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Posted

Hi there! First off I would like to say thaniks for reading and uber more thanks if you offer suggestions/input/support regarding this thread!

 

Long Story short, we have been an oil rig family for 8yrs, I am 38 w/3 children 12,8,5 their dad the oil worker for the past 8 yrs has worked 28 days out of province (canada) and 7 days home, this was great for us money was great I was close to my mom etc., anyways fast forward I was recently blindsided when I rec'd an email (after 14yrs of marriage) that moy marriage was over and that my husband found someone new and a new house etc., out of province,

I dealt with it we are in the process of divorce and I have moved on here's the sticky part!

The man I moved on with lives in Alberta the province where there dad lives, my childrens dad has not seen his children in over 4 months., I desperately want to move there this new man is great we have become great friends in the past 6 months chatting, meeting etc., he is going through a divorce as well although his is much more further ahead than mine.

Am i crazy to move out of Ontario to be with this man who I know will be terrific for myself and my children, the only family we have here is my mom and my 96 yr old gramma I do have brothers but they work out of town all the time. I am excited and without a custody order in place I am not sure what I can do. The best part is my childrens dad will only be a 3 hour drive away and they will be in the same province so him being involved may be a better opportunity for the children to form a relationship with him? Any input or if you want any more info feel free,

Posted (edited)

Sorry to hear about your husband's decision. It must have been quite shock for both you and the children.

 

No matter how delighted you are about this new relationship "you've moved on with," I think you should stay put for awhile for a number of reasons.

 

a) If the divorce petition was filed in Ontario, I believe if you move to Alberta you'll need to travel back and forth to make any appearances at court required in the jurisdiction where your petition was filed.

 

b) If you don't want to do that, then you will have to establish residency in Alberta before you can file -- residency period is one year.

 

c) Your kids may not have seen their father for four months, but on the other hand, you may be fooling yourself in thinking just because they'll be three hours away from him if you move to Alberta that will make any difference at all. Be careful that you aren't using that possibility as an excuse in an effort to justify moving so *you* can live closer to this new guy.

 

d) I imagine your kids have grown used to not having their father present in their lives due to the length of time he often was away from home working. They probably won't miss his absence that much, but *will* miss the presence of their grandmother, great-grandmum and occasional visits from their uncles.

 

I'd think long and hard about uprooting them from their friends, school and the "family circle" they know and love so soon after getting the news that their dad will no longer be part of your immediate family.

 

e) The guy you're so crazy about still isn't divorced himself. No matter how ga-ga you may be about each other, you're both in transition at the moment, and with children involved (perhaps on both sides?) it's not as simple as it would be if you were truly single and free of any obligations or dependents.

 

It probably will take time for the dust to settle in both of your lives after your divorces are final. Throwing a new relationship and a ready-made family into the mix so soon may very well have the opposite effect than you'd like.

 

f) If I understand what you wrote correctly, you've only known this guy six months. Again, if you were single and had no dependents it would be a different story, but as I said, no matter how little time your kids may have had their dad present in their lives, it will be very disruptive and possibly confusing to them to move half-way across the country to live with some man who isn't their father and not even married to their mum.

 

The possibility of putting your kids through yet another "abandonment experience" in the event things in Alberta don't work out is something you should give some serious thought about.

 

Bottom line? There are many reasons why jumping into another relationship so soon is not a good idea. Seriously, why the rush? If your relationship with this new guy is going to stand the test of time, It'll stand the test of time, if you get me.

 

All that aside, I'm curious why you're the one that's considering uprooting your family and moving, and not him? Whose idea was that? Yours or his?

 

Also, have you seen an attorney to handle your divorce? You should if you haven't as in your haste to have the divorce final as soon as possible, without legal counsel you may end up overlooking important issues that you'll regret for many years hence.

 

He/she also would be able to give you a definitive answer about what you can or cannot do if a custody order is not yet in place. I believe you can get a temporary order which is in effect until your case can be formally/finally heard, but that's the kind of advice you need to get from an attorney, not from others on an online discussion board about long-distance relationships.

 

In the meantime, if you haven't already seen this publication you might want to take a look. It doesn't answer every question that may come up and isn't a substitute for professional legal advice, but at least it will give you a general idea of what the issues and possible options are which you should take into consideration in the event you're not aware.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

Edited by TMichaels
  • Like 2
Posted

I think this reply is awesome! when I was a kid I got moved around a lot because my father was military. I think the younger kids might be okay even though it will still affect them but the 12 year old is at that time where he/she is establishing an identity. A lot of social factors like relationships with peers have a huge influence on self esteem and how they percieve themselves. I remember our worst move being around the time I was that age. Think about what's best for everyone. Get your stuff together and give him time to get his sorted and then start over together.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

@TMichaels Thank you!! for exactly all the thoughts i have been pondering, I needed someone outside of my circle hence why I came on here to be to just give me hard facts to look at and think about. I appreciate you taking the time to do that for me (in turn my children). Thank You.

 

It was a terrible shock to me when I supported my husband and his career for so long & then to be dumped. We are seeking counselling and we do have an attorney in place. I think this is why my soon to be ex can't file for divorce as he has only lived there for several months not a year yet.

 

My new guy and I have talked about him moving here, I wanted to move out to AB for employment and to be closer for their dad irregardless if this new guy was in the pic., he is the bonus!! haha He is very supportive and very positive in our lives.,

 

Thanks again for your time I appreciate your response deeply, it was truly the same thoughts i was having as well :)

Posted (edited)
We are seeking counselling and we do have an attorney in place.

 

When you say "we" have an attorney in place, I hope that doesn't mean you and your husband are sharing one. *You* should have your own attorney.

 

Do not use one for the both of you especially one that your husband has engaged. There is no way that one lawyer can represent both your interests fairly and objectively and avoid a conflict of interest. In fact, any legal professional worth his/her salt won't agree to represent you both.

 

If money is an issue, then definitely make sure that *your attorney's * fees are part of the settlement agreement -- as in since your husband initiated divorce proceedings and forced you to seek legal counsel to protect your and your children's interests -- you're seeking compensation from your husband to cover those costs as part of the divorce settlement.

 

That's a very common clause and issue to have covered in negotiations leading up to a divorce and included in the decree -- especially when you're not the one who instigated the split and shouldn't be "financially damaged" by another party's decision to do so.

 

I think this is why my soon to be ex can't file for divorce as he has only lived there for several months not a year yet.
Actually, I don't believe there's any reason he can't file for divorce -- in Ontario -- as that has been his legal residence for years. Another reason why you need to seek legal counsel and get an opinion. Filing in Ontario would be more expedient and wouldn't cost you as much time and money to appear in court nearly 1800 miles from where you are.

 

Quite frankly, if he wants out and you have no interest in saving the marriage, then get on with it. Otherwise you just may end up in limbo for a good long while.

 

He may be enamored with his new love right now, but that all could go south in an instant. Meanwhile, you've sat around waiting for a year for him to establish legal residence out there in order for him to begin divorce proceedings for nothing when he decides his "new life" wasn't as peachy-keen as he thought it would be and wants to come crawling home.

 

Or just as bad, he doesn't see any reason to get divorced as he's not interested in marrying someone else and will just continue living a free and easy life working away with the same or less physical presence in you and your family's life as before and call it good.

 

All depends of course, what you really want to do and whether you have any interest or think there's any value to salvaging your relationship, but...

 

I suggest you don't jump into making any life-altering decisions, get your own legal advice, and then decide what you want to do once the initial shock and sting of his infidelity and abandonment has worn off, and you've had a chance to put the thrill of this new guy into better perspective -- especially given your kids.

 

If after a few months of contemplation (and seeing how it goes with your husband) you have come to conclusion the marriage is not salvageable nor will be good for your children, then I would push for him filing for divorce in Ontario so you can bring things to a more speedy conclusion.

 

If he won't do that and continues to live out in Alberta, you should file yourself. "Separation" is the easiest, speediest and usually least expensive grounds for divorce to proceed with in Canada.

 

You need to be separated for one year BUT the period of the one-year separation starts at the time one spouse plans to live separate and apart from the other and acts on those plans -- so if he informed you/moved four months ago, the clock's already ticked down a third of the time necessary for you to file on the grounds of separation -- meaning going that route will bring about a quicker resolution than waiting on him to establish residency in Alberta running the risk that he won't bother to file at all.

 

BTW, there is no need for a legal document that says you are separated, as there is no legal separation in Canada, but I sure would keep a copy of any documentation you have (like the email he sent you) as proof of his intentions and plans and give a copy of that to your attorney for safe-keeping and documentation. Computer records have a way of disappearing in an instant due to mechanical failure or the touch of a button accidentally or purposefully. ;)

 

Thanks again for your time I appreciate your response deeply, it was truly the same thoughts i was having as well :)
You're welcome. Glad my comments were of some value. And, good luck.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited by TMichaels
  • Author
Posted

@TMichaels thanks again I hope no one ever takes your friendship for granted. I appreciate all that you have said.I really do.,

 

I do have my own attorney I marked the date to my attorney for seperation early February.I need to put my matrimonial house up for sale, he put a lien on my house i just found out for his $60 000 new truck to drive his lovely around in. I just rec'd a note notfying me the lien was lifted I am outraged he can treat us like this.......

 

A whole other topic *oy haha

 

thanks again I really appreciate your outlook

 

*btw I saw my lawyer 3 weeks ago to give her the retainer, how much longer before they type up the transcripts and then we file the 35.1 and then serve? It seems so long.....

Posted (edited)
I do have my own attorney

 

Good, glad to hear that.

 

I marked the date to my attorney for seperation early February .I need to put my matrimonial house up for sale, he put a lien on my house i just found out for his $60 000 new truck to drive his lovely around in. I just rec'd a note notfying me the lien was lifted I am outraged he can treat us like this.......
What a gem he is. (Not!) But, all the more reason why you need an attorney looking out for your and your children's interests.

 

*btw I saw my lawyer 3 weeks ago to give her the retainer, how much longer before they type up the transcripts and then we file the 35.1 and then serve? It seems so long.....
The 35.1 is just one of many forms that need to be prepared. That one deals with an Application for Custody, but other forms will need to be completed for such things as documenting/requesting child support, spousal support, living arrangements, and the division of property and debts.

 

All of those issues need to be defined then negotiated/agreed to by the two of you. The process has to start somewhere which is why whomever serves lays out what they want from the other party by filing various forms with the court system so that they become part of the legal records related to the law suit and the fun starts from there... ;)

 

The judge will also review all these documents including any mutually-agreed upon settlement the two of you have negotiated. The judge may or may not agree with what you and your spouse have come up with when it comes time to grant the divorce though usually it's not an issue unless something has been agreed to that the judge thinks is not in the childrens' best interests.

 

I don't know how long it will take your attorney to get the initial paperwork filed, but it's not going to be an instant process.

 

Even when you get to the one-year separation mark and your lawyer can formally petition the court for a hearing in front of a judge, it appears the average time for the decree to be granted in Canada is four to six months after that -- and that's in the event of an *uncontested* divorce where the two of you have agreed 100% to all points in the law suit.

 

You're paying your lawyer to represent you and he/she should expect you to ask questions like the above about the process. I'd give him/her a quick call and ask for an update and what you should expect/when -- at least during this initial phase.

 

In the meantime, here's another resource that might be helpful. As opposed to only focusing on Ontario provincial divorce law this one is from the Canadian Dept of Justice and provides some additional info that may be helpful.

 

thanks again I really appreciate your outlook
You're welcome. Best of luck to you.

 

TMichaels

Edited by TMichaels
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Posted

Thank you again TMichael's on behalf of myself and my children thank you!!

  • Author
Posted

thank you so much meeji. The responses you and TMichaels gave me are exactly why I posted and joined this group, to help me wrestle with what is right and to make sure i am thinking about all involved! The joys of trying to be a good Mom. Thanks for your input I am grateful. :)

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