destroy by your selfish actions. Rosy eventually if you have a heart, it will eat away at you. If it doesn't well, that says a lot too. If everyone on a message board can read that this was a disaster with no thought just rush planning to make it work so he could stick it to his wife, then I guarantee everyone at the office is pitying you and wondering when you'll wake up too.
Artie Lang Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 the apple doesn't fall from the tree, does it Rosie? knowing what your own mother went through, you'd think you'd have better judgment. she must be very proud of you. again.....25 and you're chasing a 40-year-old cheater. good grief.
Artie Lang Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 it doesn't matter. Rosie is smitten. i actually feel bad for the bf. losing out to an OLD guy is a real shot to the ego. YIKES!
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 To whomever asked about my stepparent. It took me about a year or two to really accept them but we're not close. My parents don't speak and haven't since the divorce. My mother was very upset when my father left for the other woman. She's also remarried and he's ok. I was introduced to my father's gf very quickly as they moved in together when my parents split. I also met my stepfather fairly quickly. It'st eh way things were done in my family. I think MMs parents were together immediately as well and met the kids from teh first marriage very quickly. It seems to have worked out ok but I don't think the first kids are close to MM's mother. This is what worries me. It's been 40 years since his parents got together and it's still two families in a lot of ways, I htink. You CANNOT compare your situation growing up to this situation. You do not know their kids and you certainly don't know what is best for them. HE doesn't know what is best for his own kids. ANY loving and caring parent would NOT force, set up, manipulate the kids into meeting an OW or OM, especially if they do NOT want to meet the OM or OW. IN your situation, these kids are NOT ready. It's an issue because you are pushy and so is he. Let the meeting the kids thing GO. How many times does everybody have to say this? It is not healthy for them to be forced into this, they don't like you, especially their son since D-Day happened on the poor kids BIRTHDAY! Come on Rosie.. Have some empathy and sympathy for them.
mercy Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 You CANNOT compare your situation growing up to this situation. You do not know their kids and you certainly don't know what is best for them. HE doesn't know what is best for his own kids. ANY loving and caring parent would NOT force, set up, manipulate the kids into meeting an OW or OM, especially if they do NOT want to meet the OM or OW. IN your situation, these kids are NOT ready. It's an issue because you are pushy and so is he. Let the meeting the kids thing GO. How many times does everybody have to say this? It is not healthy for them to be forced into this, they don't like you, especially their son since D-Day happened on the poor kids BIRTHDAY! Come on Rosie.. Have some empathy and sympathy for them. I just don't think you guys are getting it. It's embarrassing for the kids to refuse to meet rosie. They're happy so the kids can just get happy, right now!
truthbetold Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Rosie, I too echo what LadyGrey told you. I found out what she was referring to as well, and no she didn't tell me I have no communication with her (do have much respect for her posts) but I can be a super sleuth. Suffice to say it is indeed as we all are telling you. You absolutely are 2nd choice bc of Dday. She called the shots. And she's not egging the kids on. They can't stand you on their own, and that's likely not to change. They're pretty remarkable kids for their ages and quite sick of dad. It's a matter of time before they refuse to have anything to do with him either. They will never meet you, I'd bet anything on that. It's crystal clear, this is not a matter of time before they come around. They know you and your manipulations and they're done. Rosie, he's scum, he's a true piece of work. They had every intention of taking that vacation this summer until the discovery. So regardless if he took you away now it's all really to spite her. She really could care less but he's even left implications that it's a matter of time before you guys split. He looks like a fool to all his former friends, and eventually it's going to catch up. MIDLIFE CRISIS too bad you didn't see it for what it was and it's going to take your world imploding to get it. You brought all this on though. Sad you're so young but like everyone said very, very naive. 1
truthbetold Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Oh and Rosie, one last thing ALL of his affairs. ALL including yours were for her attention. It's really quite obvious now even though many of us suspected as much. This time it backfired bigtime on him, good for her. She's going to get a great man if that's what she wants, bc she's pretty cool in how she handles things. Of course she was upset at first, she's not a saint, but she's really, very cool. Watch him go apechit if she does decide she wants to date. Guys like him usually do especially since he's being such an azz with his kids they'll likely warm up to a different father figure, one they can respect. And like we've told you, he's only TELLING you she wants him back. That's all delusions in his head and designed to make you hold on tighter. It's actually pretty hilarious the lengths they sometime go to, but like I said very predicatable. But it seems that if you're naive you'll buy into all that and how many women want them. Most people around you are giving a year. If you desire respect from others, you'll never get it staying with him. People all around you are just shaking their heads seeing what a mess it is, not some fabulous love story of two people so destined to be together. So keep telling yourself lies and what you think of this supposed great love that came about. I saw words from the other side and you can't fool me anymore. Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive... Edited July 20, 2012 by truthbetold
frozensprouts Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Rosie, ( this may sound rude, and for that i really do apologize...it's just that everyone on here has tried be kind to you int their advice, and it doesn't seem to be sinking in...maybe the "harsher approach " might)... Rosie, it seems to me like it's high time you grew up and started acting like an adult. You're 25, not 16, and you're acting like a besotted teenager. You're not a child, you're an adult. You've had a least one long term relationship, you hold down a responsible position, you live on your own and look after yourself. You have control of yourself and your life here, yet you seem to find any and every excuse to avoid exercising this control...why is that? Perhaps instead of expending so much time and energy into trying to figure him out ( he is what he is and you can't change that...only he can, and quite frankly, with you being willing to accept all his cr@p, why should he?), you should be expending that time and energy trying to figure yourself out. Why is someone, who in every other area of her life acting very mature and responsible, acting in a totally opposite way when it comes to this relationship? why is his ( on your) poor behavior here everyone else's fault and responsibility? Why are you two not responsible for your relationship and how you act? If you don't want to meet his kids right now, then why don't you take responsibility for that and say "no"...what are you so afraid of? ( again, sorry if I was harsh and rude) 1
truthbetold Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) why is his ( on your) poor behavior here everyone else's fault and responsibility? Why are you two not responsible for your relationship and how you act? If you don't want to meet his kids right now, then why don't you take responsibility for that and say "no"...what are you so afraid of? ( again, sorry if I was harsh and rude) She is the one pushing for the meeting. Not sure why she wants us to believe otherwise. Moot point, the kids will never meet her. Not now, not in a year. They see her for what she did and they have zero respect. Sorry but true. Edited July 20, 2012 by truthbetold 1
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