Still stuck, and asking for agreement s from males who have already divorced

[NeverSettle]

Eight months separated from highly medicated cheating whore. We were together for 20 years of which over 17 years married. Both employed throughout all marriage. Two children 12 and 15. We both made about the same amount but she had better benefits - health insurance, 401k and profit sharing.

 

Lots of history and BS, but to spare everyone my total story and try to only ask a few basic questions with a bit of background first.

 

But I'm still bitter. I was devastated. First it was just the gaslighting, then the smokescreen and that we had grown apart, shes not happy, I drink too much, I like you but not in like with you...

 

She wanted me to move out but I wasn't moving fast enough. Then I find out about the old boyfriend. She moves out after living 2 months free of charge while I'm scraping all my savings together to try and make ends meet at the same time trying to smooth things out with kids and living with this alien soul inhabiting her body going out every night and could care less about the kids.

 

She said she didn't care about the house.

She said she wasn't going to ask for child support.

 

I get her to sign a quit claim deed because I can't afford the mortgage and all the credit card debt she stuck me with paying because it's in my name.

 

So I refinance the house after the second appraisal, to pay debts and loans and almost completely destroy my business because of time off fixing house and totally depressed.

 

We started right away with joint custody every other week and she decides to move her lover in with her right away while the kids are with me. But that soon turned into him being there all the time.

 

The kids have been strong and it has gotten a lot easier for me to deal with once there was NO CONTACT. I mean none at all. A couple text from her and email from me asking about what she did on taxes.

 

We have no separation agreement. I got served but she actually crossed out (my spouse committed adultery) and wrote in that "I myself" committed adultery to get what they call an absolute divorce rolling.

 

I contacted as many free consultations with lawyers as would bother with me and basically got 6 different opinions before. From I should go down and file for full custody, homestead use of the home, alimony and child support -to- an opinion that now would be a good time for me to claim bankruptcy and she would get the house and the courts would decide what kind of child support payments I would make and visitation rights.

 

Well that was before, and now the "free consultations" (two opinions) say she can't do what she did by crossing out "my spouse" and as soon as a judge reads what she has done, he/she will throw it out of court.

 

I did the stupid thing so far. I froze. I did nothing. I let the 30 days pass and still have not obtained a lawyer.

 

The thing is, she isn't asking for anything, nothing but joint custody. (She enjoys her week off from the kids to be with her new replacement) however, she currently is making about three times as much as me. I'm barely pulling in part time income and living week to week and almost could qualify for food stamps, I don't know. I can't really afford a lawyer but I need one and I'm not sure if I would lose dignity in all this if I asked that it be part of the separation agreement that she maintain the kids on her insurance, and give me child support, or if the judge will say that in the best interest of the kids, they should stay with her because of my current lack of full employment pay.

 

I definitly need some type of agreement that we stay in the district till the kids have grown because that is something she wanted to begin with.

 

If it wasn't for a lot of prayers and grace from God and the equity in the house that I had to use to clear up the credit card debt, i would have been sunk. Now I basically have about $15,000 equity with what the first appraisal came in at with -$5,000 deferred maintenance. I had to fix do a lot of things to get a better appraisal.

 

Aside from her $80,000 in a 401k that she has a 5 year loan against for $30,000 and me being on her health insurance, that is about all our assets. We live in an equitable distribution state an if I go after her 401k she could probably bring the house back on the table.

 

I want to know opinions if I would be losing dignity if I go after her 401k and/or child support, or if I should just be counting my blessings and just let her move on debt free and accept her offer of nothing while the cheating whore goes on her merry way.

 

Thanks for reading even though WTL.

[g450]

I say GO FOR IT! She is the one that left and cheated so stick it too her.

 

This day and age most women absolutely rape their ex husbands in court even though they were the ones that commited adultry. Its even worse when kids are involved. I have never understood this but it seems the mothers always seem to get whatever they want and some are downright nasty.

 

So deep six your pride and think of yourself and your kids. Sounds like she thinks she is going to get off easy. Dont let her win!

[carhill]

So, since you let the response period run without an answer, you essentially opened the door to a default judgment on the merits of the original filing, if found to be in compliance with statute. If she made errors in filing, and the petition is thrown out, then it should be back to square one.

 

Since the majority of your post hinges upon the business of divorce, that's where your focus should be. Find an attorney you mesh with, get some proper and complete (paid) legal advice and float the mediation balloon as a potential lower cost way out of this. A mediator can offer a lower cost (than lawyers) pathway assuming both parties are amenable.

 

What we did was use the self-help desk at the family law division at the courthouse and have a law school mediate the settlement for free. No regrets and we had some potentially expensive issues to settle. Of course, it took two people willing to negotiate.