today i struggle so much... yes, i have codependcy issues as well

July 15, 2012

hi everyone

so i went onto NC with her, finally, yet i still get a random sms from her just saying that she had a bad day.

i did not reply

i had a great weekend with a very good friend of mine, we spoke a lot about me moving on and all.

but now that i am back home it hurts so much. i have not looked at her fb, nor replied. but she is just on my mind, im anxious again, stressed, sad, wondering what she is doing, what she did the weekend, who was she with and basically just feel like crying. I feel really sad and down again. Like how i felt for the first two weeks where i just stayed in bed, crying.

i thought i would be better - and this bad day, its really killing me... help? advise?

ironically this weekend i was so positive that it wont affect me again..

hence i came back here to look for comfort.

July 15, 2012

hi everyone

so i went onto NC with her, finally, yet i still get a random sms from her just saying that she had a bad day.

i did not reply

i had a great weekend with a very good friend of mine, we spoke a lot about me moving on and all.

but now that i am back home it hurts so much. i have not looked at her fb, nor replied. but she is just on my mind, im anxious again, stressed, sad, wondering what she is doing, what she did the weekend, who was she with and basically just feel like crying. I feel really sad and down again. Like how i felt for the first two weeks where i just stayed in bed, crying.

i thought i would be better - and this bad day, its really killing me... help? advise?

ironically this weekend i was so positive that it wont affect me again..

hence i came back here to look for comfort.

I am so sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you feel. How long have you maintained NC so far? And long were you with your ex?

July 15, 2012

I am so sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you feel. How long have you maintained NC so far? And long were you with your ex?

Hi TTDAN,

i have had a few threads thats why i didnt want to burden everybody with reading through it all again

We were together for three years,im 27, she is 26, we lived together for roughly 2 of those years while she completed her masters, then I moved abroad (to Germany), we broke up, as our relationship had several problems (ie, she didnt enjoy sex with me anymore as she lost the sexual attraction - which was sad as there were always girls interested me where I could get it from, if i wanted, but i didnt). After breaking up we were still in touch constantly (daily basis) and with time apart I realised how the relationship could be fixed, what the problems were, so after 6 months I flew back to South Africa to visit her, but she did not want to get back together. However it felt like we were back together, the way we chatted and daily conversation. Then in June she came to visit me in europe as we did a euro road trip. It was a great trip, but nothing what i expected from her side. She came and treated me as if i was a friend... Which was quite saddening.

She left, saying that I must move on with my life, that she loves me, that she is not in love with me and most of all - she does not know if she even wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

i then cried 2 weeks, begged her to realize that she must realize that we can fix it, that we know what the problem is and that we should solve it. it was the realization that i lost her and that to move on, i must say bye. obviously it pushed her more away as she got frustrated (her own words). still when i didnt contact her, she sends me a text rougly twice a week. each time it puts me back on square 1.

last time we spoke i asked why she texts me and is so nice. she answered that she is feeling sorry for me and does not want to be nasty. - great, sypmpathy :/

We spoke about the solution once more and how it could work if we both try (i was talking about the solution, she put the phone on speaker and did whatever - not being interested and really frustrated) and then she said that she supported my move to Germany as she wanted out of the relationship for a while but it was real comfortable for her. As I supported her with her masters and we living together was comforting and easy - and well, i was good for her.

It was then I was finally over replying to her messages, as I realized that she only texts me when she is drinking OR when she had a bad day. also that i dont enjoy the emotional abuse, nor the emotional depencey. Thereyby providing her the emotional comfort that she wants and craves, somehow I offer her the best of both worlds. her being Single and still getting comfort from me, while she is out with other people (ie guys as well).

I dont look at her fb (except that day), but still I cant get her out of my mind, and when I get these silly texts, just saying "emotional nerve wrecking day", it sort of does play with my feelings. It makes me think of her and well, it sucks.

THe friend I visited came out of a similar situation, and it really helps taling to her, as she understands. I am perfectly fine and then BAM.

So to answer your question, the last time we spoke was last monday. Hence 6 days to the day...

Thank you for your time, and understanding

PS: I believe i know why i am the way i am - codependency, she has got a narcissistic way to her (not too extreme), i know that NC is good BUT i really struggle with everything... which is ironic i think, as i enjoy telling other people how to carry one and how pick themselved up from the ground but i cant...

Edited July 15, 2012 by magneet

July 15, 2012

Wow...as a guy, I know how the sexual thing can be damaging to the ego. Especially if you allow yourself to truly believe and absorb her negative feelings about it. You didn't get too specific as to what the problem is. But, just promise me you won't let her interpretation of performance, feelings, etc. taint you for any other women. My ex told me a few years into our relationship that she didn't like sex. I blamed myself for years, that I was maybe trying too many things that she didn't like, or perhaps I was inadequate to her, or maybe I was too much for her, blah, blah, blah. To make matters worse...when we had our on again, off again episodes, she always seem too get skittish after we slept together (doing something that I like, as opposed to her preference). So, when you say narcissism, perhaps she had a little of that as well. It seemed like it always was about her needs as our time together progressed.

In regards to her texting you, I'm also in the process of NC. This is probably my 90th try. But, I say it's the most unique try. I have not checked FB in over a year. And I basically, just jumped right into NC, without warning. Also, I now have LS, more knowledge of self (my own issues), and things are good in my life outside of her. So, I believe there is more hope for me this time. Btw, I'm almost a month of actual NC...small, but huge for me.

I would actually love to receive a text from her. It's immature, but at least I would know I'm on her mind. But, the mature side of me says, I may feel like you if I do hear from her...back at square one. Have you thought about telling her you need some space?

July 15, 2012

Firstly congrats on the accomplishment.

Secondly I will have a bit more detailed reply tomorrow, responding properly - but it's already after one am here hence I need to go to bed as I need to get up tomorrow morning for work.

July 16, 2012

Firstly congrats on the accomplishment.
Secondly I will have a bit more detailed reply tomorrow, responding properly - but it's already after one am here hence I need to go to bed as I need to get up tomorrow morning for work.

I am looking forward to your response. Feel free to PM me if you need to. Have a wonderful day at work (stress-free).

July 16, 2012

I am looking forward to your response. Feel free to PM me if you need to. Have a wonderful day at work (stress-free).

I think I am too scared to make that move to tell her I need the space. In those direct words. Even though last time we spoke it was what it boiled down to, so maybe I was not that direct as I wanted to have been, but she definitely does know it. She suggested it multiple times, we only fought over the phone lately, and well – I mean she said I must stop, I must let her go and I must move on. Which I did after each conversation, we even decided not to talk for the whole of July, which lasted 2 days as she broke all the other NC attempts.

Today, I woke up thinking of her, having her on my mind the whole time – freaking nuts.

With regard to the problems: Geez, where to start haha.

Its such a long list, and every year the problems delved into something else. It probably all started when we got together, as a fantastic girl as she was, there was no spark. Nor did she spend any time with me, she was obsessed with her studies. I mean working 24/7. Not going out, not going for drinks, not spending time with any friends of hers, and even less with mine as she did not like my friends. She wanted more of a friendship when we got together, and I guess my eyes started wandering. I did not cheat on her, but did have contact with girls that were interested in me.

The next thing was that she cut off emotionally – or so she said, that she stopped caring. Then she had to move in with me as her father sold her apartment. I then kind of got scared as living together felt too serious for me at that stage. So that was a bad year and the sex pretty much stopped then.

In this time she broke up with me 3 times, after which I took back each time.

I then moved to Cape town, got my own place and she came to stay with me 6 out of 7 days. Things were pretty damn awesome. Except still no sex, only cuddles, and only had a good time when we went to the movies together, or dining. Occasionally we had fun together. Everybody thought we were the dream couple though. But the erotic and physical presence was missing. She was my best friend, but not my girlfriend – if it makes sense.

I think the main thing was that we were not inlove. But we could not go a day without each other.

I must say the support she offered me in my life was tremendous, I was able to get my university life cleaned up – became a top tier pupil, got accepted into a good post-course – I had a life changer.

I was frustrated to say the least, I did everything for her, always. She always put her own needs above my own and in a way I wanted to end the relationship for a long time as well if she was not able to change her mindset about us or me.

With the time apart, as I mentioned I figured a lot out, how to solve it and I just wanted her to realize it as well so that we could try again.

In retrospect what was wrong? I think that is tough to say as so many things went pearshaped over time. Yet I always had or kept hope. Maybe I was just too scared to let her go?

The funny thing was when I saw her in April it was pretty awesome between us and I could see a future, but when I saw her in July it somehow changed. I thought, damn, I could do better, I could be with someone where my opinion is valued and where I get to say a word as well (she talks non stop and if I talk, well, she doesn’t listen).

Just to interrupt my own story, before I flew back to SA in April I met a girl in Germany, man, did we hit it off, I got to talk, I was energetic, it was fun (even the sex was amazing), she was into me, but that’s it, I could not imagine dating a girl like that- and in all fairness it just made me miss my ex more. That is when I realized I want to be with her and how we could solve all these problems. Thus airplane back to her.

All of this confuses me, why I feel the way I do, the hope I have, still have. The thought saddens me of not having her in my life anymore, not having a future with her. As I love her morals and values, how she is. But it just does not seem to be working together greatly when we are together.

Hence certain days I feel positive without her, maybe 2 days, and the other 5 I am miserable. This has been going on for 9 months…

I gym, I am busy over weekends and in the evenings surf the net, apply for jobs and well, spend time with myself.

I hope this was not toooooo mixed up.

The bottom line is I held on to the hope that she would fall in love with me, and after breaking up I realized I want her back.

PS: I blame myself that it didnt work, and for everything that I did wrong. I want her to miss me, thats why I want to keep up this NC.

I want to move back home to SA, Cape Town. And deep down I want her to move back as well (she is now living in Johannesbur, 1500 km nooth of cape town)

July 16, 2012

I am looking forward to your response. Feel free to PM me if you need to. Have a wonderful day at work (stress-free).

This might seem odd - but I dont know how to send a PM?

July 16, 2012

That was an excellent recap of your relationship. I noticed some very good things right off the top and some questionable things. I will respond fully when I get off of work this evening.

If you have enough posts to be able to PM, you should be able to click on the name of the user and the choice will be in the drop-down menu.

Btw, stay strong with he NC. I can't begin to tell you how good I feel today after realizing it's been a mth. since I last corresponded with my ex. And even bigger it's been years since she has been a strong presence in my life at all. Which means I don't need her and I can even achieve amazing things without her!

July 16, 2012

Congratulations on the one month

Im glad to hear thats its going well, one needs these little victories...

Thanks for putting the effort in, it really helps. I am looking forward to a reply.

July 16, 2012

I have been in your shoes, more than a couple of times. You get to the point where you just don't know what to do with yourself, you don't know how to feel. You want to talk to someone about it, the 2nd you get that person on the phone, you don't want to talk about it anymore. You're up, you're down, you're hungry, you have no appetite. You wake up in the middle of the night and burst out into painful tears. You basically want to crawl out of your skin and take a break from the constant pain.

Well...yes. I can tell you. From experience, you are definitely not alone...and yes. The pain does go away. You unfortunately need to go through all 5 stages first. That's how you can gauge how you're doing.

1. denial

2. anger

3. bargaining

4. depression

5. acceptance

There's not escaping it. You just roll with the punches.

I know this may be very little of a consolation, but after having my heart ripped to shreds (like I said, more than once), I look back and realize how wrong my exes were for me. I was so jaded, caught up in the...honestly....i don't know what I was so caught up in about them. They were amazing. Now...here it is, 10 years later, one of them is bald and the size of a house (LOL!!!) and the other is living and mooching off his currently girlfriend (blood sucking leech). If it had worked out with any of them, I wouldn't be with the most amazing person I am with today. He's my match in every way and I'm so happy with him.

Careful what you wish for, you just might get it, and it may not be the right one for you. Let go and let God. Let life take over and stop trying to control your ex and the entire situation. You can't do anything about. Just take a deep breath and let it go. Stop thinking about what she's doing, you're only torturing yourself unecessarily. You don't know what she's doing, anymore than you know what she's NOT doing. So stop beating yourself up and just live life and prepare yourself for that amazing woman who will one day walk into your life and blow your mind, more than this other girl ever could have. You just can't see it, because you haven't experience it yet. Take it from someone who's been there. It DOES get better. I promise....and you WILL get over it.

July 16, 2012

thanks Crila16

it was a real nice post to read. Motivating and i think what one needs to hear some stuff regulary and from the horses mouth to keep strong.

To be honest i wish I could just stop these emotions and thoughts But i am glad and thankful that we have this forum to fall back on.

Thank you for sharing your story. Funny thing is after my first LTR I thought OK, now I know how to handle it, I wont be the same of next time...

Oh was I wrong

I am all chatty now, maybe tomorrow will be a good day. As I said I just wish there was a way that we could get rid of these non stop thoughts about the other person...

From this morning, all day during work, during gym, even during planning my next weekend away with a couple of friends the thoughts jsut stay there. The damn mind.

thanks for the wise words...

July 16, 2012

When I read your post and description of what your relationship was like, I just thought, man he can and will do so much better. I can't relate to the lack of sexual chemistry, but a lot of the other stuff I can. I often felt that my ex gf put her needs ahead of mine. She spent most of the fifteen months we were together, conflicted and not sure if she wanted to be with me. She ended things many times over this time period and it was emotionally exhausting to say the least.

Give yourself a month or two of NC, then come back and re-read your posts. You will realize that she wasn't gf material for you no matter how you felt. She really was just being a "friend" and not a girlfriend. Plus when a women doesn't show interest in what you have to say, and says she's not attracted to you or not interested in sex with you, it's her issue, not yours and you deserve better.

Don't settle for less than what you deserve!

July 17, 2012

I think I am too scared to make that move to tell her I need the space. In those direct words. Even though last time we spoke it was what it boiled down to, so maybe I was not that direct as I wanted to have been, but she definitely does know it. She suggested it multiple times, we only fought over the phone lately, and well – I mean she said I must stop, I must let her go and I must move on. Which I did after each conversation, we even decided not to talk for the whole of July, which lasted 2 days as she broke all the other NC attempts.

Today, I woke up thinking of her, having her on my mind the whole time – freaking nuts.

With regard to the problems: Geez, where to start haha.
Its such a long list, and every year the problems delved into something else. It probably all started when we got together, as a fantastic girl as she was, there was no spark. Nor did she spend any time with me, she was obsessed with her studies. I mean working 24/7. Not going out, not going for drinks, not spending time with any friends of hers, and even less with mine as she did not like my friends. She wanted more of a friendship when we got together, and I guess my eyes started wandering. I did not cheat on her, but did have contact with girls that were interested in me.

The next thing was that she cut off emotionally – or so she said, that she stopped caring. Then she had to move in with me as her father sold her apartment. I then kind of got scared as living together felt too serious for me at that stage. So that was a bad year and the sex pretty much stopped then.
In this time she broke up with me 3 times, after which I took back each time.
I then moved to Cape town, got my own place and she came to stay with me 6 out of 7 days. Things were pretty damn awesome. Except still no sex, only cuddles, and only had a good time when we went to the movies together, or dining. Occasionally we had fun together. Everybody thought we were the dream couple though. But the erotic and physical presence was missing. She was my best friend, but not my girlfriend – if it makes sense.
I think the main thing was that we were not inlove. But we could not go a day without each other.

I must say the support she offered me in my life was tremendous, I was able to get my university life cleaned up – became a top tier pupil, got accepted into a good post-course – I had a life changer.
I was frustrated to say the least, I did everything for her, always. She always put her own needs above my own and in a way I wanted to end the relationship for a long time as well if she was not able to change her mindset about us or me.

With the time apart, as I mentioned I figured a lot out, how to solve it and I just wanted her to realize it as well so that we could try again.
In retrospect what was wrong? I think that is tough to say as so many things went pearshaped over time. Yet I always had or kept hope. Maybe I was just too scared to let her go?

The funny thing was when I saw her in April it was pretty awesome between us and I could see a future, but when I saw her in July it somehow changed. I thought, damn, I could do better, I could be with someone where my opinion is valued and where I get to say a word as well (she talks non stop and if I talk, well, she doesn’t listen).

Just to interrupt my own story, before I flew back to SA in April I met a girl in Germany, man, did we hit it off, I got to talk, I was energetic, it was fun (even the sex was amazing), she was into me, but that’s it, I could not imagine dating a girl like that- and in all fairness it just made me miss my ex more. That is when I realized I want to be with her and how we could solve all these problems. Thus airplane back to her.

All of this confuses me, why I feel the way I do, the hope I have, still have. The thought saddens me of not having her in my life anymore, not having a future with her. As I love her morals and values, how she is. But it just does not seem to be working together greatly when we are together.

Hence certain days I feel positive without her, maybe 2 days, and the other 5 I am miserable. This has been going on for 9 months…
I gym, I am busy over weekends and in the evenings surf the net, apply for jobs and well, spend time with myself.

I hope this was not toooooo mixed up.

The bottom line is I held on to the hope that she would fall in love with me, and after breaking up I realized I want her back.

PS: I blame myself that it didnt work, and for everything that I did wrong. I want her to miss me, thats why I want to keep up this NC.
I want to move back home to SA, Cape Town. And deep down I want her to move back as well (she is now living in Johannesbur, 1500 km nooth of cape town)

Firstly, I respect and understand your fear to tell her you need space. I did that several times, with several different words and I would always feel bad and regret saying it to her. The reason I believe is because I wasn't truly ready to let go entirely (as I believe you are not ready). Once you get to a point (or if you get to a point) where you are fed up and realize there is nothing more you can do to salvage the relationship, you won't have to say a word. You will just walk away like I finally have. And when she contacts you, after your heart skips a beat due to nervousness and shock, you will then roll your eyes at your phone and just delete the text.

I definitely went through what I like to call the grey area, that you experienced. It's when you are still extremely prominent in each other's life, feeling as though you are still together (emotionally), with the absence of the physical activities. It's ironic, because she and I still had the physical component for awhile until I opened my big mouth and said, I think we should officially be back together since we're sleeping together. ROOKIE MISTAKE!lol Shortly, after that ended we only kissed and then that was taken away after I opened my big mouth again.

This brought us to where you say you were. "Friends with NO benefits." Depending on the female, this isn't always a bad place to be if you want her back. Some women actually don't want to have sex when they know they have deep feelings for you and they're scared of getting hurt, or giving away their power (same difference, I suppose). So, when you say she stopped caring, it makes sense that the sex was cut off. It's the only way a woman can absolutely make sure she will maintain the "not caring as much" position. So, don't feel bad about this at all.

I like how you mentioned, she offered support. This is a BIG win for you. I believe that even if a relationship does not work out, if you come out of it a better person, emotionally, financially, intelligently, or any of the other "ly's", you are a BIG winner!!

Support is exactly what you are supposed to get out of a healthy relationship. But, let's be honest...respect is far more important and it sounds like you may be receiving the opposite from her. And this was absolutely the final straw for me. My ex had several untruths. But, believe it or not, it wasn't the actual lies that gave me the strength to leave once and for all. It was HOW she lied about things. She showed me complete disrespect, which honestly means she doesn't even respect herself. One day I will have to share with you the final thing she said, that sealed the deal for me to say sayonara!!

Lastly, I think you said, something key in your post. That maybe you were just too scared to let her go. I would explore that statement and try to figure out what you truly are afraid of losing. What you said, speaks volumes. I was also afraid of not having her around for certain things. And let me tell ya, that list has diminished from maybe 10 things to two items that I really miss. But, they are things that I can get from another woman that will love me as much as I love her and most importantly RESPECT me!

July 17, 2012

When I read your post and description of what your relationship was like, I just thought, man he can and will do so much better. I can't relate to the lack of sexual chemistry, but a lot of the other stuff I can. I often felt that my ex gf put her needs ahead of mine. She spent most of the fifteen months we were together, conflicted and not sure if she wanted to be with me. She ended things many times over this time period and it was emotionally exhausting to say the least.

Give yourself a month or two of NC, then come back and re-read your posts. You will realize that she wasn't gf material for you no matter how you felt. She really was just being a "friend" and not a girlfriend. Plus when a women doesn't show interest in what you have to say, and says she's not attracted to you or not interested in sex with you, it's her issue, not yours and you deserve better.

Don't settle for less than what you deserve!

Dear TLO,

thanks for your input. I really like the advise where you said that I should come back and re-read it in a couple of months and realize she wasnt GF material.

Thanks for ending it with "dont settle for less than what you deserve". Your post was really helpful.

I was driving 7 hours for work today to go see a client and had lot of time to think and reflect. Thanks for aiding in that.

Are you on track with everything? Please feel free to share whatever you feel is necessary.

July 17, 2012

Firstly, I respect and understand your fear to tell her you need space. I did that several times, with several different words and I would always feel bad and regret saying it to her. The reason I believe is because I wasn't truly ready to let go entirely (as I believe you are not ready). Once you get to a point (or if you get to a point) where you are fed up and realize there is nothing more you can do to salvage the relationship, you won't have to say a word. You will just walk away like I finally have. And when she contacts you, after your heart skips a beat due to nervousness and shock, you will then roll your eyes at your phone and just delete the text.

I definitely went through what I like to call the grey area, that you experienced. It's when you are still extremely prominent in each other's life, feeling as though you are still together (emotionally), with the absence of the physical activities. It's ironic, because she and I still had the physical component for awhile until I opened my big mouth and said, I think we should officially be back together since we're sleeping together. ROOKIE MISTAKE!lol Shortly, after that ended we only kissed and then that was taken away after I opened my big mouth again.

This brought us to where you say you were. "Friends with NO benefits." Depending on the female, this isn't always a bad place to be if you want her back. Some women actually don't want to have sex when they know they have deep feelings for you and they're scared of getting hurt, or giving away their power (same difference, I suppose). So, when you say she stopped caring, it makes sense that the sex was cut off. It's the only way a woman can absolutely make sure she will maintain the "not caring as much" position. So, don't feel bad about this at all.

I like how you mentioned, she offered support. This is a BIG win for you. I believe that even if a relationship does not work out, if you come out of it a better person, emotionally, financially, intelligently, or any of the other "ly's", you are a BIG winner!!

Support is exactly what you are supposed to get out of a healthy relationship. But, let's be honest...respect is far more important and it sounds like you may be receiving the opposite from her. And this was absolutely the final straw for me. My ex had several untruths. But, believe it or not, it wasn't the actual lies that gave me the strength to leave once and for all. It was HOW she lied about things. She showed me complete disrespect, which honestly means she doesn't even respect herself. One day I will have to share with you the final thing she said, that sealed the deal for me to say sayonara!!

Lastly, I think you said, something key in your post. That maybe you were just too scared to let her go. I would explore that statement and try to figure out what you truly are afraid of losing. What you said, speaks volumes. I was also afraid of not having her around for certain things. And let me tell ya, that list has diminished from maybe 10 things to two items that I really miss. But, they are things that I can get from another woman that will love me as much as I love her and most importantly RESPECT me!

Hi TTDAN

Thank you on being on par with me - well, at least having been there and putting it in such a way to make me realize it. "that i am (or was not) ready".

Funny thing is, when we spoke - and she was a total bitch to me i did have the motivation to finally let go of her and move on. but sometimes its short lasted

However this time might be different. She also emailed me today - where she just forwarded something about deloitte an cloud computing (in my field) - my heart didnt skip a beat... (last contact was on friday and now again on tuesday).

(however, come to think about it maybe i got some satisfaction out of it that she contacted me...)

your "rookie" mistakes made me laugh, after opening your mouth and then loosing the "benefits" part.

Thanks for putting it into persepctive that I actually took so much away from the relationship. Which I have - I believe that was also a reason why I felt so lost after realizing i have to let her go... as she was the one who build me up.

my father used a nice analogy about us, or her and me - where he said that she was like a walking stick and i leaned on her. now someone kicked it out under me, i might have a few strides but i know how to walk and it will be A-OK...

Very true about the respect part, what you and TLO mentioned. Sad that we put up with such a lack of respect. I think the worst part of the disrespect was in the last few months, man, did she treat me bad - and i took it... None of us should take this kind of disrespect, dammit

I was also afraid of not having her around for certain things. And let me tell ya, that list has diminished from maybe 10 things to two items that I really miss. But, they are things that I can get from another woman that will love me as much as I love her and most importantly RESPECT me!

very true -and glad for that realization where the things decreased from 10 to 2 . Its weird (or funny), as we actually know so many things - but when we go through a breakup like this it is as if a lot of rational thought is just taken away from you. Thanks for you to bring us back to track.

from my side - the biggest things that i miss after spending such a long time with the person are the Future plans one had togehter, that was a big one to get over with, the inside jokes you develop and the mutual support - then the small things on how one develops a different language haha, but then ofcourse it does not ensure or make up for the lack of other and more important things (I am not sad as i wirte this, I think I am just thinking out loud and am just sharing with you ).

how are you doing? holding up? would be very interested to know what signed the deal for you?

for me a mjaor thing was when she said "stop holding on to me", even though she texted me first and then put the phone down and carried on doing other stuff when we spoke.

So in conclusion, thanks for your time i really appreciate your input, advise and hearing your side. please do tell me how things are on your side

Feel free to think out loud .

For me I really enjoy hearing all your stories, just hearing them also helps us realize different things - hence a two way street of self help.

July 18, 2012

So in conclusion, thanks for your time i really appreciate your input, advise and hearing your side. please do tell me how things are on your side

Feel free to think out loud .
For me I really enjoy hearing all your stories, just hearing them also helps us realize different things - hence a two way street of self help.

Once I am fully past her, I will share with you the breaking point story (since, my history has proved that I cannot seem to stay away from her completely). I realize that I must keep trying, but not put too much pressure, or expectations on myself.

Yesterday was very difficult for me. I was craving a lot of the things that I have given up (in addition to her). I wanted to eat something from one of my favorite restaurants, but I have been refraining from eating out and wasting money. So, I cook these gourmet style meals for myself at home everyday now. She, used to cook a lot for us. So, I decided to step up to the plate and do it for myself, in a super special way. I really enjoy it! But, yesterday I was frustrated and while I was cooking, I typed out a text to invite her over for dinner. I actually started shaking a little as I went to find her name in my phone. Needless to say, I didn't send. But, damn...the temptation was overwhelming.

So, that's how I'm doing right now. Keep me posted on you!

July 20, 2012

Once I am fully past her, I will share with you the breaking point story (since, my history has proved that I cannot seem to stay away from her completely). I realize that I must keep trying, but not put too much pressure, or expectations on myself.

Yesterday was very difficult for me. I was craving a lot of the things that I have given up (in addition to her). I wanted to eat something from one of my favorite restaurants, but I have been refraining from eating out and wasting money. So, I cook these gourmet style meals for myself at home everyday now. She, used to cook a lot for us. So, I decided to step up to the plate and do it for myself, in a super special way. I really enjoy it! But, yesterday I was frustrated and while I was cooking, I typed out a text to invite her over for dinner. I actually started shaking a little as I went to find her name in my phone. Needless to say, I didn't send. But, damn...the temptation was overwhelming.

So, that's how I'm doing right now. Keep me posted on you!

Wow bud. I feel for you. I sounds intense. It really does. But at least you are able To resist - that is a start.

I just rate keep on posting - I will always reply. Maybe sometimes it will take longer than other times, we will have to see - but reply non the less.

Im typing from my phone - so excuse any typos that will arise. So I met up with a mat last night outside London (came to UK or the weekend), and he just found out that he will become a dad. And then asked me tha he saw that my ex visited an we did a euro trip. I also told him that I proposed to her which she declined in April - which I should have probably mentioned.needless to say she gasped for air, cried and said no.

It was quite a romantic setting.

Either way, so on Facebook my ex's sister invited me to a big birthday party in London ( she moved to th uk a couple of years ago). Lastly, ironically, and damn stupid of me I am staying in the hotel which my ex used to work at when she did her gap yea after school. as she advised me how great the hotel is and serve the best caipirinha.

Even though I planned a weekend with mates I just turns out that I get reminded of her- which might be my fault.

Enough ranting.

I don't know if this is applicable to you, but somehow I think I keep on wanting not to let go on the hand. Thereby prolonging the agony or pain. A I I enjoy this feeling?

I'm nearly in London thn I'll have to find my way around so I'll need to finish up.

It's quite impressive how you substituted all the things tat she used to do, ie cooking and so forth. Thanks to you i wrote up th list (which I thought of doing but never did) from all the postive and negative of her.

I also realized that he good trade mark can be substituted or replaced byself, and any other person in the future.

Either way, I'm jumping from thought to thought. Sorry. I'm holding thumbs for you that it will get better and that she slowly drifts from your mind, if you let her.

As I said, I ll always find some time somewhere to reply. So keep strong mate.

To finish off, I really struggle without her and constantly think about her. I wonder when I will hear from her again. If I should talk to her. Why things did not work out.

I actually totally blame myself for it. Maybe I'm a bit dilusional. Maybe I'm in te denial or bargaining stage. I don't know. I just feel that it could have worked out else I wouldn't have stuck it out with her for so long. Nor the proposal.

Actually the longer it carries on the more confused I get.

But I won't contact her - at least I'm still strong enough to that regard.

I do want to mov home , back to SA, but somehow I am unsure about that move as well as I don't want to be in the same city or country as she. Haha.

Finished

I do hope you could give some sound advice

I am looking forward to the day you tell me the whole story - i think it will be a great day of relieve for yourself.

July 22, 2012

Hey Magneet...

So, did you attend the birthday party yet?

Thank you for the compliment on how I have been substituting many of the things my ex used to do. I often felt inadequate about things she seemed to do with ease, that I struggled with. But, now that we've been a part and I've had time to focus, I am truly gaining some momentum (for lack of a better expression)!

So, you actually proposed to your ex, huh? WOW...now that's a big deal. Did you do it in a romantic way, or just surprise style?

I actually bought a ring for my ex when we were on one of our breaks. It was my attempt to try to get her back. At the time I was living out of state. I was basically broke and in debt up to my eyeballs from moving across the country without any major planning. (That's a story for another time.) Anyways, when she came to visit, she appeared to be in a mood (as usual). One of those stand-offish type moods. It really turned me off and made me not want to dig myself in a deeper financial hole by giving her this ring I bought. So, I ended up just telling her about it and that I had hoped we could start over. She basically said, "oh that's sweet, but I'm not ready". I suppose telling her about a ring and actually giving it to her may have made the result a little different. But, man you should've felt her vibe as I was mentioning my plans to give it to her. She was throwing daggers. As if to say, I will eat you alive if you even come close to asking me to marry you! She's one tough cookie...

I'm sure you mentioned it, but how long were you and your ex together? Perhaps, she felt you were rushing things with the proposal. How old are you two? It's amazing how, asking someone that's having doubts about the relationship to marry you, can completely send them running. It's as though it shines a huge spotlight on the fact that if we stay together, I want this relationship to turn into forever. They start to realize we aren't just in it for the "right now". We want more, which consists of family, possibly children, intimacy...all the things that they are not interested in (at the moment, or if ever for some people).

I found a letter that I wrote to her maybe 4 or 5 years ago. (I wish I had dated it.) It is such an eyeopener! I may go more into detail when I write you again. But, it basically answers a lot of questions as to why remaining NC is the only way for me to get better.

I definitely can't wait to be able to PM you. Then I may be able to be a little more detailed in my explanations.

I hope you're doing ok...

July 22, 2012

Hi TTDAN

I am glad some momentum is going your way. its always great to hear.

I just got back, its 22h00 my time now, it was such an exhausting weekend, memorable and great, but exhausting. It was good to catch up with old friends and just laugh non stop and just have fun.

We watched cricket all day and in the eve met up with the sister of the ex, it was a fun eve. I am really impressed with london.

After reading everything I had to reply, as your situation is pretty much exactly like mine - when I bought the ring and how I introduced the idea,to how she reacted.

We were together for 3 years and lived together for 2 of them. (She broke up with me in that timespan I think 3 or 4 times, but came back the next day, apologizing). Im 27 and she is 26.

The proposal:

This happenend when I flew to SA in April, seeing her the first time after 6 months, but still spoke constantly. In that time i did mention that I want to be with her, a future, and believe we could make it work.

I paid for a flight from Johannesburg to where my father stayed and then took her to a real nice, realxing honeymoon resort on the Garden route, its a resort placed next to a 130 meter waterfall looking over the sea. Really breathtaking, and considerable affordable paying with the euro.

The whole weekend was great, Jacuzzi, red wine, I grilled for us, it was all good. Then our last day I ordered a surpirse romantic basket which was delivered to the room when we were not there. That evening we took the champagne too a different a jacuzzi situated between trees, next to the super high drop. It was dark so we couldnt see anything though.

Then while we sitting in there I took my phone out, as I had some notes on it as what i wanted to say. About making it work, love, realisations, future etc. Then I handed her pouch and in it was a little box. Which she openend curiously. Then she saw the ring, her jaws dropped, she was in disbelief, in shock. Then she started crying and said that its beautiful but I must return it and get the money back. She said more stuff, but I cant recall what. Basically the same that she always said, that she wants time until the end of the year, that I must enjoy my life without her and that she loves me. I added that its a "promise ring", that I want to marry her in the future, and that i am serious.

(As mentioned she came to visit me 2 months later, and we spoke the whole time, she initiated all the contact and i thought we were back together. Even though she said she just wants to be friends I perceived it differently).

YOu mentioned that you bought the ring in an attmept to get your ex back, well, same here

It was entertaining to read that paragraph where you told her about the ring but not giving it.

Well, then my proposal continuous.

So when she came to EU, I bought another ring - and this time a proper one. something unique. Something stunning. (I did not go overboard though, even though I pumped a lot of money into this girl - apperantly its also something to with co-dependency). Anyhow, after our two week road trip, we drove nack from Paris to Brussels and we had a fight. Then again I gave her the ring, where I said i was going to propose as I love you and want to be with you. Basically that it can work, that i want her in my life, again. She took the ring. She is wearing it, but said she still only wants to be friends.

Basically because we are still young, I told her that I am serious about you, but we dont need to seal the deal right now, we can still wait a couple of years but I am serious about you and I want you in my life.

You mention that she thought we were rushing it, and I guess you are right that this desperate move made pushed her away, twice. She was unsure even if she wanted to spend her whole life with me, her words.

For a long time in our relationship I thought I want to be single and have fun again, as our LTR was too serious for me, I got scared. Then when it was over, well, I wanted it back and was all of a sudden "ready" for it.

It's amazing how, asking someone that's having doubts about the relationship to marry you, can completely send them running. It's as though it shines a huge spotlight on the fact that if we stay together, I want this relationship to turn into forever. They start to realize we aren't just in it for the "right now". We want more, which consists of family, possibly children, intimacy...all the things that they are not interested in (at the moment, or if ever for some people).

So true, so funny. She is keen to for a family life, to have kids one day, to have a dog. I tried persuading her that if we get togehter we can get any pup she wants and a place with a garden.

I found a letter that I wrote to her maybe 4 or 5 years ago. (I wish I had dated it.) It is such an eyeopener! I may go more into detail when I write you again. But, it basically answers a lot of questions as to why remaining NC is the only way for me to get better.

Its always good to find these old reminders and support mechanisms. I started making an Positive and Negative list.. I was also thinking of writing her a letter (I just rememberd reading a thread about zoom zoom I think where he also wanted to write her a letter, one last time telling her the feelings and I had to laugh now- because I wanted to do the same thing, silly irrational mind ).

I definitely can't wait to be able to PM you. Then I may be able to be a little more detailed in my explanations.

I hope you're doing ok...

I see you are an established member now - congrats I will up my posts as well, when I catch up we can hopefully start PM - it will be good. I am very curious to hear more about your stories, details.

How are you handling it in general? Is she still a lot on your thoughts?

I am really struggling. the fact that i dispise my job doesnt help this situation.

Even though I had a super great weekend, and that i am busy I still think of her the whole time. I mean literally the whole time. I realize that i was too good for her, that i can get better, and then BAM - totally different thought again. OF how "great" she is, and how "happy" we were.

I am considering making a move in October - I just dont know where. Because somehow I think deep down the thought of her also influences my choice of where I want to go, and that is just sad.

emberassing to admit this - but deep down I still hope that we will get back together later this year, hence any choice that I make I do want to consult her as well.

I will leave Germany, as the culture is not appealing. I believe Johannesburg will offer me the best opportunities - the horrible thing will be if I would go there she is also there. Of that I am scared But this we only have to worry about in 3 months

Oh, I forgot. The last time when I checked her facebook, it was also the last time we spoke. She went to a big party, a met, some festival - with new guy friends she met, girls, etc. This sounds pity - but the one guy she see's regulary (she states that he is ugly, just friends, they have a common interest due to same profession - she knows he would take a chance when she would give it to him, but apperatnly she doesnt. Or at least has not done anything yet, I dont know as I havent spoken to her again). So then I saw photos of them on Facebook, and that really bothered me. Made me so jealous. And that stupid image is stuck in my mind and when I think of her over weekends, I think of that! hence I did stopped going on the FB.

Am I ok? I am not crying, I am not doing the bed laying stage anymore (I dont know if you saw that I mentioned it. After she went back home form the euro trip, i realized i lost her, that its over, that i cant be friends and still be emotionally ok. Then i cracked. Cried non stop for hours, panic attacks, cried more, slept the whole time, then i couldnt not sleep for days - i felt destroyed). So i dont feel like that anymore I am fine, its just my mind that is continously taking different stances on her, and my life.

stjoe.

rant over.

You said you moved across country? Actually I have got so many questions as well. THis PM better get going soon

I hope you are well. I must say I really really appreciate you replying, your input, and it helps a lot. Especially that all these things are so similar.

I do have co-dependency issues, I figured out, wickipedia explains it quite well

July 22, 2012

In addition to the above mentioned:

I am not ok, im trying

The realisation i make to feel motivated and happy to be single, to move on with my life, that i am better without her, to cope with NC - well, that feeling dwindles so quickly. If I have it, it lasts for a "day" - oh and it feels great, but then it takes me 3 days, or 5 days of constant reassurance and persuasion as to why she is not worth it in order to have that one day of relief again.

Is that normal? Am I the only like that? How does one get out of that situation?

Everyday I wish I could just lie in bed, to get this over with, to cry, to feel sorry for myself. (As mentioned, that i hate my job makes the situation worse). I do try to stay busy and do have fun - like this weekend for example. But even then I bitch and moan about her, i do try only to do it once and get it out of my system. As I dont want to burden my friends with it whom I see so seldom.

But I am struggling. I really am. Everyday is über tough. When I got on the plane today back to frankfurt i thought that I wish that I could just fly back home, to my father, my dog, and just cope with life there until I am ok again. That I could just cry there.

Off topic, when I visited Germany and my family here in 2010 i also had a feeling of not belonging in this country and being emotional here. It probably all adds in with each other.

To answer my question - how I delt with it after my previous LTR breakup. It drove me nuts and took me years to get over her. I filled the void with multiple empty girls, being on a emotional rollercoster.

This time not, and oh man... its tough.

July 22, 2012

This is a great thread for NC

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/336957-how-stay-no-contact-without-moving-middle-jungle

July 23, 2012

Hi TTDAN

The proposal:
This happenend when I flew to SA in April, seeing her the first time after 6 months, but still spoke constantly. In that time i did mention that I want to be with her, a future, and believe we could make it work.
I paid for a flight from Johannesburg to where my father stayed and then took her to a real nice, realxing honeymoon resort on the Garden route, its a resort placed next to a 130 meter waterfall looking over the sea. Really breathtaking, and considerable affordable paying with the euro.

The whole weekend was great, Jacuzzi, red wine, I grilled for us, it was all good. Then our last day I ordered a surpirse romantic basket which was delivered to the room when we were not there. That evening we took the champagne too a different a jacuzzi situated between trees, next to the super high drop. It was dark so we couldnt see anything though.

Then while we sitting in there I took my phone out, as I had some notes on it as what i wanted to say. About making it work, love, realisations, future etc. Then I handed her pouch and in it was a little box. Which she openend curiously. Then she saw the ring, her jaws dropped, she was in disbelief, in shock. Then she started crying and said that its beautiful but I must return it and get the money back. She said more stuff, but I cant recall what. Basically the same that she always said, that she wants time until the end of the year, that I must enjoy my life without her and that she loves me. I added that its a "promise ring", that I want to marry her in the future, and that i am serious.

(As mentioned she came to visit me 2 months later, and we spoke the whole time, she initiated all the contact and i thought we were back together. Even though she said she just wants to be friends I perceived it differently).

YOu mentioned that you bought the ring in an attmept to get your ex back, well, same here

It was entertaining to read that paragraph where you told her about the ring but not giving it.

Well, then my proposal continuous.
So when she came to EU, I bought another ring - and this time a proper one. something unique. Something stunning. (I did not go overboard though, even though I pumped a lot of money into this girl - apperantly its also something to with co-dependency). Anyhow, after our two week road trip, we drove nack from Paris to Brussels and we had a fight. Then again I gave her the ring, where I said i was going to propose as I love you and want to be with you. Basically that it can work, that i want her in my life, again. She took the ring. She is wearing it, but said she still only wants to be friends.

Basically because we are still young, I told her that I am serious about you, but we dont need to seal the deal right now, we can still wait a couple of years but I am serious about you and I want you in my life.

You mention that she thought we were rushing it, and I guess you are right that this desperate move made pushed her away, twice. She was unsure even if she wanted to spend her whole life with me, her words.

For a long time in our relationship I thought I want to be single and have fun again, as our LTR was too serious for me, I got scared. Then when it was over, well, I wanted it back and was all of a sudden "ready" for it.

So true, so funny. She is keen to for a family life, to have kids one day, to have a dog. I tried persuading her that if we get togehter we can get any pup she wants and a place with a garden.

Its always good to find these old reminders and support mechanisms. I started making an Positive and Negative list.. I was also thinking of writing her a letter (I just rememberd reading a thread about zoom zoom I think where he also wanted to write her a letter, one last time telling her the feelings and I had to laugh now- because I wanted to do the same thing, silly irrational mind ).

I see you are an established member now - congrats I will up my posts as well, when I catch up we can hopefully start PM - it will be good. I am very curious to hear more about your stories, details.
How are you handling it in general? Is she still a lot on your thoughts?

I am really struggling. the fact that i dispise my job doesnt help this situation.

Even though I had a super great weekend, and that i am busy I still think of her the whole time. I mean literally the whole time. I realize that i was too good for her, that i can get better, and then BAM - totally different thought again. OF how "great" she is, and how "happy" we were.

I am considering making a move in October - I just dont know where. Because somehow I think deep down the thought of her also influences my choice of where I want to go, and that is just sad.

emberassing to admit this - but deep down I still hope that we will get back together later this year, hence any choice that I make I do want to consult her as well.

I will leave Germany, as the culture is not appealing. I believe Johannesburg will offer me the best opportunities - the horrible thing will be if I would go there she is also there. Of that I am scared But this we only have to worry about in 3 months

Oh, I forgot. The last time when I checked her facebook, it was also the last time we spoke. She went to a big party, a met, some festival - with new guy friends she met, girls, etc. This sounds pity - but the one guy she see's regulary (she states that he is ugly, just friends, they have a common interest due to same profession - she knows he would take a chance when she would give it to him, but apperatnly she doesnt. Or at least has not done anything yet, I dont know as I havent spoken to her again). So then I saw photos of them on Facebook, and that really bothered me. Made me so jealous. And that stupid image is stuck in my mind and when I think of her over weekends, I think of that! hence I did stopped going on the FB.

Am I ok? I am not crying, I am not doing the bed laying stage anymore (I dont know if you saw that I mentioned it. After she went back home form the euro trip, i realized i lost her, that its over, that i cant be friends and still be emotionally ok. Then i cracked. Cried non stop for hours, panic attacks, cried more, slept the whole time, then i couldnt not sleep for days - i felt destroyed). So i dont feel like that anymore I am fine, its just my mind that is continously taking different stances on her, and my life.

stjoe.

rant over.

You said you moved across country? Actually I have got so many questions as well. THis PM better get going soon

I hope you are well. I must say I really really appreciate you replying, your input, and it helps a lot. Especially that all these things are so similar.

I do have co-dependency issues, I figured out, wickipedia explains it quite well

WOW man...your proposal sounds ridiculous (over here, that means amazing)!! I have a feeling that if I would have proposed like you did, I may have received a yes with all types of stipulations, leading to an even BIGGER break-up down the line. It's kinda sad that you and I seem to settle for breadcrumbs at times. But, I totally understand it...it's one of those things that help us get by, if even for a moment.

I also looked up some things on co-dependency. I definitely saw a little of myself in those symptoms. The one that sticks out to me the most would have to be "Dependency". My ex made me feel so secure in the beginning, that my confidence was through the roof!! It just occurred to me how much of an ego boost I must give her now that we're over. Since I can't seem to stop thinking or talking about her. If she has access to any of this, she must feel like a SUPERSTAR!!lol

I know how you feel when you say you have a great time with friends, but you think of her just about every moment. I have been like that for years. Lately, there have been times when I actually get lost in the moment nowadays. The thought of her has disappeared for little moments when I'm truly into what I'm doing. Needless to say, this does not happen as often at work. It seems like as soon as I get to work, I get this overwhelming urge to contact her. I suppose this means, just like yourself I do not love what I do.

I remember a time when things were really bad on my job. This was around the time, I found out she was seeing other people (not to mention seeing a photo on FB). During this time I was often late for work, or calling in sick here and there. I felt so depressed and lost. My entire body ached. I spent days in bed. I never thought I would get past all of that. Until I realized that I only seem to feel that low when I come into contact with her. Whether it's through, seeing a photo, or calling and texting, or just interacting with her in any way. Once I realized this, I deactivated my FB account, I stopped seeking info. about her and I tried my best to get my family and friends to stop asking me about her. This really helped!! I haven't had a cry and lay in the bed day in a long time. And I've haven't missed any days at work since.

I absolutely do not trust her anymore. And I haven't been able to trust her since an incident (that I will PM you about one day). I'm sure you're getting tired of me leaving you in the dark!lol If you haven't noticed already, I am somewhat of a private person.

This lack of trust is what creates the panic attacks, and burning feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see or hear anything about her. I live in this little world I've created of actual fear that I am going to hear or see something that will rip me to shreds (emotionally of course). It's the most uncomfortable and sickening way to live.

So, now you're saying to yourself, why do you still love this woman so much? Well...that's the hard part. The co-dependence (with a touch of love addiction) may be rearing it's ugly head here. Perhaps, since she is the one that made me feel so good about myself, I feel I need her in order to get that feeling back. I know there were things like cooking, and financial stability that I always felt I needed her in order to maintain as well. She seemed to be great with those things. But, as I mentioned to you before I am trying to master these attributes on my own as best I can!

I will definitely tell you more about my move and everything else soon!

I hope you are holding up well also. You remind me so much of where I was a few mths. ago and some days bounce back to (unfortunately). The "hope" stage. I'm not sure if that ever goes away until we find a suitable replacement. I tried to daydream today about a beautiful woman that is ridiculously in love with me!! She's kind, family-oriented and loves to cook with me! I am trying to focus on this woman and bring here into reality. I read a thread that talked about there being billions of women out there. So, no need to get caught up on one that isn't right.

You and I also seem to share the fact that more than one woman has put us through a heartbreak. I went through this with a woman prior to the ex we're talking about. And it seems as though I replaced her with the same type. Which means I need to look at correcting my behavior/choices, I suppose.

The fact that you're in London sounds amazing!! I bet there are tons of beautiful and friendly women looking for romance. I would be out looking around a bit if I were there. But, knowing me I'd end up doing exactly what you're doing...thinking of her.

Btw, to respond to your additional post...you are not alone with feeling ok in one moment and then bad for the next days. That is totally normal. I go through it often and I read a lot of threads with so many other people feeling the same.

Yes, having a job that you despise makes any hardship a 100 times worse. The fact that you have to spend most of your time somewhere that you don't like is terrible for good mental health. Which is what you need to help fight the sad emotions of this break-up. Are you taking on any hobbies? I'll have to share some of mine with you. Are you actively looking for another job? Is there anything that you like to do that maybe you could start a small business with? I may be going off the deep end with some of my questions. I just really want to help. You shouldn't have to suffer through this so intensely! It's not fair...

Maintain the NC...I'm right here fighting right along with ya!!

Edited July 23, 2012 by tryingtodiscoveranew

July 23, 2012

WOW man...your proposal sounds ridiculous (over here, that means amazing)!! I have a feeling that if I would have proposed like you did, I may have received a yes with all types of stipulations, leading to an even BIGGER break-up down the line. It's kinda sad that you and I seem to settle for breadcrumbs at times. But, I totally understand it...it's one of those things that help us get by, if even for a moment.

it is as if you are in my mind.

[i just had a look, I left you a killer long message, forking into different tohughts or stories along the way. Make sure you have something to drink with you when you start ]

I also looked up some things on co-dependency. I definitely saw a little of myself in those symptoms. The one that sticks out to me the most would have to be "Dependency". My ex made me feel so secure in the beginning, that my confidence was through the roof!! It just occurred to me how much of an ego boost I must give her now that we're over. Since I can't seem to stop thinking or talking about her. If she has access to any of this, she must feel like a SUPERSTAR!!lol

hahaha, that made me laugh. I actually had a 3 hour drive this morning and read the message on-route. Man, i had to laugh a couple times. At the similarity of the situation and at what we do. I did have a cry on the road as well. The same kind of cry which I had a month ago. Screaming, hitting the steering wheel - that break down feeling.

But definitely that secure feeling - oh man. was that great. That makes me wonder why we cant stop or thinking about them? And why they get it right to become so cold...

I know how you feel when you say you have a great time with friends, but you think of her just about every moment. I have been like that for years. Lately, there have been times when I actually get lost in the moment nowadays. The thought of her has disappeared for little moments when I'm truly into what I'm doing. Needless to say, this does not happen as often at work. It seems like as soon as I get to work, I get this overwhelming urge to contact her. I suppose this means, just like yourself I do not love what I do.

It would be the best if we can always get into everything that we can do It is as if the more we think about it, to get past it, over her, the more it stay on our mind.

I remember a few months back ,when I was crying over the phone or who knows what, and asked why the hell I only hear now and then of her. She replied "ofcourse I think of you, but then I carry on doing whatever i am doing". Make it sound so easy - to say the least i am envious of that kind of thought process.

I remember a time when things were really bad on my job. This was around the time, I found out she was seeing other people (not to mention seeing a photo on FB). During this time I was often late for work, or calling in sick here and there. I felt so depressed and lost. My entire body ached. I spent days in bed. I never thought I would get past all of that. Until I realized that I only seem to feel that low when I come into contact with her. Whether it's through, seeing a photo, or calling and texting, or just interacting with her in any way. Once I realized this, I deactivated my FB account, I stopped seeking info. about her and I tried my best to get my family and friends to stop asking me about her. This really helped!! I haven't had a cry and lay in the bed day in a long time. And I've haven't missed any days at work since.

Congrats on the self discipline on deactivating the FB. Are you back on FB again now? Or did you stay away from it? Yes, everytime I skyped to my dad he said, oh look, R is online. Everytime. you know there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance (the order of the first 3 might be different, not sure right now). And somehow it does sound as if you are making good progress, if you had to compare it to that

I absolutely do not trust her anymore. And I haven't been able to trust her since an incident (that I will PM you about one day). I'm sure you're getting tired of me leaving you in the dark!lol If you haven't noticed already, I am somewhat of a private person.

lack of trust, it was the same thing with my previous gf, and that is a tough one... Yes, thankfully the PM is up - so now you can finally fill in the gaps

This lack of trust is what creates the panic attacks, and burning feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see or hear anything about her. I live in this little world I've created of actual fear that I am going to hear or see something that will rip me to shreds (emotionally of course). It's the most uncomfortable and sickening way to live.

I can relate to that horrible feeling in the tummy, oh boy it is the worst. I spoke to a friend of mine, a great person I met a few months ago, a little angel who just brought so much insight into my life (more to personal growing). So I told her about my co-dependency issues, the breakup, etc. She said GREAT but now that you know all of this, what path are you taking to cure it. To fix it? That is what I am asking you, have drawn up a plan to change that way of thought? To get rid of that feeling? When we talk about solutions, or paths to sort this out I will give you the advise that my friend gave me, and the proposed "toolkit" to solve "certain" feelings. That they actully go much deeper than what we think. That they are triggered by other things sometimes or aggrevated my diff situations.

This is a bit of the topic, but she did not trust me. Always went through my facebook, my emails, my drawers, my cellphone. Everything. Then when she was here in Europe, she was fanatic to log out of FB, jumping to it and accusing that I was on it. Multiple times when I was going through my emails. I have never ever delved into her private stuff, so thinking back to that that was quite weird and dissapointing, and sad.

So, now you're saying to yourself, why do you still love this woman so much? Well...that's the hard part. The co-dependence (with a touch of love addiction) may be rearing it's ugly head here. Perhaps, since she is the one that made me feel so good about myself, I feel I need her in order to get that feeling back. I know there were things like cooking, and financial stability that I always felt I needed her in order to maintain as well. She seemed to be great with those things. But, as I mentioned to you before I am trying to master these attributes on my own as best I can!

Again, this sounds exactly like me. Exactly. One could add for my sake that she gave me drive and motivated me on how to improve my life and all. BUt hell TTDAN, I thought you were writing about me . I dont know if I have used the analogy (the last few weeks are a blurr ). That week after she left and I literally crumbled, my father motivated me by saying that she was like a walking stick, now that its kicked out you stumble a bit. But she did teach how to walk and now you can walk by yourself. So, mastering the attributes - all I can say is I am real glad for you mate

I will definitely tell you more about my move and everything else soon!

Cant wait.

I hope you are holding up well also. You remind me so much of where I was a few mths. ago and some days bounce back to (unfortunately). The "hope" stage. I'm not sure if that ever goes away until we find a suitable replacement. I tried to daydream today about a beautiful woman that is ridiculously in love with me!! She's kind, family-oriented and loves to cook with me! I am trying to focus on this woman and bring here into reality. I read a thread that talked about there being billions of women out there. So, no need to get caught up on one that isn't right.

As they say, do what you love and you will find the right person. THis hope stage is really the worst. I am in a better mood tonight, maybe because I had a beer, maybe because I am spending my evening on this website. But as I mentioned, I broke this morning, it was a surprise to say the least. Had that pathetic thinking of I wont meet anyone like her again, self pity (felt the same after my first LTR, but man, I do miss the attributes she has, the input on my life).

I just really think I suffer more than usual, or that what I should as I live in a foreign country, dont really connect with the people, except my family up north (so I just hang out with them over weekends if I dont fly abroad somewhere). Basically I dont have friends here to go support me, or help me, nor do I have a home anymore (like a pimped out flat, with pc and comfortable lounge, tv etc). I currently live in hotels or now renting a cheap department as I only sleep there. Its not a bad situation, its just I would have preferred my own surroundings in Cape Town, with my friends there. I must say I felt more at home in London than in Germany. I think the combination of it all, breakup, co dependency, job I dispise, no real friends here and constant moving plus knowing I dont want to settle in this country is taking its toll on me and my mood. (I dont want to sound like a negative nancy, I just try to put it into perspective).

You and I also seem to share the fact that more than one woman has put us through a heartbreak. I went through this with a woman prior to the ex we're talking about. And it seems as though I replaced her with the same type. Which means I need to look at correcting my behavior/choices, I suppose.

Hahaha, so true. However, this last one. "R", she was a bit different than the other one, that she did have a best interest for me, aiding me and supporting me - whereas the first one didnt. But yes, same characteristics deep down just different ways of doing things. Everybody always said that she is the best girl i ever had as she doesnt bugger me around as much as the rest... The others were even worse Im such a sucker for this, I just realised that again as I am typing this.

I believe this goes back to fixing yourself, being happy with yourself and then being able to meet someone and be treated with respect.

The fact that you're in London sounds amazing!! I bet there are tons of beautiful and friendly women looking for romance. I would be out looking around a bit if I were there. But, knowing me I'd end up doing exactly what you're doing...thinking of her.

I still had a great time, we were at the cricket the saturday, SA vs ENG and wow - the atmosphere there was amazing. We got dressed up and got a mexican wave started. A big blast. That evening when we went out with the sister of "R" I just lost my drive to chat to girls, (plus I was real tired after having two rough nights and days). But then I felt so bad even trying to attempt to chat up girls, just because I thought it was inappropriate and disrepectful. Maybe deep down it was more like I have got hope for the future and i dont want my exs sister to hook me up. Even though they tried to help me [she does not like her sister].

But yes, the talent was quite remarkable

Btw, to respond to your additional post...you are not alone with feeling ok in one moment and then bad for the next days. That is totally normal. I go through it often and I read a lot of threads with so many other people feeling the same.

thanks, what do the others do to get out of it? hmmmm.

Yes, having a job that you despise makes any hardship a 100 times worse. The fact that you have to spend most of your time somewhere that you don't like is terrible for good mental health. Which is what you need to help fight the sad emotions of this break-up. Are you taking on any hobbies? I'll have to share some of mine with you. Are you actively looking for another job? Is there anything that you like to do that maybe you could start a small business with? I may be going off the deep end with some of my questions. I just really want to help. You shouldn't have to suffer through this so intensely! It's not fair...

I am not taking on any hobbies. I was a lot on the road, dont have a real home, am not settled, nothing. When I lived in Brussels I played squash on a regular basis, met up with people and went to my local underground gym.

I tried going to my gym here the last few weeks but somehow I dont get to it as much as what I would want. WHich would be my only hobby here in Europe.

I would love to hear some of your hobbies It might just inspire me, actually I believe it will.

I am actively looking for another job, I actually got an interview this thursday (skype, a job in SA close to George).

I will just drift off quikly - the reason why I came overseas was to find myself. To sort out my problems of the past (thats pm stuff) and to get away from everything. While here I have learnt so much, in all aspects, and so much about myself. What i want in life, where i want to live, and that i want to enjoy my surroundings, my home. (thats where i realized i want to be with herm which backfired).

I then also realized that I want to enjoy my life - that it is not only about working and material things like what i thought before. Hence I want to move back to SA where I have a enjoyable life. But even there are different choices, Cape Town is beautiful and stunning, little money but cool life style. Johannesburg is good money and all the people are there, the concrete rat race plus crime is higher and then there is George (which is close to my father, too close to the family for my liking) but I could rent a house on the seaside and take up surfing, as there are small towns and the people there have a chill lifestyle.

[my current plan is to rather enjoy my life, with a work in nicer surrounding and then after business school one day go somewhere else again - that is the plan, we will have to see].

So that is another dilemma... I thought about moving to different countries, but quite frankly I dont think I want to stay in Europe right now. I think I am also home sick OR the fact that my ex and I had so many future plans. Of moving abroad for three years and then coming back, then going here and getting a puppy...

I love the fact that you are asking me these questions, thank yo so much. I just hate the career I am currently in. I actually considered of handing in my resignation today, getting on the net plane to the east, Bali or Thailand, rent a hut on the beach, volunteer at a Monastery that looks after Tigers and seek a spiritual experience. I have been thinking about that for a while now, just becasue I am unhappy here. THen my one friend (who also lives up north and prob my only real friend here in Germany) contacted me and said he quit his job.

I said lets go for a couple of months somewhere and he actually had a small business idea what we might be able to pull off. But I will have to work another 2 months then.

The point is, yes, I prefer doing my own thing (I grew with my father who was a farmer in SA and then had different businesses afterwards), I have been thinking about it for a while of what to do exactly. hmmmmm.

[You must really make use of the PM now that it is available].

Maintain the NC...I'm right here fighting right along with ya!!

I nearly gave in to the NC today. She forwarded me a thing about cloud computing and deloitte a couple of weeks ago, or last week? And I did not reply. So today I was going through my deleted folder - looking for that email so I could reply with a "tx"... I couldnt find it. I did not reply.

I even came up with the idea to write her a letter (I am at that stage now, makes me think back to all the other posts i read when i first came onto this site). On the airport i plotted all the core ideas down onto a piece my diary and thought I would write and send it as a last resort in a month or two, detailing a plan on how we could make it work. I am just shaking my head as I type this, but this thought is so overwhelming - and it sounds sooooo right in my head (sometimes more than other times).

Then I thought of just texting her, saying hi, or i love you, or i miss you. Then I thought back of how cold she was the last two times when we spoke. Where I was crying, or was sad, and she was like, go out, enjoy your life... then she said that she is frustrated by me and that I must just carry on. She hasnt got time for this.

That little memory (as small as it might be) made me not contact her.

Without you I would have given in a long time ago. This thread and these people here are really helping me so much. Helping me keeping my last bit of dignity that I have left. (Unlike with my previous LTR where I lost it all). Thank TTDAN, you are a blessing, I dont think you realize how much you help me.

I am looking forward to the day when we write to each other and we have moved on. I hope I can be such a motivating support system like you are being to me.

I put you through hell reading this, I hope your eyes are not too blurred yet.

How are you feeling today, how are you holding up?

I still have so much to say, as all these ideas and thigns that I tell you, they just transform and remind me of other sotires and information that I want to add.

Oh, I think my new hobby is LS... As that takes up a good few hours a night hehe.

Again, thanks mate. For everything. For the deep questions. For the support. For the wooting. For us relating so much. For helping. and For making a difference.

July 23, 2012

PS: with regard to the jobs, I did start applying all over, from Cayman Islands to SA, to UK...

My dad phoned me and again had a long chat, where he reminded me how much effort I put in, that there are others who will value it more one day and that I was unsure about her for a long time. From the start to be honest, but she was good for me, thats why I hoped things would imrprove. Which baffles me that I feel so hopeless now as I knew I was in a unhappy relationship... But it was good remembering that things were even not splendid from the start. That things do carry one and that one learns from past mistakes.

After my mothers death when I was 11 (prob where the dependency issues come from and the love addiction - not seeking sympathy, maybe just trying to create a bigger picture for better understanding), my dad was seeing a shrink - and my dad blamed himself for the loss, pretty much like I do right now (of why we broke up, that I could have done even more at the start, been even better to

her). He said we are all adults, if you want to take blame for something you may not take more than 50%

I found that quite true, funny and motivating.

Apologies for the super long posts. I hope one day you will have time to read through them

Lastly, as I said a lot was missing from the start, I knew that, I hoped that it would change, three years later it has still not, I was in a unhappy relationship, I kept on trying, yet the support was there and I was excelling - ofcourse thats not enough to make a relationship work, yet now I feel as if I was the cause of disaster, and cant get over a dysfunctional and unhappy relationship. That baffels me.

It also feels as if I am addicted to sadness... Maybe it is comforting.

My father keeps on asking me if I am back training (he knows that helps me a lot, as we all know).

Thanks for reading this. Again. For the thousands time.

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today i struggle so much... yes, i have codependcy issues as well

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