Barrsitter Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Well, lots of you had lots to say about my breaking NC. xMM and I messaged a few times for about one month but in the end, there really wasn't much to say after he wrote: "Sorry Babe, but I just can't get there from here". I remember my Grade 6 teacher saying "can't" means Certainly Are Not Trying. One thing I've learned. A relationship is like a plant. Starve it of daily care, sunshine, fertilizer and water, and pretty soon, you've got a dead plant on your hands.
mercy Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 One thing I've learned. A relationship is like a plant. Starve it of daily care, sunshine, fertilizer and water, and pretty soon, you've got a dead plant on your hands. Stop placing that precious flower (you) in a patch of weeds (him) every master gardener knows weeds will choke the life out of a beautiful garden (your life).
FelicityShot Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 (edited) One thing I've learned. A relationship is like a plant. Starve it of daily care, sunshine, fertilizer and water, and pretty soon, you've got a dead plant on your hands. A R will certainly suffer under these circumstances. However, a) an obsession may thrive in the desert - the thirst for that oasis doesn't dim b) love has it's own way - love may happily thrive on very little, especially if the 'plant' has been 'genetically' programmed for this c) NC is a way of burying things under the carpet rather than a proper funeral - it will surface, for all the parties concerned I would suggest, without a great deal of certainty but with a little humour, that once the R plant is dead, these other things remain. If you have the means to cut the cords that keep you attached here, then cut them and suffer the broken legs. If it was an obsession, you will rise like a phoenix - hardly hurt at all. If love, you will never be rid of it, and must tie it in with whoever you evolve into as you mend. And if the NC was wrong, there will be a seed which will re-grow - it's a self-seeding wildflower - gardeners love and hate them. Added - sorry about this - can't resist a gardening metaphor - I know next to nothing really, and only liked the ideas Edited July 16, 2012 by FelicityShot
Author Barrsitter Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Felicity - very thought-provoking post! Thank you.
Author Barrsitter Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Mercy - love your tag at the bottom....that could be describing me
Author Barrsitter Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Lady Grey - are we done? Only God knows that for sure.....
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Lady Grey - are we done? Only God knows that for sure..... No. YOU can be sure if you want to be. I get the feeling deep down you still are hoping that eventually he'll choose you. And you'll accept him back with open arms. It'll end when you are really ready to let go in every way and truly let yourself grieve the loss, the dream of him being yours.
Author Barrsitter Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 With respect LG, in my world, God does know more than I and with this remark, I'm not spoiling to have a debate about faith. I have seen in my life that I may have my plans but God has His purposes for my life.
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Lady Grey - are we done? Only God knows that for sure..... If you have to leave it up to some unknown, alleged power then no, you're not done. Is that okay with you?
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 With respect LG, in my world, God does know more than I and with this remark, I'm not spoiling to have a debate about faith. I have seen in my life that I may have my plans but God has His purposes for my life. If you want to be done with the R, you'll be done with it. But you have to take responsibility and act on it. It's your call. No one can end the cycle on your behalf, my friend. 4
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 And.. While we are on gardening, there is a beautiful light blue flower called Love in the Mist and when it sets seed it looks all horned and devilish, and then is known as Devil in the Bush/Mist. I'm not sure if that adds anything, but if so...... Well, ask BNB.
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 With respect LG, in my world, God does know more than I and with this remark, I'm not spoiling to have a debate about faith. I have seen in my life that I may have my plans but God has His purposes for my life. People have free will and make their own decisions. In your heart, do you feel like it's completely over with your exMM? Or do you think that if he does leave (a year, two years) and comes back into your life after more NC, would you take him back? This is a question you should be able answer. 1
truthbetold Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 With respect LG, in my world, God does know more than I and with this remark, I'm not spoiling to have a debate about faith. I have seen in my life that I may have my plans but God has His purposes for my life. God would NEVER put a married man in your life to tempt you. That's not God. A temptation for you clearly, but it ain't coming from God. A test? quite possibly God may allow that, but God doesn't create this confusion. Humans create the confusion with their free will. Absolutely we plan, God laughs. But you can't twist scripture to mean something it doesn't.
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 With respect LG, in my world, God does know more than I and with this remark, I'm not spoiling to have a debate about faith. I have seen in my life that I may have my plans but God has His purposes for my life. So without going into the faith thing too much, where are you at re your own plans as they lie contingent with God's?
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 God would NEVER put a married man in your life to tempt you. That's not God. A temptation for you clearly, but it ain't coming from God. A test? quite possibly God may allow that, but God doesn't create this confusion. Humans create the confusion with their free will. Absolutely we plan, God laughs. But you can't twist scripture to mean something it doesn't. I can only think as I am reading the Old Testament to my atheist 6 year old son, at his request, that God did put the serpent in the garden? And then got all ANGRY. And after that, so very VENGEFUL. My friend says God can't possibly have known about free will.
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 People have free will and make their own decisions. In your heart, do you feel like it's completely over with your exMM? Or do you think that if he does leave (a year, two years) and comes back into your life after more NC, would you take him back? This is a question you should be able answer. Why should she be able to answer? I am curious.
MissBee Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 The breakup NC cycle is pretty predictable for most people. It usually takes some back and forth for a while before you're completely done. When I see someone go from one week missing the person, to the next, they break NC and say now they have closure-I don't believe it ---not because I don't have faith in them and their willpower, but because I've been through it enough and have seen it enough to know how that whole thing works. It usually opens more than it closes. As for if you're done? Probably not. Just because, when you're done, you know it. There is no chance or fate left back. God may have a plan, but when you're done, God's plan would have to be a total surprise to you...as you're so far from even wanting or thinking to have anything to do with this person, IME. When you're not done...there is always some hope left or uncertainty. I'm completely over my ex now, and if someone asked if I was done, I'd not hesitate to say yes. I wouldn't say "Only God knows". Not because of a lack of belief in God, but simply because when you know...you don't really frame things in that way. I am so far from wanting or caring about him in that way, that if God had some other plan I would truly be knocked over with a feather because my own feelings ---or lack of any kind of feeling toward him--- are so apparent. So yea...I think when you're done you're done and you still have a bit more time left on your being done watch. You'll eventually get there though . 1
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 So yea...I think when you're done you're done and you still have a bit more time left on your being done watch. You'll eventually get there though . Get where Miss Bee?
MissBee Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Get where Miss Bee? To the Land of Done, which usually comes with indifference. At that point, this most likely won't even be a conversation she would be having as she'd feel pretty certain that she could care less.
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 To the Land of Done, which usually comes with indifference. At that point, this most likely won't even be a conversation she would be having as she'd feel pretty certain that she could care less. Well, yes I guessed. I do wonder why people want to get to such an unfeeling place, but I can't deny they do.
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Well, yes I guessed. I do wonder why people want to get to such an unfeeling place, but I can't deny they do. If the other option is pining indefinitely for an unrequited love then it makes perfect sense to me. 4
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 If the other option is pining indefinitely for an unrequited love then it makes perfect sense to me. I don't think this is the either / or. Indifference or pining? Sophie's choice.
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I don't think this is the either / or. Indifference or pining? Sophie's choice. Not for me. I choose the one that doesn't hurt and allows me to move on. For me personally the choice is very simple. Indifference now absolutely does not stop me acknowledging and/or celebrating how I felt back then, however, and how important it was.
MissBee Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) Well, yes I guessed. I do wonder why people want to get to such an unfeeling place, but I can't deny they do. I don't see it as an unfeeling place. You are no longer romantically attached anymore, that's it. It's not as if you've now lost the ability to have a full range of emotions as a person lol---you just don't have an attachment to this particular person any longer, that controls you, hurts you and upsets your life. If someone is not going to be in a relationship with you, it would suit you to get over them. This is how we humans work. Minus trauma, most of us live, love and move on. We may care about someone as a human being, but could you imagine if after you broke up you continued to feel as strongly for every single person you are no longer with?? It would be a nightmare. Indifference for me isn't that I now would see an ex in the streets dying and ignore them...it's that what they choose to do or not do no longer bothers my life, takes center stage and affects my emotions. They are now people, like any other, who can live their lives without me feeling like they owe me something. I am neither in love with them nor hate them. They are simply human beings...not on a pedestal and not scum. This move is very useful and normal. We learn to adapt and when we break up with people, we adapt and make room to love others, by getting to a place where we're no longer attached to the old person. Edited July 16, 2012 by MissBee 5
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I don't see it as an unfeeling place. You are no longer romantically attached anymore, that's it. It's not as if you've now lost the ability to have a full range of emotions as a person lol---you just don't have an attachment to this particular person any longer, that controls you, hurts you and upsets your life. If someone is not going to be in a relationship with you, it would suit you to get over them. This is how we humans work. Minus trauma, most of us live, love and move on. We may care about someone as a human being, but could you imagine if after you broke up you continued to feel as strongly for every single person you are no longer with?? It would be a nightmare. Indifference for me isn't that I now would see an ex in the streets dying and ignore them...it's that what they choose to do or not do no longer bothers my life, takes center stage and affects my emotions. They are now people, like any other, who can live their lives without me feeling like they owe me something. I am neither in love with them nor hate them. They are simply human beings...not on a pedestal and not scum. This move is very useful and normal. We learn to adapt and when we break up with people, we adapt and make room to love others, by getting to a place where we're no longer attached to the old person. Thank you for this MB. I like the clarity of your position. I think for me, there is a difference between a) attached and b) connected by a history of love and/or family. The way I work isn't like what you describe at all - perhaps that is a problem, or perhaps it is just another way to be. I am not sure whether if you look at things with different lenses - close up, wide angle, taking in the depth of field etc - if you might see one way as 'better'. I remain unpersuaded that we should move on finding people we have loved as currently unremarkable, although I can see a laying to rest as healthy in terms of making room for someone else. Everything I ever hear about someone I have once loved will touch me - I am built that way. Not because I am attached or needing something, though that can also be the case. My heart would still leap for joy to hear of the happiness of someone I had once loved but now no longer know. I just honestly do not move on in the way you describe - and have been like that always. I'm sure it's a two sided coin in either case. It's also a case of fighting dogma - the dogma that indifference will lead you to a pain free existence - well I am mistrustful of all dogma anyway. So I would say to people looking to find answers - indifference may = exactly coldness one day, if you practice it with certainty and often enough.
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