he's slipping away - LDR

[sarahmonty2012]

Hi,

 

I recently came out of a very long term relationship where my partner cheated on me a few times.

 

Thats over and I have met this great guy. The only problem is that he lives the other side of the world to me.

 

I have major trust issues and get a bit paranoid when he doesn't text or skype as much. It does feel like he is somewhat less interested lately. But when i mention this to him it makes it worse as he says he thought things were going well but when I say things like that I make him doubt the whole thing.

 

I'm going through a lot at the moment after splitting with my ex, selling house, furniture etc etc..i also have immigrated a couple of years ago so still trying to build real friendships. I guess i was just looking for a little support but it fell flat.

 

He is quite a reserved guy and I think I am probably misunderstanding him.

 

He still texts me everyday but it is not as much as what he used to. I miss him and just want a bit more contact.

 

I just dont know whether my hunch of him slipping away is paranoia or if i need a wake up call that he is just not that interested anymore. I dont know if i should just end this thing now..but i dont want to throw away a good thing because of fear of being hurt.

 

Wow i didnt expect to write that much!

 

Thanks for reading

[justwhoiam]

I have major trust issues and get a bit paranoid when he doesn't text or skype as much.

Hi Sarah, I totally know what you mean. I tend to think that many girls might be perceived as paranoid when it comes to this kind of issues, especially when you address them with him. I don't know how long you've been knowing him, but you'll need time before you can get over it.

 

It does feel like he is somewhat less interested lately. But when i mention this to him it makes it worse as he says he thought things were going well but when I say things like that I make him doubt the whole thing.

I can relate to what you're saying. I guess he genuinely just hasn't got a clue. We just have different needs. But when HE will be the one being in need, he won't think twice to let you know and being needy around you.

 

I guess i was just looking for a little support but it fell flat.

Who's not looking for some from the one they love? Only you know for sure if he's being totally careless, or just appearing as such. He's in touch with you every day. That must mean something.

 

not as much as what he used to. I miss him and just want a bit more contact.

Plainly said, you wish he went the extra mile, and he's not doing it. Maybe that didn't even cross his mind (most probably). Guys need help. I personally don't feel like helping him in that. I say to myself: can't he really know what I like? What I hope and wish? Why is he not giving it to me. I'm sure most of the time he starts with good intentions and then he gets caught up in his own stuff every day.

 

I just dont know whether my hunch of him slipping away is paranoia

It is very likely to be so...

 

or if i need a wake up call that he is just not that interested anymore.

Just give it some more time and see if he can do anything for you. Women tend to put everything into a relationship. And we would expect the same in return, which is not always the case.

 

I dont know if i should just end this thing now..but i dont want to throw away a good thing because of fear of being hurt.

As the saying goes... make me a prophet, and I'll make you rich. There's no way to tell if this is going to be the right guy for you, just like in any other relationship. Let him know what you are really looking for and give it some time. If nothing changes, then he was not the right one.

[january2011]

I wrote something similar in another thread where the OP was feeling very similar to you. Some guys get comfortable after a certain point and they don't feel that they need to keep contacting you to maintain your interest in the relationship. They just feel confident that you will stick around. What they don't realise is that when they dial down the contact, you usually notice the change and it actually makes you question his interest.

 

And if you bring it up with him, it can make him question the relationship or he can come back to you and reassure you that everything is great at his end, he just feels "comfortable" and "confident" about the relationship. The latter is what happened in the other thread. But your guy fits the first situation.

 

Being in a long-distance relationship can make both parties insecure if the communication is not at the frequency that they both want to feel sure of the relationship and to maintain the bond between them.

 

What you can do is to either ask that you both bring the communication frequency back up to a level that you're happy with. Or you make your world bigger by focusing on friends, family, hobbies, work, study and become less focused on him/her. Or you do both. When you talk to him, make sure that you reassure him that this kind of open and honest talking is important and that he shouldn't naturally jump to conclusions that you want out. With an LDR you just need to do more checking-in on the state of the relationship. If he can't handle that, then he may not be very suited to maintaining an LDR.

 

He needs to understand that communication is very important in an LDR and that you need more of it (or better quality, perhaps a 15 minute video chat or food date at a convenient time might make up for fewer texts?), but you also need to understand that he can't be your whole world.

 

On that note, you have been through a lot. You need to look for other ways to get emotional support rather than trying to get it mainly from one person. As I said previously, expand your world.

Edited July 15, 2012 by january2011

[sarahmonty2012]

Thank you for the great advice. Some things I sort of know but being a bit weak to deal with it. I think he might not have a clue about why I am wanting more from him and I will have to explain it. And if he is not willing to try and understand then I dont mean enough to him and I must move on. I just hope I do a good job of explaining. There is a 7 hour time difference between us which makes it really difficult to skype other than on weekends. I guess I'm just afraid we grow apart. I am wondering if writing an email might be a good idea so that I dont leave anything out. I don't think he wants a needy girlfriend but we need to find a half way point that we are both comfortable with.