klowzure Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) It doesn't matter if you're 20, 40 or 80, you reach a certain point in your life called adulthood and some of us are unlucky enough to have experienced true love by that point... Love is so strange, when you find that girl who absolutely consumes every feeling inside you to the point where you would truly die for her... but you will never experience that feeling for real until she is gone, you don't know what you've got until it's gone... that saying has become so powerful to me I feel like I finally, truly, thoroughly understand something for the first time in my life. I can say this at the age of 20, I've loved and lost the love of my life, I don't care for any 40 year old stranger who's been around twice as long telling me I'm at no age to understand blahblahblahblah, because that's bull****, I'm telling you from first hand experience that I am currently going through losing the love of my life at the age of 20. The thing is, after a 6 year "intimate"-friendship, and a 7 month relationship (which felt like 7 years), it's become clear that I am not the love of her life, I believe that she loves me, but because of how our relationship went bad, she has also lost her love for me, and given up on fighting to make us work, it is over for her, and I believe she is never coming back.. I will spare you the details of the relationship, but I felt close to her, and complete, she completed me, we planned our future together, she swore she loves me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.. I just didn't realise how much I really did love her until I neglected the relationship to the point where I had let too much water pass under the bridge which convinced her that we wasn't going to work, I had trust issues and anger issues.. all she wanted was peace and happiness. So that's the bottom line, in a way I'm glad I've managed to get it out of the way so early in my life, falling in true love... losing her to absolute pathetic, foolish, preventable mistakes... It certainly doesn't feel like I'll love again... I know I will because that's something you 40 year olds CAN tell me from experience, (what you can't tell me is that I am too young to be experiencing this, which is bull**** because.. I am experiencing this, in the present, right now, so you can't tell me otherwise)... So I know that one day I might find love again, but for now I'm heartbroken and emotionally destroyed in that department, I am strong in everyway but SHE makes me weak... I hate myself for that. I am going to need DRASTIC change if I'm going to get through this. I had an ambition when I was 16, since I first discovered the possibility, I currently have a relative fulfilling the same ambition right now, I have studied it from all possible angles available to the public world, and I'm currently preparing for it... It's called: Légion étrangère - The French Foreign Legion. I want to know if me for personally, there is anything in the world harder than losing her... in my 20 years of life, growing up in working class England, I have broken bones, had more fights than wladimir klitschko, I have lost friends and family, trouble with the law (mostly fighting), I was misguided as a child ruining my education and opportunities to make a good life, so far I have amounted to nothing... I always had meals on the table and good clothes on my back, my parents did their very best, but I was a lost caused.. a problem child some might say and I ruined my own path to possible success. But none of it compares to that hardship of losing my girl.. this is the hardest thing I've known, I had found a new purpose and will to be happy in life.. with her. Now I have to find a new purpose and will to be happy, and that's not going to be anything even similar to what I had planned with her, I have ZERO motivation to return to being a normal 20 year old.. partying, friends, having fun, meet a new girl and mimmic the life I could have lived with the only girl I truly love? No.. no motivation for any of that.. I need to get away from this life, away from England, I need a career, I need adventure, and I need to achieve something... I'm no pussy, I will raise my fists to fight anybody, I am physically fit, I feel in my life I have nothing to lose, I'm angry and experiencing pain and hardship, and I'm pining for a new life of adventure, career and achievement... I almost feel like the French Foreign Legion was created for me personally in 1831. I'm currently conditioning myself, I have given myself 5 months to prepare for the legion, I am already fit, but not legion fit, these 5 months will give me an opportunity to condition myself physically to put me at the best advantage of surviving basic training and becoming a legionnaire... There is no other option in life for me. Edited July 16, 2012 by klowzure 1
forgottenangel99 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Klowzure, I see you got your first dose of true love and heartbreak and I know it's truly one of the biggest pains anyone can ever experience. To have someone walk out of your life that you thought you would spend the rest of it with and that person is never to return. Well, I can say I know exactly how you feel because I'm experiencing that right now. My situation is a lot different not to mention this is not my first heartbreak but I know how you feel. I read your entire post but I'm not sure what it is you're looking for. Are you just venting, do you have a specific concern?? You've come to the right place to seek "klowzure" because everyone here is grieving a lost love one to some degree. From my past experiences I can reassure you you WILL get through this. I've felt exactly like how you felt but I did get through it and here I am today, mourning the loss of another loved one, not seeing past the heartache and pain that haunts me. If you haven't read my posts just know that I'm forced to think about my lost love everyday, no matter how hurt or angry or how much I want to move on because I am about to have his child within the next month. He's moving right now and no matter how much I want to get past this it's gonna be impossible because our child is moving inside of me while he's laying next to another woman that he impregnated within a month after our breakup.....just met her and now she's sucking up the rewards of my help when he came from nothing to this lively soul then without a second thought, I'm no longer his future wife (yes, we planned our child, there's was an oopsie but she is now the main girl in his life after a few drinks and sex). Just take things one day at a time. That's really all you can do and we're all here to help each other get through our grieving. I hope knowing that we all care about what you're going through can give you reassurance that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but the only way to get there is time. Grieve as much as you want, no one thinks you're a "pussy", you're a human being with feelings. Feel whatever it is you need to feel but please do not do anything to make things harder on yourself. If things are too rough for you and you need someone in person, seek counseling if it's that bad but do not do something you may later regret or permanently can't change. Smile, this is your road to getting through this. Time.heals.all.wounds:) 1
Savage4 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) Sorry to hear about the pain you are going through klowzure. You sound like a tough soul, but I understand how the loss of a loved one can bring even the toughest of men to tears. I was younger than you when I experienced my first heartbreak and I still remember the agony, so I don't think anyone is doubting what you are feeling. I know it seems impossible for you to think about now but if you allow yourself some time to heal you will eventually be able to love another woman again. As far as going to through a heartbreak like you are experiencing... I don't think there are many more things in life more emotionally painful for you to experience. In certain ways a broken heart is harder to deal with and more painful than the death of a loved one. You don't feel any motivation to be a 'normal' 20 year old and that is perfectly fine right now. Once again, give yourself some time before you expect yourself to get back in the swing of things and return to your normal life. You sound like a smart kid and I'm sure you have a great future ahead of yourself. Don't beat yourself up about your past too much. What's done is done. You're only 20 and still have a long future ahead of you. I don't know much about this French Foreign Legion but this may be a good opportunity for you to move on with your life and get a fresh start. Continue the training you are doing and it will give you something to work towards while you are moving on from the breakup. Best of luck, Savage4 Edited July 16, 2012 by Savage4 2
youdunsay Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I'm curious. What makes you love her? Or have the feeling of love for her?
theskyisblue Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 It sounds like you're really focused on getting over this girl through the foreign legion and it seems like something you really want to keep you busy. Maybe make sure you don't join and then can't leave it though - again not really sure how this all works?
CaliBabe Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Wow, your post was very touching. Just days ago I had to walk away from a man I really cared for because he was not treating me right. I was so good to him and I just hoped that leaving him behind he would see what kind of woman he lost. All due to preventable stupidity. I really hope you find what you are looking for, I know heartbreak is the most painful feeling. I'm sorry and we are all here for you. 1
Author klowzure Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I read your entire post but I'm not sure what it is you're looking for. Are you just venting, do you have a specific concern?? I just feel LS is a good place to get a response to thoughts and feelings when you don't feel like talking to anybody in the real world. And I got some good responses.. from you included, that's all I was looking for.
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