MuddyWaters Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Maybe I'm posting this out of pure frustration. I have been happily married for 23 years, but I'm stuck in a situation that I don't know how to deal with. My wife can no longer enjoy sex because my organ size is uncomfortable for her. I'm too big for her. We have tried various lubricants, and I am able to stimulate her to orgasm, but that just gets her more tense instead of relaxed. We are at a point where she basically pushes me away from a sexual encounter because she knows that it will be painful. She is willing to provide a hand to get me relieved, if you know what I mean, but she is not orally oriented, so the helping hand is a pretty weak substitute. I've been patient because I love her very much, but I'm concerned that an opportunity will arise that just plain puts me in a very serious decision-making spot. This is a legitimate post, not a boast post. Is there a solution here?
Matilda Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Has she seen her doctor about this problem? I'm assuming that at one point the sex was pleasurable for her, since you said "My wife can no longer enjoy sex...". I'm just wondering what has changed for her. Has she had children? I also find it odd that she is more tense after orgasm. And one last question, is this a length problem or a width problem?
Author MuddyWaters Posted July 8, 2004 Author Posted July 8, 2004 She will be asking her doc (female) about the situation during her next visit. While I do bottom out, especially in certain positions, i.e. doggy style, it's mainly a girth issue. I wish I could joke about it, but it's really frustrating to have to "plan" each encounter and "accomodate" the situation. Sex is supposed to be spontaneous and mutual, and now it's like walking on eggshells.
sami Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Try to find out if there are hidden psychological issues or problems behind her turning off and pushing you away. Women are naturally equipped to take in and comfortably accomodate for mutual pleasure and satisfaction almost any man any size unless you have some special siuation that you may need to see your doctor for. It is not always women who must see their doctors. Men may have problems too. It goes for both .
Kasey70 Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Hi, After 23 years of marriage has she just recently expressed to you this, or has she always felt this way? If its something she just all of a sudden started feeling, as long as you all have been married, it may be more of a pyscholigcal thing. Especially if shes pushing you away etc. Maybe sit down with her and find out what the real problem is. Possibly suggest counseling to her for the both of you. I'm sure this can be worked out, just have to know exactly what you're dealing with first. Best of luck.
moimeme Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 You can't after 23 years, suddenly have become 'too large'. Besides, a woman is built to be able to have a whole baby human pass through her vagina so it's not really possible for you to be perennially 'too big'. She may be suffering from a form of vaginismus or some other medical/psychological situation. Good she's going to the doc!
dudesomewhere Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 I was going to initially post a goofy ass comment based off the thread title...something like boohoo, I'm not too big for anyone and that ain't a good thing...Or I'm too small for everyone, etc...so I guess there you have that part but 23 years? What moi said. And I'm not sure if this is a tale but they've said that they have to sometimes create pain in some women during child labor because to some women it's too enjoyable...like a really big schlong. So yeah, I wouldn't know what that would be like...to make women feel so pleasured with something big (score!). Any truth to that ladies? the 23 year thing got me going, hmm, hmmm I say
swtbonita Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 I would also tell your wife to check if she has an infection.. also something like PID can cause abdominal pain when having sex and also alot of other diseases.. she should be checked out as soon as possible because she shouldn't be in that much pain after 23 years.. i don't think its psychological
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Some women are smaller than others. I am extremely small and I have experienced the inability to have intercourse with someone because they were too big for me. Granted our bodies can accommodate having a baby, but sex isn't having a baby and our bodies aren't responding that way. However, considering that this is after 23 years, I would have to agree with others that something else may be the problem. She should visit a doctor to find out why it is so painful. And why isn't she orally oriented? Does she not like it or is she not good at it? If she's not good, teach her. That would be so sexy in my opinion!
sami Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Oral sex will never be an adequate replacement for the wonderful pleasure of the intercourse and the good & hot intimacy. You both have to see your doctors for this problem. Time is running out for both of you. For me personally every day in a seriously sexless marital life counts. Sex for means intercourse. Anythings else are only serious advances that will lead to it.
kirkyswife Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 our vaginas are built to give birth to a child - his organ isn't that big so it means she can stretch to fit him. I suggest that she get on top - that way she can control how deep or far down she wants to go - let her sit all the way down on it and move and then as time progresses she'll be able to take it. Also, she can lay on you, once she's sat down and you can move into her - she's not going to be fully penetrated but she wont hurt and you'll get off. Also, I agree with a few posts that she should check with her GYN to find out if she has an infection like Yeast or Bacterial Vaginosis or PID even - that can create pain if it goes untreated. My husband is extremely large (and I am not boasting or exaggerating) and I got on top and sat right down on it and laid back and let him move inside me and slowly we were able to Doggystyle and then other positions - it takes some time to stretch it - so be patient and Good Luck
Author MuddyWaters Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Thanks for the input. The fact that she has been willing to discuss the problem at all is a plus. That and the fact that she will be bringing it up with the doc. This problem is fairly recent, and she has made it clear that she doesn't think that she's repelling me for any psychological reasons, that it is a physical discomfort. But... You guys touched on something important; The psychology of sex after so many years. She's become a little paranoid about menopause, even though she is still fairly young. So is she encouraging menopausal effects without realizing it? We will be empty nesters in a couple of months, and naturally I'm thinking "yeah, time for some one-on-one", but she's going to miss her (college-bound) baby. I'll miss him too, simply because he's a great kid, but I look at it a little more pragmatically; Time to stretch your wings, learn about the real world and all that. Maybe these types of stresses (or others) are at play here too. Very frustrating.
fredrolin Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 at least she offers you a "hand". With my wife I don't even get that, I have to use my own.
HokeyReligions Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 I'm glad you mentioned menopause. That was my first thought when you said you had been married for 23 years. I started menopause at age 32. Early, but not unheard of. Besides the physical changes in her body, if menopause is the culprit and I highly suspect it is, her homones and emotions and psychology are changing too. Letting go of a child is different for her. Its hard to let go. It is a HUGE and traumatic adjustment for the parents who become empty nesters. Lots of marriages do not survive this. I'm not saying that yours won't, but I know more people who divorced during this time then who stayed together. All the years of parenting have changed you and changed your wife. There is no going back to the way things were before you had children. No way. You have to go forward and discover the changes in yourselves and in each other and love them. Something you said that really concerns me is [color=blue]"I'm concerned that an opportunity will arise that just plain puts me in a very serious decision-making spot." [/color] You love your wife. You have been married a long time. That possible decision should be a no-brainer for you. I don't mean this sarcastically. But I'm wondering if its more than just the sex that has you afraid you will make the wrong decision. In your circumstance, based on what you posted here, I would highly recommend that you both get good physicals, and get into some counseling that is designed for couples who are finding themselves in an empty nest. There are coping techniques and communication techniques that you may find helpful in the <removed> website. Read the information and take the quizes together--they were VERY helpful for my husband and I and our communication has improved and our stress levels have dropped. Her doctor will check her out and hopefully will be able to recommend some items that will make it more comfortable for her. Have you tried KY Warming Liquid yet? You can pick that up in a drug store. You also may need to learn some new tecniques that are more applicable to your age and health. Trying to rocket like a 17 year old, when you are in a 50 year old body just does not achieve the same results! Good luck, don't give up, and stay committed to your wife and your marriage. I'm sure you have weathered some tough times together in the last 23 years. This problem will not last forever either.
tigeress Posted July 19, 2004 Posted July 19, 2004 My first husband was too large. Length wise not girth wise, so it does happen. But if there wasn't a problem before then I say it is a medical problem. She needs to speak with her doctor. Also if she is suffering from stress or dealing with some emotional problems these can contibute to the tension.
Midnight Magic Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Come over and see me I won't complain about how big you are
prowler1 Posted October 24, 2004 Posted October 24, 2004 I can say that penis size can be a problem.I am not bragging but my wife also sometimes complains about the size of my member.The problem i have is length wise.She also talks about me going to deep or "bottoming out"I can tell you by the look on her face it is painfull.so even if women are made for giving birth there is more to it then just that.
whatnext Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 I've had a similar experience that we got to the bottom of eventually. Things to probably look to first would be any complications from her last baby, (if she had one), that could have left her scarred from the episiotomy; then any infections or even medications that can cause irritations or senstivity (simple yeast infections and certain birth control pills can thow a gritty wrench into things), and then begin to look to the psychological/emotional changes that may have altered the experience for her. From a purely practical standpoint, try the relatively-new KY Ultra Gel - it seems to be the most 'slippery' and lasts very well too. Whatever you do, try to be supportive and understanding, even if you don't really believe or understand it, or you're sure to add 'psychological factors' to the list of things to deal with. Could also just be that her body is begging to go through menopause as someone else said, which can lead to vaginal distrophy, making her less able to accomodate you. HRT could help. As far as the arguments that her body is designed to accomodate a baby's head and should have no problem with any man, it unfortunately doesn't work that way, with hormones taking over that relax the tissues in the region considerably, including even the ligaments tying the hips together, moving the position of the uterus, etc. And also keep in mind that even with that biological aide, most will still turn to drugs and/or surgery to make the passage a little more comfortable. In our case, she was on a birth control pill that was making her susceptible to yeast infections, and created a very grainy, abrasive environment to deal with. Interesting topic
thinkingtoomuch Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 I'm with Midnight Magic on this one - come see me! The bigger the better! I am a petite girl and my husband is on the large side. It is better to be filled up, wiggle room leaves a lot to be desired. Have her start on top to get 'warmed up', then switch to missionary position with her legs inside yours. Mmmmm....
faux Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Hmm. On a somewhat similar note, my girlfriend and I recently took our relationship to new levels, despite the fact that I did not want to do this based on emotional baggage from my past. I am happy she shared her virginity with me, but cannot stand how much I hurt her! Brandy is a little woman as well, five foot tall and ninety-five pounds, and every time we engage in intercourse she just hurts far too much after five or ten minutes, which is not enough time for me to, well, finish. I hope that, with time, and with even MORE foreplay/allowing her to be in control, her body may grow accustomed to things. I always get harped on for alluding to dimensions through plugging of condom brands, so I will refrain. This is a distressing situation, and it certainly is not helping me want to make love to her any more; I was already afraid of physically hurting the poor girl.
Recommended Posts