eeruppert0908 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Earlier on in the relationship, I busted him in some lies, but didn't think much of it. We are both alcoholic and met at AA and lying tends to be a trademark for alcoholics. However, he is in recovery and the whole premise of the AA program is honesty. Long story short, he is not drinking, but he is lying and I finally reached out to his sister to find out what his scoop was. She and I were never on good terms, but I decided that I needed to talk to her and ask her some questions. In the end, I was informed that Kyle, my bf, has always been a chronic liar. According to his sister, he would lie so much that he would forget his own lies! Wish I had talked to the sister four years ago. He is lying about trivial things and big things and, after packing my bags and just about out the door, he begged my in tears to stay and said that he was going to everything he could to be an honest person. For an alcoholic, going to several AA meetings a week and meeting with a sponsor regularly is a start. He started seeing a spiritual ad visor/therapist who deals with patents in recovery. But, we are now over a month from the day that I was almost out the door for good and I busted him in a few lies just yesterday. They were stupid lies that he told me to avoid confrontation with me. At this time, I would like to add that I am a firm believer that an "orgasm" is a very special, intimate experience that, if in a relationship, should solely be shared between lovers. Therefore, I do not tolerate masturbation. In addition, I do not tolerate porn either. My lover should not be fantasizing and getting off on another woman period. In the course of the 4 years that we have been together, I have actually busted him only twice (the second time he claimed he pulled up some images on the computer and started to feel guilty and closed the web page within seconds).
Author eeruppert0908 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 So, while I am trying so hard to be optimistic, my guess is that he has been looking at porn more than just the two times I caught him in 4 years. He animatedly denies it and says he is not "into porn," but, again, we are dealing with a liar. To make matters worse, he has been "working" a lot, late and on the weekends and one night after going to work during the day and then an AA meeting afterwards, he came home around 10:15pm. I was in bed and he came to my side of the bed to greet me and I told him to take off his pants and started to give him a blow job. I noticed the smell of vagina on his penis and confronted him about it and he told me that he hadn't showered that day and that it was from our sex the night previous. I know my vagina doesn't smell strongly and definitely not strongly enough to last over 24 hours on a hard-working, sweating dude. Never in the 4 years we have been together did I dream he would cheat, but there was a gut wrenching feeling that I can't explain and I was almost certain he cheated on me. I ran out of the house to look through his truck right away and found a bottle of KY Jelly under the driver seat. When confronted, he finally told me that he bought it to masterbate with, which, of course, is a violation of my values and the broundaries we established with one another. So, he was lying to me about masterbating and sneaking around after I told him that I would give him any form of sexual satisfaction he wanted whenever he wanted, but to save the moment to share with me in one way or another. I even told him he could slip his penis in me in the middle of the night while I was asleep if he just needed to get off...just please do not have sex with yourself and experience the orgasm with my provocation. So this was about 4 weeks ago. Just last week, we were on vacation and I was looking for something in his backpack and found an old, expired condom. We never use condoms (only time we did was after giving birth to our son for a month and our son is only 7 months old). The expiration date on the condom was 2008 which is the year we met. He claimed that it was probably in there from when we first got together. So we are dealing with dishonestly, disrespect, and also the fear that he may be cross addicting. He put a cork in the bottle, but is he supplementing his drinking with sexual gratification? We have a LOT of sex.....there is no NEED for masturbation or to find another partner or anything. Plus,like I said, I am always available to him whether it be in the kitchen, at the park, in the car, wherever....I will sexually relieve him because I feel an orgasm and sex is something to solely be shared between lovers. He has known this since the beginning of our relationship and promised me that he had no need for anything extra-curricular including pornography and masturbation. As I said, we have a baby now and I am trying very hard to try to trust him and have faith that the help he receives will relieve him of his dishonesty. However, as an alcoholic myself, addicts are very hard to change. There is so much more I want to write, but I need to get some feedback ASAP so I will leave it here. Do I give him some time to work on himself so there is a chance that we can raise our son together or do I just bail now since he has always been a dishonest person? Trust is the foundation of ANY relationship. There is none here, but a little faith is left and my baby boy, Clayton, keeps that bit of faith burning. Thanks
LondonBridges Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Asking a man not to masturbate is not logical IMO. People masturbate - it's normal. I can understand where you are coming from with regards to wanting that experience with YOU alone rather than him relieving himself, but you're not going to get that from any man. Men masturbate, and most of them to porn, which to me is more of an issue, aside from the lying. He is a "known" liar base on your post, so when he tells you he does not watch porn, he is lying. Of course he watches porn, and of course he is masturbating. He is just trying to avoid conflict with you so he's gonna lie until the cows come home. Men who watch porn do not want to give it up. They like it, it's easy, convenient and gets the job done fast. It provides the variety that they desire. He's not going to give that up even if you had dirty sex with him 2x a day. If he's telling you he doesn't watch it, he's lying. He probably has the KY to jack off in his truck so he won't get busted by you jacking off at home. As for the smelling like a vagina, I think it's possible it was because he hadn't showered and there was some left over smell from you in combination with his own body odors after working all day. THAT is not automatically a red flag for me, but I can see how it would be for you because you are highly sensitive about what he is up to. He is a liar, and he masturbates to porn - all of which you dislike. Where do you draw the line? Is this really something you think is going to get better with counseling and some effort? I don't...
LondonBridges Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 It's not going to get better with counseling because as for these particular issues he's not the one who requires therapy. I think his consistent lying is an issue that is therapy-worthy but whether any good would come of that, I have my doubts. I agree that some of her expectations are illogical, but he is not fault-free either.
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