I'm on the edge

[Spinning]

Aren't we all ?

 

OK where to start ? I'm going to keep it brief to start with but I'm sure that will change as the days go by. I'm a mid 40s married father of two teenage children with a long marriage. I've been away from home for 5 months and I'm on the edge of starting an affair with a single girl at work. It's not just some fly by night thing, we've history (I've known her for about 4 years) and plenty of night's out with flirting, cuddling then always falling short of going any further. All I know is I've not felt this way about a woman in my life EVER, apart from my Wife. I'm away from home, my wife has chosen not to follow and I don't think she ever will.

 

She's been hurt before, she's been divorced before and it's our heads that are holding us both back but the sexual frustration is now unbearable for us both. We were supposed to be having a weekend without seeing each other which didn't last at all but all we're doing is meeting, talking and agreeing with each other that this is all wrong.

 

I'm now having sleepless nights, it's affecting my work. I know what the obvious advice is. I'm even asking myself why am I posting here ? Do I just want permission to take the lead and go one stage further ? Is she just flattered by the attention ? Is it just because I'm lonely ?

 

That's why I'm here. Sorry it doesn't give much to go on but I hope it's a start. Fire away with the questions, abuse etc. Forgive me if I don't I always respond quickly but I WILL respond.

[Balzac]

No mention of your expectations after this consummation. Sounds like a plan, by your next post I'd expect an update on the fireworks and earthquake.

[frozensprouts]

um....excuse me, but you are already cheating on your wife...

 

you are flirting and cuddling with another woman? that is cheating ( how would you feel if your wife were "flirting and cuddling" with another man?

 

It sounds like the two of you ( you and this other woman) know just what you are doing. It sounds like you are treating it like some kind of game, but, in the end, the one who will pay the price for your game is your wife...

 

instead of flirting and cuddling with this other woman, why not call your wife and tell her how you feel? tell her you miss her, that you are lonely, that you want her to come with you. Let her know that you are missing her, and "on the edge"... don't do something that you'll regret later...if you still can't control yourself, picture your wife's face in front of you when she learns you betrayed her...empathize with her pain and sadness, if you have children, imagine them finding out that you hurt mommy because you couldn't control yourself, and rather than talking to their mom and getting it sorted out, you took the easy way out and confided in someone else, flirted with someone else, cuddled with someone else, had sex with someone else.

 

Why are you away from her for so long? Why can't she come with you?

I know what it's like to be away from your spouse...I'm an "army wife" and am used to being left behind while my husband either gets deployed for months at a time, goes out to the field for weeks or a few months or goes ahead of me to a new posting while I stay behind with our kids until we are ready to go. I know it's not easy being apart. I know it gets lonely. I know one get's sad and feels sometimes feels "abandoned" and that you can start to feel as if you are living separate lives...all those are understandable feelings, but using cheating as a way to deal with them is not understandable. It's selfish and cruel.

 

This is not a game, it's not a joke nor is it to be taken lightly. You are already cheating, but if you have sex with this other woman, that's something you can never take back. You will never, ever be able to undo the pain that will cause your wife, and you may well find that you don't like yourself very much.

 

I understand you are human, you have needs ( not just sex but affection), but why not try sorting things out with your wife before you decide to "go over the edge"...you CAN control yourself if you want to...what have you got to lose by doing so? A roll in the hay? What have you got to gain by saying "no" to this...the love of your wife, the ability to look your children in the eyes and not feel shame, and a sense of pride in yourself...those are things that last forever and aren't over as soon as the sex is done.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you, i'm just being honest...you don't seem like a bad guy, and you don't want to do something you'll later regret

[Balzac]

Oh w0w here come the torch bearers. I enjoy reading the varying opinions and judgements rendered on LS. It's almost like calling home?

[Spinning]

um....excuse me, but you are already cheating on your wife...

 

you are flirting and cuddling with another woman? that is cheating ( how would you feel if your wife were "flirting and cuddling" with another man?

 

It sounds like the two of you ( you and this other woman) know just what you are doing. It sounds like you are treating it like some kind of game, but, in the end, the one who will pay the price for your game is your wife...

 

instead of flirting and cuddling with this other woman, why not call your wife and tell her how you feel? tell her you miss her, that you are lonely, that you want her to come with you. Let her know that you are missing her, and "on the edge"... don't do something that you'll regret later...if you still can't control yourself, picture your wife's face in front of you when she learns you betrayed her...empathize with her pain and sadness, if you have children, imagine them finding out that you hurt mommy because you couldn't control yourself, and rather than talking to their mom and getting it sorted out, you took the easy way out and confided in someone else, flirted with someone else, cuddled with someone else, had sex with someone else.

 

Why are you away from her for so long? Why can't she come with you?

I know what it's like to be away from your spouse...I'm an "army wife" and am used to being left behind while my husband either gets deployed for months at a time, goes out to the field for weeks or a few months or goes ahead of me to a new posting while I stay behind with our kids until we are ready to go. I know it's not easy being apart. I know it gets lonely. I know one get's sad and feels sometimes feels "abandoned" and that you can start to feel as if you are living separate lives...all those are understandable feelings, but using cheating as a way to deal with them is not understandable. It's selfish and cruel.

 

This is not a game, it's not a joke nor is it to be taken lightly. You are already cheating, but if you have sex with this other woman, that's something you can never take back. You will never, ever be able to undo the pain that will cause your wife, and you may well find that you don't like yourself very much.

 

I understand you are human, you have needs ( not just sex but affection), but why not try sorting things out with your wife before you decide to "go over the edge"...you CAN control yourself if you want to...what have you got to lose by doing so? A roll in the hay? What have you got to gain by saying "no" to this...the love of your wife, the ability to look your children in the eyes and not feel shame, and a sense of pride in yourself...those are things that last forever and aren't over as soon as the sex is done.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you, i'm just being honest...you don't seem like a bad guy, and you don't want to do something you'll later regret

 

Jeez, that's a freaking great and pretty frightening post. ****, that's got me awake. I'm already in an EA and starting to face up to the reality of that.

 

I'm in Asia, wife's in Europe that explains why we're apart physically, not emotionally. I'm off out for the day today. I've just told her I'm taking a day out to chill, reflect, try to think rationally about the situation and I'm going to hold to that. I'm pretty single minded when it comes to making a decision like that

[Athena]

Aren't we all ?

 

OK where to start ? I'm going to keep it brief to start with but I'm sure that will change as the days go by. I'm a mid 40s married father of two teenage children with a long marriage. I've been away from home for 5 months and I'm on the edge of starting an affair with a single girl at work. It's not just some fly by night thing, we've history (I've known her for about 4 years) and plenty of night's out with flirting, cuddling then always falling short of going any further. All I know is I've not felt this way about a woman in my life EVER, apart from my Wife. I'm away from home, my wife has chosen not to follow and I don't think she ever will.

 

She's been hurt before, she's been divorced before and it's our heads that are holding us both back but the sexual frustration is now unbearable for us both. We were supposed to be having a weekend without seeing each other which didn't last at all but all we're doing is meeting, talking and agreeing with each other that this is all wrong.

 

I'm now having sleepless nights, it's affecting my work. I know what the obvious advice is. I'm even asking myself why am I posting here ? Do I just want permission to take the lead and go one stage further ? Is she just flattered by the attention ? Is it just because I'm lonely ?

 

That's why I'm here. Sorry it doesn't give much to go on but I hope it's a start. Fire away with the questions, abuse etc. Forgive me if I don't I always respond quickly but I WILL respond.

 

Reading your post made my gut twist. My husband was away from home, and all around him he saw his colleagues having affairs, he thought they were crazy, but eventually he joined them.

I was heartbroken.

 

Do your wife a favor and divorce her first before consummating your love relationship.

 

Why do you want both her and your lover?

 

Makes me sick

[Athena]

Jeez, that's a freaking great and pretty frightening post. ****, that's got me awake. I'm already in an EA and starting to face up to the reality of that.

 

I'm in Asia, wife's in Europe that explains why we're apart physically, not emotionally. I'm off out for the day today. I've just told her I'm taking a day out to chill, reflect, try to think rationally about the situation and I'm going to hold to that. I'm pretty single minded when it comes to making a decision like that

Is your other woman an Asian woman? Is she 'hurt from before' by falling in love with another foreigner, a married man, and he in the end just went home to his wife?

Shame on her.

 

Let me guess -- she is very much younger than you, she doesn't have as much wealth as YOU do, and she can't help but be attracted to you, the foreigner?

 

She's sweet, isn't she? She's not demanding, right?

 

Ugh

This is too close to home

I feel physically nauseous

 

Just tell this single woman to go find a man of her own, that you are TAKEN.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Athena

[BetrayedH]

Stop the nonsense. Recommit to your marriage. Your wife doesn't deserve to live a lie and stay committed and faithful to you while you do this. What she deserves is to be able to trust her husband to be faithful and to be her best friend and partner. Best friends don't do this to each other. Be committed to her or let her know that her marriage is over so she can move on. Cheating is just plain cowardice when one person won't fix the marriage or leave. That wasn't the deal you had with her.

[GLDheart]

Do it. Throw your marriage away. You don't need it. It's probably her fault anyway:

 

...my wife has chosen not to follow and I don't think she ever will. .

 

You see. Your already blaming her for your situation. The next thing you'll say to yoursaelf is that your wife was never that good. The whole time you've suffered in an unloving marriage. You poor thing. Your wife deserves you to betray her.

 

Do it.

 

Rewrite your histroy. Throw it all away.

[Spinning]

Is your other woman an Asian woman? Is she 'hurt from before' by falling in love with another foreigner, a married man, and he in the end just went home to his wife?

Shame on her.

 

Let me guess -- she is very much younger than you, she doesn't have as much wealth as YOU do, and she can't help but be attracted to you, the foreigner?

 

She's sweet, isn't she? She's not demanding, right?

 

Ugh

This is too close to home

I feel physically nauseous

 

Just tell this single woman to go find a man of her own, that you are TAKEN.

 

Just for the record she happens to be English, like me, and financially independent. My fault I guess for not explaining more in my intro. I can tell you one thing. I've been utterly faithful in a 20y plus marriage. Actually scrub that. This EA has been around for 2 and a bit years but only escalated like wildfire over the last month. I'm in HK. If it was just about the sex I have plenty of options here, not that it interests me. Look I'm clearly no Angel. I've taken a step into reading up what's happening in my life and trying honestly to unscramble it. I'm all over the place emotionally and could done with constructive help. Telling me I am a **** reenforcea something I think I'm aware of.

[freestyle]

Consider the fallout if you choose to remain on this course.

 

Your W could have her capacity for trust, permanently damaged, if/when she finds out. It can take YEARS to recover from the pain of being betrayed by someone you trusted.

 

So could your children---it WILL affect them, and their future relationships.

 

My significant other is still messed up from the fact there was infidelity on his father's part.

 

No one told him what was going on, (until he was in his twenties)but he picked up on the tension in the house as a young kid,and grew up thinking that HE was to blame for the unhappiness in the home. He also suffered from his father never being home.

 

Deception destroys.

 

If you think your marriage is beyond repair, then end it, so your W can have the opportunity to be with someone who won't willfully cause her gut-wrenching pain. Don't set off a bomb in her life.

 

I'd highly recommend reading "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass--it's got a lot of insight into every side of the triangle.

[SoMovinOn]

I've been away from home for 5 months ...

 

I'm away from home, my wife has chosen not to follow and I don't think she ever will.

 

Explain this a bit more. Are you never going back home? ... or ... if you are going back, when? Months from now? Years from now?

 

Where I'm going is ... if you and your W are living apart, and that's not going to change, why stay M?

 

As for you getting further involved in this A ... it would seem, being in an entirely different country, the odds of your W ever finding out are slim. The wild card in that is the OW. You can talk to her and make sure she understands the conditions of your R (i.e., if it's temporary, until you return home), but know, whatever she says now, whatever *you* feel right now, can, and probably will change over the course of the R. So ... just think this all the way through. Think of every possible outcome, and consider if you're willing to accept any and all possible consequences (including those which you may not even think of).

 

You need to consider your M and the R with OW separately. Don't make choices about one because of the other - primarily, don't decide you want to D your W because you want to be with OW. The possibility exists you'd end up with neither. If D is the right thing, in an of itself - then get D and be done with it. The same with getting more involved in OW - most people go through life never really knowing that one great, true love. If she's it, is there any way you'd want to miss that experience?

 

Cheating and lying are generally the most undesirable choice, although, sometimes, all things considered, that's what you end up with (I have, and I'm ok with that choice). You do have other choices too though, and you should consider them in every way possible, and choose something better if you can. A's have a way of going south far too often.

[scatterd]

It does not matter your so far away. My first husband was stationed in germany and I was in the states. He came back and with in a couple of months he received a letter. He begged me not to read it but I did and she wrote how much she missed him and the sex. bla bla bla

This has been 36 yrs ago. I hurt so bad I still remember all the detals and her name. I divorced later and he wanted me back but I could not do it. I would stop it now if you want to keep your wife.

[Spinning]

Explain this a bit more. Are you never going back home? ... or ... if you are going back, when? Months from now? Years from now?

 

Where I'm going is ... if you and your W are living apart, and that's not going to change, why stay M?

 

As for you getting further involved in this A ... it would seem, being in an entirely different country, the odds of your W ever finding out are slim. The wild card in that is the OW. You can talk to her and make sure she understands the conditions of your R (i.e., if it's temporary, until you return home), but know, whatever she says now, whatever *you* feel right now, can, and probably will change over the course of the R. So ... just think this all the way through. Think of every possible outcome, and consider if you're willing to accept any and all possible consequences (including those which you may not even think of).

 

You need to consider your M and the R with OW separately. Don't make choices about one because of the other - primarily, don't decide you want to D your W because you want to be with OW. The possibility exists you'd end up with neither. If D is the right thing, in an of itself - then get D and be done with it. The same with getting more involved in OW - most people go through life never really knowing that one great, true love. If she's it, is there any way you'd want to miss that experience?

 

Cheating and lying are generally the most undesirable choice, although, sometimes, all things considered, that's what you end up with (I have, and I'm ok with that choice). You do have other choices too though, and you should consider them in every way possible, and choose something better if you can. A's have a way of going south far too often.

 

Jeez, I was struggling a bit with the abbreviations for a second. I am new here

 

Where to start ? I'm not on expat contract if that's what you mean so I'm not tied to going back in 1,2,3 years or more. The way I saw things before I came out I guess I had in mind 5 years putting money away then going back. Was/Is our marriage over ? Who knows ? It certainly wasn't disasterous but it certainly wasn't overly sexual, neither was it sexually stale.

 

I'd always made in plain that one day we'd be going to work and live in HK. She's chosen not to follow me but we didn't actually get to a point of well it's HK or me, we still speak 2-3 times a week and we've never discussed D. You have to trust me on the practicalities of D if it ever happened. I really am NOT a material person. She could have the house and the money I'm continuing to send back monthly. I have enough here to do all that, live and still put some aside.

 

Was the OW a factor in my choosing to come out here? If I'm honest YES of course, mainly because I was curious as to whether the spark we had before was still there. Was this the only reason ? Don't be silly. I fell in love with HK the first day I touched down here many years ago.

 

So now onto the OW. We've kept to our decision from first thing this morning to spend a day completely communication free so far. I'm busting to speak to her but I'm sticking resolutely to what we agreed. That'll change if my skype bleeps. We KNOW this now really is on a knife edge. We keep talking about the situation. She is torn between a R with a married man which she knows from experience usually ends in disaster. I know she wants to say no but I'm also sure she's finding it damned hard not to. I think we are both flattering each other with the attention. When we met yesterday the tension was unbearable. One move by either of us and that would have been it. We even said this morning that if we met today we would either end up talking or fking, and probably the latter.

 

So where do we go from here ? One of the other posts hit home hard earlier on. I was heavily in denial but I'm clearly deeply having an EA and yes I'm definitely very lonely. Is this lust that could end up with a OWS ? I doubt that because my feelings are just so intense. I suppose I could screw up the whole bed thing and that might help the situation.

 

I'm back off home in a few weeks for a couple of weeks. The EA reality is taking centre stage for now. Part of me wants to say to the OW let's cool off for a bit, though once I see her tomorrow I KNOW that will change. What I should say (I think) is let me go back, tell W I'm lonely and that if she doesn't change her mind and follow me I'm not going to spend my life as a hermit (sorry I might need help on this part - does that sound completely ****ty ?). I'm guessing that still makes me a **** because if she decides she's not coming I'm seeing that at licence to take EA onto the next level.

[Spinning]

I suggest that you create distance from the ow right now and think of it like this for now. Just until you go home and yes you need to tell your wife what is really going on. Tell her you've been tempted, get vulnerable, get real, give her a chance to fight for your relationship. If you don't get honest, you are a coward and you are a liar.

 

 

I'm not discounting the rest of your response, thanks very much for that. I just want to be VERY clear here on exactly what you mean by telling her what is really going on. That's not a cowards question that's a practical one. How much of the facts do I need to say here. All of them ?

[iambookworm]

You have already made up your mind, you even have a plan in place already.

 

But before you do, you need to stop and go back to your wife. If you really want to pursue this relationship with the OW, then you have to divorce the wife first. Talk to them and settle everything. After the divorce, then you can have a relationship with the OW guilt-free.

 

You also have to explain your decision to your kids without involving the other woman, if you have any intention of every introducing her to them. Do not make her the reason for the divorce.

[frozensprouts]

my suggestion to you would to be honest with her. Let her know what has happened. You haven't had sex with anyone else, but you are in an emotional affair with another woman.

 

It's the honesty that will save you here...whatever you and your wife decide to do.

 

You do have a legitimate reason for being unhappy ( being so far away from your wife or so long) but not one for cheating. You and your wife need to decide what the next steps will be.

[Spinning]

You have already made up your mind, you even have a plan in place already.

 

But before you do, you need to stop and go back to your wife. If you really want to pursue this relationship with the OW, then you have to divorce the wife first. Talk to them and settle everything. After the divorce, then you can have a relationship with the OW guilt-free.

 

You also have to explain your decision to your kids without involving the other woman, if you have any intention of every introducing her to them. Do not make her the reason for the divorce.

 

A bit unfair. I wouldn't say I have a plan already. I'd more say they were first reactions to practical advice on here. I'm trying to get as much out of today as possible and this has been a big help. As has reading all the EA threads. I'm trying to go to bed focussing on these thoughts rather than on the OW so I'm hoping I can actually get my first decent night's sleep in 4 or 5 days.

 

Oh and to Alice, the answer was earlier on in my same. I'm here indefinitely, long term contract so that could mean for life, though I'd envisaged 5 years out here.

[StrangeBehaviors]

Had a buddy in the same position. Wanted to know what I thought.

 

Told him how he would lose everything financially, and more importantly, it makes him a liar and forever seen in a negative light by his children.

 

He elected to not pursue the affair and is happier than ever in his marriage. Can't say whether or not my opinion pushed him there. Just glad it worked out the way it did.

 

Also a classic case of only being as faithful as options presented. What happens when you divorce, have a relationship with this lady for a year, then have an equally strong attraction to a new colleague?

[BetrayedH]

Jeez, I was struggling a bit with the abbreviations for a second. I am new here

 

Where to start ? I'm not on expat contract if that's what you mean so I'm not tied to going back in 1,2,3 years or more. The way I saw things before I came out I guess I had in mind 5 years putting money away then going back. Was/Is our marriage over ? Who knows ? It certainly wasn't disasterous but it certainly wasn't overly sexual, neither was it sexually stale.

 

I'd always made in plain that one day we'd be going to work and live in HK. She's chosen not to follow me but we didn't actually get to a point of well it's HK or me, we still speak 2-3 times a week and we've never discussed D. You have to trust me on the practicalities of D if it ever happened. I really am NOT a material person. She could have the house and the money I'm continuing to send back monthly. I have enough here to do all that, live and still put some aside.

 

Was the OW a factor in my choosing to come out here? If I'm honest YES of course, mainly because I was curious as to whether the spark we had before was still there. Was this the only reason ? Don't be silly. I fell in love with HK the first day I touched down here many years ago.

 

So now onto the OW. We've kept to our decision from first thing this morning to spend a day completely communication free so far. I'm busting to speak to her but I'm sticking resolutely to what we agreed. That'll change if my skype bleeps. We KNOW this now really is on a knife edge. We keep talking about the situation. She is torn between a R with a married man which she knows from experience usually ends in disaster. I know she wants to say no but I'm also sure she's finding it damned hard not to. I think we are both flattering each other with the attention. When we met yesterday the tension was unbearable. One move by either of us and that would have been it. We even said this morning that if we met today we would either end up talking or fking, and probably the latter.

 

So where do we go from here ? One of the other posts hit home hard earlier on. I was heavily in denial but I'm clearly deeply having an EA and yes I'm definitely very lonely. Is this lust that could end up with a OWS ? I doubt that because my feelings are just so intense. I suppose I could screw up the whole bed thing and that might help the situation.

 

I'm back off home in a few weeks for a couple of weeks. The EA reality is taking centre stage for now. Part of me wants to say to the OW let's cool off for a bit, though once I see her tomorrow I KNOW that will change. What I should say (I think) is let me go back, tell W I'm lonely and that if she doesn't change her mind and follow me I'm not going to spend my life as a hermit (sorry I might need help on this part - does that sound completely ****ty ?). I'm guessing that still makes me a **** because if she decides she's not coming I'm seeing that at licence to take EA onto the next level.

 

Do not take this affair physical. This is not uncontrollable. Cool off for thr few weeks before you go home. Have a very real conversation with your wife when you return. She cannot be happy with this situation either. I see nothing wrong with your ultimatum other than that it should be a negotiation and if you have to...make it that you're either together or divorcing.

[whichwayisup]

Aren't we all ?

 

OK where to start ? I'm going to keep it brief to start with but I'm sure that will change as the days go by. I'm a mid 40s married father of two teenage children with a long marriage. I've been away from home for 5 months and I'm on the edge of starting an affair with a single girl at work. It's not just some fly by night thing, we've history (I've known her for about 4 years) and plenty of night's out with flirting, cuddling then always falling short of going any further. All I know is I've not felt this way about a woman in my life EVER, apart from my Wife. I'm away from home, my wife has chosen not to follow and I don't think she ever will.

 

She's been hurt before, she's been divorced before and it's our heads that are holding us both back but the sexual frustration is now unbearable for us both. We were supposed to be having a weekend without seeing each other which didn't last at all but all we're doing is meeting, talking and agreeing with each other that this is all wrong.

 

I'm now having sleepless nights, it's affecting my work. I know what the obvious advice is. I'm even asking myself why am I posting here ? Do I just want permission to take the lead and go one stage further ? Is she just flattered by the attention ? Is it just because I'm lonely ?

 

That's why I'm here. Sorry it doesn't give much to go on but I hope it's a start. Fire away with the questions, abuse etc. Forgive me if I don't I always respond quickly but I WILL respond.

 

I think you should end your marriage before starting something up with someone else. Or, end your affair and reconnect with your wife. Cheating is not the right answer, it'll mess you up, your wife, the OW and anybody else (kids) involved due to the fallout.

[Spinning]

Do not take this affair physical. This is not uncontrollable. Cool off for thr few weeks before you go home. Have a very real conversation with your wife when you return. She cannot be happy with this situation either. I see nothing wrong with your ultimatum other than that it should be a negotiation and if you have to...make it that you're either together or divorcing.

 

The coward in me is liking this approach. 1am and 2 hours of broken sleep. Not good. Trying again for bed. Thanks for all the advice I've received so far. I feel I'm dealing with events a bit more rationally. Today at work could be tough but I'm prepared for that.

[Athena]

Just for the record she happens to be English, like me, and financially independent. My fault I guess for not explaining more in my intro. I can tell you one thing. I've been utterly faithful in a 20y plus marriage. Actually scrub that. This EA has been around for 2 and a bit years but only escalated like wildfire over the last month. I'm in HK. If it was just about the sex I have plenty of options here, not that it interests me. Look I'm clearly no Angel. I've taken a step into reading up what's happening in my life and trying honestly to unscramble it. I'm all over the place emotionally and could done with constructive help. Telling me I am a **** reenforcea something I think I'm aware of.

 

See how you mention that you have been 'utterly faithful' for 20 years? You say that, because you KNOW that is an important component of being a decent family man and husband.

 

You are about to throw your great Track Record away. You've been building up to this for two and a half years, and NOW you are about to either 1) do it and hide it from your wife until the $hit hits the fan, as it invariably will, or 2) dump it onto your wife and make out like it's HER fault for leaving you alone for five months!

 

But you've been setting the stage for the last 2 and a 1/2 yrs so how is this your wife's fault?

[Athena]

I don't blame your wife for not following you to HK NOW at this point in life... seems like the major reason YOU are in HK now is to 'see where things go' with your OW, however, your wife has responsibilities to your two teenage children.... you do know, don't you, that moving kids out of high school is NOT recommended!

 

You either move country when they are kids, or you wait til they finish high school. You don't eff up their academic and social foundations because your OW decided to go to HK.

 

You have already shown a willingness for deception and lies... lying to your wife about the REAL reason you 'had' to leave for HK now at this point in your lives, and your shananigans with another woman.

Do you remember your wedding day?

Didn't you take vows not to cheat?

You are still married, and still bound by those vows... a Man is only as good as his Word. If you don't do what you say you will do, then what are you worth?

 

Clearly you have a character flaw if you put yourself into this position. Do you honestly want to go ahead and delight yourself with a heady, secret romance which will break your wife's heart (and leave her broken), damage your children's sense of justice, family values, and what kind of a legacy will you leave them? -- that they come from a father who is a Cheater, and when they are getting into serious relationships of their own, and considering marriage one day, they will KNOW they have the DNA of their father too.... you are willing to mess them up for your kicks now?

 

I don't know if you realise, but your family will all find out about you -- parents, siblings, cousins, and your wife's family too -- mother, father, brothers, sisters, any in-laws, neighbors, colleagues, etc and you will have fallen in their minds. You will have devalued yourself and your legacy to this point.

 

So I just want to ask you if you seriously think it's worth it?

 

Because in the end, you are just creating an unnecessary mess.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Athena

[Athena]

Adapted from SafeRelationshipsmagazine(dot)com, here's a Question relevant to your issue, Spinning, on why we do NOT pursue new, exciting, dangerous relationships in life, I adjusted what's in the square brackets to make it relevant to YOUR issue:

 

Question: What do I have to do to overcome the "rightness" feeling of selecting [a new partner] and overcome the "wrongness" feeling of choosing the type of person I'm supposed to?

What if I'm bored? What if he [or the relationship] isn't interesting, exciting, funny, sexy?

 

 

Sandra's Reply:

 

This is not much different than why you don't do crack cocaine because it makes you feel good in the moment ... you don't do it because it ruins your life.

 

Choosing pathological [relationships] has the same long term effect: inevitable harm and it ruins your life on so many levels. How you learn to live life without the stimulant of crack tantalizing your brain, giving you a rush, making the world look more exciting is the same way you learn to live life without the stimulant of dominant, excitement seeking, charismatic, hyper sexual [people/relationship].

 

Is life less neon-colored when you don't do something to stimulate your brain (crack, pot, wine, coffee)? Absolutely. Are you likely to be bored with non-psychopathic men[/women/relationships]. Absolutely. The dating world is definitely not as brightly neon-colored when you aren't with a psychopath [or pathological relationship, such as an Affair]. Is your boredom more important than the condition of your life? That's what you got to get to.

 

I am always encouraged that millions of people have found sanity through 12 steps for issues not all that different than what psychopaths do to your brain. If they can do it, so can you. This is a challenging issue for [people] who have been trained in the excitement of pathological [relationships]. This represents the biggest amount of work in therapy.