Kizzyfur Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 I've read quite a few of the posts on this forum. I have to say that a lot of them show obvious intent; not all mind you. Like if someone tells you they no longer want to see you. Well, if that's not obvious enough I don't know what would be. Or things like he/she is seeing someone else but makes sure you're available when they get tired of their current partner. These things to me are obvious signs it's over. What I want to know, is what do you do about someone who will do anything for you, tells you he/she loves you more than anything, shows initiative to try to prove their love for you, but won't make the relationship official? Here's the deal. I am in a relationship with a MM. Their marriage was over long before I met him but neither one has filed for divorce. He listens and actually remembers the important things when we talk. He will do anything for me. He is even making effort in compramising and learning that I'm not like his wife. For example, she doesn't share any of his interests and won't do things WITH him; whereas I want to actually do things together. He has started taking the initiative to do things with me. There's nothing going on between him and his wife. He doesn't have anything to do with her other than when he's spending time with the kids. She won't file as long as she's got his money coming in. He keeps telling me he will file for divorce but always has some excuse why he didn't get it done (and it's usually a good one). He's taken me to meet his friends and family in his home town. They all know of the pending divorce. Everyone he works with knows about me. He has even cried when I tried breaking up with him. It's really hard to explain the entire picture. If he wasn't trying to prove his love to me in the ways that he does, I would assume he's just using me. If he didn't look so sincere when he said he loves me (even my mom says she sees it in his eyes) then I'd assume he was only interested in the sex. Another thing that makes me believe it's more than just an affair is the fact I told him from the begining to be honest, not to tell me he loves me if he really doesn't, and there wouldn't be a problem with just being FWB. If he wouldn't cry (honest to God tears) when I mention that I'm not going to wait around forever for him, I wouldn't think there was more to it than just his getting his jollies. In fact, the ONLY thing keeping any doubt in my mind that he's not sincere is the fact he hasn't filed for divorce so we can be together legit. I don't intend to wait for him though. If someone else happens along I can't say I won't test the waters. I have informed my MM of this. I won't jump into a serious relationship with anyone. Never have been the type. As much as I love my MM and he seems to love me, I can't put my life on hold while he pisses around about getting a divorce. I'd just like to know, what's the deal? I don't expect him to leave his kids. With the things I know about his wife, I'd help him get custody of them. I am not trying to be biased, just fact. I love his kids probably as much as I love him. They also adore me. We get along real well (basically spent 6 months as their live in nanny). So what's his problem?? Well, he promised me he'd file for divorce this week. He wants me to go out of state with him Friday. I told him he had to file and then I'd consider it. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday when he said he got stuck in the office all day at work. I know he's scared of losing his kids. But if he would actually talk to an attorney and use the information I gave him, there shouldn't be a problem with him getting custody. Especially if his wife was to leave with them like she keeps threatening to do. Any thoughts?? Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
seriously confused Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 well i would say that it may be true that he loves you, but it could also be that he loves the idea of you! I would not persue anything further with your MM if he is clearly not into ending his marriage. Being invloved with a MM can be trying and very frustrating. I hope you know what you are doing cause if the process is not done carefully, you could end up really hurt. I think that a MM who really wants out of his VOWS then he will do it. He will not loose his kids as he is thier father and he has just as much right to his kids as their mother. I know that you are probably really messed up about all of it, but you seriously need to tell your MM that you two are on hold till he files,really it is for your own protection. You need to distance yourself from the situation as much as you love him. If you two are meant to be then you will. Believe in fate dear cause it usually works for us. As women we are more proned to situations like yours because we love a MM and feel that the whole world revolves around them. It actually doesn't, especially if he's married. If you love him great, but make him shoe you that he loves you by keeping his word and ending his farce of a marriage. Also he should be filing now because some people don't understand how long these things can take in court. Back off a little and give his head a shake cause if he really loves you he will file if he thinks that not doing so could end what you two have. You need to look out for yourself too, not just him. Keep posting and I wish you lots of luck.........
Author Kizzyfur Posted July 10, 2004 Author Posted July 10, 2004 Thank you confused. Trust me I had already thought about everything you said and had been telling him he could lose me if he didn't file. I told him a little over a month ago that it was over between us until he did file for divorce. The only reason I was still having contact is because I'm the only one he is comfortable talking to about major problems. I really don't know why. I had also told him I wasn't going to wait for him; if I was still single when he filed we could work things out. I think this did jar something because he was looking at losing something he felt was one of the best things to happen to him. Since the post he has filed for divorce. His wife will be receiving the paperwork soon and then he has to wait two or three months (I can't remember which) after she turns the paperwork back in before they can move on in the divorce. I know she has a time limit to do this, just can't remember how long. I have been reading a lot about it since he first told me he was going to file over eight months ago. No, he isn't getting out of the relationship with his wife just to be with me. She literally treats him and the kids like ****. She's very controlling and mentally abusive. So it's really better for everyone that they seperate. Hopefully he gets custody of the kids. He is going to try anyway. I'm not being biased. I've witnessed first hand how she is with him, the kids, and his entire family. But I guess I'd covered that in my first post huh? Ah well....
Author Kizzyfur Posted July 10, 2004 Author Posted July 10, 2004 Oh, he also tells me he loves me in his sleep. We spent the other night together (after he filed). I'm naturally a night own where he is not. So needless to say he fell asleep long before I did. He had his arm around me while I played solitare on the computer (yes, it's next to the bed). A few times he'd quit snoring, sqeeze me, kiss my head, and tell me he loves me. I asked him about it the next morning and he said he didn't remember. Isn't it true you can't lie in your sleep?
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