whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I just feel like we've got so much going for us, with our love, yet so much against us, with the kids, the wife, the friends and others, it just makes me wonder where this will end. Everyone is overall very nice to me but I still feel like it's her life when I'm with his world, like it's not mine. He isn't yours. They aren't even divorced!! You two had an affair and everybody knows. You cannot force the kids, grandparents, friends or anybody else to accept you so soon. This all takes time and patience. You are worrying and thinking too much into the future instead of focussing on the now and taking things day by day.
UpwardForward Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I don't think he's forcing a meeting. He's told them he wants them to meet me and they've said no and we've agreed that if they can't accept me then it's going to be very hard to have a future together. I just thought an hour of having fun at a playground or something would be relaxed, non pressure and a good start without a lot of pressure on them. One of them has already met you, correct? You said the meeting went well. Obviously his current uncertain circumstances are giving the little boy second thoughts. How dare the father tell the children to meet with his OW. You and the MM's so-called 'love' is a very selfish one. You think the children are supposed to accept you because (in your opinion) you have made the MM happy?? Grow up. The two of you: Leave these children alone. They are just victims in this. To have to accept you - due to pressure from the father? awful.
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Well, it's not an issue it seems as they've said they won't meet me. So that's one problem set aside for now.
snowflakes88 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Does it make you feel better to think that his W was distraught over losing him and is just picking up the pieces out of necessity? You always seem to discount the fact that she put HIM out - he didn't leave on his own. Had she not put him out, I'd bet money that the two of you wouldn't even be in this "relationship." And now he has an easy out. His kids won't accept you? Welp, it won't work. That's what he gets to say, anyway. Everything ties up neatly for him. His family (and you, to a lesser degree) gets left with the mess.
PhoenixRise Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Well, it's not an issue it seems as they've said they won't meet me. So that's one problem set aside for now. Rosie Don't be a part of anymore surprises. no more surprise meetings with the kids. When he is with them, give the kids some time alone with their father without constant communication from you. If you really think this is a long-term relationship for you then start acting like it. Stop acting like everything has to happen right now. Give the kids the time they need because they need it. Give the kids what they need without considering what you want. 1
alexandria35 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 So Rosie, what do you think of a 40 something adult man telling his little boy to lie to his own mother? Does that really sound right to you? 2
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 So Rosie, what do you think of a 40 something adult man telling his little boy to lie to his own mother? Does that really sound right to you? He says he never asked his son to lie. It's his wife who said it. She sent me an email after that meeting, explaining why she thought it was wrong to do that and that she was upset that he asked his son to lie. I don't know who's telling the truth. He said he mentioned to his son that his mum might not like hearing about it.
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Does it make you feel better to think that his W was distraught over losing him and is just picking up the pieces out of necessity? You always seem to discount the fact that she put HIM out - he didn't leave on his own. Had she not put him out, I'd bet money that the two of you wouldn't even be in this "relationship." And now he has an easy out. His kids won't accept you? Welp, it won't work. That's what he gets to say, anyway. Everything ties up neatly for him. His family (and you, to a lesser degree) gets left with the mess. No, it doesn't make me feel better that she was distraught. It made me feel very guilty until she started doing crazy stuff like calling me and writing things about me on the internet and telling everyone about it. Then I got kind of pissed, although I guess I understand that she lost it a bit. I know she put him out but he was on his way out anyway, he just hadn't gotten things organized to leave. I don't think they'd still be together if she hadn't kicked him out as he was not happy. I don't think I'd be with BF if we hadn't broken up over this either. I don't see it as an out for him with the kids. I think he's being realistic, that if they don't accept me it's going to be impossible as they are so important to him and he wouldn't put me before them, which seems pretty admirable to me.
woinlove Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 He was out with his kid and I was around so we had a 'surprise' meeting in a shop, then went for a coffee. It went ok, but his wife was very angry as she said her son was upset and that MM had asked him to lie to her about it. He didn't seem upset when he was with us but who knows. It was kind of dumb but we were anxious to see how it would go. This seems like cruel, emotional abuse of the child, bringing one's own child into these kind of manipulative situations. I really think this man needs therapy and, as I've said before, I feel sad that his children have a father like him. If this man would get some professional help and sort out his head as far as acting like a responsible father, then the situation with the children would be much more likely to fall into place. 2
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 This seems like cruel, emotional abuse of the child, bringing one's own child into these kind of manipulative situations. I really think this man needs therapy and, as I've said before, I feel sad that his children have a father like him. If this man would get some professional help and sort out his head as far as acting like a responsible father, then the situation with the children would be much more likely to fall into place. I just don't think he was thinking it through. He was shopping with his son, we were texting, he was close by and just said 'stop in' and took it from there. I'm not sure about therapy. I honestly think he's very impulsive at times and doesn't think things through before acting.
woinlove Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 He says he never asked his son to lie. It's his wife who said it. She sent me an email after that meeting, explaining why she thought it was wrong to do that and that she was upset that he asked his son to lie. I don't know who's telling the truth. He said he mentioned to his son that his mum might not like hearing about it. As a serial cheater, I would not be inclined to believe him, but even putting that aside, let's take his version of events at face value. He mentioned to his son that his mother might not like hearing about the surprise meeting with you that he arranged? This is not like mentioning that your mother might not like that daddy gave you ice-cream before dinner. What was his son to make of this? Did his son fully understand the implications of his father saying his mother might not like hearing about meeting you? Or was his son supposed to just let his imagination fill in the blanks? Was he supposed to keep the secret from his mother? Or let her know and then see what his father meant? I hope they have a great mother, because with a father like this, they really, really need one. 3
woinlove Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I just don't think he was thinking it through. He was shopping with his son, we were texting, he was close by and just said 'stop in' and took it from there. I'm not sure about therapy. I honestly think he's very impulsive at times and doesn't think things through before acting. Rosie, as far as I know you have not been a parent and so probably don't fully appreciate how much parenting one's children influences your actions and words. If you have children in the future, I suspect you will look back on MM's actions and wonder just how he could be so messed up to play around with his own innocent child's trust in his parents.
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Impulsive?????????????????????? You bet!!!!!!!!! This guy is a psycopath and you cannot see it. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Pers Soc Psychol Rev. 2006;10(2):154-65. Impulsivity and the self-defeating behavior of narcissists. Vazire S, Funder DC. Source Department of Psychology, The University of Texas at Austin, Austin, TX 78712, USA. [email protected] Abstract Currently prominent models of narcissism (e.g., Morf and Rhodewalt, 2001) primarily explain narcissists' self-defeating behaviors in terms of conscious cognitive and affective processes. We propose that the disposition of impulsivity may also play an important role. We offer 2 forms of evidence. First, we present a meta-analysis demonstrating a strong positive relationship between narcissism and impulsivity. Second, we review and reinterpret the literature on 3 hallmarks of narcissism: self-enhancement, aggression, and negative long-term outcomes. Our reinterpretation argues that impulsivity provides a more parsimonious explanation for at least some of narcissists' self-defeating behavior than do existing models. These 2 sources of evidence suggest that narcissists' quest for the status and recognition they so intensely desire is thwarted, in part, by their lack of the self-control necessary to achieve those goals. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Everything you have described about this man resonates with narcissism.:( He's a narcissist? Seriously? I need to read more on this. I think it's been mentioned before but I'm having a hard time seeing it. He's been through a lot the past 8 months, having to rebuild his life from scratch, and I sometimes think it's made him a bit crazy at times, trying to make it all work.
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Well, it's not an issue it seems as they've said they won't meet me. So that's one problem set aside for now. No, it isn't. It puts them in control and makes it clear they're allowed to reject you. They should never have had the option. Things should have been much more settled before it was even a thought in their father's brain. Are you reading the posts? REALLY reading? Or are you feeling defensive and got at?
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 It is very obvious he is a narcissist. He certainly has several criteria: Impulsive Lacks empathy Charming Serial cheater Blames wife for everything However, i am certain MM feels he is a great guy. That is why he has difficulty accepting any criticism. Again, this scares me. When I'm with him he's so great and when we talk or text on the phone it all feels so right. Then I come here and I see things differently. But I just don't know that I'm ready to end it. Crap.
Capris Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hi rosie, Dealing with a narcissist is scary. Identifying one, though, needs research. Alot of people share some traits, yet are not narcissists or in general, suffer from any personality disorder. You should do some research , if things gets scarier while researching, consult a doctor to be sure. Keep in mind, while you are researching, that you should be objective. Compare his traits on how he behaves to everybody, not only you and try to see it from a third persons view. No loving feelings, no feelings of fear or anger. If its us (forum) and only us that makes you see things differently, think again. All of us share similiar storis and some may be projecting our stories on you. Then again, maybe you are a little concerned to begin with?Are you seeing our comments as a validation of what you are feeling or as something "alien" that just seems to fit? I hope i made sense. Take care!!
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 I'm reading a lot right now and trying to figure it out. He fits some things but I'm not sure about all of it. I only see him with people at work and here and there with friends, but that's for short periods of time, like for drinks or something.
Capris Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 You should check other Personality disorders too. They are called cluster B personality disorders. Note that i recently discovered that my exMM suffers from AsPD (antisocial), so i might be doing the projection i mentioned. Feel free to pm. I really hope he doesnt fit any category. Again, we cant make a diagnose, so i strongly recommend that if you see a serious amount of red flags in any type, consult a doctor. My xMM for example...i could tell you 200 stories for every trait and incidents from different people. In repeat: Im recently "struck" by a case like this, so dont let me scare you.(check my signature ) Feel free to pm!
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 No one is going to change Rosies mind because he is a typical charmimg married man. He convinces her with charm how great it is going to be. Rosie you said you talk things out. Do you? Or do you give your opinion and then he smoothly convinces you why you are wrong and everything will just be perfect in his fairy tale world? This man can not be alone. His ego can not handle. He needs you by his side with his kids. How healthy is that? He needs you doesn't he Rosie? Love is not need. He does need me. When she threw him out he was texting me, begging me to meet him, telling me I was his life boat and that he needed me. He needs me for support, but isn't that part of love? Supporting the one you love? It's hard to say about when we talk things out. He is very sure of himself but also vulnerable. I don't know how to explain it.
PhoenixRise Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I just don't think he was thinking it through. He was shopping with his son, we were texting, he was close by and just said 'stop in' and took it from there. I'm not sure about therapy. I honestly think he's very impulsive at times and doesn't think things through before acting. Rosie Doesn't it bother you that once again his impulse was to put this poor child in a horrible position? Because of what this man did, this child had to make a decision (which should have been unnecessary) about where his loyalties lie. He had to decide if he should keep his dad's secret about the ambush with the new girlfriend. And make no mistake about it, from his perspective- under the circumstances it WAS an ambush. OR if he should tell his mother the truth and possibly cause her to be upset or hurt. He is their father. It is his job to think things through regarding the children. He is a horrible, horrible father Rosie. I get it that you don't want to think so but his actions are causing these kids a lot of harm. 5
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Rosie, Try this, Dangerous Mind Games: How Psychopaths Manipulate and Deceive « Psychopathyawareness's Blog This is a blog about men out there like your MM! She's easy to understand and uses plenty of real life examples. The other articles are listed down the right side as well as the archives. Be sure and read the comments as well. 4
Capris Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Just a question. Im trying to reply to your pm, if i have succeded, im sorry for the spam. If not, please let me know!
Furious Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Rosie You've been given excellent advice and feed back regarding the children and what kind of man you're dealing with. It seems you only get defensive and refuse to acknowledge the facts. What is that you need, why are you here, do you just want to vent...if so that's ok...but if you really want to wrap your head around all the problems you're facing you really should think hard about the reality of those kids and see things from their persoective. It's way too soon for you to be a part of their lives and they need time to heal from the breakup of their parents. 1
Author rosieisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Just a question. Im trying to reply to your pm, if i have succeded, im sorry for the spam. If not, please let me know! You succeeded. 1
Capris Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hey guys, its normal for rosie to be defensive, she's in love. We've all been there, cut her some slack
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