Shosh Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Hi, I've recently ended seeing a guy I was casually dating for a few weeks because lately he was constantly canceling our dates at the last minute. Last thing I heard from him was that he would love to keep on seeing me, but he would let me decide. That was a week ago and I have not heard from him since. I find myself so tempted to send him a text saying "So, let's have a coffee or something." Would that be so bad? Can you remind me why I should not be doing this? Quick background info, he told me from the start he was not looking for a relationship and would only contact me about once a week to set up our next date. When we were together I always had a great time, but during the days in between I always found myself staring at my phone, willing it to ring. And the last few times we made plans I was a ball of nerves all day because I feared what eventually happened - him canceling like an hour before we were supposed to meet. Which is why I ended it, because it was driving my crazy.
BrokenAnna Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Clearly you are not a priority to him and by texting him you might come across as being desperate. Leave it be and find someone that wants to spend each and every minute of the day with you.
Author Shosh Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Thank you Anna. I needed to hear/read that.
tallydoo Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I agree, Shosh. He's not making you a priority, which you deserve. One or two dates? Fine. Repeatedly? He's not worth your time, because he doesn't think you're worth his. He's going to have to work a little bit harder to get you next time
Author Shosh Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Hey Tally, thanks for post. Problem is that the last thing he said was that he would love to see me, but it was my decision. This means that he is not going to contact me, unless I get in touch first. I hate that. He is not trying to win me back, or show me that he is sorry, he will just do nothing and wait to see if I contact him again. Meanwhile he is probably going out 5 nights a week and potentially hooking up with a number of girls. And of course I can't be angry, because I am the one who said I did not want to see him again. Aargh, I hate that! Why can't he make an effort?
tallydoo Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Let him stew for a while, like a month or maybe longer. Then maybe you can try reaching out if you still want to--not necessarily asking him out, just catching up--and see if he's settled down at all. But right now I'd move on and find a guy that values you. Did he tell you why he didn't want a relationship?
NYC-BigKat Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Hey Tally, thanks for post. Problem is that the last thing he said was that he would love to see me, but it was my decision. This means that he is not going to contact me, unless I get in touch first. I hate that. He is not trying to win me back, or show me that he is sorry, he will just do nothing and wait to see if I contact him again. Meanwhile he is probably going out 5 nights a week and potentially hooking up with a number of girls. And of course I can't be angry, because I am the one who said I did not want to see him again. Aargh, I hate that! Why can't he make an effort? Nope, dont think so. Guys cant get girls as easy as u can get us so its not that. Maybe he just feels nervous around u .
Author Shosh Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Did he tell you why he didn't want a relationship? Yes, he is moving in 8 months, and he said he did not want to start something serious, if he knew that he was going to move next spring. I told him that 8 months is a long time, and we should not set a limit on where this could go, but just see what happens. He said something like, maybe, let's see, but I could tell he was not convinced.
Author Shosh Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Nope, dont think so. Guys cant get girls as easy as u can get us so its not that. Maybe he just feels nervous around u . Hi NYC, I am sorry, I don't understand what you are saying. Can you elaborate?
tallydoo Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Hrmm. Maybe he WAS scared of where it was going and getting heartbroken if you decided you couldn't continue once he moved? Like I said, try giving him some space for a while (maybe not as long as I said before, but still a while), and then see what happens with contact. If you're okay with continuing to see him casually, then by all means go for it!
Author Shosh Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Hrmm. Maybe he WAS scared of where it was going and getting heartbroken if you decided you couldn't continue once he moved? Like I said, try giving him some space for a while (maybe not as long as I said before, but still a while), and then see what happens with contact. If you're okay with continuing to see him casually, then by all means go for it! I would LOVE to believe that was the reason for his behavior. But how does that explain him making plans with me and canceling them repeatedly about an hour before we are supposed to meet? And without proper explanation or apology? Also, I know he goes out at least 5 times a week, how come he never asked me to join him? That does not sound like a guy who really likes me, does it?
Author Shosh Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 I am finding it really hard not to contact him. The only thing that stops me is the fear of how I am going to feel if he does not reply. He often took hours to get back to me and those were the worst. At least right now I am the one who ended things and it would be me whose turn it is to write. If I text him and he does not reply, or does not say anything that means he still wants to see me, I think I am gonna want to die. At least right now, I can keep my head up because in theory I was the one who ended it (even though his behavior forced me to do it). I feel like I am choosing peace of mind over potentially being in a relationship with him. Is my pride going to keep me single forever? Aargh, why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't he contact me?
Sugarkane Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Don't chase him. What's The point if he only stands you up again? I went out with someone like this after my ex. He always had some half assed excuse and managed to string me along. He told me didn't want a relationship. I said find, whatever. Then he had a new gf soon after. Don't chase after someone who doesn't care. Its so not worth it.
Author Shosh Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 You are right. Thank you for taking the time to talk me down.
KS11 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Just to play devils advocate here, i think its sometimes wrong to quickly assume hes not 'making you a priority' as you dont 100% know whats happening. Just as an example from my experience, i suffer from massive anxiety issues whenever i have to go on a date or whatever, and have a few times worked myself into such a state that ive had to cancel. Even though seeing the person was the only thing i wanted to do!! So maybe theres something going on...
Coffee20 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hi, I don't know his situation well....but I had something similar in the beginning of my relationship, I decided to hold on and I became emotionally dependent on my ex....staring at my phone, facebook all the time, praying he would write me lol. I wouldn't write him, maybe he has anxiety issues maybe not, but cancelling a date his way a few times would make me feel definitely angry. And the last few times we made plans I was a ball of nerves all day because I feared what eventually happened - him canceling like an hour before we were supposed to meet. Which is why I ended it, because it was driving my crazy. I understand your feelings well.....I wouldn't write a man like that anymore (or I promised myself I wouldn't ).
LostGirl11 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Don't bother with him. So everything is basically on his terms! Pfft. You could do so much better. He isn't worth it.
Author Shosh Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Thank you guys, you are awesome! I struggle with my decision all the time, but when I come here and read your posts it really helps me to stay strong.
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