Time for it to be over...

[frozensprouts]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I've been wondering if there is ever a point at which your spouses infidelity is no longer a "defining point" ( not the right term, but I hope you know what i mean) in your marriage....

 

My husband's cheating was almost exactly three years ago ( three years ago tonight i was out for coffee with two friends who were trying to help me figure out what to do because I was still reeling from his leaving the week before to go stay with his other woman...weird how I can remember that)...

 

A lot of time has passed, and I really don't our marriage to always be " a marriage that went through infidelity" when it is so much more than that...

 

50 years from now I don't want that to still be in my mind, other than as a memory of a bad time we went through...but it is hard to let it go

 

Has anyone else found this?

 

( on a totally unrelated note, my autocorrect is driving me nuts..it's keeps changing my spelling, and sometimes it is funny..it did it a few times in this post, and the other day when I sent a message to my daughter's math tutor with "tutoring" as the subject line, it changed it to "torturing"...:laugh:...I suppose it's right...the definition of torturing could be making a kid do extra math over summer vacation:laugh:)

[Athena]

It's been 17 years since D-Day #1 and I suppose infidelity is no longer the defining moment, but it is ever-present in the back of my mind. I suppose this may be due to the fact that H continued to have affairs, and there continued to be several more D-Days over the years, so never a time to be fully recovered before the onslaught of new lies, deception, cover-ups, and disclosures with trickle-truths.

 

The last D-Day was a few years ago, but that's when I decided to detach from him emotionally, and so save myself.

 

I still don't trust him. Of course he must have OW in his life now, but I don't care. I don't invest in him anymore. The damage is done, and the healing is ongoing for me.

 

I know with my H's father, who also cheated on my MIL a few times, he broke her emotionally too, and she stayed in the M. They are still married, now both in their 70's... he is as fit as a fiddle and she can barely walk with a walker, has fibromyalgia and lots of stress related issues, no thanks to what he's put her through. Recently, when she tentatively brought up his past choices, he shut her down with, "It's all forgotten History now"

 

I don't think you ever forget.

[frozensprouts]

It's been 17 years since D-Day #1 and I suppose infidelity is no longer the defining moment, but it is ever-present in the back of my mind. I suppose this may be due to the fact that H continued to have affairs, and there continued to be several more D-Days over the years, so never a time to be fully recovered before the onslaught of new lies, deception, cover-ups, and disclosures with trickle-truths.

 

The last D-Day was a few years ago, but that's when I decided to detach from him emotionally, and so save myself.

 

I still don't trust him. Of course he must have OW in his life now, but I don't care. I don't invest in him anymore. The damage is done, and the healing is ongoing for me.

 

I know with my H's father, who also cheated on my MIL a few times, he broke her emotionally too, and she stayed in the M. They are still married, now both in their 70's... he is as fit as a fiddle and she can barely walk with a walker, has fibromyalgia and lots of stress related issues, no thanks to what he's put her through. Recently, when she tentatively brought up his past choices, he shut her down with, "It's all forgotten History now"

 

I don't think you ever forget.

 

from my pint of view, that sounds so unfair...if there was any justice in this world, he'd be the one suffering and she'd be the one feeling good and enjoying her senior years

[Athena]

from my pint of view, that sounds so unfair...if there was any justice in this world, he'd be the one suffering and she'd be the one feeling good and enjoying her senior years

 

Life is easier for the Cheater, who is stroking his ego and enjoying life with secret affairs, while for the spouse, the disclosures of one affair after another break them down.... this emotional rollercoaster is NO GOOD for your mental, emotional, and physical health. There is no doubt in my mind that my MIL is the way she is today, because of all the emotional upheaval her husband has put her through... and he is able to detach from all the craziness and drama, from affairs, to risky business ventures, to losing their beautiful home, so he can live unaffected by it all, whereas she, with her normal emotional capabilities and limitations, is very much affected. THAT is why she is the way she is today.

 

I wish she had divorced him back when she was 51, but she was scared and didn't know if she could support herself, etc etc.... I remember she spoke to me, but I was just 21 years old and didn't know how to advise her. She should have left him.

[96nole]

It's been 17 years since D-Day #1 and I suppose infidelity is no longer the defining moment, but it is ever-present in the back of my mind. I suppose this may be due to the fact that H continued to have affairs, and there continued to be several more D-Days over the years, so never a time to be fully recovered before the onslaught of new lies, deception, cover-ups, and disclosures with trickle-truths.

 

The last D-Day was a few years ago, but that's when I decided to detach from him emotionally, and so save myself.

 

I still don't trust him. Of course he must have OW in his life now, but I don't care. I don't invest in him anymore. The damage is done, and the healing is ongoing for me.

 

I know with my H's father, who also cheated on my MIL a few times, he broke her emotionally too, and she stayed in the M. They are still married, now both in their 70's... he is as fit as a fiddle and she can barely walk with a walker, has fibromyalgia and lots of stress related issues, no thanks to what he's put her through. Recently, when she tentatively brought up his past choices, he shut her down with, "It's all forgotten History now"

 

I don't think you ever forget.

 

It's been just over 5 months since D-day #2. My divorce has been final for just over a month and a half. I don't know how many times in these past 5 months I've asked myself if I did the right thing. The day after the second d-day I was in my lawyers office getting the divorce proceedings started. I remember that day in the lawyers office looking at my reflection in the window crying, asking myself if I was doing the right thing.

 

Reading your post about what you've been through and your poor MIL reaffirms that I did the right thing. I think I'm going to print it out and pin it to my wall. Every time i start to feel weak, I'm going to go read it.

 

Words cannot express how bad I feel for you and your MIL. I can only hope there is a special place in hell for people that cause so much mental, emotional, and the eventual physical harm to others. Especially to those they claim to love.

[Athena]

 

Words cannot express how bad I feel for you and your MIL. I can only hope there is a special place in hell for people that cause so much mental, emotional, and the eventual physical harm to others. Especially to those they claim to love.

 

Your words brought tears to my eyes, funny, how I think I'm strong again and recovered, and yet can be so close to tears. Thank you for your empathy.

 

At least there's a chance for me, although not for my poor MIL. She and I are similar and married to the same type of man (like father, like son). My heart hurts for her, because she deserved a normal man, and a normal life. She was such a strong woman, it's terrible to see her beaten down from years of sticking by the man she loved, but clearly, who didn't love her back.

 

Yes, I believe you did the right thing in divorcing your spouse.... I can tell you that mine cried crocodile tears so many times after each D-Day, and each time, like you, I questioned myself as to if divorce was the only answer, or giving him 'one last chance'.... I am glad to tell you that I found out for sure, that my husband did not deserve any chances (like his first wife did NOT give him any chances after his D-Day with her revealed his five affairs and she promptly divorced him). A serial cheater has an ingrained set of priorities which exclude a loving, respectful relationship.

 

Good luck, you will regain your strength with each passing day. I hope one day you can find happiness and KNOW you made the right choice.

It does suck when you still love them, but with repeated cheaters, you either choose to love yourself or them.

 

PS: Yes, I do believe there's eventual physical harm, as you put it -- for me it was depression for a few years.

I am happy to say that I have been depression free and off any kind of meds since the end of last year... and I put that down to finally detaching from my husband. THAT is when I started to recover.

You cannot be with them while they are systematically destroying your soul.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Athena

[frozensprouts]

Sorry but that question is like asking someone who lost a limb in a car accident whether they will ever be able to forget the accident or the missing limb.

 

Or whether you will ever forget the birth of your first child. Or your wedding day.

 

Betrayeds spouses go through a life-changing transformative experience.

 

No, you will never forget. Not in 50 years, not in a thousand.

 

 

i guess i didn't word my question very well...my apologies

 

i don't think i'll ever forget, but i don't want it to define our relationship for the rest of our days...i know that in the relatively short term working past the infidelity will play a big part in our relationship, but we are so muh more now than just a couple that stayed together after infidelity...

[96nole]

i guess i didn't word my question very well...my apologies

 

i don't think i'll ever forget, but i don't want it to define our relationship for the rest of our days...i know that in the relatively short term working past the infidelity will play a big part in our relationship, but we are so muh more now than just a couple that stayed together after infidelity...

 

I don't think you could forget if you tried. Nobody can forget a trauma such as that.

 

I think it's up to the individual if they can make it so the infidelity no longer defines the marriage. At some point you'll either have to make a conscious decision that it will not define the marriage and move forward. Or you'll wake up one day and realize you haven't thought about it in a while. At that point the marriage is not longer defined by it. And of course, it's one more aspect that falls onto the BS much more than the WS.

[Summer Breeze]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I've been wondering if there is ever a point at which your spouses infidelity is no longer a "defining point" ( not the right term, but I hope you know what i mean) in your marriage....

 

My husband's cheating was almost exactly three years ago ( three years ago tonight i was out for coffee with two friends who were trying to help me figure out what to do because I was still reeling from his leaving the week before to go stay with his other woman...weird how I can remember that)...

 

A lot of time has passed, and I really don't our marriage to always be " a marriage that went through infidelity" when it is so much more than that...

 

50 years from now I don't want that to still be in my mind, other than as a memory of a bad time we went through...but it is hard to let it go

 

Has anyone else found this?

 

( on a totally unrelated note, my autocorrect is driving me nuts..it's keeps changing my spelling, and sometimes it is funny..it did it a few times in this post, and the other day when I sent a message to my daughter's math tutor with "tutoring" as the subject line, it changed it to "torturing"...:laugh:...I suppose it's right...the definition of torturing could be making a kid do extra math over summer vacation:laugh:)

 

FS I'm not able to answer your OP with my experience because I didn't stay with my xH. I do have a comment/question for you that kind of ties in though.

 

You write a lot about your parents and their M now, many years past the infidelity of your father. Is there part of you that holds yourself up to that standard and that you somehow need to move past it as they have? Again just another question. You say they act lovey dovey around each other. Have you had a heart to heart with your mom about how she truly, truly feels?

 

You are such a kind and giving soul. I have nothing in me that doubts you and your sincerity nor that of your husband. But sometimes I read some of your posts and I feel like you're not necessarily doing what you want to do but what you are expected to do. Maybe even what you expect of yourself. I'm normally way off on stuff like this. Just thought I'd ask. Tell me to take a hike if you'd like to. I've got really thick skin!

[beenburned]

FS,

 

I understand exactly what you meant with your question.

 

For me personally, I was 5 years out from d-day when I really FELT in my heart our marriage was going to make it. H had bent over backwards to change completely and showed his devotion daily.

 

As these years have flown by, I am grateful that my H loved me enough to make our marriage better and stonger than ever.

 

The time in our marriage when he cheated(the early years), are now just a small blip in many many years of a long happy marriage. It doesn't define our marriage or him anymore.

[frozensprouts]

FS I'm not able to answer your OP with my experience because I didn't stay with my xH. I do have a comment/question for you that kind of ties in though.

 

You write a lot about your parents and their M now, many years past the infidelity of your father. Is there part of you that holds yourself up to that standard and that you somehow need to move past it as they have? Again just another question. You say they act lovey dovey around each other. Have you had a heart to heart with your mom about how she truly, truly feels?

 

You are such a kind and giving soul. I have nothing in me that doubts you and your sincerity nor that of your husband. But sometimes I read some of your posts and I feel like you're not necessarily doing what you want to do but what you are expected to do. Maybe even what you expect of yourself. I'm normally way off on stuff like this. Just thought I'd ask. Tell me to take a hike if you'd like to. I've got really thick skin!

 

i did talk to my mom abut it...she's not the kind of person to open up easily, and from what she tells me, it was very hard for her. But I also know her, and isn't one to put up with cr@p, and she's never been anywhere she didn't want to be...

 

About the next part of your post...what I think I am still trying to get my head around sometimes is the disconnect between what I thought marriage was, and what mine turned out to be...I think it's hard to accept that...

 

thanks for your question...your concern is very much appreciated:)

[Summer Breeze]

i did talk to my mom abut it...she's not the kind of person to open up easily, and from what she tells me, it was very hard for her. But I also know her, and isn't one to put up with cr@p, and she's never been anywhere she didn't want to be...

 

About the next part of your post...what I think I am still trying to get my head around sometimes is the disconnect between what I thought marriage was, and what mine turned out to be...I think it's hard to accept that...

 

thanks for your question...your concern is very much appreciated:)

 

 

I think that's an interesting comment FS. So many people think that M is supposed to be a fairy tale. We tell our daughters about prince charming and how Cinderella overcomes all odd to get to the castle. Even with divorce rates as high as they are TV still gives us lavish weddings and Christmas movies extolling perfection we'll never achieve. We have a clear idea on what M should be. We aren't really shown how to cope when things plain don't work out the way we want. And being a good little girl I can always find a way to blame myself for just about all of it.

 

Hang on FS you'll get there. Maybe we won't get Prince Charming but with any luck we'll get the Happily Ever After.

[Silly_Girl]

FS, I think the affair can definitely become part of your fading history, along with lovely holidays, broken washing machines and babies being born.

 

You won't forget what happened, but I don't feel as though you expect that to happen. The triggers of this will be stronger than any other trigger, but again, I think you're smart enough to know this.

 

You still do a lot of thinking, debating and probing. Do you think you are ready to consign the infidelity to the memory-box? You're a very active poster here, I'm not criticising you for that and your threads are often thought-provoking, but I just want to put the thought out there that whilst you 'live' here so much it might not be possible to move on. Or perhaps it's the other way around; when you stop hanging out here so much is the time you find you're ready to move on.

 

Not my judgement, just thoughts.

[frozensprouts]

i think that sometimes i post a lot on here because I wan to understand, on an intellectual level, what happened...I guess I want to make sense of a situation that really doesn't make much sense at all. This seems somewhat "bass-ackwards", as usually it's easier to understand things the other way around...things may make sense, but emotionally, they are still hard to accept.

 

I think, over time, I'll accept what has happened...this isn't to say that I'll like it, or think that my husbands cheating was a good thing, but I'll be much more able to see the good that came from it...

 

as for finding my "prince charming"..I think i already have, and I'm accepting that he may have been more "frog than prince"...but maybe that's not a bad thing...I like frogs:laugh:...in all seriousness, maybe losing the "idealized" view that I had of my husband and accepting that he is subject to the same faults as anyone else has actually been a good thing...and probably a lot more fair to him

[BetrayedH]

i think that sometimes i post a lot on here because I wan to understand, on an intellectual level, what happened...I guess I want to make sense of a situation that really doesn't make much sense at all. This seems somewhat "bass-ackwards", as usually it's easier to understand things the other way around...things may make sense, but emotionally, they are still hard to accept.

 

I think, over time, I'll accept what has happened...this isn't to say that I'll like it, or think that my husbands cheating was a good thing, but I'll be much more able to see the good that came from it...

 

as for finding my "prince charming"..I think i already have, and I'm accepting that he may have been more "frog than prince"...but maybe that's not a bad thing...I like frogs:laugh:...in all seriousness, maybe losing the "idealized" view that I had of my husband and accepting that he is subject to the same faults as anyone else has actually been a good thing...and probably a lot more fair to him

 

I think this ^^^ is as healthy as it gets. To reconcile, you need a betrayed spouse that understands this AND a wayward spouse that "gets it." I think this is a remarkably rare combination.

[Spark1111]

i think that sometimes i post a lot on here because I wan to understand, on an intellectual level, what happened...I guess I want to make sense of a situation that really doesn't make much sense at all. This seems somewhat "bass-ackwards", as usually it's easier to understand things the other way around...things may make sense, but emotionally, they are still hard to accept.

 

I think, over time, I'll accept what has happened...this isn't to say that I'll like it, or think that my husbands cheating was a good thing, but I'll be much more able to see the good that came from it...

 

as for finding my "prince charming"..I think i already have, and I'm accepting that he may have been more "frog than prince"...but maybe that's not a bad thing...I like frogs:laugh:...in all seriousness, maybe losing the "idealized" view that I had of my husband and accepting that he is subject to the same faults as anyone else has actually been a good thing...and probably a lot more fair to him

 

I think it took a long time for my emotions and my ego to catch up with my initital "blink" which was: This didn't have anything to do with me.

 

And I too searched for logic and understanding because that is what I do: I need to find the why and the how as a protection and reassurance that if I gave him a second chance, I would never experience this pain again.

 

So I followed all the rules (A student mentality:rolleyes:) read the books, went to IC and MC, dissected the data, and thought that would protect me.

 

Acceptance is realizing, nah, that doesn't work; there are no guarantees. I fell in love with a deeply flawed person who crashed into another deeply flawed person and convinced themselves I and her xH were the problem in their lives.

 

Nope, they were the problem in their lives. They still may continue to be, but it is not my problem anymore.

 

So, in between all that I went on the raging pain rollercoaster waiting to come back to sanity and arrive at acceptance and I wound up --OVER 4 YEARS LATER--back at square one: The affair had nothing to do with me.

 

I couldn't prevent it, control it, nor was I responsible for it, contrary to popular opinion that thinks true lurve sweeps people away. Truly, it does not sneak and hide and lie and hurt others.

 

So, like a weight lifting from my shoulders, I arrived at acceptance. FS, you will too. It is gone and all I feel is pity for the both of them; what a legacy in your life, huh? It's one, there but for the grace of God, I do not have in mine: a sordid affair.

 

I love the man my H is today, and I am happy to be married to him TODAY.

 

That's all I concentrate on, as there are never any guarantees in the future, except those I give myself. I'm ok with that.

[Spark1111]

I think this ^^^ is as healthy as it gets. To reconcile, you need a betrayed spouse that understands this AND a wayward spouse that "gets it." I think this is a remarkably rare combination.

 

Maybe it is BH, but here's the wrinkle in it that wrankles many: WHY OH WHY do some only appreciate what they have when it has a suitcase packed and is walking out the door?

 

So getting it is sooooooo important to reconciliation, but it still makes me wonder why it took an affair I almost divorced him over for my H to treat me with the love and respect and devotion I deserved all along.

 

KWIM? We always come back to that question, us BSs.

 

And I can only conclude that the affair had nothing to do with me, and all to do with him not knowing first, what his unmet needs were and, secondly, never communicating them properly, and third, taking the fund and easy way out for HIM which lobbed a grenade into US.

 

Very, very flawed and faulty thinking that he still triggers over today.

[onthefence210]

It's been 17 years since D-Day #1 and I suppose infidelity is no longer the defining moment, but it is ever-present in the back of my mind. I suppose this may be due to the fact that H continued to have affairs, and there continued to be several more D-Days over the years, so never a time to be fully recovered before the onslaught of new lies, deception, cover-ups, and disclosures with trickle-truths.

 

The last D-Day was a few years ago, but that's when I decided to detach from him emotionally, and so save myself.

 

I still don't trust him. Of course he must have OW in his life now, but I don't care. I don't invest in him anymore. The damage is done, and the healing is ongoing for me.

 

I know with my H's father, who also cheated on my MIL a few times, he broke her emotionally too, and she stayed in the M. They are still married, now both in their 70's... he is as fit as a fiddle and she can barely walk with a walker, has fibromyalgia and lots of stress related issues, no thanks to what he's put her through. Recently, when she tentatively brought up his past choices, he shut her down with, "It's all forgotten History now"

 

I don't think you ever forget.

 

 

This is so sad to me. May I ask why do you stay? I emotionally detached from my H after his 2 affairs that was 15 yrs ago, and I still can't fully understand what kept me with him. I just know it was a very lonely place for me for a very long time.

[beenburned]

Spark,

 

That is a good question,"Why do some people have to learn things the hard way"?

 

I personally think it is in their nature/personality all along.

 

These people are very impulse oriented, are risk takers, thrill seekers, big egos, selfish, self centered,immature, and have a huge sense of entitlement.(think the rules only apply to others, and the bad behavior is O.K. as long as they get away with it)

 

To be honest, if I had gone to HS with my H on a daily basis, I would have realized just how different he was from all my other boyfriends. By only dating long distance, he was always on his best behavior, so I was quite shocked after our marriage at his lack of good boundaries in all areas of his life!

[beenburned]

onthefence,

 

I think a lot of people stay because of fear they can't support themselves and their children.

 

I was a SAHM with 2 young children when my d-day occurred. I went to my parents to see if they would help me until I could get on my feet financially.

They couldn't, and they told me to try and work it out with H.(even though I wanted to divorce him)

 

I stayed but immediately found me a job and went to college at night. All with the goal of divorcing H when I was financially able. Lucky for me, he changed completely and we didn't get divorced.

[drifter777]

Maybe it is BH, but here's the wrinkle in it that wrankles many: WHY OH WHY do some only appreciate what they have when it has a suitcase packed and is walking out the door?

 

So getting it is sooooooo important to reconciliation, but it still makes me wonder why it took an affair I almost divorced him over for my H to treat me with the love and respect and devotion I deserved all along.

 

KWIM? We always come back to that question, us BSs.

 

And I can only conclude that the affair had nothing to do with me, and all to do with him not knowing first, what his unmet needs were and, secondly, never communicating them properly, and third, taking the fund and easy way out for HIM which lobbed a grenade into US.

 

Very, very flawed and faulty thinking that he still triggers over today.

 

You say that "the affair had nothing to do with me" quite often in your posts. I take it that this way of looking at it gives you some sort of solace, and that's great. Why do you think this way? I mean, the affair was about your cheating husband and the betrayal he perpetrated on you. He choose her over you when he started a sexual relationship with her. You are the one who suffered all the pain, anger, sadness, and humiliation. You were a big, big part of the affair to my way of thinking.

 

I understand taking your share of the responsibility for the state of your relationship when he decided to cheat, but this feels different to me. It feels like a catch-phrase that can be used as a mantra to help ease the pain/anger you still struggle with. You know, like "time heals all wounds" or other such nonsense.

 

I don't understand what you mean when you say "Very, very flawed and faulty thinking that he still triggers over today". In what way does HE trigger?

[beenburned]

drifter,

 

My H has told me all along the whole problem was inside of him.

He has always thought we had a good marriage, and I was a great wife/mother.

 

He knew he always had bad boundaries, even prior to our marriage. He acted out a lot as a teenager.(breaking rules and lying)

 

All of his OW were wild and wanted to be f*** buddies.(complete opposite of me)

 

What is so weird is we have always had a good frequent sex life. He has never been turned down by me for sex anytime.

 

He said he chose me to marry because I was good marriage material and his parents approved of me.

 

We only dated long distance, so I had no idea before marriage he had a "BAD BOY" reputation, or I never would have married him!

 

He has completely grown up and changed since those early years of our marriage, or else we wouldn't still be married.

[Steadfast]

You say that "the affair had nothing to do with me" quite often in your posts. I take it that this way of looking at it gives you some sort of solace, and that's great. Why do you think this way? I mean, the affair was about your cheating husband and the betrayal he perpetrated on you. He choose her over you when he started a sexual relationship with her. You are the one who suffered all the pain, anger, sadness, and humiliation. You were a big, big part of the affair to my way of thinking.

 

'bb' has her own situation to deal with, but the mechanics of what she faced is shared by everyone who has been betrayed by a spouse. There is no way of escaping the pain caused by a cheating spouse's actions (that is, if you love and want to stay with them) but everyone owns their own decisions.

 

Cheaters often shift blame to relieve guilt. That's insult to injury, 'doing the time' for another persons crime. They shovel it. Will you carry it?

[Spark1111]

You say that "the affair had nothing to do with me" quite often in your posts. I take it that this way of looking at it gives you some sort of solace, and that's great. Why do you think this way? I mean, the affair was about your cheating husband and the betrayal he perpetrated on you. He choose her over you when he started a sexual relationship with her. You are the one who suffered all the pain, anger, sadness, and humiliation. You were a big, big part of the affair to my way of thinking.

 

I understand taking your share of the responsibility for the state of your relationship when he decided to cheat, but this feels different to me. It feels like a catch-phrase that can be used as a mantra to help ease the pain/anger you still struggle with. You know, like "time heals all wounds" or other such nonsense.

 

I don't understand what you mean when you say "Very, very flawed and faulty thinking that he still triggers over today". In what way does HE trigger?

 

Hmmmm...drifter I think the difference between you and I are that maybe you think it was intentional where I have come to the conclusion that is was delusional, and highly self-destructive choice for him!

 

I am the same person I was pre, during and after the affair. HE convinced himself I no longer loved him, was only here for his paycheck (ha!) and would leave him in a heartbeat if given the chance.

 

If you spoke to 100 friends and family members if any of this rung true, they would have laughed in your face.

 

Just one example: The longest my H and I have gone without sex was 13 days after his back operation, and that includes his affair!

 

When asked, he told his OW we rarely to never had sex. She then, convinced him I must have a boyfriend. He started to believe that could be true.

 

If that isn't the height of delusional thinking, I do not know what is.

 

Why should I be ashamed that my H made a horrible choice to go get his ego and other parts stroked ;)by a needy drama queen who couldn't walk a mile in my shoes?

 

Do you think mature rational people are out having affairs?

 

I told the world about his deception because I was furious he had lied to me and assumed we were divorcing after the text I intercepted. I threw him out and told him to go get her.

 

The shame was all his. Even my young adult children asked him "Why didn't you tell the truth and separate and spare our mother and us this sordidness?"

 

My one daughter said to him:"you are exactly the type of man you always warned me against dating."

 

Ouch!

 

He looks back at this time as an aberration of thought and action. Depressed and unhappy, he loved the attention from the adoring eyes of a woman who thought he was her Knight in Shining Armor, but he didn't love the woman. It was an easy ego-boost. Very selfish.

 

She didn't know he had been unemployed, depressed and had felt like a failure, while I worked three jobs to keep it all together. Given carte blanche to be with her, it was the last thing he wanted. Go figure.

 

What could I possibly have to be ashamed of? I did feel humiliation in that I didn't feel or see it, because love is blind.

 

Today, when it comes up, he winces in pain, oh so wishing it had never happened. But it did, and he cannot unring that bell in his legacy.

 

I have examined this every which way and cannot come up with anything I could have done differently, except quit one of my jobs and lavish attention on him?

 

That's ludicrous! And I cannot fix what I do not know about. I begged him to join me in therapy. He refused.

 

And no, it does not give me solace to say the affair had nothing to do with me. What would give me solace is to say, we've been married over 30 years now and we have always been true to each other.

[thomasb]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I've been wondering if there is ever a point at which your spouses infidelity is no longer a "defining point" ( not the right term, but I hope you know what i mean) in your marriage....

 

 

Frozen. There does come a point in recovery when it becomes a non-issue in the marriage any longer. I cannot speak for my wife as to when it was for her. She calls it a blip on the radar of the past now. And it was. For me it was when we would go weeks without her having any triggers. I never thought about it for years unless some life situation, ie: T.V., movie, work sitch, etc, brought it to mind. And then it was with self loathing and self disgust over what I did. OW just wasn't that important. Now she has no importance whatsoever.