Had to know if he was interested or not!

[chicasha]

(I'm sorry this is long, but if you could give me opinions about this, that would be great!!).

 

I've been dating this wonderful guy for about a month and a half now. He's 30, and I'm almost 27. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders, good job, went to a great school and he recently bought a house.

 

He's very close to his mom, and the rest of this family in general. Unfortunately, I believe his dad and his sister died (not sure of the circumstances ... it's too soon to talk about something as personal as that ...).

 

He also lives about 1.5hrs from me. We actually met thru an online service (we have a couple friends in common, which is good). At first, he was very pursuent. He really wanted to meet up with me after e-mailing a couple weeks.

 

I was very attracted to his picture, and impressed w/ his profile, but was kinda hesitant to meeting up. I finally agreed to, but told him it was going to be a casual meeting for drinks, and that I'd be bringing a couple friends along (I mean ... what if he was a psycho?!?)

 

Fortunately, he wasn't psycho, just a nice regular guy, and as attractive in person as he was in his pic, and really interesting. My friends liked him a lot, and told me I should continue keeping in touch with him.

 

I did. We met a few times after that. He came down to visit me twice and I went up to visit him once. We haven't had sex yet. I don't want to, because i'm not ready for it!! He started to go there on our last meeting, but when I gently pushed him away, he asked if it was too soon and apologized. He was respectful after that, and still wanted to see me the next day. I thought that was a good sign.

 

But the thing is, he's not very good at keeping in touch. At first, he used to initiate the phone-calls/e-mails, but after our last meeting, it seems like I do most of the initiating. I don't know if he's dating other girls; he very well could be.

 

OR...

 

I'm not sure if he felt bad or embarrassed that I pushed him away when things were getting kinda intimate the last time we met. Maybe he thinks I don't find him attractive b/c of that. Buuut, maybe he's just not interested in me.

 

I know what I want from life. I'm almost 27, and I do want to settle down with a good guy. While I'm not looking to get married right away, I also don't want to waste time with someone who doens't want what I want. I feel that I'm finally at a place where I"m happy with my life, my career, my friends, family. I don't need meaningless relationships with men anymore. I want a committed relationship with a solid guy who I can fall head over heels in love with!

 

(Too much to ask for?) <<sigh>>

 

The last time we saw each other, we made tentative plans to hang out this weekend casually. I hadn't heard anything further, so I reminded him again yesterday. He wrote back saying he couldn't hang out this weekend as it was his last weekend before he went camping in Arizona. He had to go shopping, clean his house, get his hair cut, etc. He said that we could hang when he got back from vacation.

 

I'm not sure, but I didn't think those were valid excuses. I might be wrong.

 

I wrote him back and said ok, that sounds fine ... I'd be interested in hanging out again when he gets back ... but that the ball was in his court. I explained to him I had a hard time understanding if he was actually interested in me or not. Even though I liked him a lot, thought he was a great person, and wanted to get to know him better, I didn't want to assume he felt the same about me. I said I don't play mind-games, and don't play people. I said that I hoped that those things don't happen to me, because that wasn't acceptable anymore. I'm mature enough to know what I want.

 

I tried to sound as genuine and nice as possible in this email, (didn't want to sound harsh or write all my emotions out, and scare him away anymore!!!).

 

Did you guys think I did the right thing??

[clia]

But...thing is...he's not very good at keeping in touch.

 

Huge. Red. Flag.

 

At first...he used to initiate the phone-calls/e-mails..but after our last meeting, it seems like I do most of the initiating.

 

Sounds like he was after booty to me. Or something else happened since that meeting.

 

I don't know if he's dating other girls...he very well could be.

 

I would stake my life on it.

 

OR...I'm not sure if he felt bad or embarrassed that I pushed him away when things were getting kinda intimate the last time we met....and maybe he thinks I don't find him attractive b/c of that.

 

Uhhh...no. You nicely told him you weren't ready for sex. That's hardly sending off an "I'm not attracted to you vibe."

 

Buuut...maybe he's just not interested in me.

 

I think he's just not that interested in you. There's a difference.

 

I want a committed relationship with a solid guy who I can fall head over heels in love with! (too much to ask for?) sigh.

 

Of course not! This guy just is probably not "that" guy.

 

The last time we saw eachother, We made tentative plans to hang out this weekend casually....I hadn't heard anything further, so I reminded him again yesterday.

 

Eek.

 

He wrote back saying he couldn't hang out this weekend as it was his last weekend before he went camping in Arizona, and had to go shopping, clean his house, get his hair cut, etc. And that we could hang when he got back from vacation.

 

Double eek. Don't hold your breath.

 

Did you guys think I did the right thing??

 

I don't. You've basically told this guy that despite the fact that he's not pursuing you at all and is giving you lameass excuses, you still like him. Translation: You will accept crumbs and bull**** from him. This is a guy you've gone on three dates with. Anything is possible--he might've met someone else, he might've decided that you weren't his type...any number of things. But that he is not initiating anything with you and doesn't even seem to care if he talks to you or sees you before he goes on vacation...that should be a Huge Neon Sign waving right in your face that he's just not that interested.

 

Sorry, but I think you should throw this one back in the ocean and move on.

[chicasha]

You might be right.....jeez, i'm really bummed, cos I really did like him.

We have so much in common....everything that I was looking for in a man...he was. I know that sounds cliche, but its true. I've always wanted a guy who I could be best friends with, and share my interests with....b/c no matter what, a relationship needs to be based on friendship and you have to truly enjoy spending time with the other person, and grow with them.

I really thought he was like that....because he's introspective, loves to learn, he's an artist, he's an engineer by profession (im' an artist, and also an engineer by profession....its hard to find people like that who 'get' me!).

 

Plus, he's the type of person who remembers little things about me...like he'll ask how my friends are, he makes it a point to remember their names. If I tell him a little detail about myself, he'll remember and ask me about it.

I really thought I had a winner this time.

 

soo..I guess I'll see what he writes back. If he's just not interested....then its just a shame. He's not a bad guy...he in fact moved from NYC to central NJ to be closer to his mom after his dad and sister passed away. He's in the process of helping her get her life back together, and get her things in order so that she can move back to Italy next year (his parents are both Italian).

 

And....when he does call me...he's always happy to hear my voice. I don't know. I thought I had finally found a decent guy.

 

I realy don't get guys at all. sigh.

 

But..thanks for the advice...

[dudesomewhere]

WIFEY! jk!

 

cheer up...don't be bummed...look at my profile...Impressed? You shouldn't be! If you were you're demented! hehe

 

Yeah, from what you say that jackass just wanted some action and was playing it smooth until he ran into a lady who had some standards she didn't want to let go of and that flattened his tire

 

 

"I tried to sound as genuine and nice as possible in this email, (didn't want to sound harsh or write all my emotions out, and scare him away anymore!!!).

 

Did you guys think I did the right thing??"

 

Well, to me the right thing is being who you are...not having the need to hold back or put up some different face. If someone is afraid of emotions, let them find someone who will run away as well. But that statement though...that is what everyone should focus on. You should never want to be in some relationship where you can't be who you are...afterall...you also said this

 

"I've always wanted a guy who I could be best friends with, and share my interests with....b/c no matter what, a relationship needs to be based on friendship and you have to truly enjoy spending time with the other person, and grow with them."

 

when you are best friends with someone, guy or girl you can share everything with them right? If he can't make you feel comfortable or secure enought to be your true self then it wasn't the right guy.

 

So see, cheer up he wasn't everything you were looking for in a man

[chicasha]

But..he did make me comfortable. I have all these things that i've always wanted to do, but was too shy, or thought i wasn't good enough to do.

I've always wanted to sing (hehe.), and always wanted to play guitar.

 

He said....girl..u are good enuf to do anything you want...here, let me teach you how to play guitar..if I can do it...you can definitely do it!!! And..then he spent the next house with me patiently teaching me chords, and encouraging me to practice until I was really good at it.

So...he was very encouraging of me. He was also very interested in learning about my culture, my religion (i'm Indian, and my religion is Hinduism...while he's Italian) etc...things that are important to me, but things that most guys couldn't care less about. He told me we should go to this lecture that his friend was giving on ancient Indian culture, cos that would be a good way to learn more about my culture.

 

Sooo..it wasn't all about the sex....he was interested in ME, who I am...what things were important to me.

In addition...he told me about his dreams..his interests...he said he never told anyone this before, but he had been writing a book for a while now...and told me what it was about, etc. He said hopefully someday he could publish it...but for now its just something he's doing to express his emotions on paper. He also made me laugh be showing me this song he wrote, that he and his friends plan to sing at the local coffee shop....basically they took a rap song and turned it into a ballad

I love that sense of humor and creativity. That's what drew me to him.

 

Then....after this night of sharing dreams, interests, etc......i don't get as much of a response as i used to.

 

Does that change your opinions any..?

Do guys who are just looking for booty spend quality time sharing things that are important to them like this..?

I didn't *think* so....but am i just crazy..??

[dudesomewhere]

players come with varying degrees of technique

 

something you said disturbs me though:

 

"He also made me laugh be showing me this song he wrote, that he and his friends plan to sing at the local coffee shop....basically they took a rap song and turned it into a ballad

I love that sense of humor and creativity. That's what drew me to him."

 

I once saw on this dating game show, some back street boy wannabee...and that's saying something since to me BSB sucks ass...so if you want to suck ass, more power to you. The guy was crooning like he thought he had talent...I was wincing and the girl on camera was wincing. BUT, if you like that type of stuff...then I don't know, lol. A LOT of players use that though so take that how you will.

 

Players tell you what you want to hear, everyone knows that. The factors should be how you test a person to determine if he's not. If he can't spend a night just talking to you and knowing you don't want to be intimate...ie., avoiding you afterwards then he's a player. A guy who's genuine in his intent, who really cares who you are COULD also say those things but behaves in a way that never leaves you guessing.

 

You ever watch "Friends"? You ever remember the episode where Phoebe had to choose between 2 guys? The sensitive teacher or the studly fireman? She initially chose the fireman then found out the teacher had a hot bod too? Then thought she'd go with sensitivity and the fireman said he kept a journal?

 

Yeah, players know the game. He sounds like a good player, lol

[chicasha]

alrite.

this is depressing me.

Obviously i have no clue on how to trust men. u think u find someone genuine and who knows, they could just

be players.

 

I"m just so fed up with the dating game. I think i'm going to give up on guys, and just be single forever.

Cos, obviousy there are not good guys out there.

(well, i guess i'll wait for his reply first).

[dudesomewhere]

did I do that? I know I'm prolly partially to blame. But I just like being real.

 

It's a part of that philosophy where if someone genuinely likes you they'll make that time for you...no games, no guessing, no rag tag your it if I can find you crap.

 

You don't have to give up...just test guys more. AND basically, don't play the dating game. You like someone or they like you, someone asks the other out, say yes or no and never maybe...and don't say yes because you're bored .

 

Hey, I'm in your shoes in a way. But I'm more into friendship than trying to hookup...cuz I'm all monastic and junk . But anyway, with me I try to find genuine friends and I look to females for that friendship to give me hope...thinking I found someone different and genuine only to come to realize otherwise is a downer too. I don't look for friendship in guys because they're all weird around me...they either are closet or they want to hang out with me thinking I'm a womanizer. That's depressing too

 

Love yourself though first off, that enables you to be by yourself and not feel the NEED to have someone just for the sake of it. I don't hang out with any guys or have any guy friends...none that I call friends, though I'm sure many call me their friend. I don't hang out with many girls either eventhough I know plenty who wanted to date me...but not that they are genuinely interested...they just wanted boredom busters, free rides, free meals, free movies, hehe. Gdamnit!

 

Right now I just have my eye on 1 person and that happens to be female...I have hope, hope that she's someone genuine...but right now I don't know and not knowing is always a bad sign. It's all a part of reality and acceptance. Hope though, that's a stubborn mule that thing.

[chicasha]

I won't give up.....but I just want someone genuine. Everytime I meet a guy who I think is genuinely

nice....something happens, and I find out they are not.

Its hard to trust guys after this happens. This has happened to me a few times. I don't date around...

i'm not that type. Maybe that's why i get hurt easily....because I usually hang out in groups of people...

and if one person intrigues me and is someone I'm attracted to...i develop an interest in them.

And usually, that person seems interested in me too. BUt...more often than not, they end up losing

interest for some reason or other. And....I've tried to re-evaluate and figure out if its something I'm doing

that are scaring these guys away. I know....a few years back...i might've sounded too eager, too wanting to please, etc. But..with time, I've learned to love myself, and not settle for less....and so my standards are even higher.

soooo....these days I find myself being choosy (picky..??) about guys....cos I think I have that right to look for someone who has a good character, good personality, a good head on their shoulders....but can also have fun, and has self-respect.

So, meeting guys of this caliber is hard....there are few and far between with these characteristics who are ALSO compatible with me.

When I finally meet guys like this........its that much more of a dissapointment when it doesn't work out. Its a total let down, and leaves me wondering where I went wrong!

When I met this guy.....even thought we only went on 4 dates, we talked on the phone quite a bit, and emailed frequently. From all this communication, I thought he really was a good guy.....not a player. He's been through a lot, and has dealt with a lot of stuff (his dad and sister died over the past few years..and he's had to take care of his family). But despite this, he really seems to have gotten to the point where he enjoys his life.

I guess this is why I'll be really dissapointed if I find out he really wasn't interested in me, b/c I didn't think he was a player.

 

Its getting harder and harder to pick out how the 'players' are these days, if that's the case....and gives me no hope in guys, even the good ones.

[clia]

Then....after this night of sharing dreams, interests, etc......i don't get as much of a response as i used to.

 

Have you read any John Gray (Men are From Mars books)? He talks about a phenomenon where men "cave" after being intimate with a woman. Intimacy does not always mean sex -- it sounds like you two shared a lot. It's possible that he just freaked out and has gone into his cave for a little while. All you can do is relax and be there for him when/if he comes out.

 

Do guys who are just looking for booty spend quality time sharing things that are important to them like this..?

 

Sure. Some men will go to great lengths to get the booty.

 

Everytime I meet a guy who I think is genuinely nice....something happens, and I find out they are not.

 

You have to understand that just because a guy loses interest in you does not mean he isn't a nice guy. It just means that you aren't the one for him. Surely you've lost interest in guys before who really liked you, or never developed any interest in a guy who really liked you, right? Does that make you any less nice? Of course not!

 

When I met this guy.....even thought we only went on 4 dates, we talked on the phone quite a bit, and emailed frequently.

 

I'm a big fan of pacing relationships. I don't think it's a great idea to talk continuously early on because it makes you fall harder and faster, when in reality the relationship is so new that either of you could change your mind at any time, thus making that hurt much more. If this person hasn't stepped up to taking a big role in your life (i.e. you start looking forward to the nightly phone calls, the morning e-mails, etc.), then it's not as big of a shock if they *poof*. Furthermore, it allows you more objective time to evaluate whether or not the relationship is right for you.

 

From all this communication, I thought he really was a good guy.....not a player.

 

I'm not convinced that he is a player, and I'm not convinced that he was just after sex. As I said in my above post, anything could have happened. Or he could've just pulled back.

 

Please don't give up on dating, though! You WILL find the guy who is perfect for you.

[chicasha]

its been a couple days, and he still hasn't called yet.

I think I scared him away from good.

 

i won't lie...i'm really kind of upset about this, because this seems to happen to me over and over

again, to the point where I can't even trust myself to keep a guy

 

just feel really disheartened......sigh.

[jen4]

That is terrible! I know how you feel. I hope things work out for you eventually. If he is a loser it's best you find out now right? good luck in the future. I seem to have bad luck w/relationships too.

JEN