Eternal Sunshine Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 This is something I saw in another thread. I hear it around here a lot. People want to be sat down face to face and honestly told why they are broken up with. They will then interrogate the dumper to get "the answers". I have a totally different approach to break ups. All I need to know is that it's over. I don't even care how this message is delivered, text, mail, phone...it's all the same to me. I never ask the questions. I even stop them when they try to explain. All I do is say aha OK, and walk away. I actually think that the reasons they give you will rarely be honest and even in that case they are simply irrelevant. You are free to pursue others...
Sameold Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I understand your viewpoint but for me realising things that contributed/caused the break up will hopefully achieve the following: a) Help logic to dictate if I should try and get her back b) How I should feel about her (ie I found out my ex was flirting and setting up to see someone for straight after she dumped me. So I know she emotionally cheated and I hate her now, despite loving what we HAD before she changed). c) Improve myself, if I acted too needy, selfishly or whatever maybe I can be a better me next time around. Commonly though in a break up the dumpee is selfish and often actually I think they will say stuff to hurt you to make you feel like your actions contributed to their decision....For example 18 months ago I went through a really depressing time with the whole job stuff and it could have finished us but we battled through. In the BU she used that as a factor, an issue we already dealt with an survived ages ago. Probably best to try and find some closure anyway, so just do what feels right but then know when to walk away with your head held high.
Radu Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I think it varies with gender too. Guys are less good at reading women's body language and overall less apt at relationships, we need the verbalization, to be told 'you did this wrong' or 'because of this'. I think women need it less, or ask for it less, but i bet most of them would be interested in a clear 'why' as well. Are you refering to raptor's thread ?
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I completely agree I had to really push for answers and when I git them it still made zero sense. As I've said before e.g that I couldn't communicate, yet I was dumped by text, out of the blue. I don't know why it is too much to ask for just to get a logical explaination. I also got nothing but how everything was my fault. Well it wasn't 100% my fault, no one had a gun to my exes head forcing him to be with me. In my case when you treated them right and would've done anything for them, I deserve so much better than someone dumping me out of the blue and walking out out of my life forever.
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 And my other ex broke NC just to blame the whole breakup on me. He wanted to be single, only to date someone else. How was that my fault? I feel sorry for his new gf, I have no doubt he will screw her over somehow, if he hasn't already.
iris219 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I don’t need to know why it’s over either, but I do need to know it’s over. My ex disappeared without bothering to tell me it was over, and that was really hurtful. When someone is blindsided by a break-up, that person often want reasons and that's understandable. Suddenly their perspective of the relationship (things are great!) has been shattered and they're left unsure of what's reality. I think some people believe they can convince the other person to feel differently if they hear the reasons for the break-up. I wouldn't try to convince someone to be with me. Either they want a relationship with me or they don't. 1
johan Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 This is something I saw in another thread. I hear it around here a lot. People want to be sat down face to face and honestly told why they are broken up with. They will then interrogate the dumper to get "the answers". I have a totally different approach to break ups. All I need to know is that it's over. I don't even care how this message is delivered, text, mail, phone...it's all the same to me. I never ask the questions. I even stop them when they try to explain. All I do is say aha OK, and walk away. I actually think that the reasons they give you will rarely be honest and even in that case they are simply irrelevant. You are free to pursue others... I agree. I also think that when it comes to getting dumped, anything goes, to an extent. It's one of the few situations in life where you can be as jerky to someone as you want. Because they are hurting you and are minutes away from becoming completely irrelevant to your life. So knock yourself out. But people should recognize that they won't be getting much satisfaction or good information from that person. There is one relevant fact, and you found that out first thing: they want out. One reason why is about as good as any other. Forcing them to be brave and tell you what they didn't like about you seems like asking for them to strike the deepest, most painful and lasting blow before they go. Why do that to yourself? And they would really prefer not to be cruel, so chances are they won't be straight with you.
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I agree. I also think that when it comes to getting dumped, anything goes, to an extent. It's one of the few situations in life where you can be as jerky to someone as you want. Because they are hurting you and are minutes away from becoming completely irrelevant to your life. So knock yourself out. But people should recognize that they won't be getting much satisfaction or good information from that person. There is one relevant fact, and you found that out first thing: they want out. One reason why is about as good as any other. Forcing them to be brave and tell you what they didn't like about you seems like asking for them to strike the deepest, most painful and lasting blow before they go. Why do that to yourself? And they would really prefer not to be cruel, so chances are they won't be straight with you. It really shouldn't be an excuse to be a total Ahole to someone else though. When my ex cruelly dumped me I said good riddance. I hope someone one day screws you over aswell. He better not come complaining to me one day. I'd have zero empathy. Why is being the dumper always a cop out to be cruel?
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 They aren't perfect themselves. Far, far from it.
january2011 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I actually think that the reasons they give you will rarely be honest and even in that case they are simply irrelevant. You are free to pursue others... But people should recognize that they won't be getting much satisfaction or good information from that person. There is one relevant fact, and you found that out first thing: they want out. One reason why is about as good as any other. Forcing them to be brave and tell you what they didn't like about you seems like asking for them to strike the deepest, most painful and lasting blow before they go. Why do that to yourself? And they would really prefer not to be cruel, so chances are they won't be straight with you. Pretty much my view. It really doesn't matter what the reasons are. I don't even think it helps with closure. I don't see the point in duking it out and delaying the inevitable. I think that in many cases, the dumpee already knows the "real" reasons anyway, even if those reasons aren't the ones articulated by the dumper. So why make a unpleasant experience even more unpleasant? I can see an argument for a more detailed talk in the break-up of a long-term relationship, but a short-term relationship? Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Jan, this brings me to another point. This perhaps is more true for longer relationships. By the time they end, I ALREADY know the reasons. I know the weak points in the relationship, I know if there is a possibility of another person being involved. I am extremely observant and notice all the little things. So explanation is truly not needed. I am probably the easiest person in the world to dump.
carhill Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 We clarified the reasons for the ending of our M in MC. Other than that, I don't recall clarifying or ostensibly caring why other relationships ended. The end was all the answer I needed to move on to reconciling the lessons learned.
january2011 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Jan, this brings me to another point. This perhaps is more true for longer relationships. By the time they end, I ALREADY know the reasons. I know the weak points in the relationship, I know if there is a possibility of another person being involved. I am extremely observant and notice all the little things. So explanation is truly not needed. I am probably the easiest person in the world to dump. Yep, I knew the writing was on the wall when my last LTR broke up. Then I discovered his reconnection with his ex (via his email), so my suspicions were confirmed. I really didn't need to know anymore than that.
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