jimjameson Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Well, here's the story: I had known My ex GF for a couple of years before we finally had a chance to be together. She had pursued me for much of that time, but I had a girlfriend at first, and by the time that Gf and I had broken up, she had moved 3 hours away. She was born and raised in the town i live in, so she visited often, and during one visit, we spent the night together. She went back home, and I didn't see her for awhile, and wound up with another GF. She continued to pursue when she was around, but I had to turn her down because I will not cheat. But I wanted to be with her. Finally free again, she came to town and spent a few days with me. I fell totally in love with her. She is like no one I have ever known, and I feel like she is the most perfect woman on earth for me. Things went very fast, and within a few weeks we were both convinced that this was it. we wanted to get married. She had been separated from her husband for years, but had never finalized her divorce. That relationship was horrible for her. He was extremely manipulative, Jealous and needy to the point of insanity. She loved him and tried to be what he wanted, but it was too toxic, and she left him. He was abusive and hugely disrupted her life after the breakup. That marriage left some very deep fears and scars on her. since then, she has been in several relationships before me, usually with men she is not serious about, or that are unavailable in one way or another. And she always dumped them when it started to get too close. I thought I was different. She had been pursuing me for a long time, and our connection was undeniable once we were able to be together. we share many friends, and I have met her entire family, and many have told me that even though she did what she always does, they believe I was different for her too. She was very open with me about her past relationships, and why she always does what she does. I was convinced that she wanted to break the cycle with me, and I fearlessly gave my heart to her. We made plans for me to move to where she lives in about a year, because we both had big work projects looming where we were, and to spend as much time as we could in the meantime. With extremely busy work schedules about to start, we only had a couple of weeks when we could get in some real time before it would be pretty rare to be able to get away and see each other. I began to feel alot of stress when we couldnt make our current schedules match for a visit before our free window closed, and I talked about it too much, and in hindsight, I came off as insecure and needy and a little down. absolutely the last thing in the world I should have done with this particular woman. She dumped me. She said she just couldn't do it. She was too busy, and she thought she was more in love with the Idea than the reality, and that she was a mess. She said she still loved me and cared for me and that she always would, but that she couldn't go back. I am still devastated 2 and 1/2 months later. I can't seem to give it up. I feel like the whole situation played into her fears as if it was scripted, and I think subconciously, she kind of set it all up to fail. I was somewhat unavailabe at least geographically, and she actually seemed to like that. the thing is that I don't think I have ever really loved anyone before. I think all my past relationships were good enough, but not true love. I have never even wanted to know any of my ex's. I just walked away from every one of them. But I can't do that this time. I know that I made a horrible mistake in my behaviour in the last couple of weeks that we were together, but I also know her very well, and I know that she panicked and split, just like she always does. The old fears got the best of her, and she wouldn't even talk about it. I actually care more for her happiness than I do for my own, and I feel like I am the one who is supposed to finally crack her. I am willing to suffer for it. But it really feels hopeless. I wrote her a letter telling her that I love her no matter what, and that I cant change the way I feel, but that i respect her decision, and I have accepted it. I let her know that my love is totally unconditional, and I didnt need her to love me back. I want it, but I want her to be happy above all. She saw that as me waiting for her to come back, and told me that I couldnt do that. I am not waiting, but I will always want her, and if I am available, and she changes her mind, I will absolutely start again with her, but obviously much more slowly. I have been on some dates, just fun, though. nothing with any potential. Im not ready for anything like that right now anyway. So now she is coming to town next week. she will be at a BBQ I was invited to, and had planned to attend. I don't think I will go now, because it would be a bit much to see her for the first time at a gathering with all our mutual friends watching. I think it would be uncomfortable for her. I am feeling better every day, and working on myself, getting healthier, losing weight. I quit smoking. I feel good about myself, and despite the fact that I am nervous about seeing her again, I think I will be fine. I wont bring up the relationship, or the break up, and I am good with giving her the space she needs. She has to give back the ring I gave her, because it is a family heirloom, so I am sure she will contact me, and I will see her when she is in town. I want to let her know that I am okay, because I think she is making too much of my behavior near the end, and the letter I wrote. we have been in contact a little, by text, but just "how are you?' that sort of thing. I truly feel like we were meant for each other, and I am willing to work at baby steps for a long time if I have to, to keep her form spending the rest of her life in fear of getting close to anyone. I want her back more than anything, but not if she doesn't get there herself. Does anyone have any advice for me when I see her? I feel like I should keep it brief and upbeat and cordial, and just let her come to me again if she ever wants to. But it's hard to let it go, even though I know I have to. Thanks.
ManAshley Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Man, I found your thread because I am in almost the exact same situation. Although my ex and I broke on VERY bad terms when we both slept with other people to get back at each other. I broke it off with mine and she started dating hers. I did the goodbye letter thing like you did and haven't heard anything in a month. We have to take a professional licensing test together next week and it will be the first time I see her in probably 2 months. I'm sick to my stomach because just like you i would take this girl back in a heartbeat even though we had a messed up relationship. What I've figured out so far is I'm just going to keep my head down and grind out this test. pretend like she doesn't exist. I honestly don't know what else to do but she hasn't made any effort to contact me in 2 months. Hell, I'm pretty sure she was over it before we broke up in May. Your situation seems a little better. It seems like ya'll can stand to be around each other without wanting to strangle each other (i'm assuming, correct me if im wrong) It sounds like the best you can do is fake it till you make it. Go to the BBQ, be awesome. even if you feel like dying. My rule is I never leave my house without looking my best. Look awesome. Who knows?? worked for me MANY a time.
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