First love, she broke up, commitment phobe(?) and reconciliation

[BrokenBox]

Well hi there. Long story coming up, bear with me...

 

Some background

I'm a 22 year old guy, and have never really played along with the whole partying / short-term dating scene. I was looking for a long-term stable relationship, and went on a well known dating site to see if I could find that.

 

I found someone, and for two months it was amazing. We kissed and cuddled a lot, held hands while watching series/movies, played games together, slept together (no intercourse yet). It was amazing and when I was with her, it was all perfect.

 

But she didn't want to see me more than once a week. We spoke about this, and she admitted that she had a hard time emotionally bonding with people, and that it was somewhat scary to her to share so much time with one person all of a sudden. I admitted to her that to me it seemed like she maybe didn't like me so much, and I literally asked her if she did like me - she told me she did. We told each other to work on it, and we saw each other about twice a week.

 

Break up week

By this time I poured my heart into her. I started loving her (no it's not just the thrills, I know I love her especially now it's over), and maybe that was too soon. I sent her a text that I really missed her and that my heart was very close to hers - in hindsight this might have triggered her CP.

 

After this text, it all started to fade. I got no response at all to this text, and to other texts she'd respond very slowly and non-enthusiastically. She didn't want to hang out because she was 'busy' and well all that ****. It started eating at me, and one time I called her and she wanted to postpone seeing each other yet another week (hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks now). I broke down and told her I couldn't do that. In the call we talked a bit about "will this ever work" and I told her I didn't want to "let it crash on the phone" - this might not have been my best move, because I didn't really want to break up.

 

The next day I went to her to talk, and told her that I wanted to work on us, that we shouldn't give up yet. That I wanted to give her some space so she could think. I took her hands and told her all that, also apologizing for me doubting that she liked me.

 

What I got back was "it's not you, it's me, and I need to figure out if I want a relationship, and for now I think I need to have no relationship at all." and that was it. One last hug and "we've had a good run", and I left her place. We called it 'mutual', but I know it was actually her breaking up with me.

 

Post break-up

I feel absolutely terrible right now, and am constantly thinking of what I've done wrong and how I could have avoided this. How I shouldn't have told her that I loved her so soon. I knew that once a week wouldn't work for me, but the way I feel now - it feels waaaay worse. I can't simply stop caring for her.

 

I've been writing down my thoughts in order to ease my mind a bit - and I've written a good ten pages in hand-writing already. It helps shortly, but then I start dreaming about her at night, about how beautiful it all was, and then I'm back to square one and I don't want to get out of bed.

 

 

Reconciliation?

She doesn't seem all too happy about it either. On facebook she's pretending to be happy, ofcourse, but there were also some dark and remorseful song-lyrics. I promised myself not to look at her facebook because it was over (and I haven't contacted her since), but the past week has been so hard on me, and I've been reading up a lot on commitment phobia. And I notice that I'm now hoping that she's regretful and wants to reconcile. I was also her first love, and maybe that scared her a bit. We were both equally 'inexperienced' (virgins), and to me it seemed so beautiful to discover this whole road with each other - and I was hoping she felt the same way. And I can't bear to see her meet some other guy, who doesn't want commitment himself, who takes her virginity and then dumps her, destroying her in the process. I still care for her a lot, is the bottom line I guess...

 

So we haven't spoken in a week, and I catch myself hoping that she'll contact me again, telling me she regrets her descision. In the meantime, I really want to contact her, and ask her what my part in the relationship failing was - as I can't imagine that my actions/behavior had no part in the break-up. She says it's her and not me, but I don't buy that. And if there's no reconciliation possible, I want to walk away from this relationship while having learned something - I want to know what I did to drive her away, so I won't make the same mistakes with a possible future relationship...

 

Also I wanted to then ask a bit about her phobia, and where it came from and how she actually _felt_ in the relationship. And then maybe to see if we can try it again, if we both work on it and talk about it... But I'm not sure if me initiating contact is the good thing to do, as that may just confirm in her mind that I'm too 'needy' for her, and drive her away further. On the other hand, it's been very clear that she doesn't really initiate contact often, so I'm not sure if she'll ever start talking to me on her own. So then I start thinking that maybe she's hoping that I'll contact her. Either way, I don't know.

 

I myself have thought a lot about my issues in the relationship, about how I couldn't 'live' with seeing her only once a week. I realized that the issue resided in the fact that I kept checking up on her, and expected her to spend her free time with me. And then when I knew she was free (seeing it through FB), I wondered why she didn't call me to hang out. And that I can work on not checking up on her so much, and leaving her to her space.

 

Bottom line is that I still love her and therefore still hope there's room for a second chance.. I really want to get back with her, and I'm not sure what the 'proper' course of action is right now...

 

 

Anyway this post is waay to long and I'm sure i'm forgetting stuff. So ask away and if you see anything I'm obviously oblivious to, do shoot.

[Toru]

You love this girl after 2 months and you only saw her twice a week.

So that means you saw her about 16 times. She told you she had commitment issues from the start and yet one of the first things you do after 2 months is send her very committed messages.

I think you guys just have a incompatibility in this point of your life and for it to go wrong after 2 months doesn't say a lot about the future.

Imo when you love someone really much, you want to be with that person as much as you can. Sure there is taking things slow, but the way she sounds I don't think she really truly loved you, or could ever.

 

Proper course of action is go NC, and heal up. You'll find someone. Don't think she's it.

[BrokenBox]

Yes I know that the commited text was probably the turning point.. But she herself sent me a text with <3 and "I miss you" as well, just a week before that. So it's not like I sent it out of the blue, I was feeling like things were getting better and I could show her my feelings for her more.

 

The times I did see her were great great great. Those times I remember waking up next to her, were the most happy times in my life. I wanted to be with her as much as I could, and I know she probably didn't really love me back yet. I tried to keep myself in line, but obviously I went a little too far.

 

The point is, she did say that she'd tell me if I became too over-enthusiastic and she needed some space - she never did this. She just took her distance after I talked to her again about her not answering my messages. She did tell me she became 'tired' of me bringing it up over and over again (i did this 3 times in total, asking her why she avoided me and if she still liked me then..).

 

I then waited a few days before seeking contact again, as to not seem too needy, and then sent her another text. I guess the damage was already done by then - she took a full day to reply. The next week she was planning all sorts of **** with her friends, and apparently there was no room for me.

 

Still I don't think we should have given up, because the '****' only happened through messenger. When we were together, everything seemed perfect, so I was about to just cut the whole online communications **** out a bit - but I was too late I guess.

[Sameold]

Dude, 2 months! I know it just still hurt but how well can you really know the girl. If it makes you feel any better I just lost my girl of 3.5 years for seemingly no real reason.

 

You need to employ NC now and just let her drift away. If you think it will help you to tell her you think she should have fought for it then tell her, it may provide closure but at some point just stop.

 

The dumpee will trick themselves in to believing what they are doing is right, they choose a course of action (the dumping, or moving out ...whatever) and stick to it for a while if not forever. It's akin to starting a course at college, most people do it and don;t actually think about whether or not it was the right choice until they are in the middle of it. So she will think about it, but 2 months is so short I think you got really wrapped up in all this way too quick.

Seeing someone once a week sucks too.

[BrokenBox]

I know it's only two months.. And, well, feeling so bad about such a short relationship, only makes me think that I might become scared of loving someone ever again - for what if I get a longer relationship, and it blows up then, would it feel even worse?

 

I am doing no-contact now, but I hope she is going to talk to me. I haven't closed the channels for her to reach me, but I do have the discipline to keep myself from starting a conversation, if I think that's the best course of action (or no-action)

[BrokenBox]

And I also somehow feel like I can't just drop her like that. She said numerous times that she didn't want me to be the victim of her problems - which leaves me thinking that she cut me out to protect me from her, while I would love nothing more than supporting her through the period that she's trying to deal with it..

 

I genuinely feel that I should try to make one last effort..

[Ruby65]

Your best shot at reconciliing eventually is to not contact her. Your best path toward healing is also to not contact her.

 

She's been mercifully upfront with you and isn't leading you on. That's a blessing. Give her time and space to miss you..... and take this time to heal yourself, and remember there are so many other girls out there who WILL want to be with you and won't be keeping you at arms length the whole time.

 

I know it's easy to develop strong feelings for someone after just a few months. The feelings are real. I've had relationships of many different lengths -- including a 20 year marriage -- and I can tell you the pain is no different. When you lose someone you're attached to, it hurts like hell.

 

The good news is, with a relationship that was as short as yours, you haven't wasted months or years on someone, haven't moved in together, had kids, made a life together..... so it's relatively uncomplicated for you to move on!

 

RESIST the urge to contact her. Whatever reason you're giving yourself for contacting her, it's not real, you're only fooling yourself.

 

IF she wants to talk to you, she will contact you. HONEST.

 

Keep posting and reading on this site, there's real help available here!

[BrokenBox]

"Your best shot at reconciliing eventually is to not contact her. Your best path toward healing is also to not contact her." That's actually an eye-opener. Also that IF she wants to contact me, she will.

 

Indeed, there's some real help to be found here.

 

Thank you Ruby.

[Thisisbs]

My situation is kind of similar to yours. I was never into flings, short term, girlfriend just cause type of relationships. It's hard to expect someone my age to feel the same way though. I've known this girl for a long time, and we've been friends for about 2 years before we started dating, and we dated for 2 months as well. I was also insecure and w/e and asked her if she liked me, and she also became distant in 2 weeks. She was "busy" and I had poured my heart to her. She also said that she didn't know if she was ready to commit or if she really wanted a relationship.

 

 

I can relate to a lot of the things you're feeling now, don't analyse what you did wrong and analyse every single detail of the relationship because that will screw with your head. It was her, not you. She wasn't ready or she simply did not like you enough because two months is not enough time for everyone to grow such strong feelings.

 

Goodluck, and go NC until she makes it clear she wants to talk about getting back together.

[Samilia]

Personally I can't help thinking she wants a relationship, just not with you.

Seeing someone once a week for a couple month it's called dating, at best, but I don't see it as a relationship.

 

If she was on a dating site chances are she was dating other men, or want to date other men, she probably wasn't as much into you as you are into her.

 

It's easy to tell someone "it's not you it's me", next thing you know she's with another guy..

 

Give it another try if you want to, but I think you'll end up hurting yourself more.

[BrokenBox]

@Thisisbs: thanks for sharing your story. Somehow it helps.

 

@Samilia: couldn't be further from the truth. I got to know her relatively well, knew what she was up to up until the last 2 weeks of the relationship. She's not looking for other men and when we got together, she edited her dating profile stating that she's not active anymore. Right after the break-up she deleted the profile altogether (as did I), so I don't think there are any other men involved.

 

I do agree that she wasn't as much into me as I was into her. But I was willing to wait and let it grow. There certainly was a connection. She wanted to make it work as well, but in the last conversation (when I tried to salvage things) she told me she was afraid that it would only postpone the end - by that time I already royally screwed it up.

[BrokenBox]

The morning is hard again, but well I've got a new question..

 

On the night where we broke up, I basically told her I wanted to fight for us, and I apologized for my insecure behavior and not trusting her for her word when she made clear she liked me. I asked her several times (2 or 3 maybe) if she didn't want me to be there to support her while she worked things out.

 

Would this monologue be considered 'begging'?

 

(also I haven't spoken or sought contact with her after our final words to each other)

 

Edit// Something else that's bothering me, is what if she broke it off just to save me the pain of her not being able to commit? That scenario keeps haunting me.. that she didn't want to break it off, but did it in order to not hurt me in the long run.. Which would mean she will not contact me again for reconciliation..

Edited July 16, 2012 by BrokenBox

[Ruby65]

I think it's pretty standard for there to be a certain amount of begging and pleading in a breakup, so I wouldn't beat yourself up over it even if you did do a little of this.

 

Your sticking to NC now is making much more of an impression than anything you said or did during the last conversation you had with her.

 

One of the gifts of NC is that it restores our sense of dignity and self-control, which is especially important after indulging in some less-than-dignified-behavior.

 

The scenario you've created sounds very unlikely to me. Generally if people want to be with someone, they don't break up with them, despite their fears of commitment. However it's VERY common for people to use not wanting to be in a committed relationship as an excuse to break up with someone.

 

I think honestly this scenario could be your mind's way of trying to deny her decision -- and possibly to give yourself an excuse to make contact.

 

Think of this breakup as quitting smoking. Right now your mind is working out ways to try and convince you that it's okay to contact this girl, just like it would be trying to convince you that just one cigarette won't do you any harm.

 

Give yourself time.... at least a few weeks to gather yourself and your thoughts. You can always contact her then, but right now there's nothing you can say or do that's going to have a favorable impact with her.

 

There's never a situation that was made worse by giving it time and space.

 

In the meantime, IF she changes her mind, she really will contact you and let you know.

 

Keep going, you're doing GREAT!

[BrokenBox]

Well, I just figured out what I probably did wrong in the relationship - being an indecisive nice-guy. To my guy friends, I normally come up with random ideas to do stuff, and everybody seems to really like it when I do that - enthusiasm etc.

 

To my ex, because it was all new to me, I was a little uneasy still and let her tell me what she liked (because I didn't want to force me upon her). I was just about to turn that around and had made some nice date plans, and I was almost ready and comfortable to act with no insecurities, like I do with my guy friends - but well mere days before what I had planned it crashed.

 

Immediately I started analyzing all the times I was indecisive in the relationship, all the moments where it went wrong and where I should have seen it - but then I caught myself and thought;

 

"what does it matter? I've got two options: 1) overanalyze every bit until my brain is fried and I'm completely miserable, while not gaining ANYTHING on the situation. 2) let it go, be happy with the fact that I learned something, and continue to do nothing as there is nothing to gain from mulling it over and over again. Either way, overanalyzing or not, the end result is still that I'll have to accept it, leave it for what it is and try to move on"

 

Well at least that's what I think right now. Could be different tomorrow morning, but at least I'm making some progress I guess..

 

And Ruby, thanks again for your reassuring words. They do really help and I find that I should mention that I felt quite good for a few hours after your post, and actually did something productive with my hobby. Also I'm pouring my emotions in playing some songs on the guitar all day, it seems to help. So really, thanks. Even though you're all strangers to me, it does help and it makes me regain some trust in humanity.

[Pod81]

There are a lot of girls around your age that just don't have the emotionally maturity to be in a committed, long-term relationship - same as the case with my ex. They have too little life and dating experience to know how to operate in a relationship and their capacity to love is simply very limited. I can almost guarantee you that this girl has no history of long-term relationships. Many people at that age have other priorities that just more important (friends, school, career, etc). My ex even admitted to me that she couldn't let herself fall deeply in love and came up with EXCUSES not to. If it makes you feel any better, consider yourself lucky that your relationship only lasted 2 months whereas mine lasted 15 months. Is it possible that you being an indecisive nice guy played a role in the break-up? It could very well be, but it sounds to me like that is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things. You could have been an amazing boyfriend and likely ended up with the same results. Bottom line, both of you wanted two different things out of the relationship and that's always a recipe for disaster. Keep your head up and know that you deserve someone who will put you at a MUCH MUCH higher priority!

[BrokenBox]

Well I've been reading a lot and I've come to the conclusion that applying "no contact" as a means of getting your ex back is a childish mind-game. NC is for when I want to move on and see no salvaging in the relationship.

 

But I do see salvaging, I've discovered what my errors were and I'm working on bettering that now. In the meantime I'm considering going into low contact. That is, telling her that while I don't agree with the break-up, i accept that it's what she wants now and that I cannot change that.

 

And with that, maintain some casual contact as to not lose each other out of sight, while I figure out if the relationship is something I find worth salvaging, and trying again after I've addressed my own issues and are capable of being better relationship material - be it with her or someone else.

 

Again, I do feel bad for going No Contact while we broke up on good terms, and I think it's manipulative to use this to get her back - and it won't solve the issues in the end.

 

Edit// Also just wanted to add that deciding to keep some low frequency casual contact with her, has actually made me feel really good. Just the decision feels so much better than just cutting her out with total no contact. Also I have no expectations of it.

Edited July 17, 2012 by BrokenBox

[salmagundi]

I bet the only reason this decision to maintain 'low contact' is making you feel better is that its providing you with a temporary boost of hope. But it won't help you to get over her. As for 'salvaging' this relationship (normally we salvage broken wreckage and **** that washes up on the beach), you may see a chance. But why? Does she see a chance? I mean, thats what really matters, all you can do is engage in wishful thinking.

[BrokenBox]

Well then ofcourse, the best way to find out if she thinks it's worth salvaging, must be to NOT talk to her and cut all contact..

 

/sarcasm

[salmagundi]

Sorry If I came off like a knowitall jerk in my last post, the sarcasm is unnecessary. I was honestly just offering my opinion:) And, again honestly, cutting contact probably is what many if not most people here WOULD say is the best way to find out if there is anything to be saved of this relationship.

 

Sucks to hear and it sucks more if its true but chasing after something thats gone often leads to a world of pain and prolonged suffering. Go read the 'Secong Chances' forum and you'll see that in fact, there are very few second chances and even fewer that work out...

 

But I'm just saying. What do I know...you do what you gotta do for you and tell us how it works out either way..

[BrokenBox]

Well she did respond and I have done some inner workings on not acting clingy, so after my initial contact I just kept quiet - after 3 days she replied.

 

For me a massive victory to myself, that I did not go needy and clingy by asking "did you get my email" through some other form of communication - which was the whole culprit of her breaking up with me. She didn't say so, but after a long inner search and some help from the internets on needy/clingy people, I figured out that my needy style of communication was what drove her away.

 

As for what the outcome with her will be, I'll just have to see where it lands.