That awful feeling you get when someone proclaims "No, you are not good enough."

[PropertyChaser]

I briefly posted this once here before, but the situation has continued to evolve... and it's a gut wrenching feeling. For the last 3 months I've been seeing someone, things were going pretty well, we hadn't had the exclusive chat yet but she said if I was seeing another girl she'd kick her ass, she was buying me concert tickets, I was invited to family dinners, she was crashing at my place 4-5 nights a week... then bam.

 

I've been trying to piece together what went wrong, and I finally figured it out. About a month to a month and a half ago one of her friends met a guy that works as a dj/promoter for one of the local club promotion companies around town, her friend ended up banging the guy. Despite the fact that they start going out a little bit more (because her friend is hooking up with the guy) things are pretty normal, even great. She bought me expensive tickets to a concert about 3 and a half weeks ago.

 

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago she starts getting a little bit distant, as I alluded to in my previous thread, when she was out I offered to come by the club that she was at and she did everything she could to discourage me from coming in, a few days later she bailed on our Canada Day plans, and on her days off I hardly heard from me, my alarm bells started to ping off the hook. I'm not an idiot, I notice and I ask her what's up. I have my suspicions about what's going on. Being a few years older than her, this isn't my first rodeo. She says that she's been hanging out with her friend (the girl who's banging the club promoter) who says she feels she's being torn between the two of us. She starts sleeping over a little bit less, bails on plans here and there, and I can start to see where this is going.

 

Ultimately, this culminated in a watershed moment where we were at the afterparty of that concert she bought us tickets for, hosted by the company of the guy her friend was banging. I spent most of the night waiting around for them, while they were off "talking to their friends" - at this point it had become clear to me that I was effectively playing second fiddle and that partying and being connected to these guys and going out was more important than the three months we'd spent together. She made a judgement call about what's more important and I lost. At the end of the night I could tell something was up, I ended up going home with my buddies, but I could tell things were done. While it hadn't been said out loud, actions always speak louder than words. No excuses that she could provide could mask over the fact that, to be simple and honest, these guys > me. The last thing I see is walking away from the party while she and her friend are talking to two guys. <ugh>

 

In the days that followed she told me that she still liked me, but it also became clear to me, as her partying continued and the amount of names from the company that the guy works with started to increase on her Facebook - that she had made her choice. I've heard every excuse in the book "It's not you, it's me", "I'm young and carefree", "I don't want drama or stress", yadda yadda yadda, all pretty much glazing over the fact that when push came to shove, she shoved me out the window. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever look at her the same way again.

 

She's got in contact with some mutual friends who said that she's ready to talk whenever I feel comfortable, but tbh, I don't feel I have anything to talk to her about, and unless she comes to me with an apology for the way she has handled things, but she won't. When I last talked to her, which was over a week ago, I asked her to resolve the two lingering things that were tying us together....

 

1) The bag she left at my house with her clothes in it

2) To pay my friend back the money she owes him

 

She's extended me the courtesy of neither. While she's out partying her face off I'm left holding the bag (literally) knowing that I didn't really do anything wrong, and that she just threw me under the bus without compunction. It's an awful feeling to have. I haven't spoken to her in almost a week, but part of me wants to pick up the phone, and yell at her, though I know it would accomplish nothing except making me look for a grovelling basketcase who is hung up. While it's true that I am, yeah it just wouldn't do anything.

 

She was supposed to meet with my friend to pay him on Friday, but instead she went to the club this DJ works at.

 

 

If I had to make a guess she hasn't resolved these issues, it's because it means she would have to come face to face with me - and see the guy she cared for and confront the issue and see it face to face. She'd be forced to put her partying up next to me and evaluate it, she'd be forced to confront the issues, which is something she wants to avoid.

 

While many people here have suggested that there may in fact be another guy, which might be true, I'm willing to bet that it is probably that she didn't want me around to compromise her standing with those promoters.

 

If there is any blame that I accept for all of this, it was about not having the "exclusive" chat - but in hindsight, maybe this was a great litmus test, and I mean look, if she could do this now, dating someone exclusively wouldn't change anything. IF I brought up her partying and hanging out with these dudes, I would come off as smothering and she'd probably end it, if I said nothing, I'd be a pushover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Either way, this really sucks.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Gulf-Delta]

GiGs. She doesn't even understand wtf is going on in her own head, so you probably shouldn't try to.

[PropertyChaser]

GiGs. She doesn't even understand wtf is going on in her own head, so you probably shouldn't try to.

 

I've given up on trying to understand, she herself has said she's gonna be a loose cannon over the summer and has no clue what's going on.

 

That's fine you could have told me that before I got into the emotional investment of meeting her family and stuff.

 

Also, just be straight up.

 

I dunno what to do with her ****.

[Gulf-Delta]

I hear ya man.

 

I was engaged to my ex for two years. She showed no signs of being that kind of girl...then she pulled that crap out of nowhere.

 

We talked about kids, a family, met each other's families and became family (her sister still thinks of me as her brother)...who knows WTF they're thinking when they act like this or how long it lasts. But from what I hear, it comes to an end eventually, and they end up regretting letting you go. That's what I hear anyway

[carhill]

No matter when the gift of clarity comes, cherish it.

[PropertyChaser]

No matter when the gift of clarity comes, cherish it.

 

That's true, and she was honest (for the most part) and I appreciate that. Ultimately, in the end however, I'm left dealing with the fact that the allure of that lifestyle was more important than me.

 

It was kind of insulting that she couldn't find a way to accommodate both.

 

I think my concerns were justified and perhaps I overreacted because I saw it coming, when we went to that after party I effectively saw something that scared me - that when we go out she feels no compunction about leaving me hanging and going to see these people rather than bringing me into the fold. It showed me that she wanted to keep us separate. Having been in more relationships than her, I know that this generally leads to bad things.

 

On the other hand she was incredibly loyal, spent a lot of time with me, bought me food, took me out to concerts, introduced me to her family. Honestly I think that as time went on the draw became more potent on her especially since her friend is VERY single.

 

It wasn't that hanging out with them was bad, but that she was willing to kind of... throw me under the bus in the process. It's just a scary thing to see happen in front of you.

 

 

 

 

It's pretty embarrassing for me and I think she knows what she did was pretty douche-y which is why she hasn't dealt with the money she owes my friend, or picked up her bag. Apparently she's willing to talk and be friends too - but after what's happened all I am left asking is "what's the point?"

Edited July 16, 2012 by PropertyChaser

[Dblock10]

how old is this girl? i have been in a similar situation and it was with a girl i had been with for 3 years, so be lucky it was 3 months!

 

i know that feeling though, and i saw it happening again this year with a girl i was briefly seeing, as soon as it happened i said bye bye.

not looked back since!

[Chi townD]

She willing to talk when YOU feel comfortable with it? Or when she has time for you.....I think it would be the later.

 

Do yourself a favor and cut her out of your life completely. You know where her family is at, just drop the bag off there. As for your friend, give him all of her contact information and just tell him to get in touch with her for the money. That's between the two of them and it doesn't involve you. THEN, block her from your Facebook account.

 

What she did WAS douchy and you shouldn't have to have to deal with her. Believe me, one day she'll wake up and grow up. Then, she'll realize what she threw away. But, by the time that happens, hopefully, you would have moved on. The glitz and the scene at the clubs are only temporary. Clubs come and go ALL THE TIME! The open for a couple of years and then they close. They are not very stable investments. Not like your neighborhood bar or pub that have been there for years and years and years.

And she'll get tossed aside as well. Karma will catch up to her in the end.

[Samilia]

I would call her, to ask her again to pick up the bag and remind her about the money. If she doesn't drop by, I would simply leave the bag at her parent's house. As for the money, I'd tell her you're going to drop by at the club with your friend, since she's so busy. That should do the trick.

 

Don't see it as "not good enough", I see it as not from the same worlds. She wants to party and be superficial. The way you write says a lot about you, don't give her a second thought.

[PropertyChaser]

She willing to talk when YOU feel comfortable with it? Or when she has time for you.....I think it would be the later.

 

Do yourself a favor and cut her out of your life completely. You know where her family is at, just drop the bag off there. As for your friend, give him all of her contact information and just tell him to get in touch with her for the money. That's between the two of them and it doesn't involve you. THEN, block her from your Facebook account.

 

What she did WAS douchy and you shouldn't have to have to deal with her. Believe me, one day she'll wake up and grow up. Then, she'll realize what she threw away. But, by the time that happens, hopefully, you would have moved on. The glitz and the scene at the clubs are only temporary. Clubs come and go ALL THE TIME! The open for a couple of years and then they close. They are not very stable investments. Not like your neighborhood bar or pub that have been there for years and years and years.

And she'll get tossed aside as well. Karma will catch up to her in the end.

 

 

Well that's what I'm trying to bend my mind around? Was what she did douchey?

 

I think she means well, she certainly treated me well, but her friend was partying and invited her out every night and I could feel her slipping out of my grasp. The ultimate slap in the face is when she bailed on me when I was actually there.

 

Do I blame her for doing it? Yes. Do I understand why she did it? Yeah. But the fact that she did what she did in such an obvious manner (I'm no idiot) leaves me pretty pissed off.

 

As she said to my friend, she's not interested in a relationship now. I think that only occurred recently as she started to go out more. If I had talked to her 3 weeks ago, this wouldn't have been a problem, that's where things get a little bit awkward for me.

 

In so far as talking when I'm ready - what that means is - I want you to talk to me so I can feel like you want to talk to me and thus, I haven't done anything wrong. That's what it means.

[PropertyChaser]

I would call her, to ask her again to pick up the bag and remind her about the money. If she doesn't drop by, I would simply leave the bag at her parent's house. As for the money, I'd tell her you're going to drop by at the club with your friend, since she's so busy. That should do the trick.

 

Don't see it as "not good enough", I see it as not from the same worlds. She wants to party and be superficial. The way you write says a lot about you, don't give her a second thought.

 

I don't see her as being a party animal and superficial exclusively - she also treated me very well. She's just got a friend who is a really bad influence.... these people they are hanging out with now do lots of drugs (granted, I do them occasionally too), have nice cars and access to boats (so do I), but I'm not a part of that lifestyle and offer the perks to the same degree.

 

Because it's the summer they see an opportunity to have fun, that opportunity comes at the expense of me.

 

The irony of all of this is - I just got back from a 3 day music festival in Las Vegas. I can party with the best of them, I have no issue with her partying... it seems she just thinks I'm an anchor.

 

So... it is what it is.

Edited July 16, 2012 by PropertyChaser

[Chi townD]

Well that's what I'm trying to bend my mind around? Was what she did douchey?

 

I think she means well, she certainly treated me well, but her friend was partying and invited her out every night and I could feel her slipping out of my grasp. The ultimate slap in the face is when she bailed on me when I was actually there.

 

Do I blame her for doing it? Yes. Do I understand why she did it? Yeah. But the fact that she did what she did in such an obvious manner (I'm no idiot) leaves me pretty pissed off.

 

As she said to my friend, she's not interested in a relationship now. I think that only occurred recently as she started to go out more. If I had talked to her 3 weeks ago, this wouldn't have been a problem, that's where things get a little bit awkward for me.

 

In so far as talking when I'm ready - what that means is - I want you to talk to me so I can feel like you want to talk to me and thus, I haven't done anything wrong. That's what it means.

 

Dude, I think you answered your own question in your orginal post. Sure, she was nice and kind and generous. But when push came to shove, she valued the Club scene more than you. And that's not fair to you. So, it sounds like that she will talk to you when you cooled off a bit. (which is kind of insulting if you asked me) It's like she views you as a little kid that would throw a temper tantrum and she doesn't want to address that.

[PropertyChaser]

Dude, I think you answered your own question in your orginal post. Sure, she was nice and kind and generous. But when push came to shove, she valued the Club scene more than you. And that's not fair to you. So, it sounds like that she will talk to you when you cooled off a bit. (which is kind of insulting if you asked me) It's like she views you as a little kid that would throw a temper tantrum and she doesn't want to address that.

 

Well the irony of this is - I party a lot too.

 

In so far as the party scene becoming more important than me, I think that this wasn't always the case and as they became more integrated with this group and her best friend started banging one of the djs, then she started to get pulled over.

 

Yeah I agree with your assessment - though I actually think she won't talk to me because she knows she made a douche move and she probably feels like she's throwing something away.