starbeck123 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Ok here goes... This might end up being quite long, as I feel I just need to get it all out there. So bear with me. Just over 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend of 9 months ended our relationship. I have just turned 22, and he has just turned 25. I have just finished university and he is doing a PHD. 9 months might not sound like a long time, but he was my first love, my first relationship, and we were very much in love with each other. We had a great relationship, never argued, got on great with each other. I couldn't have been happier. In fact, it's the happiest I have ever been in my whole life, and I do not say that lightly. I have always had confidence issues, I struggled with coming out as gay, and ended up in some pretty dark places at times. But this guy made me feel loved, confident, and basically better than I had ever felt before. He used to tell me I was too good for him, that he felt like he had to pinch himself at times as he couldn't believe his luck. But I was the lucky one. He is an incredible person. Full of life, funny, positive, handsome, I could go on and on. I was generally a more positive person, met great friends through him and I've never looked better in my whole life. My friends and family always commented on how much happier I seemed. For me, the break was completely out of the blue. Nothing had gone wrong, there were no warning signs, nothing. To put that in more context, the day before we had picked a 2 week holiday for later in the summer. That sudden. He told me that after much thinking and soul searching, he thought we should end things. He said it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. Of course I went into complete panic and shock, hysterical crying, the lot. He said it had been on his mind for a couple of months. The main reason he had done it is because in just over a year's time he wants to go traveling around the world for a year. It's something he has always wanted to do with his life. As well as this, he would be away a lot this summer and we would barely see each other. He said the holiday had made him realize that our relationship was "too perfect", that he had been having anxiety about the fact that one day he would have to leave me to go traveling. He explained that if we were still together in a year's time, imagine how much harder it would be (whether or not we broke up or not before he went traveling). He kept saying that it was what was best for me, that I deserved better and that it wouldn't be fair on me. The most painful part was him saying that to this day he loved me more than I could ever know, that he could see a future with me, and that he didn't think he would ever do better than me. But that sometimes in life we have to make decisions like this, even though they are incredibly hard. He told me that he didn't care how much this hurt him, that I was his number 1 priority and he wanted to do what was best for me. Being in a state of shock and denial, at first I couldn't accept it. I felt that if we talked things through properly and worked through things that we could make it work. But as we text each other over the next couple of days, I began to realize that what he was saying made sense. As much as it killed me inside, I knew that in the long run, it was for the best. The first couple of weeks were horrendous. I was completely and utterly crushed and I have honestly never felt worse in my entire life. The crying was the worst, hours and hours of crying and that unbearable feeling in your chest that you just can't get rid of. I couldn't eat or sleep for over a week. I would talk to friends and family, but no matter what anyone said, I didn't feel any better. I had lost the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I just couldn't feel positive about anything no matter how hard I tried. The thing I have found hardest is keeping busy. I have just finished university and am really struggling to find a job. As well as this, I have continued to live in the city where I went to uni, and the vast majority of the friends I have made at uni have now moved away/back home. The loneliness and lack of direction has made things so much worse, and it just feels like everything is getting to me at once. I have found myself questioning so many things in my life, as if that crippling lack of confidence and self-doubt is creeping back in. I just want to get back to my normal self. I have got to the point that I've stopped talking to friends about it as I feel like they'll get sick of hearing about it. I've tried to socialize, but as hard as I try not to be I just feel miserable and don't have anything to say. While the crying may have eased, it's the little things that really set me off at the minute. Yesterday I was eating my dinner, and my fork scraped between my teeth. This is a bad habit of mine, and was something he always used to affectionately tell me off for. I burst into tears and for the rest of the night felt completely miserable. One thing that has provided a light at the end of the tunnel is the fact that we want to maintain a friendship after all of this has settled down. We have stayed in contact. Not to the same level that we were when in the relationship, but just casual texting. Some people may completely disagree with that, but I am under no illusions here, I know our relationship is over and I am not clinging onto any hope that we will get back together. We have said goodbye to our relationship and I have accepted it. I may not be lucky enough to have him as my partner anymore, but I would sure as hell consider myself lucky to have him in my life as a friend. We are taking our time with this, as obviously you don't turn a relationship from romantic to platonic with the flick of a switch. I told him it is a good thing that he is so busy and will away so much over the next couple of months, as we will not see each other/bump into each other. So as much as we love each other and as much as we want to be together, we can't be. The thought that he will never be mine again kills me. As heartbreaking as it is to say it, we have met at the wrong time in our lives :(
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