turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 So where do we go from here ? You show some integrity and CALL YOUR WIFE and tell her you're leaving her because you have been having an affair and she deserves to be free from you, that you will let her file for divorce or you will, whichever SHE prefers. THEN you go screw your mistress.
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I'm not strong enough yet to just walk away from it. Try picturing your daughter's face when you tell her you've been screwing a woman halfway across the world who is NOT her mother. She will know - either this year or next year...and you will utterly shatter her belief in men. And she'll either go on to cheat on HER husband (we become what our parents are) or pick men will cheat on HER. I'm reading a book called Getting the Love You Want and it tells how we pick mates that make up for the missing parts of ourselves, or the damaged parts. If you go PA, that will define what your daughter looks for in a man.
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I will say this. I am beginning to question the wisdom of starting to bear my soul. Are you talking about bearing your soul here to US? What the hell did you expect us to say, spinning? Run off into the sunset with your mistress? You KNOW it's wrong, yet you come here. Were you looking for a go-ahead? The only people who are going to tell you it's ok are other cheaters. Do you know what the single worst thing that happened in my life was? My dad leaving my mom. It COMPLETELY altered my life for the worst. Utterly. It changed everything in my life, destroyed my self esteem, and made me distrust all men, which I have to work hard to overcome. Is YOUR selfishness, your LUST, worth more than your daughter's well being for the rest of her life?
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I will say this. I am beginning to question the wisdom of starting to bear my soul. Yes I'm in denial, yes I'm an utter **** bag but the rules asked me to state feelings which I'm trying very hard to do. Look 2 days ago I didn't even realise I was in an A. Does that sound stupid. As a male I guess I looked at the P not the E element of this. I think I can begin to understand the feelings of BS and yes I needed the reality wake up call. Most of what I'm reading here is positive but some isn't and I'm bang in the middle of something I'm really struggling with. Am I feeling sorry for myself and being selfish. I don't know I'm just trying to be open on here even if I can't (yet) be open with my W If you can't take the heat from a bunch of online strangers, imagine the heat you'll have to take from your wife, kids, family, and friends once they find out you are hitting some woman in HK. I'll tell you that a very common trait of people who cheat is this: an inability to be humble and admit their weaknesses and ACCEPT criticism. Maybe you could pull back from OW until you go home and instead spend that time working on your own self, work on becoming a better you, look for what you can do to at least TRY to improve your marriage so you'll choose it first over what your other head wants. Look, we don't hate you. At all. We just see a trainwreck coming and we're trying to wake you up so you don't get run over. We all KNOW what's about to happen if you choose the wrong thing. That's why we do this - to help people step away from the ledge. Do this tonight: look up PEA chemicals and what it does in affairs. And look up how long it lasts (2-3 years). If you choose OW, that 'high' you're feeling is going to wane in under 3 years and then all you'll have left is an empty apartment with a woman who dates married men, and your past life - wife, adoring kids, loving family and friends - all gone.
Furious Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 And sorry do I miss my kids like crazy. You bet I do. This is coming from the man who chose to work thousands of miles away from them. A man who would rather be near the other woman rather than near his children spending time with them. You don't miss them enough if every waking moment is spent talking, thinking and being with another woman. Just think, in a matter of days, or months, your children will be dealing with their parents splitting up, having to perhaps move from the family home, witness their Mum fall apart, and lose all respect for their father. 1
Author Spinning Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Of course I don't hate you all. All I'm going to say for now is I'm on my way home and if hurts. It hurts like hell. I can't think rationally ATM but I do know my marriage is in pieces and needs sorting one way or another. That's all your getting from me just now. It will take me an hour to get home. You might get something more then. Don't count on it
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Of course I don't hate you all. All I'm going to say for now is I'm on my way home and if hurts. It hurts like hell. I can't think rationally ATM but I do know my marriage is in pieces and needs sorting one way or another. That's all your getting from me just now. It will take me an hour to get home. You might get something more then. Don't count on it Because we're not 'being nice' to you? Seriously?
frozensprouts Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 one more comment... I know it may seem like many on here are in your wife's/your marriage's "corner" and not supporting your feelings for your other woman... it may seem that way, but I think what people are trying to say is that is whatever you decide about your marriage, do it for the right reasons, and at least give your wife the knowledge she needs to make full and informed decisions about her life and what she wants. Lying to er about what you are doing deprives her of what she needs to know to make those choices. even worse would be to pin all the blame for your unhappiness on her. if your marriage is in trouble, then why is it in trouble ? do you even want to stay married? If not, then end things with your wife...doing that should not depend on what your other woman decides to do. If you want to keep your marraige, then your other woman has no place in your life ( if you want to live honestly), and you can't fix what you feel is wrong in your marriage if there is another woman in the picture. is there any way that you can take a few days away from work where you can spend time on your own with no contact with either woman while you try and figure some things out? that would mean no cell phone with you, no computer, etc.
Author Spinning Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 one more comment... I know it may seem like many on here are in your wife's/your marriage's "corner" and not supporting your feelings for your other woman... it may seem that way, but I think what people are trying to say is that is whatever you decide about your marriage, do it for the right reasons, and at least give your wife the knowledge she needs to make full and informed decisions about her life and what she wants. Lying to er about what you are doing deprives her of what she needs to know to make those choices. even worse would be to pin all the blame for your unhappiness on her. if your marriage is in trouble, then why is it in trouble ? do you even want to stay married? If not, then end things with your wife...doing that should not depend on what your other woman decides to do. If you want to keep your marraige, then your other woman has no place in your life ( if you want to live honestly), and you can't fix what you feel is wrong in your marriage if there is another woman in the picture. is there any way that you can take a few days away from work where you can spend time on your own with no contact with either woman while you try and figure some things out? that would mean no cell phone with you, no computer, etc. Not unless I throw a sickie. It's OK I believe I can deal with the work side easy enough. The rest of it I'll make a start on when I wake up tomorrow and try to make sense of it all.
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Yes, I hope you don't think we're chewing you out or disparaging you. We're just trying to help you make the choice that will hurt you the least. If you want to be with this woman, then do the right thing and end your marriage first, ok? That way, it will cause the least amount of grief all around and spare a BIT of your integrity. But I think most of us wish you would first take a good hard look at your marriage and what you'd be throwing away.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) Of course I don't hate you all. All I'm going to say for now is I'm on my way home and if hurts. It hurts like hell. I can't think rationally ATM but I do know my marriage is in pieces and needs sorting one way or another. That's all your getting from me just now. It will take me an hour to get home. You might get something more then. Don't count on it Why did you break it off with the OW? Your marriage is obviously ****ed anyway, and you should be happy to be in love that much. Edited July 16, 2012 by utterer of lies
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Why did you break it off with the OW? Your marriage is obviously ****ed anyway, and you should be happy to be in love that much. Yeah, let's just forget about those pesky little things like commitment and integrity. They just get in the way.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Yeah, let's just forget about those pesky little things like commitment and integrity. They just get in the way. He can tell his wife that it's over and ask for a divorce. A lot of things in his marriage are obviously already broken, so much that his wife would rather stay behind than with him. Why not be honest and accept that his marriage is over? He could fully enjoy his newfound love, without having to either lie or cheat or suffer...
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 He can tell his wife that it's over and ask for a divorce. A lot of things in his marriage are obviously already broken, so much that his wife would rather stay behind than with him. Why not be honest and accept that his marriage is over? He could fully enjoy his newfound love, without having to either lie or cheat or suffer... Again, what about commitment and integrity? Or is it all about filling your selfish wants and needs whenever that pesky commitment gets in the way. Spouses are not disposable. When the dishes are dirty, you don't throw them away; you wash them.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Again, what about commitment and integrity? If he divorces his wife, his integrity stays intact. Spouses are not disposable. When the dishes are dirty, you don't throw them away; you wash them. And when your marriage is over, you pretend everything is ok and keep both partners in a state of unhappiness and despair? Great idea. Much better than admitting it's over and finding someone to actually be happy with....not.
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 If he divorces his wife, his integrity stays intact. And when your marriage is over, you pretend everything is ok and keep both partners in a state of unhappiness and despair? Great idea. Much better than admitting it's over and finding someone to actually be happy with....not. If he divorces his wife, his integrity is not remotely intact. He had an EA and left his wife. The funny thing about marriage is that it is never supposed to be "over." It is a lifetime commitment for better or worse. When worse comes along, you fix the problems and the fact that you withstood that challenge is what makes it a beautiful thing. Leaving when times get tough just shows that you never should have been married in the first place. That's not integrity but it is typical of people that are just out for #1 even when they've taken vows to do otherwise. It's even worse when children are involved. Now they are also taught that adults just throw things in the trash when they aren't fun anymore. Too bad we're not talking about toys but about the people that have dedicated their entire lives to you. Nice cycle.
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I don't think you should put the burden on the OW of whether or not you choose to have the break up ultimatum conversation with your wife. You need to break up with your wife regardless of this OW. Then when you have that true freedom you can decide whether you even want this OW. No, you need to break it off with the OW regardless of what is wrong with your marriage. And then you go fix your marriage.
Furious Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Jeez, Was/Is our marriage over ? Who knows ? It certainly wasn't disasterous but it certainly wasn't overly sexual, neither was it sexually stale. I'd always made in plain that one day we'd be going to work and live in HK. She's chosen not to follow me but we didn't actually get to a point of well it's HK or me, we still speak 2-3 times a week and we've never discussed D. Was the OW a factor in my choosing to come out here? If I'm honest YES of course, mainly because I was curious as to whether the spark we had before was still there. I'm guessing that still makes me a **** because if she decides she's not coming I'm seeing that at licence to take EA onto the next level. These are your own words. Earlier in your thread you say your marriage was ok...and now you're a wreck and saying your marriage is in pieces. You are re- inventing your marriage and that began years ago when you became emotionally involved with a woman who clearly knew you were married. This woman has you spinning, and dancing to her tune, she know's exactly what she's doing and you can't see it. You are romantically involved with a work colleague and are possibly jeopardizing your careers, your family and your future. Stop and think...really think about what it is you're doing before you jump off the cliff of no return.
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 As a matter of fact pretend that his marriage wasn't over is exactly what Betrayed H did when he found out his wife was cheating on him. It didn't make any difference though, as he found out, "over" means "over." Apples and oranges and off topic.
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 The funny thing about marriage is that it is never supposed to be "over." In real life, things don't always work out the way they should, as you may have noticed given your username here. Leaving when times get tough just shows that you never should have been married in the first place. That's your opinion. Some people also value the relationships they had that ended... sometimes, people are right for each other for a time, not for eternity. Too bad we're not talking about toys but about the people that have dedicated their entire lives to you. His wife didn't dedicate her entire life to him - she chose to stay when he left for HK. Real life doesn't fit into the black-and-white model of your worldview.
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Having a right to divorce is far different from it being the right thing to do. And I'm sure I'm not the only person to question your nonsensical conclusion that the wife is cheating. For all we know, the wife supported her husband's desire to temporarily go and secure the family's long-term financial success (gaslighting perhaps?) while he went to chase his OW. It's patently ridiculous to paint this as the wife's fault (talk about blameshifting) when the only person known to be guilty of cheating is the OP. As for me, I have no qualms with my decision to stay with my wife and to reconcile. I certainly lacked the crystal ball to see that she was still lying but I am proud of the decisions I made to reconcile. The ones that closed that door? Not so much. You mentioned the price I paid...a few months of delayed healing...nothing much really considering the 19 year investment I already had in. In the end, my wife filed for divorce. She can live with that choice. The OP has a choice, too. My opinion is that the right choice is to renew the commitment that he already made. Marriage over divorce and when it's no possible (for the record, I have publicly supported some choices to divorce), then divorce instead of cheat.
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 If he divorces his wife, his integrity stays intact. A little late for that...
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 His daughter is a teenager. She obviously knows what "sex" is and that normal human beings like to have sex. She also knows what it meant when the OP's wife refused to follow the husband to HK. It means the marriage is already over.That's ridiculous. Thousands and thousands of families - especially those in Europe - have spouses who work overseas. Doing so is NOT a blanket statement that the marriage is over, and fwiw, spinning hasn't even mentioned much of anything about his marriage, so we have no idea what's going on with that.
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 His daughter is a teenager. She obviously knows what "sex" is and that normal human beings like to have sex.What does this even mean? That she's supposed to understand that, since her dad has been alone 5 months he has to find SOMEone to give him sex?
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 A little late for that... I think he didn't have sex with the OW, or anything like that? Or did I miss this part?
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