Feelings Changed

[Fixyou]

Everything was going great. Okay, not great, but on my end, I figured our problems would have been fixable. He was working too much, said a project was going to last until January (it was already June) and that it would take up much of his time. In my mind, I didn't know how I would last, but I enjoyed being with him and figured it would be something we would talk about.

 

However, he had something else in mind.

 

While walking me to the subway, he was quiet, but since he was working lots and had just gotten back from a trip from the other coast, I assumed it was because he was tired. It was the first time we didn't hold hands while walking, but since he was holding the umbrella over us, I didn't think too much of it. A few steps away from where we would end up parting, and when I was gently rubbing his back, enjoying the feel of his muscles and after I kissed his shoulder (something I used to do when we were together) he mentioned, "Can I tell you something."

 

I tell him yes. And then my gut churned because I knew it wasn't going to be good.

 

"My feelings changed." He starts to laugh. I let my hand drop from his back and I'm shell shocked.

 

I asked him, "When? How long has this been going on?" But when I realized I wasn't ready for the truth, I told him to not answer it. He asks me what I feel at which point, still in shock, I tell him if that's what he feels, then there is nothing I could do. I continue to walk away from him...my body and mind are not working...and I hear him call out to me. I can't imagine what he's going to say, but I continue to get on the subway to get myself home as if I can't stop...plus, did I mention that he was laughing? I begin to text friends, "He broke up with me." One must have been in shock, because just half an hour earlier, I had texted her about getting him a ride the next day.

 

I get home and see the gift I had purchased for him from a trip that I kept forgetting to give him (we spent more time at his house than mine) and I text him that I'll leave them with his door man.

 

He texts me back immediately, "Sorry about what I said, but I always thought honesty was the best policy."

 

It's been three weeks and we still haven't spoken, even though we have seen each other in group settings six times. We are part of a running group training for the same marathon so there are going to be more times we see each other.

 

I'm a complete b!tch towards him. I completely ignore him, like he's dead to me and he, according to friends and I saw it one time, doesn't know what to do, but just awkwardly backs away from me to find a safer spot. There was even one time when I was leaving a party early, said goodbye to the three people he was talking to and didn't even look at him. I erased his number from my phone so I can't call/text him, but I check out his facebook page each day (I can't bring it to myself to defriend him, although I did delete some posts on his account -- about seeing him when he came back from his trip. It was embrassing since I would see him one time and that would be when he would dump me.)

 

I'm very mad at him since I realized he was lying to me. He told me that he couldn't do anything that weekend that he broke up with me since he had to work. I find on facebook a picture of him at a party the night after he broke up with me. Obviously, he didn't have to work. Yes, I know he knew he was going to break up with me and didn't want to spend time with me, but it made me wonder what else he lied to me about. Details that obviously don't matter now, but the part of me that still cares for him, it makes me wonder what else I didn't see (the rational people who read this, I imagine will say, 'why does it matter?' to which I'll say, I don't know."

 

We were friends before we got together. He asked me out, he won me over and then he took me out like yesterday's trash. I was confident that we would still be together. He's been at the same job for more than ten years, he wears the same rings for more than that -- the boy doesn't throw away things.

 

I can't look at him. I can't speak to him. I hate him, but I care for him, want to protect him and make it better for him. However, I don't like ignoring him. I don't like where we are now not being able to be friends or even knowing what happened.

 

I was patient with him on so many levels that I know others won't be -- sex was the worst I ever had, although he was very passionate (he had problems a guy I've never had before hand, but I figured we would work it out), his job was taking up too much time (unless that was a guise to not spend time with me...although the texts/emails at 2am are a suggestion that maybe it wasn't). It wasn't the perfect relationship, but I've come to terms in my life that relationships aren't perfect and you need a give and take to work at them. I didn't think he would quit so early. I'm disappointed in him.

 

Am I being passive aggressive? How do I make it better? I don't want to get back together with him, but I dislike having people in my life that I want to avoid...although I don't want to talk to him.

 

One friend says I need to. But like a child putting her foot down, I don't want to. I'm also scared of the cruel things I might say to him.

 

And what do I do with the gift I got him? It's nothing special and I've thought about giving it to other people. Right now it's hidden in my closet and I plan on giving it to him in about six months -- ironically it'll be his birthday).

Edited July 14, 2012 by Fixyou

[Balzac]

Firstly, I'm sorry for your misery. I do have a couple questions though. Sounds like you are mid twentyish? When you say working too much....very curious what kind of hours you mean. Young professionals are often compelled to produce billable hours per month, work on audit teams, follow through on projects, all as a standard of employment. Not sure what profession you work in or if billable hours come into play.

 

I'm in no way excusing his treatment of you. I'm just curious about how early career requirements affected the dating relationship.

 

At 10 years he should have advanced in his career. Maybe he just had a major promotion?

Edited July 14, 2012 by Balzac
Bad idea on the B'day gift.

[Fixyou]

He's in IT for a major bank. There were plenty of times that he would go to work, come home, do a run and then get back to his programming. He would also do work on Sundays. His department had a big project they were working on, some people left which meant more work for him. My mother is also a programmer so I get that the work never stops....it can become addicting.

 

It did have an affect in that he was tired from staying up too late. One time he had to cancel on me (which probably wouldn't be that big of an issue, but since I had planned a trip around seeing him, it caused me to get mad at him and we had our one and only fight -- which wasn't that bad, but when he knew I was angry or disappointed in him, he got off the phone). And we didn't get to see each other too much on weekends because he had a deadline. He would make some time, like lunch or quick coffee, which was nice, but of course I would have loved a long, lazy day to spend with him. No major promotion lately, but he's been promised one or there is one in the works. So there is pressure from the company.

 

So I should just keep his gift? I really don't want it since it'll make me think of him. The six months at least gives me time to not do anything in anger or something that I'll be disappointed in.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Fixyou

[Balzac]

Truthfully, you put waaay to much into this guy. I get the hurt from rejection but from your description here, he seems to have been emotionally unavailable from the jump.

 

Lick your wounds and pull on your Big Girl Panties. Social rudeness says more about you than about the man. Sorry but I recommend you take the high road.

 

This sounds as if his job/ hours were never a factor. Just my take on it.

[Fixyou]

Thanks Balzac. I've never been good at taking the high road, but what's growth if you don't do something that is out of your comfort zone? Right?

[Fixyou]

Gosh, it'll break my heart if he was really ready tO jump from the start. Guys are so confusing. They speak to you for 40 minutes at work when they have no feelings towards you. They will "thank you for being you" when they want nothing more from you. And they will even date you, treat you to nice dinners when there is nothing there at all.

 

I think I'm going to end up not trusting anyone now. Hmpf.

[Balzac]

Growth is good! You'll learn to read the signals AND trust that people tell you who they are early on. Trouble is we often don't listen.

 

You're of value and this douche bag lost out. Think of it as dodging a bullet.

Plenty of men in banking. Keep putting yourself out there. It's a numbers game.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Balzac
Lack of empathy " "Sorry about what I said, but I always thought honesty was the best policy."