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Don't be outcome dependent

ThaWholigan

By ThaWholigan
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ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
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As I have been learning and now come to the conclusion, when in the early stages of dating, relationships and pretty much life itself, you cannot be dependent on the outcome. I think I may have said this before in a thread, but I'll say it again:

 

Don't take it so seriously.

 

I remember every interaction being overanalyzed in my head, and sometimes I catch myself still doing it. However, now I just don't allow myself to get sucked into my minds madness, I just pause and observe my own thoughts. And I laugh! :laugh: The insanity of it all. I have now acquired a healthy level of apathy, in the sense that I don't agonize over talking to girls like I did 3 years ago.

 

Now I can have fun with it. I am a lot better at the banter than I used to be, and it serves me well.

 

How outcome dependent are you? Do you think you can prevent being dependent on it? If not, why?

 

:bunny:

  • Like 8
curlygirl40 Established Member

curlygirl40

Posted
Posted

Good observations.

 

I've only been back in the dating world after my divorce for about 2 years.

 

I would say in the past 3-4 months, I just have a peace about myself regarding dating.

 

I have learned to not be so focused on the outcome, to not have expectations about how things are going to go. I have learned to just enjoy the moments for what they are, instead of worrying about what they are or what they are not. Or where it's going to go.

 

Life has a way of working itself out. I do really believe that 'all is at is should be'.

 

This has created a peace within me that I can't explain. I no longer worry or fret or assign a meaning to things. I just enjoy the moments, enjoy meeting new people, enjoy dates with people.

 

What happens from it is sooooo out of my control anyway so I don't want to expend energy worrying about something that I have no control over.

 

I wish I could say exactly how I reached this point. I'm really not sure. But it's a good place to be.

 

The guys that I have dated seem to notice this and respond positively to it. I'm never the girl who's asking 'what happened? Where are you? Why haven't I heard from you? Where is this going?'.

 

It's a confidence in myself that is hard to articulate. But it comes across in dating, people see it and it is an attractive trait.

 

When you go into a situation and you have an EXPECTATION of how it's going to go, you're setting yourself up. You have to let go of those expectations. When you go into it just to enjoy the moment, enjoy the day, enjoy the date, and not worry about the future, you're able to have a peace about the whole experience. And this makes dating more fun for me.

 

Good thread, thanks.

  • Like 2
monkey00 Established Member

monkey00

Posted
Posted

How outcome dependent are you? Do you think you can prevent being dependent on it? If not, why?

 

I used to do what you described a lot when I was younger, insecure, and less confident in myself. We've all been down that road. These days I don't really worry or think about it honestly unless I'm really really into a girl and wonder why/question how come things didn't work out between us - then the overanalyzing begins. I think these days I'm pretty content with being alone, though it would be a plus to have a SO by my side.

 

So yeah, it's much less stressful and easier to just let things happen organically. There aren't really much outcome expectations when dating. Though when in a R, it's more common and expected.

mesmerized Established Member

mesmerized

Posted
Posted

I agree with you. Men or women who are too dependent on outcome often end up miserable.

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
Posted

Don't be outcome dependent. That is some really old-school PUA material. Might as well be talking about Abundance Mentality too.

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ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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Posted
Don't be outcome dependent. That is some really old-school PUA material. Might as well be talking about Abundance Mentality too.

Hey, at least they were onto something :lmao:

MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

Posted
Posted

I've used that term in many a thread. If you're single, you're playing with house money. You have no one to answer to, no one to compromise with. Live your life. Approach women. She rejects you? Oh well, you're back to where you were before you approached her. She accepts? Congrats, you just met a new girl.

 

You sent a text to a girl hoping she would respond back and she didn't? Oh well, go do something else with your time; like talking to another girl.

  • Like 1
miss_jaclynrae Established Member

miss_jaclynrae

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Posted

I just have fun with it. :p

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

I kinda want to play devil's advocate for this one...just for poops and giggles... :bunny:

Jimbo143 Member

Jimbo143

Posted
Posted

This some solid advice. I used to get so bummed when a girl would reject me. I would think and think and ask myself why? It would drive me nuts. Now that I have become more experienced and comfortable in my own skin I carry a certain demeanor that exudes the "lets have fun and whatever happens, happens." Honestly, there are just so many women out there.. Getting stuck on one is just stupid when you are young. I can honestly say too that there were times when a girl would reject me, just to see how I would react. My "dont give a *****" mentality would have them wondering why. This was especially useful with the more gorgeous women. They just couldn't figure out why I wouldn't be fawning over them. The carefree mind and not being so focused on the outcome just makes the flow better. You have to think.. YOU ARE THE GREAT CATCH.

  • Like 1
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ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
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Posted
I kinda want to play devil's advocate for this one...just for poops and giggles... :bunny:

Please do ;), the floor is yours......

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted

Sorry, I'm having too much fun being the 'chore' and making men work for the 'tang... ;)

 

Seriously. I rather enjoy being a little outcome 'dependent' in a way. Helps keep one focused.

 

Perhaps another way to look at it is not to become overly emotionally invested in the outcome.

 

If you were learning to ride a bike, would you take it personally if you fell down and skinned your knee? Probably not.

 

Although, parents put training wheels on kid's bikes for a reason...

 

Something to look into... Training techniques for kids and dogs. They emphasize making every experience a positive one. The goal is to stop just short of a negative... and build from there. The translation to dating (or any other skill) is to build in enjoyment as you are going along.

  • Like 1
runner Established Member

runner

Posted
Posted
As I have been learning and now come to the conclusion, when in the early stages of dating, relationships and pretty much life itself, you cannot be dependent on the outcome. I think I may have said this before in a thread, but I'll say it again:

 

Don't take it so seriously.

 

I remember every interaction being overanalyzed in my head, and sometimes I catch myself still doing it. However, now I just don't allow myself to get sucked into my minds madness, I just pause and observe my own thoughts. And I laugh! :laugh: The insanity of it all. I have now acquired a healthy level of apathy, in the sense that I don't agonize over talking to girls like I did 3 years ago.

 

Now I can have fun with it. I am a lot better at the banter than I used to be, and it serves me well.

 

How outcome dependent are you? Do you think you can prevent being dependent on it? If not, why?

 

:bunny:

 

yep, especially with things said. people generally don't remember all the detail about what was said; but she will remember what you feel like inside of her :lmao:

 

when you feel that anxiety coming on, stop yourself, stand in place, close your eyes, take a deep breathe...and pretend your in a Corona beer commercial about to open a cold one :lmao:

Sugarkane Established Member

Sugarkane

Posted
Posted

It can be difficult not too. I'm not even 30 yet and my coworkers are always on my back saying why aren't you married/ getting pregnant yet. I find this extremely rude, for all they know I might have fertility problems or something.

counterman Established Member

counterman

Posted
Posted

It was tough at first for me to be outcome independent. I guess it was because I was sharing stories of my rejections with my 'friends' and they would always make fun of me.

 

When I started to cold approach girls, I had to quickly adapt to being rejected a lot and the only way to deal with that was to be outcome independent. How did I reach that? By occupying myself with hobbies, friends and other things, so I'm not always dwelling on the girls I've approached or girls I am contacting.

 

There were times where I would over-analysis on every little detail; it was unhealthy. Now, I just don't give a **** about what happens.

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ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sorry, I'm having too much fun being the 'chore' and making men work for the 'tang... ;)

 

Seriously. I rather enjoy being a little outcome 'dependent' in a way. Helps keep one focused.

 

Perhaps another way to look at it is not to become overly emotionally invested in the outcome.

 

If you were learning to ride a bike, would you take it personally if you fell down and skinned your knee? Probably not.

 

Although, parents put training wheels on kid's bikes for a reason...

 

Something to look into... Training techniques for kids and dogs. They emphasize making every experience a positive one. The goal is to stop just short of a negative... and build from there. The translation to dating (or any other skill) is to build in enjoyment as you are going along.

An interesting twist, but the same ideal IMO ;)

Bob_Funk Established Member

Bob_Funk

Posted
Posted

What a total mindf**ck. I want to sleep with that girl over there, so I'm going to go talk to her. But I don't want to sleep with her.

skyisfalling Established Member

skyisfalling

Posted
Posted
What a total mindf**ck. I want to sleep with that girl over there, so I'm going to go talk to her. But I don't want to sleep with her.

 

haha i TOTALLY get what you mean. it is definitely a mindf***

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ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
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Posted

It's not a mindf*ck at all. It's not a coincidence that I have had much more attention from girls now that I'm not aching desperately to get laid, so I just take the piss and have more fun now. As a result, women respond to me more. I even managed to get a BJ off a girl having only spoken to her 3 times - I NEVER would have thought I could have done it, but I did. And all because I didn't care, I just said whatever to her, just straight banter.

 

Talking to a girl you want to sleep with doesn't mean you have to project that as your entire persona.

skyisfalling Established Member

skyisfalling

Posted
Posted

lol was it good head?

zengirl Established Member

zengirl

Posted
Posted

I agree with you, but I also recognize it's impossible to be completely not outcome-dependent, as in seeking a particular outcome. The key is to find ways to accept rejection, disappointment, and poor outcomes, not simply to become apathetic, IMO. Someone who truly stops caring about outcomes will probably not achieve much in life - you need a little investment, discomfort, and so forth to power ambition and passion alike.

 

A mindset of abundance is key to being outcome-okay, which is better, I'd say. NEEDING a certain outcome to be happy is a problem, but wanting and working for and being a bit disappointed when something doesn't come to fruition is fine, if you can remain intact and optimistic and view the Universe as abundant even when things go awry.

  • Like 2
nessaaa Established Member

nessaaa

Posted
Posted

What chu talkin bout Willis?

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ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I agree with you, but I also recognize it's impossible to be completely not outcome-dependent, as in seeking a particular outcome. The key is to find ways to accept rejection, disappointment, and poor outcomes, not simply to become apathetic, IMO. Someone who truly stops caring about outcomes will probably not achieve much in life - you need a little investment, discomfort, and so forth to power ambition and passion alike.

 

A mindset of abundance is key to being outcome-okay, which is better, I'd say. NEEDING a certain outcome to be happy is a problem, but wanting and working for and being a bit disappointed when something doesn't come to fruition is fine, if you can remain intact and optimistic and view the Universe as abundant even when things go awry.

 

Yeah, I guess it's probably better way of looking at it. I don't think apathy is the way to go from a standpoint regarding the self. However, I believe that people need to deal with disappointment a lot better than they do, they attach SO much to the outcome of an event or sequence of events that when it doesn't go wrong, they get mad and consistently become more and more bitter. And then complain on the internet :laugh:.

 

The last paragraph is excellent, and it's funny that earlier in the thread, Somedude alluded to that part of the theory (abundance mentality) as it is often presented in PUA. It's the way to go IMO.

 

lol was it good head?

 

It was my first one. It felt great. She swallowed :cool:. That is all........

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
How outcome dependent are you? Do you think you can prevent being dependent on it? If not, why?

 

My historical failure was less being outcome dependent (I really didn't give that a whole lot of thought nor assigned emotion) but rather caring too much (unhealthily) in the moment. Caring unhealthily facilitated an equally unhealthy level of giving the 'benefit of the doubt' and the result was watching too many canaries choke while not/prior to taking action to preserve health and enforce boundaries. At times this would border upon what LS'ers call 'doormat' behaviors.

 

That said, your point is well-taken. Life is a continuum of moments; the future is unknown. Live in the now.

zengirl Established Member

zengirl

Posted
Posted
The last paragraph is excellent, and it's funny that earlier in the thread, Somedude alluded to that part of the theory (abundance mentality) as it is often presented in PUA. It's the way to go IMO.

 

I didn't know abundance mentality was a part of PUA - is it 'real' abundance mentality or is it just trying to get the upper hand? I find most female dating books tend to promote women control the situation by a scarcity mindset (though the few I like do not do this) and I have seen a lot of that in PUA as well. True abundance mentality is much less outcome-dependent. It's accepting that when something didn't work, maybe it wasn't supposed to, or whatnot, and that what you need is within you and also always headed your way. You may have to change your mind on the form, though. ;) Trying to get a specific outcome is quite a narrowing process, so it's really exercising the idea of scarcity. As with all things, balance is good.

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