my heart is shattering

[ana0pera]

Quick background: met this guy 15 months ago online, instantly clicked, met within a year, and have been dating ever since. I'm 23 (and American), he's 28 (and Swedish). We've talked about the future in practical terms and decided that if we're still together after I am done with my studies (~3 years) we will move to the same place together--we both have some flexibility in our respective careers.

 

The Problem: I am crazy about this guy but I worry that he is stringing me along sometimes, so I need a second opinion as to whether my suspicions might be true, because I am really bad at decoding men.

 

I've expressed my concern about this in the past to him (more specifically, I asked if he was still interested in being with me) and each time he's been a bit offended, and proceeded to tell me that he does care about me, that he's been busy with _______ and that is why he hasn't been good at showing how much he cares, he'll do better, etc. So it is a delicate subject to bring up. Especially now because of a family emergency. I know that I obviously cannot be his top priority given the family situation. That said, I feel like he's walking over me now and I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

We used to talk on Skype 2-3 times a week and text message daily (not extensive back-and-forth, just your good mornings, good nights, etc). Now we talk on Skype once a week and text 2-3 times a week. I would love to talk more like we used to but right now it might not be practical given our other commitments.

 

So I really value the time we have on Skype because it's basically just a few hours every Sunday. You can imagine how I felt today when after talking for an hour he tells me that he just finished downloading a tv show he loves and wants to watch it, so we can talk after the show is over. I say Ok because I am trying to be less "clingy" towards him but then once the show goes off, he tells me that he's going to go to bed soon. For reference, it was about 10:30 his time, he had a very low-key weekend, and he usually goes to bed at midnight or 11:30 at the earliest. But he assures me that he has time to talk during the week because he wont be so busy with work. The fact that I have to be in the lab during the week working obviously doesn't matter. Well I was really mad at this point so I basically said have a good week and goodnight, then signed off without any of the usual affections we give one another. I am so hurt by the fact that he'd rather watch TV than talk to me. I could understand if we talked everyday for hours but we don't. A show he downloaded off the internet is more interesting than his long distance girl. That just hurts

 

He's super excited about coming to visit me in September but has been very cryptic about when exactly he wants to come. We used to talk about/do intimate things and we haven't done that in months. We rarely have deep conversations these days, so much time is spent updating the other about what's been going on in the last week. I feel like he does open up to me more, like with the whole family situation he has been very upfront, but at the same time he is more distant. I am initiating 80% - 85% of all contact, but he ends 99% of our conversations. am i overreacting? is this him getting comfortable? losing interest? being a player? what should i do?

 

i want to believe in him, and in us, but lately it seems like there is nothing between us anymore

[bubblecharm]

I understand how you are feeling right now. I experinced it. I was in long distance relationship with my cousin. Same things happened to me. Well expect mine had a drastic end. I was impatient and got too much irritated, i ended up calling him and yelling at him. Temporary break-up. But then I never knew it was NOT temporary break up. He never talked to me later. When i tried, he responded telling me to forget him. I dont know if mine was because of me yelling at him, but that did a major damage to our relationship. So, please be patient. I cant assure you that he's genuine but i can only tell you one thing. Dont hurry and slip your tongue in process. You might land up broken like me. Hope that helps.

[ana0pera]

Hi bubblecharm, thank you for your advice and I am sorry that you've gone through a similar situation . I am trying to be patient because I can get pretty emotional and I don't want to yell at him or overreact. I don't know if how I feel is an overreaction or not though and that's the problem.

 

This is my first serious relationship so I have little to compare it to. I know that we have to move slower as a couple than people who are in the same place, and I am fine with that, and I have many other distractions in my life to keep me busy. but given that we both want to make this work (or so he says), i would expect that any time we get to talk to each other is valuable. It isn't like we talk 3-4 hours a day and I don't expect that we talk that much a day.

 

But he would rather watch tv (and a program he can watch on demand at anytime, to top it off) than talk to me for even two hours a week? I just feel worthless then

[HuberT1]

Heh, he sounds kind of like me. I don't want to speak on his behalf because I don't know how he feels, and I would hate to give you false hope or anything like that, but I can say from own experience that I don't think you should be too alarmed.

 

Guys are just wired a bit differently and we/I aren't as big on the emotion and deep conversation thing. I remember hearing that for women socialising and talking and "connecting" with other people/their significant other is often what makes them feel good, whereas for men relaxing or "turning off" or just in general appearing really distant is what makes them feel better. Again, I can only site my own experience and feelings here but it wouldn't be unusual for me to want to watch a TV show instead of talking with my girlfriend, despite being absolutely in love with her and wanting her and highly valueing her. Often for me it's more a sign of comfort, that I assume the other person knows how I feel, that I assume they'll always be there cause that's what I want, and so in the mean time I don't need to express my feelings or emotions or anything I can just watch the game and then go to bed.

 

It's possible that he doesn't really understand how you feel or know that he's now being judged on his level of interaction with you and instead is just going on about his business assuming everything is fine. Or, with the family emergency currently going on he could just really need some down time to relax and feel better and the last thing he wants is to feel like talking with his partner is a chore, or another daily activity that he "has" to do in order to not make you worry.

 

I may be a little on the cold side when it comes to emotion though, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

[Dblock10]

i would say don't be too alarmed. the problem is, how realistic or exciting can it be to constantly Skype someone? there comes a point where its like, so.. what have you been up to, same old, yeah me to.

 

you in a way have washed the excitement out of it. the not knowing part.

 

and tbh you have a 3 year course starting up. its highly likely you will meet someone else within this time.

 

to me it just appears you are too available and its put him off a little. not in the sense that he thinks your coming on to strong or that he doesn't like you but in the sense that its got a bit boring for him!

 

question how did you meet? dating website?

[girldies]

Ana, hi!

 

I'm an American involved with a Swedish man, also. I struggle with the same issues, but I find it is mostly a cultural thing. I'm not entirely sure how TV works over in Sweden, but I'm fairly certain most shows are not available unless they download to view them. My hunny does this all the time and you've given me something to ask him about, for sure.

 

I find that while my Swede has moments of absolute tenderness and affection, he is mostly very reserved and controlled when it comes to expressing feelings. His initial draw to me was my openess and fearlessness when expressing mine or opinions in general. In Sweden they have something called "Lagom". Do you know of it? In Sweden, gender equality and equality in general is an absolute. Lagom är bäst...just enough is best. Most likely he is confidant that feelings have been expressed and that's that. As the gentleman above stated...that is typical of a man's mentality, but somehow it's much more frustrating with a Swede! Because one moment they are poetic and the next he's off busy with life. I recently had myself all worked up over the same thing. Just tell him how you're feeling is the best way to go. I find that my Swede is almost always clueless and apologetic when I bring something similar up. Just as you are trying to figure him out...he's almost certainly doing the same!

 

And keeping Skype interesting is a challenge. I have started to teach myself the swedish language. And this always gives a fall back conversation at least! It's lots of laughs and I'm sure your guy would get a kick out of helping you out also.

 

I'm by no means an expert or anything, but I felt compelled to reach out because you were almost describing my swedey! Good luck!

[ana0pera]

Thank you everyone for your input, I really value it I am starting to realize that this is all likely due to misunderstandings and cultural differences, so we will talk about it (i am thinking about bringing it up in a joking matter so he knows how i felt but that i am not crying myself to sleep over it...anymore at least ). don't think i will ever really understand it, but whatever, it's probably some secret only men know

 

HuberT1, after thinking about it a bit more I think you're right and my guy is a lot like you/guys more stereotypically. I am pretty antisocial for a girl, but when i get stressed I like to rant--he on the other hand keeps his problems to himself unless i prod them out of him. I do feel like there is a deeper problem though with regards to expectations so I will bring that up next time we talk, in a non-confrontational way.

 

Dblock10, I think there is still a lot of mystery left, we still have stimulating conversations, just not as many and not as frequently. We met on a dating website, he pursued me. While I initiate most current contact, he was the one to send the first message on the dating site; send me the first email off the dating site; initiate our first skype "date," and he also gave me his phone number in case i wanted to call or sms him. Once we were regularly using these things equally, he stopped almost cold turkey with the initiation. He responds in a timely fashion more or less, if I tell him something is wrong he's right there for me. But overall he is complacent and I guess I shouldn't be worried? It's just hard not to worry especially because he isn't here with me so that I can read his body language! and the whole wait three years before moving was his idea and I am fine with it; I am not one to want my cake and eat it too. I worry more about him losing interest but those trust issues are something that I need to work on. I actually like and respect the practicality of this plan: I am in academia so after I get my degree I can basically be sent anywhere in the world where there is a job, and by waiting until I am more "grounded" it will put less stress on our relationship when we do end the distance. Of course, this is all a plan and we might decide later that we need more or less time. Right now, we are both willing to wait and comfortable with waiting.

 

girldies, glad to meet another american girl in an LDR with a swede!! They are beautiful, fascinating, if not terribly confusing men I am somewhat of a serial dater of nordic men, my ex was also swedish but he had been living in America for years when we met, so he didn't have some of the cultural differences you and I are experiencing with our current guys. But you are dead on with regards to how they express their emotions! My guy really opened up to me when we met in person and it was very touching, and he has been open about other personal things that I didn't expect him to want to talk about given the culture. I read the post you made regarding your guy, and I swear, they sound identical. there is a swedish male cycle, i think: (1)they expend so much energy in the beginning, (2) then they sort of disappear when you're into them, and (3) when you call them out on it they are very apologetic and promise to change. I just hope your guy doesn't go through parts 2 - 3 multiple times like mine does, because it will drive you crazy! oh swedes...

 

I really like your idea about learning swedish via skype, that would be a lot of fun and keep things interesting! Would also let me impress his family and friends He's taught me a few cute words but I don't know any sentences that a child couldn't say or that aren't too lovey dovey, so I will try that. Thanks for the support, and good luck with your Swede!!

[bubblecharm]

Yeah i get your turmoil. My ex was no different from yours. Except he reads comics instead of watching tv. But honestly I felt that i over-reacted in that particular situation. Guys need some space. Esp ppl like him. They cant change their routine and interests suddenly just because a girl came into their life. If thats bothering you too much, just talk to him VERY normally. Dont make a fuss about it. Some things cant be reversed. Like theres nothing I can possibly do now except to cry over spilt milk. I guess you get it. Dont give away your emotions easily in situations like this. These are the times which test your relationship and patience. You need to overcome them. Hope you dont end up like me.

[ana0pera]

urghh, just as HuberT1 expected, the personal problems are taking a toll.

 

I can't say whether it's his family, work, or something else because he doesn't want to talk about it, but something is going on in his life that has put him in a bad mood and not only doesn't he want to talk about it, he doesn't want to talk at all. The only thing I can do to support him it seems is to sit on my hands patiently, but that is SO HARD when I know that he is in pain. He is always so positive and even now he is trying his hardest to be positive but I know that it's just a thin veneer. I feel so selfish worrying about us when so much is going on that I am not privy to. I am really glad that I didn't freak out on him and waited to learn more because it would've just put more stress on him and could've lead to the end of us.

Now I have to be patient and all I can do is pray that he and everyone around him is okay .

They say patience is a virtue, and it is definitely one elusive to me.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Hi,

 

I was in a 4 month long distance relationship. Me in NYC, he in Chile. I can really relate to what you're going through because I went through the same.

 

In the beginning we talked a lot, video chatted, sent pictures and texts, but as time went on I felt like he was either too busy or just plain ignoring me. I'd get angry, sometimes I'd call and yell. This ended up being a problem. He said I fought with him too much and that I was negative because his behavior started to make me question whether or not he really wanted to be with me or was just messing with me.

 

I want to say just hang in there because if I could go back and hang in there, I would. Whatever your relationship with him is now, keep it that way, don't pressure him for more because he'll only resent you for it. Let him chase after you. I did that a couple of times with my ex and he'd always say, "why have you forgotten about me?" but at least he was the one looking for me.

 

LDR's can be frustrating and heartbreaking. But if you really feel this is what you want and you want to be with him, keep your cool, be patient and affectionate. Act like it doesn't bother you. Keep yourself busy with other things. He is part of your life, not your whole life.

[Uhnoneemoose]

I understand how you are feeling right now. I experinced it. I was in long distance relationship with my cousin. Same things happened to me. Well expect mine had a drastic end. I was impatient and got too much irritated, i ended up calling him and yelling at him. Temporary break-up. But then I never knew it was NOT temporary break up. He never talked to me later. When i tried, he responded telling me to forget him. I dont know if mine was because of me yelling at him, but that did a major damage to our relationship. So, please be patient. I cant assure you that he's genuine but i can only tell you one thing. Dont hurry and slip your tongue in process. You might land up broken like me. Hope that helps.

 

What the hell...