Really lost here

[theskyisblue]

So I hope it's ok to post a message on here without really contributing much to the forum. I, like I guess so many others on here am lost sad and confused. I met my ex girlfriend when we lived together after graduating uni. I was seeing somebody else but that didn't work out and my ex and I were madly in love. I think I felt guilty about it not working out with the girl I was dating but when she met her boyfriend I felt I could ask my ex out and we happily became boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

We got our first place together (previously living with others) and that was really good. However, whilst this was happening my parents were divorcing - not the most romantic setting for two lovers but I supported my mum through some really tough stuff. Sad to say the pressure of supporting her and other siblings started to make me impatient, unhappy and generally not the person I wanted to be. Actually, really unhappy and my ex and I argued a lot and it was my fault a lot and gradually that love diminished and then she moved out and starting living with a friend. That was a couple of years ago and since then we've been limping on, not quite together, mostly exclusive but basically always trying and never able to commit to being properly a boyfriend and girlfriend.*

 

The divorce happened last year and after an unhappy stint in a job I decided to go travelling. I'd always talked about it with her and so I quit my job and went - needed to get some perspective I think. We talked most every day I think even when I was away. Whilst I was away I think she had some dates or something but again generally things were reasonably good.*

 

She actually came out to meet me and we had a bit of an adventure together and I came back and lived with her for a few weeks until I got my own place and a job. For months I've been trying to get her to commit properly to being a boyfriend and girlfriend but there are a variety of excuses but then we meet up and it's ace and really caring but she still doesn't want to commit.

 

The thing is, she turned to me a few weeks ago and said it was over and that she needed space and didn't want to be with me. I was absolutey devastated as I thought we'd worked through things. I didn't really hear from her for a couple of weeks (miserable that was) and then she texts me and comes to my house to say she still loves me and wants to properly try again. Being a bit wary of getting hurt I said lets go on some dates so you don't change your mind in a couple of weeks and make me heartbroken again. She agreed, although we ended up kissing and being close and it felt good.*

 

Anyway, we have a couple of dates and she is acting strangely - for somebody who wants so much to be together she doesn't seem that interested. Anyway the dates seem good and we're doing well - she texts me loads and we're going out with friends etc. She still doesn't want to be in a relationship though - doesn't want it to be on facebook or anything.*

 

Walked over to hers after a few weeks of dating to talk to her about some work stuff and the conversation went to her and I. She's laying on the couch, really barely interested and I say that I need to be in a relationship - its hurting me to be undefined. She says she doesn't feel it and there isn't a spark and only wants to be friends. I said to her, you literally just asked me to go on holiday with you and your sister - what's that about? I don't want to be that guy hanging about as a sort of friend but not really boyfriend person.*

 

At this she says to me that we can still be friends and she will still see me bit I said she won't - it's too much hurt for me. We said a fairly amicable goodbye and that's it.

 

Things I should add:

Recently she asked me on holiday with her, asked me to go to stay with her folks, told me she wants to help me learn to cook nice food, a bunch of other boyfriend - style stuff.

 

She has a habit of not wanting to talk about feelings at all, the occasions we have been properly broken up she is happy to go on dates with mutual friends (this hurts me a lot), she tells me off quite a lot

 

It should be said that I may seem to be painting her poorly here but I have made many mistakes as well. Basically I don't really feel I can let this go. I love this girl, despite our relationship being so much work. I am happy to put the work in but it seems she doesn't feel like that.

 

What do you do? People say let her go - meet new people, find somebody that loves you etc but how do you do that when you care as much as you do. Even thinking about what I've written I'm thinking this is a really destructive relationship and we can't be friends much less lovers with things the way they are. I'm just so sad though - it weighs heavy on my heart and things seem so much more difficult without her in my life. Perhaps everybody thinks it but I did think she was the girl I would marry. People have said well at least you didn't marry her otherwise you'd be divorcing her. The thing is though-having had that experience with divorce I understand the pain it causes and can't understand why she wants me and then when I'm available she doesn't want me - is it a game to some people?

 

There are lots of subtleties I could mention such as when she text messages she only puts one x in the message even though I've told her how important it is to have at least xx in there - just reminds me I'm with somebody who cares. It doesn't seem

important to her though.*

 

It's basically that I can't stop being in love with this girl and not sure what to do about it. Is this where you basically don't see each other and that's it? Really don't see how people make it work if they don't communicate and if she goes - surely that's it? It's very difficult to function with this going on and it feels like I need to do something about it. Thanks for having a look at this post.

 

I wrote all of this and didn't post it and yesterday I went to see her to get my stuff. She said she hadn't loved me for a while, that I was such a great guy and that she would never refer to me as her ex, instead I was her first love. It was the hardest conversation. I asked her if she thought we'd ever be together and she said we would not and that there was no chance of it working. We were both so upset so I took my stuff, said goodbye and that was it. Can somebody really feel that? There is never any chance of being with you?

 

Thoughts or suggestions would be great thank you

 

X

[forgottenangel99]

Hi,

 

I think your post is a little too lengthy, maybe you should try to re-post with the highlights of you situation and we would be more open to answer your post....no offense, we want to help but cut us some slack:bunny:

[Lendar]

I agree that this is a long post, but I ve read it whole

I thinkthat you need tof forget her and find another one. This girl doenst know what she wants. SHe will always play with your heart. The best thing you can do is to try forget her!

[Alban]

You should leave her and go NC .. she will come back believe me.

[bubblecharm]

Dude.. Dont ever lose yourself for a girl like this. All these random relapses and all. It shows that she doesnt have a stable mentality. Odd character. Dont let her hurt you anymore. Stay away from ppl like her.

[theskyisblue]

Hey forgotten angel sorry about that.

 

I guess to sum it up - together about 4 years with some off and on. I we t away travelling after my parents divorce. She joined me out there, came back with me and I got a house and job in the same city as her. Almost as soon as I got set up she didn't want me, came back after a week of NC, then after a couple of weeks together told me she didn't want me again. Another week of NC and I went o get my stuff from hers and we were both really sad and she said she couldn't remember when she stopped being in love with me, didn't want me and never would again (though I sort of asked her I she could ever imagine us being together so I'm not really sure if she wanted to make sure I had no false hope of a reconciliation soon).

 

That's about it really - I'm not really sure if I should quit my job, go to a offering city or what to do really. Hopefully that is a bit easier to get through rather than the previous post.

[theskyisblue]

Lendar thanks for replying and for making it through that lengthy post. Sort of helps to have it written down somewhere. Totally going NC for my own sake I think. I've got an urge to send one final text just to say I accept this but I would like to believe that if we ever wanted to try again that this may be possible. I'm not in any mindset to keep being hurt and we'd both need to change a lot. Just sounded really sad saying I will never be with you, but her saying how great I was and her first love and that she could never thnk of me as an ex boyfriend.

[theskyisblue]

Hey alban, not sure NC would get her back and doesn't seem like that would be the best idea. If somebody wants you shouldn't they just want you? No games? I'll always have space for her in my heart and maybe we could try again but it's hard to think of that when there's been so much hurt. I believe if we were both in a good place it may be possible though.

[theskyisblue]

Bubblecharm thanks for the reply. It does seem crazy to be wanted and the not and then wanted and then not. She told me we need talked about having kids or what kind of dog we'd have. Sad to say there was some truth in that but since coming back from travelling we were starting to have those kinda of conversations. Part of me will keep the door open just a little - do you ever rally close it? Really though, I'm concentrating on moving on with my life. Thinks that's the only way you can do it. If you happen to be with them at some point then it was meant to be I think.

[Sameold]

I'm 6 weeks post BU now and you realise that NC is not really a tactic for getting them back, it just means you gain respect back for yourself and show them you are not just going to hang around and be their bitch.

 

There's only so many times you can say the same thing too. Make sure you have made things clear to her but don't be the doormat who says "i'll always want you back so please just come back when you're ready". Let NC heal you and restore your pride. Also, remember she has acted like a complete bitch. Do you really want to be joining the divorce statistics because these types of girls who just end relationships for no real reason are heading that way and that way only.

[theskyisblue]

Hey yeah I think that the thing about NC is that it gives you the space to get well without getting hurt by somebody who may not even want you.

 

It's so tough when somebody can't decide if they want you or not. What you were saying about being a divorce statistic really rang true. Can't even imagine how that would feel. You sound like somebody who has a good handle on how to deal with these things. Think that I made things clear with her. I wrote it down for her and we hugged and actually were both crying when we said bye. It's the strangest thing and makes NC hard. I don't like the idea of her hurting, and I want her to realise that you never want to say never to being together with somebody, but you also need to get well and find some peace with things. Still sort of tempted to text her to say that but that doesn't seem like a good idea.

[forgottenangel99]

Hi Sky,

 

Thanks for giving a run down on your situation I wasn't trying to be mean it's just your post had 55 views by the time I saw it with no replies....

 

I think Sameold hit it on the nail. Please don't let this girl take you on & off the shelf at her every call & beck. There are too many people that are undecided and if thats the case what's so special about her?? I think you're soing the right thing by moving on with your life and if she wanta to be in it let her prove she's worthy of YOUR time and then let her jump on the train before it pulls out of the station.

 

And yes, NC is for healing, learning, growing and moving on purposes only. You have to realize that the person may never come back and if they do it may not be the best thing for you anyway. Keep looking to better career opportunities and everything else will follow. She'll see what she lost eventually and frankly so will you (hint).

[Sameold]

In many ways I think the way you part is irrelevant. Just do what you need. My ex basically just ran out after 4 years and never evem warned anything was wrong. In essence I lost her to another lifestyle, one she started when she got a new job 6 months ago. Also found out she had been setting things up with another guy towards the end of our relationship when I checked her FB account, and I squeezed out of her shes seen him a few times since the end of our relationship. It just means she can't be by herself, laughable. She still doesn't see she has done anything wrong. So...she went from this perfect princess who I loved to peices to any other untrustworthy, lying bitch in a few days. I tried to win her back, even had my last stand with flowers after a month but I got nowhere, she isn't the person she was. Then when I got home I thought jeez I'm such an idiot, she has screwed me over and I treated her like the queen! So all my thoughts and anger (all based on truth and fact) I sent her in some texts. I don't regret it, she needs to know how I feel and afterall love/hate are close friends.

 

She only replied to say "it wasn't how you thought" etc. She wants to relieve herself of the guilt and I know it hurts her knowing how much I am disgusted with her as her family have told me. I don't hope she's happy.....

I'm NC and people tell me that in 6 months she will make contact just to try and relieve her guilt as time only makes it worse. She has to suffer knowing she threw away 4 years, living together and a potentially amazing future for some superficial life where everything is easy and convienient, that's her own punishment, completely self inflicted. Grass is greender syndrome I believe.

 

I digress....but SkyBlue just concentrate on yourself. NC is the only option to build respect in your eyes and hers. Nothing you say can win her back. Block her from facebook so you don't sit there all day looking at pics and it also means she doesn't have an easy window to your life. Let her miss the great times, she will. It doesn't mean she will come back but it will sit on her mind for a hell of a time. Ultimately, however a break up happens it should be the person who ends it that tries to get it back, I have to keep reminding myself of that.

[theskyisblue]

Forgottenangel you make a lot of sense. Thinking about the relationship you starting thinking how you get picked up and then dropped. How often can somebody do that to you? I was told that they can only do that if you keep letting them do that to you. A part of me really wants to be with her still (why!!) but again maybe that's just the idea of that person rather than the actual person. When something like this happens you have to go NC - it drives me crazy and I want to think of a reason to get in touch with her but have no idea why. If I did, it probably wouldn't mean anything to her, and it would give me hope that we may be working through stuff when she really doesn't want to do that. Thanks for replying though - hearing from people really helps.

[theskyisblue]

Hey sameold - I think I needed closure because she had broken up with me a lot. I came back and kept fighting and maybe that's a sign that the relationship wasn't working. So many mixed messages though - even at the end when we were breaking up. I have to get on with my life, NC everything and try and work out where to go from here.

 

This sounds strange but you put all these words down on the forum because it's the correct thing to do but then you walk away and it's actually living this way that is so hard. Missing affection is tough, and the idea that you basically failed them is also a very tough pill to swallow. That's what makes it so difficult I think - the idea that I failed the relationship somehow. I gave so much to the relationship and it still didn't work. Does that mean I'm not good at relationships, or is it just simply that this didn't work and that these things happen?