Lilerz84 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I have been dealing with this for a long time now and I feel like I am driving myself crazy. I need to decide if I can somehow forgive and forget and stay in this relationship or if the best thing to do is move on. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years. Overall, he is great. He is nice, sweet and treats me like I am the most important/ beautiful/ charming/ funny/ etc woman in the world. I know that by the way he looks at me and by how I always seem to come first in his life that his feelings are strong and genuine. He has gone through a rough couple of years financially. He lost his job for a while and has been trying to catch up ever since. About a year into our relationship I noticed that my grandmothers ring was gone. It turns out that he had taken it and pawned it for cash. He said he planned to put it back before I noticed and that he needed money for bills and that he felt bad asking me for the money. He apologized profusely and I ended up forgiving him. Fast forward to last December and it happened again, but this time with a credit card. It's linked to my bank account and I noticed that this card that I never used all of a sudden had an $80 balance. The charges were all for food and gas around my house and his. Needless to say, I was extremely upset. This time I didn't take it as lightly and I told his mom and dad what he had done. We are in our late 20s and not children but I thought this was too much for me to handle alone. It turned out being a good thing because he had some serious conversations with them about issues that needed to be addressed. He also went to counseling over this and he said he was able to sort out some of his personal issues. He has a lot of abandonment/trust issues and has always felt that he is alone in handling his problems. I understand why he feels this way about his family but I have always been there for him. Also, the fact that he spent the money on food and gas and not an iPad or something made me feel bad for him and the situation he was probably in. We ended up getting back together sometime in January but I have not been able to get past the hurt/ betrayal or the fear that he will do something like this again. I love him but the trust I had and the warm, loving, safe feeling is gone. It has been almost 8 months since this happened and nothing of the sort has happened again. He has a good, steady job and he tries so hard every single day to make up for his mistakes, but I feel like its never enough. I'm afraid that no matter how hard he tries and no matter what he does that trust will never go back to what it used to be. This is to me the unthinkable- worst than cheating or any other relationship issue. I can't think of him the same way, no matter how hard I try. I want to trust him but I am so afraid of letting him in again. I can't decide if he has changed and if everything we went through as a couple over this and all the changes he made personally were enough for a permanent change or if I am just setting myself up for a lifetime of disappointment and betrayal. How do you know if someone truly changed? How do you forgive someone without hating yourself if it happens again? I'm sorry for the lengthy post but it feels good to finally get this all out. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Ruby65 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 How do you know if someone's truly changed? You don't. It's good (for him) that he's gone into counselling and that he's working steadily now, but if it were me I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with someone who had stolen from me even once -- let alone twice. That's just my opinion -- I wouldn't be able to trust someone enough to have a future, marriage, kids, a home together.... I agree with forgiveness, and I'd wish the best for him in the future, but with someone else.
edelveis Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Ruby 65 said it right..you should move on with your life and forgive him for that but never forget it..
k100danny Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 People can change, and they can change forever but it's hard to change someones perception once they have done something, some things can't be erased. I have never been someone to steal and I wouldn't steal from an enemy never mind my girlfriend. He may have changed but if you can't feel that way again then you have to let go. People often try to stay in relationships after big upsets and it draws out longer and longer. Like people who try again after cheating, I know i could never do that. Although psychologically cheating doesn't mean you don't love your girlfriend it just means it was what was right for you at the time. although lots of people cheat who don't care a lot of them do. I have never cheated on someone and hopefully never will because I know this is something I couldn't get past. I know he hasn't cheated on you but the same remains true.
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