2muchlove Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I'm not sure about anybody else but I just learned something about myself after this break up and NC that really shook me to my core. It's codependency... I knew I had separation issues because of some family history but when I read the characteristics of a person with codependency I couldn't believe what I saw. I had matched at least 90% of what was listed from multiple sources. It didn't take much for me to break down and start bawling because of it. I was shocked. See, my recent BU was extremely excruciating because it drew out for almost two months - I left my job because I couldn't work knowing my relationship was on the brink of destruction. We had the whole push-pull operation and once she got over the initial heartbreak she started to move on without telling me, which drove me to pushing her away even more without even realizing it because she kept telling me she wanted space, and all I wanted was to fix things. Here I am a week to this day NC and the pain is a little less but still very relevant. And even through the torment and pain she put me through this past month (Made out with multiple guys, slept with one, started talking to one, made false promises, all the while telling me she wants to make it work.) I still have hope of reconciliation. That worries me. How did I let myself get to this point? I let this relationship become the most important thing in my life and now I'm broke, jobless and alone. The complete opposite from when I met her. And I can't do anything because my mind is so occupied by the whole situation. I put her needs far above anything and everything else in my life, including friends. Now that I'm not needed I can't help but feel useless. I plan on addressing these issues seriously but I still look at my phone hoping she text me, called or emailed me. I always thought codependency meant something else until I finally read about it yesterday.
Tree_Salmon Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 This is actually pretty common. I think many people in here suffer from the same thing. That's why it becomes so devastating when you break up. In my case my ex was very overdependent and I am very independent by nature but after years of conditioning even i started to develop a weird dependency on her. That's when you know its not good. It's really great that you are reflecting about your relationship. Keep moving forward.
magneet Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 (edited) I'm not sure about anybody else but I just learned something about myself after this break up and NC that really shook me to my core. It's codependency... I knew I had separation issues because of some family history but when I read the characteristics of a person with codependency I couldn't believe what I saw. I had matched at least 90% of what was listed from multiple sources. It didn't take much for me to break down and start bawling because of it. I was shocked. See, my recent BU was extremely excruciating because it drew out for almost two months - I left my job because I couldn't work knowing my relationship was on the brink of destruction. We had the whole push-pull operation and once she got over the initial heartbreak she started to move on without telling me, which drove me to pushing her away even more without even realizing it because she kept telling me she wanted space, and all I wanted was to fix things. Here I am a week to this day NC and the pain is a little less but still very relevant. And even through the torment and pain she put me through this past month (Made out with multiple guys, slept with one, started talking to one, made false promises, all the while telling me she wants to make it work.) I still have hope of reconciliation. That worries me. How did I let myself get to this point? I let this relationship become the most important thing in my life and now I'm broke, jobless and alone. The complete opposite from when I met her. And I can't do anything because my mind is so occupied by the whole situation. I put her needs far above anything and everything else in my life, including friends. Now that I'm not needed I can't help but feel useless. I plan on addressing these issues seriously but I still look at my phone hoping she text me, called or emailed me. I always thought codependency meant something else until I finally read about it yesterday. that is what i figured out as well and after knowing that it makes life somehow easier so i am working through it, knowing i want to make myself a bigger and better person. with regard to looking at ur phone... man - let bygons be bygons. firstly, i also pushed my ex away after i carried on pursuing her - i was just so scared of loosing her. after hearing so many harsh things again from her i decided screw this - and am trying to carry on. i still get a random sms from her, where she craves some emotional support - but i havent replied... even though that also eats u up alife, its a start. if you still have the hope you just prolong the suffering (i did that for 9 months)... the hardest thing for me was to realize i have to move on, let her be, not have her anymore (even though she wants to stay in my life as friends - i cant do that emotionally). so after making the realization you can start moving on... its not easy, not at all... thats why i came back to this site tonight, i feel down, sad and am thinking about her. but knowing you have codependy issues is the start. the next thing is how you will solve them. what is your plan? the wrong answer is to jump into another relationship me? I dont want to date until i sorted myself out... which i am busy with, drastically. else one will bugger up the next relationship as well. i still believe that my ex and i will get back together in the future, or rather hope it, in a way, but i know once i am over her - then there will be new people. but either way, for anythig to work again you need to be "cured" of this... of this co-dependency. I am trying to go the spiritual route on this. i beleive i have come to a point in my life where i have to deal with that, and figure out what and who i am... Edited July 15, 2012 by magneet
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