Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 If she has moved on and forgotten, then why did she look him up on the Internet? If I haven't let go of it, it's because she has reminded me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 Like I said her affair preceded mine so her affair was not revenge; she was first to stray. And in the classic male-female dichotomy, I do not believe what I did was as serious as what she did: My encounter lasted 15 minutes. Her affair lasted more than one year and she had 300+ opportunities to end it and did not. She had an emotional attachment as well; for months; she turned down sex several times before saying yes, so like I said she had ample opportunity to run but didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I will only say this: One of the reasons my XW divorced me was because she found her first love from high school online and started an EA with him even though he was married and had kids. The signs where there that she probably had a PA with him as well at one time even though he was out of state (HS reunion, Biz trips etc). She lost touch with him for OVER 30 YEARS and then found him and her emotions came back. She wrote to him and told him she still loved him. My marriage was over at that point. My point? All those years mean nothing. Sometimes those emotions get burried for years and people live a lie for decades. I hate to say it but I think the OPs problems are just beginning. He needs to go into detective mode. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 She lost touch with him for OVER 30 YEARS and then found him and her emotions came back. She wrote to him and told him she still loved him. My marriage was over at that point... Just Ouch... I hope 30 years has been enough time for him to pick up a fantastic STD to share with his new prize. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 If she has moved on and forgotten, then why did she look him up on the Internet? If I haven't let go of it, it's because she has reminded me. I have looked up my ex-fiance a couple of times over the last 35 years, out of curiosity - I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. But I did want to see what happened to him; the last I heard he had gained a ton of weight and gotten fired for extortion (25 years ago), so I was curious to see what I could find out about him. NO desire whatsoever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 Thanks for your reply. It's not her looking him up on the Internet 29 years later alone that makes me think she had feelings for him, it is that PLUS things she said at the time of the event and when she told me 5 years after it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 I'm with you brother. One of my biggest regrets is that he suffered no consequences as a result of his despicable behavior. He is now 76 years old. Any suggestions for things I can do to make the short time he has left miserable? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Thanks for your reply. It's not her looking him up on the Internet 29 years later alone that makes me think she had feelings for him, it is that PLUS things she said at the time of the event and when she told me 5 years after it happened. Well, aren't we supposed to have feelings for past people? It is kind of silly to pretend that once we meet our spouse we erase our feelings and memories for other people. Who is she with? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 Her affair with him was adulterous, 5 years into our marriage. No she wasn't supposed to have feelings for him then OR now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I'm with you brother. One of my biggest regrets is that he suffered no consequences as a result of his despicable behavior. He is now 76 years old. Any suggestions for things I can do to make the short time he has left miserable? If anything, I might be more interested in what he has to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 I have tried my best to reach him. He doesn't answer emails or the phone. I guess he's a coward. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I just think that women were taught back in the day to love the man they had sex with... whereas today it is more acceptable that young women have sex just for having sex's sake. That may be true for certain periods of history, but it is definitely FALSE for 1982. The sexual revolution began in the 1960s. Sexual revolution in 1960s America - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia There were plenty of women in 1982 having sex that was motivated by trivial reasons and not by deep love. In this particular case, since the man is still in the wife's thoughts after 30 years, I feel it (unfortunately) is quite possible she had special feelings for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Well, aren't we supposed to have feelings for past people? It is kind of silly to pretend that once we meet our spouse we erase our feelings and memories for other people. Who is she with? what the hell? More and more I wonder if you are even reading the threads... Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 It seems clear that she had serious feelings for the guy. You provided plenty of info about things she said and the facts support it, too. I would also believe that the affair was likely more than sex "just one time." This is typical minimizing so she can "confess" but make it less painful. It is simply not plausible that they had a long term EA, it went physical, and then stayed an EA. If you can explain it or follow it, it likely ain't true. The only thing that makes me believe her at all is that if she wanted to hurt you and get revenge for your blow job, she wouldn't want to minimize her affair but tell you full-blown so it would hurt. But even then, if she reveals more than "just once," the focus is completely off of you and onto her for a long-term physical affair. She likely wanted to get you back but didn't really want to reveal the full depth of her depravity. She is used to and obviously quite skilled at lying to you about it. Now that it is out, she conveniently forgets the details. She has confessed an affair in order to hurt you and has made attempts to find out how to reach her AP. What are you going to do about this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 I don't know what I am going to do. I know she's been faithful and a wonderful wife and mother since then, but I don't know what is eating me alive more: the fact that I think she lied to me about the depth and extent of her affair (I think that there was sex more than once and she had feelings for him) OR that she still is thinking about him after all these years - this feels like a fresh betrayal when added to 29 years ago makes it unbearable for me. My therapist says the last 30 years makes up for it, but her looking him up occurred NOW. I am heartbroken. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I don't know what I am going to do. I know she's been faithful and a wonderful wife and mother since then, but I don't know what is eating me alive more: the fact that I think she lied to me about the depth and extent of her affair (I think that there was sex more than once and she had feelings for him) OR that she still is thinking about him after all these years - this feels like a fresh betrayal when added to 29 years ago makes it unbearable for me. My therapist says the last 30 years makes up for it, but her looking him up occurred NOW. I am heartbroken. Someone else mentioned detective mode. I can't disagree. There reaches a point where you need the truth and you can't get it from your wayward spouse. I wouldn't say another thing and then watch her closely. At least you can find out if anything is going on today. Sorry to hear your story. There are many others here and I think few of us really ever reach the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 I feel so manipulated. She only told me at all for revenge, not very noble. Since then she has told me only what she wants me to know. I feel like she holds all the cards, especially since it happened so long ago. She got to make all the decisions, I made none. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 The power of infidelity is demonstrated again. Forty-four years after my pop cheated and my mom took him back, he was apologizing...on his death bed. "I'm sorry" he said blinking tears after mom told him to stop being silly. Think cheating and betrayal has no long-term consequences? Think again. One of my biggest regrets is that he suffered no consequences as a result of his despicable behavior. He is now 76 years old. Any suggestions for things I can do to make the short time he has left miserable? That's a fools game. How do you know what he has or hasn't suffered? Because you haven't seen it with your own eyes or heard about it? Control and a lack of maturity is no doubt a part of your problem. Thirty years. I've had women tell me they fall in love with other men once or twice a week. And while they don't act on it, it's the attraction that troubles most guys. Sit her down and read her every word of this thread. Even the stupid posts. Then, maybe she'll understand your feelings. What are you waiting for? Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I feel so manipulated. She only told me at all for revenge, not very noble. Since then she has told me only what she wants me to know. I feel like she holds all the cards, especially since it happened so long ago. She got to make all the decisions, I made none. I don't know LI, you ain't exactly a saint either. Sounds to me like she is softening the blows for you - so she does care about you. She told you because you hurt her... the fact that you had the capability to disappoint her means that she cared for your love. So even though she might have had more and enjoyed the sex more than you did. All that past is a draw. Now though... with this last slip dragging up all that ugly past... shessh maybe you should do all you can to drive her into the arms of another man... that way you could be alone with your dark thoughts as you pursue another imperfect woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 That may be true for certain periods of history, but it is definitely FALSE for 1982. The sexual revolution began in the 1960s. Sexual revolution in 1960s America - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia There were plenty of women in 1982 having sex that was motivated by trivial reasons and not by deep love. In this particular case, since the man is still in the wife's thoughts after 30 years, I feel it (unfortunately) is quite possible she had special feelings for him. Don't take my explanation out of context -- my emphasis is that a MARRIED WOMAN thirty years ago would not have jumped into bed that easily with another man, UNLESS she had developed FEELINGS for him!!!!! see below Well, thirty years ago a married woman who slept with a man would likely HAVE been in love with him, yes. Why must it have been love because it was 30 years ago? She swears it wasn't. I can not bear it if it was. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 It's also kinda silly to pretend to be single when we're married. This wasn't an old boyfriend who preceded the marriage. No, but to pretend that he wasn't in her life is just...IDK, whitewashing? If you were to ask her now if she ever cared for him, would you punish her for saying yes? Be honest here, or you won't get helpful advice, ok? I know you WANT her to not have feelings for him, but you need to be practical. What I see is a couple who are BOTH sweeping this under the bridge, have been for years and years, and yet he's feeling frustrated that he's not getting resolution. Well, of course you're not getting resolution. You haven't DONE anything about it. Maybe it's time to make this your hill to die on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 No you have it wrong, her straying occurred first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 What do you mean "hill to die on?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 If she now admitted after all these years of denying it that indeed she did love him and slept with him for months, I would feel that the foundation of our marriage is sand and that I did not have the opportunity to make any decisions to go or stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 If she now admitted after all these years of denying it that indeed she did love him and slept with him for months, I would feel that the foundation of our marriage is sand and that I did not have the opportunity to make any decisions to go or stay. Obviously, yes. Which is why she will NOT admit anything different now, why would she? She's content with life just as it is. So, she'll be thinking about what will it take to shut you up again? -- she managed to shut you up before, and now you've started up again, so all she will be looking to do, is to superficially satisfy your questioning, and make it all go away again. Til next time. How will you get at the Truths you want? There's no way if she won't tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts