I couldn't do it

[rosieisblue]

I just couldn't do it. Some of you were right. I wasn't ready. I was thinking I could do it but once I saw him I couldn't. We're trying to find a way to meet the kids because we realize if the kids don't accept me it won't work.

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I know you said to leave the kids out of it but how can we keep going this way? I love him and he loves me. The wife is staying out of things for the most part. The kids are saying they won't meet me.

 

I am in hell.

 

I'm sorry I am not strong enough but I want this man.

[PhoenixRise]

Rosie

 

 

Just accept for now that the kids do not accept you.

 

Leave them alone.

 

Don't try to force a meeting. It will only make them resent you more.

 

Just accept that for now when he spends time with them he will be away from you and you won't have as much contact during that time. Why is that so hard? No matter who his girlfriend is he SHOULD be spending one on one time alone with the kids without the input or influence of any girlfriend.....for awhile at least, while the kids are adjusting to the reality of the divorce.

 

Why must you be a part of the kids lives right now? Why?

 

Why must you and he be in constant communication with each other during his time with the kids?

 

Just leave the kids alone. Seriously. Because everything you and he does in the name of your love, your relationship, your need to be together every minute, your need to communicate all the time, is harming those children.

[Radagast]

I just couldn't do it. Some of you were right. I wasn't ready. I was thinking I could do it but once I saw him I couldn't. We're trying to find a way to meet the kids because we realize if the kids don't accept me it won't work.

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I know you said to leave the kids out of it but how can we keep going this way? I love him and he loves me. The wife is staying out of things for the most part. The kids are saying they won't meet me.

 

I am in hell

 

I'm sorry I am not strong enough but I want this man.

 

Rosie, what is the status of your relationship? Are you dating? Engaged? Married? It makes a difference. If you are simply dating, there is no need for them to meet you or you to meet them. Many parents date after divorce and never introduce their kids to their dates. There is no need for a date to meet a child or form a relationship with them when they may not be around in the parent's life for much longer.

 

If you are engaged, or living together, or life partners in a serious long term way, or even married, then it is a different story. Then you are his partner, as valid as his wife was, and his children need to accept that. He is the parent here, not them. If you are his partner, he needs to set ground rules. If they come to your (shared) home, the kids need to treat you with respect and to behave by the rules you as a couple set for your home. And if they refuse to do that, he needs to thrash the issue out with them in family counselling.

 

If you are not yet at that point in your relationship however, then saying "it won't work if the kids don't accept me" is premature. You are in a relationship with him. Presumably he has custody some of the time and his ex-wife the balance. So when the kids are with her, you have free time to date. If the kids are with him, you don't need to be there unless you are living together.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie, what is the status of your relationship? Are you dating? Engaged? Married? It makes a difference. If you are simply dating, there is no need for them to meet you or you to meet them. Many parents date after divorce and never introduce their kids to their dates. There is no need for a date to meet a child or form a relationship with them when they may not be around in the parent's life for much longer.

 

If you are engaged, or living together, or life partners in a serious long term way, or even married, then it is a different story. Then you are his partner, as valid as his wife was, and his children need to accept that. He is the parent here, not them. If you are his partner, he needs to set ground rules. If they come to your (shared) home, the kids need to treat you with respect and to behave by the rules you as a couple set for your home. And if they refuse to do that, he needs to thrash the issue out with them in family counselling.

 

If you are not yet at that point in your relationship however, then saying "it won't work if the kids don't accept me" is premature. You are in a relationship with him. Presumably he has custody some of the time and his ex-wife the balance. So when the kids are with her, you have free time to date. If the kids are with him, you don't need to be there unless you are living together.

 

We aren't living together but we're in a serious, committed relationship and are planning a future together. We've been serious since shortly after we met and were making future plans since then. But we realize it can't move forward without the kids being onboard. That's what's making it so difficult, they are really not on board at all. They do not want anything to do with me, yet me wants me to meet them and to see how it works.

 

I wish I could be stronger but I am just not ready.

[whichwayisup]

I just couldn't do it. Some of you were right. I wasn't ready. I was thinking I could do it but once I saw him I couldn't. We're trying to find a way to meet the kids because we realize if the kids don't accept me it won't work.

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I know you said to leave the kids out of it but how can we keep going this way? I love him and he loves me. The wife is staying out of things for the most part. The kids are saying they won't meet me.

 

I am in hell.

 

I'm sorry I am not strong enough but I want this man.

 

There's NO rush to get involved with his kids. Why can't you understand this? Put yourself in THEIR shoes for a bit, instead of just thinking of what you want.

 

Eventually they will come around but it HAS to be on their terms, not yours or their dad's. Right now they are upset that their folks are splitting up.

If you were a kid and your parents were going through this, don't you think the LAST thing on your mind would be to meet and have to accept your mom's new boyfriend or your dad's new girlfriend SO soon after the D? Or even before the D happened?

[whichwayisup]

We aren't living together but we're in a serious, committed relationship and are planning a future together. We've been serious since shortly after we met and were making future plans since then. But we realize it can't move forward without the kids being onboard. That's what's making it so difficult, they are really not on board at all. They do not want anything to do with me, yet me wants me to meet them and to see how it works.

 

I wish I could be stronger but I am just not ready.

 

But to those kids you are new and don't exist in their lives.

 

You won't have his kids on board because of the circumstances, how they found out. You have to give them time to adjust.

 

He is being selfish and cruel by forcing them into meeting you and being around you when they aren't ready.

[rosieisblue]

There's NO rush to get involved with his kids. Why can't you understand this? Put yourself in THEIR shoes for a bit, instead of just thinking of what you want.

 

Eventually they will come around but it HAS to be on their terms, not yours or their dad's. Right now they are upset that their folks are splitting up.

If you were a kid and your parents were going through this, don't you think the LAST thing on your mind would be to meet and have to accept your mom's new boyfriend or your dad's new girlfriend SO soon after the D? Or even before the D happened?

 

He wants to do it and I don't know how to handle that. It's his kids and he's the father, the one making the decisions concerning them. I just don't know how to handle this.

[whichwayisup]

He wants to do it and I don't know how to handle that. It's his kids and he's the father, the one making the decisions concerning them. I just don't know how to handle this.

 

Uhh hello, you get a say. Stand up and tell him, "I'm not ready to be involved with your kids so soon and we BOTH know they aren't..So, let's back off and leave them be. In a year, when things are more settled, then we'll discuss this again."

 

He isn't putting his kids first and what is best for them. He needs to stop being so selfish. If he pushes, those kids will not only not want to be around you, they'll also not want to be around him..Ever.

 

This guy needs some serious counselling.

[woinlove]

I agree with wwiu. This man needs counselling and has been treating his children horribly. It is bad enough he lied to them, but to trick them into meeting you, put them on the phone with you, is inexcusable. And he should have found a way to honor his promised vacation for them, cutting back on other things. If he isn't careful, his children are going to end up hating him too. I hope he gets counselling and learns to be a responsible parent. Tell him he should not force his children into this situation, that he has already messed up, and he needs help.

[Radagast]

We aren't living together but we're in a serious, committed relationship and are planning a future together. We've been serious since shortly after we met and were making future plans since then. But we realize it can't move forward without the kids being onboard. That's what's making it so difficult, they are really not on board at all. They do not want anything to do with me, yet me wants me to meet them and to see how it works.

 

I wish I could be stronger but I am just not ready.

 

Rosie, I left my ex-wife to marry my former affair partner. My children were young teens at the start of the affair, older teens when I left their mother so perhaps my advice is less relevant to your situation as his children are younger but from my experience, I would suggest the following.

 

Right now you are living separately, he is living separately from them and their mother, and has his own place, is that right? It is important for him to establish a life "of his own", separate from that he shared with their mother, in his kids' eyes. If they see him leaving her, and only with you after that, it is very easy for them to see you as the obstacle to their parents still being together. His choice in the matter will get overlooked. But if they see him setting up home without her, having his own space, his own life, and being happy without her, it will be less about you vs her (in their minds) and more about his marriage with her not having worked out. When I left my ex-wife I lived alone with my kids for half a year before my now-wife joined us. That worked very well for us all. It gave me a chance to forge a new, different relationship with my kids that was not mediated by their mother. It gave us a chance to work through a lot of issues surrounding the break-up outside of the more formalised atmosphere of counselling. We got to know each other in a different way and at the same time they got to see how much I loved my now-wife, from the way I spoke about her, the way others in my family spoke about her and the peripheral contact they had with her during this time.

 

My kids knew about the affair. They knew about my now-wife, and had had email and text communication with her, but they only met her face to face later. They knew at that point that we planned to marry, that she was my chosen partner and that I loved her very much. They got on well with her but even if they had not they knew that I would not tolerate bad behaviour or lack of respect where she was concerned. In the same way that I did not allow them to speak badly to, or of, their mother outside of counselling, that was a boundary they were not allowed to cross. And they did not.

 

In your boyfriend's place, I would set up my home and spend time with my kids there, speaking to them about the break up if they wanted to or needed to outside of counselling (which I also recommend, if he's not already taking them) and let them know that he plans a future with you. At the point at which you plan to move in together, I would tell them that, and that you will be his partner, and that as his partner they will not owe you love of affection against their will but that they will treat you with respect in his (their / your) home and that they will need to accept that his life from now will involve you. And that that does not threaten or change their relationship with their mother, who remains their mother, but that he hopes that in time they will learn to love you and respect you as much as he does.

 

When they are older and leave home, they will have the choice as to whether or not they continue to have any relationship with you, assuming you are still together with their father. But if you are his partner and are living together with him, they will need to accept you as such at that time.

 

But before then, no, I would not push that. If he is strongly of the view that things with you will only work if the children accept you, then he needs to maximise the chance of that happening, not undermine it by pushing things prematurely. It can work, if he times things appropriately.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

Rosie,

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't his son threaten to kill your kids and call you a bad name? If you are not the one then please accept my apologies and ignore my comments below:

 

You really should be running, yes running in the opposite direction. His kid is disturbed and he has serious parenting issues if he can't control his kids. Aren't you worried about YOUR kids? These types of threats should not be taken lightly. If he has done some of the things you say he has done, I would not underestimate he capability of doing whatever is necessary to keep YOU out of the picture. His parents have already instilled in him that there are no consequences for his actions.

 

If you are still determined to stay then you need to accept EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING he brings to the table and that includes his kids, and his kids disdain for you. They may OR may not get over this, you have to accept this. If your MM really loved you he wouldn't put this type of requirement on the relationship.

Edited July 16, 2012 by EmptyHeartGirl

[Summer Breeze]

Alice has made a lot of sense in her post. Don't let his need to be right destroy the possibility of a future together if that's what you want. It's about him and you need to get that back. It needs to be about the kids first and you second. By controlling yourself you can help make sure the kids aren't pushed into something they can't possibly be ready for. If you don't meet them then that is that. If he tricks you then you apologize honestly to the kids and walk away. I'd probably walk away with my packed bags but that's me.

[rosieisblue]

But to those kids you are new and don't exist in their lives.

 

You won't have his kids on board because of the circumstances, how they found out. You have to give them time to adjust.

 

He is being selfish and cruel by forcing them into meeting you and being around you when they aren't ready.

 

So how long do we wait? A year? i know we've been over this on here but it just seems so long. And he is very anxioius to get us together, even for a fun hour or so, so that they can get to know me. I'm going to try to hold off but not sure how long I'll be able to do that.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie - why aren't you getting this? His motives for EVERYTHING are crystal clear. They have NOTHING at all to with you. It's all about saving face.

 

The man is disturbed.

 

He is forcing his children on you because he has to prove to everyone (mainly his wife) that breaking up his family was "worth" it.

 

In his mind, the children MUST (at all costs) accept your relationship. If they don't, he will be seen as a failure. His wife will "win." Everyone will think he's a fool.

 

It's all about him.

 

What does he have to prove to his wife about him and me? She is moving on and doesn't seem to care, other than the kids. And there's nothing to prove. We're together, she's moving on. I just can't see how we can get past this thing with teh kids. It feels like it's always going to be something we're fighting against.

[Summer Breeze]

So how long do we wait? A year? i know we've been over this on here but it just seems so long. And he is very anxioius to get us together, even for a fun hour or so, so that they can get to know me. I'm going to try to hold off but not sure how long I'll be able to do that.

 

Ok. I'm going to resort to all capitals. Not to be aggressive but maybe so you might see it in a different way.

 

IT WILL NOT BE FUN.

 

IT WILL NOT BE FUN FOR THE KIDS.

 

IT WILL NOT BE FUN FOR YOU.

 

There. Had to get it out. One of you needs to realize these kids are not ready for this and no matter how desperately you want it---they don't.

 

How long will it take? How long is a piece of rope? It's as long as you need it to be.

 

You need to take control of this before more damage happens and you end up losing what you want most.

 

A FUN HOUR WILL BE ANYTHING BUT FUN. BOTH YOU AND THE KIDS WILL WALK AWAY FROM IT HURT AND ANGRY.

 

Please listen to what everyone is telling you. Not for your sake but for the kids.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie,

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't his son threaten to kill your kids and call you a bad name? If you are not the one then please accept my apologies and ignore my comments below:

 

You really should be running, yes running in the opposite direction. His kid is disturbed and he has serious parenting issues if he can't control his kids. Aren't you worried about YOUR kids? These types of threats should not be taken lightly. If he has done some of the things you say he has done, I would not underestimate he capability of doing whatever is necessary to keep YOU out of the picture. His parents have already instilled in him that there are no consequences for his actions.

 

If you are still determined to stay then you need to accept EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING he brings to the table and that includes his kids, and his kids disdain for you. They may OR may not get over this, you have to accept this. If your MM really loved you he wouldn't put this type of requirement on the relationship.

 

I don't have any kids but he did call me some pretty bad names for awhile in messages. This was when the kids were still hoping they would get back together and saw me as the one who broke it up and were really angry and resentful. I think they thought that if I was out of the picture then their parents could work things out.

 

I accept that the kids will take a long time to accept me but am hoping it's not forever, as it would make everything so much more complicated. But I understand why it would be difficult for us to make it work if the kids hate me. I feel the same way, sort of. How can we make it work, live together, build a life in the future if they hate me. It would be horrible and put so much strain (more than now) on our relationship. It's already so difficult and it's a big issue.

[Summer Breeze]

What does he have to prove to his wife about him and me? She is moving on and doesn't seem to care, other than the kids. And there's nothing to prove. We're together, she's moving on. I just can't see how we can get past this thing with teh kids. It feels like it's always going to be something we're fighting against.

 

 

He has nothing to prove to her as far as she is concerned but in his mind he needs to justify what he's done as being worth it. In his mind he can't afford to fail. She doesn't care because he's failed enough in regards to her but he has a king size ego he needs to care for.

 

Stop fighting against it Rosie. Stop fighting it. Listen to what people are saying and what the kids want. Temper it with your own common sense. I'm sorry but you're on here going over the top and the only reason is because of him. You know everyone posting here is making sense and you still don't want to listen. He's pressuring you like nobodys business.

 

Good luck. You're not even pretending to listen or reasonably discuss what people are saying. If you keep this up you're dooming your R with him. I sure hope I'm wrong but don't think I am.

[rosieisblue]

From a man's perspective I disagree with all but the disturbed part. He's just spent holiday with his kids who hate rosie. Just as rosie is looking for a way out and can't, married dude is too and is using the kids for that. He avoids a messy break-up courtesy of the kiddos. He escapes while looking good to wife and looking good to OW. Win-win.

 

Do you really think that? I have wondered about that. Maybe we both get to say 'well, the kids wouldn't accept the relationship so we had to end it' and can still be friends. I really wonder about this.

[rosieisblue]

Alice has made a lot of sense in her post. Don't let his need to be right destroy the possibility of a future together if that's what you want. It's about him and you need to get that back. It needs to be about the kids first and you second. By controlling yourself you can help make sure the kids aren't pushed into something they can't possibly be ready for. If you don't meet them then that is that. If he tricks you then you apologize honestly to the kids and walk away. I'd probably walk away with my packed bags but that's me.

 

Can I ask why? Would you really walk away from this?

[rosieisblue]

Ok. I'm going to resort to all capitals. Not to be aggressive but maybe so you might see it in a different way.

 

IT WILL NOT BE FUN.

 

IT WILL NOT BE FUN FOR THE KIDS.

 

IT WILL NOT BE FUN FOR YOU.

 

There. Had to get it out. One of you needs to realize these kids are not ready for this and no matter how desperately you want it---they don't.

 

How long will it take? How long is a piece of rope? It's as long as you need it to be.

 

You need to take control of this before more damage happens and you end up losing what you want most.

 

A FUN HOUR WILL BE ANYTHING BUT FUN. BOTH YOU AND THE KIDS WILL WALK AWAY FROM IT HURT AND ANGRY.

 

Please listen to what everyone is telling you. Not for your sake but for the kids.

 

It will be awkward and uncomfortable, I know, but he keeps saying it will work out eventually, they just need to get used to me. I just don't know. I've neer been in a situation like this and don't know how to handle this or him and what he wants, what I want, what the kids want. They want their family back together but it's not going to happen so don't know how to deal with that.

[rosieisblue]

He has nothing to prove to her as far as she is concerned but in his mind he needs to justify what he's done as being worth it. In his mind he can't afford to fail. She doesn't care because he's failed enough in regards to her but he has a king size ego he needs to care for.

 

Stop fighting against it Rosie. Stop fighting it. Listen to what people are saying and what the kids want. Temper it with your own common sense. I'm sorry but you're on here going over the top and the only reason is because of him. You know everyone posting here is making sense and you still don't want to listen. He's pressuring you like nobodys business.

 

Good luck. You're not even pretending to listen or reasonably discuss what people are saying. If you keep this up you're dooming your R with him. I sure hope I'm wrong but don't think I am.

 

I am listening, I'm just so all over the place emotionally. My heart says one thing, my head another. I just want to make it work somehow but can't see how it's going to happen with the kids bieng the way they are.

[PhoenixRise]

So how long do we wait? A year? i know we've been over this on here but it just seems so long. And he is very anxioius to get us together, even for a fun hour or so, so that they can get to know me. I'm going to try to hold off but not sure how long I'll be able to do that.

 

Rosie

 

Do YOU have any say at all in the direction of your relationship with this MM?

 

Is it even possible in your mind for YOU to decide that you WILL NOT BE MEETING THE KIDS and for that decision to be respected by your bf?

 

Who gives a flying flip what he is so anxious to do?

 

What do YOU think Rosie?

 

Do you really think if he forces a meeting with the kids for an hour or so that it will result in the kids accepting you more?

 

Is there any part of you that thinks a forced meeting would be anything other than a disaster?

 

Not asking about what he is anxious for or what he thinks.... what do you realistically think about his idea of forcing a meeting?

[Summer Breeze]

Can I ask why? Would you really walk away from this?

 

This just shows you're not reading what's being written.

 

If I made a mature decision about meeting the kids that put them first, and he then tricked me into meeting them. Yes. I would walk away from him and I would NEVER look back.

[whichwayisup]

So how long do we wait? A year? i know we've been over this on here but it just seems so long. And he is very anxioius to get us together, even for a fun hour or so, so that they can get to know me. I'm going to try to hold off but not sure how long I'll be able to do that.

Is their divorce even final yet?

 

Yes, you wait a year. Holy cow, that isn't going to kill you or him to wait that long. You two can bond and make your relationship stronger, focus on that instead of rushing and pushing his kids to meet and accept you.

 

TRUST ME, if you push yourself or he pushes you into his kids lives this soon, they will NEVER accept you and your relationship is doomed to fail - OR his relationship with his kids will fail.

 

And also, why you are so afraid to stand up to him and tell him that YOU are not ready to meet his kids? That THEY are not ready to meet you? Are you scared he's going to end things because you won't get involved with his kids so quickly?

 

Sorry, but if you can't speak your mind to him and are afraid of communicating with him, then you two will have more problems than just the kids not liking you..

[whichwayisup]

It will be awkward and uncomfortable, I know, but he keeps saying it will work out eventually, they just need to get used to me. I just don't know. I've neer been in a situation like this and don't know how to handle this or him and what he wants, what I want, what the kids want. They want their family back together but it's not going to happen so don't know how to deal with that.

 

THE ONLY WAY they will even bother getting to know you at some point in the future is if you leave them alone now. Allow them to adjust to their parents divorce, allow them to re-bond with their dad one on one ..

 

I really don't get why waiting a year is such an issue.