NYOrLAGuy Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I don't know if it's considered cool or not to do, but I'm moving this thread to this forum, as I now think it's a more appropriate place for it... Been NC with my ex who was the love of my life since November, BU happened May 2011. It was one of those stereotypical girl-ends-it-guy-is-blindsided-had-no-idea situations like I know a few of you are also experiencing (full story is in my previous posts here a while ago). I've been with a new girl for about five months now, and while we have fun and I like her, it's just not the same. I feel empty all the time... that love, that spark, that energy is just not there like it was with the ex. So ex's brother-in-law e-mails yesterday out of the blue asking if I can help him with some graphic design work he needs done. I had helped him with a previous project when the ex and I were together, and just after I went NC with the ex, I told him if he ever needed anything, he was always welcome to get in touch. And when we had last spoke, I never asked about the ex, but now I just have this urge, after the work is done, to just be like, "so hey, how is she doing?" While I've always dreamt of the day she'd come back, and I still do, I know this is a totally unrelated deal, she probably doesn't even know he got in touch (though her sister I'm sure does). I'm almost positive she's not married or engaged or anything like that (actually saw her in a match.com search a few months ago) but she could be seeing someone, but hey, so am I. And I don't exactly want to try and parlay this into contact with her, and it's obvious I'm overthinking this already, but objectively speaking, do you guys think it's cool if I just ask how she's doing? It feels almost weird NOT to ask, and I genuinely do want to know if she's doing well in school, if she's happy, etc. I don't even think he'd tell me if she's dating someone anyway, just wanna go in generalities if she's ok. I am fully prepared to hear something I may not want to... or am I?
Stanza Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Tricky. I think if you do want to know, you should ask. Definitely. I think there's part of you that would go back to her still at this stage? Sorry you were blindsided by the BU though, so depressing.
Author NYOrLAGuy Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 It's something I think about a lot... I mean, I'm a 37 year old man with a pretty firm grip on the reality of the situation. How could I just ever run back to her after what she put me through? With no real explanation either. How could I trust her? I don't think I could, but in the fantasy of my mind, of course things would eventually get back to where we were when we were together, but it's not realistic. And it's not fair to the girl I'm currently seeing. It tears me up inside a lot feeling this way, because I genuinely want to get to that place with the current lady, and don't want to be unfair to her by feeling this way. All that being said, the ex was just starting school when we broke up, and I really do just wanna know that she's doing well with it and sticking to it for once.
carhill Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 My opinion is that, once it's done, it's done. Any further contact with an ex'es family, preserving any relationships built over time, should be about those relationships and exclusive of the ex. I've experienced this dynamic not with my exW's family but rather with some of her close girlfriends whom I'm still in contact with. I don't talk about exW and neither do they. Our respective lives are the main focus of interest, as should be. The M is done.
Stanza Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I think carhill has a point, I think if you want to see how she's doing, maybe get her details from him and ask yourself? I can see your pain. I'm around your age and my ex left in April for reasons I can't fathom and hasn't handled it very decently but I know that's because of the pain he is in with his decision. And I don't know when my hopes will fully fade. I think you just haven't fully closed the door to her. Maybe meeting her or talking will help you make that decision once and for all? Then you may find it easier to move on with your new love. Maybe something is holding you back from getting deeper into your new relationship, maybe you need to close the door? I feel your pain. I think these things are really hard.
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Yea you can if you want to. Or you can simply say "tell her I said hi" if you'd rather not know what she's been up to. But there's nothing wrong with still caring about someone you've once loved.
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