To all BS's...looking for s

[onthefence210]

I am both a FBS and a FWS. As a BS, after reading and learning how things weren't handled the way they should have been in order for a healthy reconciliation, I failed at it. I allowed my H to minimize and gas light, even accepting all the responsibility for the 2 affairs that I knew of. I had to brush it under the rug, because then that would mean I'd have to leave. Leaving wasn't an option as my situation was complicated (not making excuses, it was fact). I just accepted what my H had to say, went about life, exactly the way it was, although the gifts of love got bigger, and from the outside world, I should be happy because he must love me so much.

 

I started to change after I had my daughter, but by no means was my marriage a "real" marriage. I became less of an enabler of his drinking and stopped doing things that illicited a sad, angry, vindictive etc type of reaction. I had no clue how to make him responsible for his choices. I had no clue how to not feel so responsible for his reactions. Our marriage has never had any emotional depth, and so honestly I had no clue what we were missing. I knew I would try to talk about my feelings, try to render myself vulnerable for yrs yet that stopped after I had had enough of being hurt by my H. I did learn the art of compartmentalization where he was concerned, then where my step son was concerned. I literally was the happiest I'd ever been since the day I met my H, and it had nothing to do with my marriage.

 

As a family, we did great when we were focussing on one of our children's activities. It mostly centered around his daughter. I stressed the importance of education yet she defined herself thru her sports in which she played two in college. My H, was her biggest cheerleader at games yet the only thing they actually could talk about without fighting were her sports. He was proud of her, bragged about her to everyone, yet there was no emotional relationship besides that.

 

Then one night, after 15 yrs of complete fidelity to my H, I entered a convo with an old friend. It was a bunch of us just chatting and 3 months later, I choose to take the easy road. I became the OW. My A, was mostly an EA, so for me I never honestly cared how it would effect my H. I was selfish for a long time, almost blaming my H for what I was doing because, I couldn't leave, yet I couldn't get from him what I knew I was entitled to as his W. I did eventually confess, mostly because my A, was so emotional that I was ready to let go as the xmm and I had no plans of leaving our marriages for the other, yet I was finally at a place where I wanted to understand how I had let my M go on for so long, how I could choose an A instead of getting out of my M, and to learn different "normal" behaviors so that I could live an authentic life and maybe finding a relationship where I could get what is healthy.

 

Now my question for all BS's is, should I have told my xmm wife the truth? We both confessed, yet the communication continued for 7 months. I was honest with my H at confession, and thereafter. He knew I was seeking divorce so at that point I didn't need to minimize nor gas light. I did not speak to the xmm when I was around him or my kids. It didn't take away from my family at all. My xmm contacted me as soon as he or his wife was out of town on business. We decided to end all contact after his W, saw a blocked number on his phone bill and assumed it was me (it wasn't as we only talked thru his work cell or FaceTime which uses data).

 

It's been 2 months NC, and I've had some time to really think about how things played out in the end. Since ending the contact I've received texts from W, and a phone call from his 18 yr old daughter. All stating the same thing...they want to kno how it feels to be stalked as that's what I was doing to their H/father. I got texts from 3 different numbers and have yet to listen to his daughters entire VM as it was so filled with blame and ugly toward me.

 

Do I let this go as its been some time since the texts and I never responded. Mostly because xmm told me that if she should contact me, to not give her the reaction she wants. To let him handle her. As I've stated, I've been on both sides so I kno what it's like to be a BS. Yet being the xOW I don't want to do something that is of no benefit and will only open up something that in all honesty, I'm glad is over. Have been since we were truly able to say goodbye. I kno what goes on in his M, as his W, so kindly told me back when she called me after he confessed 7 months ago. So again not excusing our behavior just giving you some info so you don't think I'm assuming or just going by what he had said to me.

 

My xmm never minimized nor gaslight with me. He was always honest, always giving me the choice to stay or go from his life. His circumstances why he stays, I truly understand, and although I will never agree, it's his life not mine.

 

So any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. I'm not looking to get revenge, or trying to hurt anyone. I have worked too hard at understanding the anatomy of A's, how they effect people no matter whether you're the BS or the WS and how to just live an authentic life.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Athena]

I think the very next time his wife contacts you again, then respond to her, but for now, since you didn't reply right away, forget about replying.

 

For what it's worth, I think you explained yourself very well here. Are you still married?

[onthefence210]

I just want to add, I didn't post this for OW/OM because I want opinions from people who have been effected by this who can give me their heartfelt truths. I owe a lot of my growth to this forum. It's allowed me to take what I've learned to my IC and learn how to makes the changes in my life.

[Athena]

Of my husband's 8 OW that I know of, I never contacted any of them except one... and I only contacted her one year after.... and she cried on the phone and asked me to forgive her (which I at first refused) but she explained herself further, so I asked her how SHE would feel if her brand new husband (who she dated after the affair with my husband, and whom she subsequently married) was to have an affair?

 

Then I forgave her, and that was that... never contacted her again. I didn't even ask her any 'truth' questions... I knew by that stage that my husband was the liar and the cheater, and it was of no consequence WHO the OW was.

 

So, you ask if you should have given the wife the truth? Sure, why not. If she bothered to ask YOU, she really wanted to know.

But you cannot approach her now, you have to wait for her to contact you again.

[onthefence210]

I think the very next time his wife contacts you again, then respond to her, but for now, since you didn't reply right away, forget about replying.

 

For what it's worth, I think you explained yourself very well here. Are you still married?

 

Thank you, I truly am trying to be a better person. I was highly codependent in my M. I was a people pleaser, keeping the waters calm so no one had to feel the effects of their choices. I took it all upon myself, and learned to internalize so much. This is me just trying to do the right thing, not because it benefits me in any way but my true conflict is with my self. I didn't respond to his W, because he asked me not to, he was handling it. So when the harassment started, I was still dealing with the grief of letting go. He and I had a great friendship, and it was probably the only time I ever felt like I could just be me. There were no expectations so letting him see all that I was, didn't scare me.

 

But it has been 5 weeks since those messages came thru, I am further along in my progress and can see why he was asking me to hide from his W. initially I thought it was for my benefit, so I wouldn't hear her lies as she had told me when she contacted me 7 months ago. But after reading here, I wonder does this woman, no matter what I think about her, does she deserve the truth as it happened? It won't change their situation. It won't send him running back to me, even if it did, I wouldn't entertain it. Not because I hate him or anything like that, but because I don't think any relationship can truly be healthy until you've owned, acknowledged and dealt with the issues. I am not ready to even think about a relationship with anyone until my marriage is completely done.

 

I am still married as of now and will be until the day the papers are signed. My H, isn't willing to take a hard look at himself in order to make the changes we would need to start fresh as a couple. He has yet to hold me responsible for my A, and for that I can only understand as not wanting to deal with the real issues. So I'm doing it for my own self, for my kids and for all the people in my life who have either hurt me or learned bad habits from my enabling.

 

I am really just trying to be true to who I really am. And in order to do so, Ive had to pick my life apart and pull out what's not healthy, and change it. I'm pissing a lot of people off, well just the ones who benefitted from all my pleasing ways.

[BetrayedH]

His wife deserves to know the facts so that she can make an informed decision about how to proceed with her life. It is clear that your xMM will not give that to her and is lying/gaslighting her. It is cruel to leave her this way. You should absolutely contact her, apologize, offer the truth and otherwise promise to leave her family alone (and respectfully request that she do the same with you).

 

It would be different if she didn't want to know but she clearly does. Further, two months is absolutely nothing to a BS.

 

I also agree that you presented a thoughtful post and it's clear that you want to do the right thing now. Give this woman the little bit of peace that comes from knowing the truth. She will then have one choice that is hers to make after having so many others taken away from her as she stayed loyal to her commitment to her H and marriage.

[Furious]

From your opening post you say it was mostly an emotional affair, and that leaves me to understand that it was also physical if I'm not wrong.

 

You say you confessed to your husband, and the the OM confessed to his wife but you both continued contact 7 months after that.

And now it's been 2 months of NC because his wife found out that the contact had not stopped at all since he initially confessed.

 

It seems her husband might have confessed, but he minimized, omitted, and gaslighted the truth. It seems he has painted you as the desperate and unstable stalker to save his ass.

 

This man asked you to not speak to his wife, not because he wanted to protect you from her anger, but because he is a coward. He has you feeling sorry for him, when in actuality he is playing you. Perhaps you did not know him as well as you think.

[Spark1111]

Return her calls, offer to answer any questions, and stay very, very calm.

 

She may try to provoke as she has probably been led to believe you are the crazy stalker.

 

Have any proof of the continued contact? You may need it. Print it out and keep it handy.

 

You sound reasonable, so tell her the truth. There has been no contact for two months but there was for the previous seven months. You did not lie to you H about it as you were divorcing. You suspected or knew he was lying to her and then asked you to allow him to deal with her as he was fraid for the both of you regarding her temper.

 

In your heart, did you want or hope this man would be found out and return to you?

 

Why continue contact? As a fBS, did you not know this pain of having secrets kept from you and others controlling your life without your consent?

 

Talking as "friends" while he professed to be working on his marriage? How were you being a friend to their marriage by your continued conversations?

[BetrayedH]

The OP said she already spoke with the wife seven months ago, but didn't tell her about the months-long continued communication following Dday. That continued communication appears to be the issue for the OP - she thinks the wife doesn't know and wants to know if she should tell her. At least that's what I'm getting out of her post/questions. If it's more than the continued communication she hasn't been truthful about with the wife, then I agree she should fess up.

 

However, it appears the wife does in fact know about the continued communication, hence the harassment.

 

Also, the OP is under the impression the wife lied to her when they spoke, which is "foggy" thinking. She also says she understands why he stays, although she doesn't agree with it. She also doesn't seem to realize that she was thrown under the bus.

 

Affair fog.

 

Couple all this with her impending divorce and it is my opinion the OP has an agenda.

 

What I gather is that contact continued after Dday, was discovered but then minimized and the xMM lied to the BW telling her that the OW was stalking. Fact remains that the BW deserves to know that this is bullship. I don't care about the OP; I care about the BW.

 

And Spark is right. The OP better have some proof of the xMM initiating contact after Dday. The BW obviously believes that the OW is stalking her poor husband. She.deserves.the.truth. Period.

[onthefence210]

Why do you think his wife lied to you?

 

Its not a thought, it's what I kno to be true. It's a matter of fact, and she took the facts, and twisted them to get a reaction from me. I in turn contacted her H, breaking the NC we had had up til then, 5 weeks, to let him kno that she was contacting me, and for him to deal with her. He responded, he was in the middle of a family vaca, that turned into a complete mess, and I apparently was her punching bag. She was drunk, and staying with his parents, and she ended up basically beating the crap out of him in front of his kids. So, I'm not sure how explaining that helps with my question, but I guess it just gives a little light to the situation.

 

I am not trying to gain sympathy, or portray myself as some victim. I am just trying to learn thru my own and others experience. But appreciate u curiosity.

[onthefence210]

But didn't you do the same thing when he had his affair?

 

I don't think that my A and my H's A, have any thing to do with the question but you are correct, I never held him responsible. I also have elaborated on why, and I also kno stated why I think my H has yet to hold me responsible. It is clearly stated in the quote you quoted. Hence why I can not even consider a reconciliation with him. It would mean that we'd have to change our behaviors, and when u don't want to do the hard work that it takes then, you either sweep it under another rug (finding one without so much crap under it is less work) or u divorce. I choose divorce because I am no longer who I was. I am growing thru a lot of help and support of IC and people on this forum. I have confessed all to him, been completely transparent and given him the opportunity to look at our relationship, pre, during and post affair to work on the changes necessary, to see if we could save our marriage. But my H, doesnt see anything about our past to be discussed. Its over, and we should just forget and move on. I wish he would have held me responsible, because it would have meant to me that hes ready to grow up and stop living the unhealthy toxic life we had created. I stated i was co dependent, and my H def has narcissistic traits. So not sure why this is of importance? Maybe u can enlighten me? I'd appreciate all if it's going to help

[Athena]

Its not a thought, it's what I kno to be true. It's a matter of fact, and she took the facts, and twisted them to get a reaction from me. I in turn contacted her H, breaking the NC we had had up til then, 5 weeks, to let him kno that she was contacting me, and for him to deal with her. He responded, he was in the middle of a family vaca, that turned into a complete mess, and I apparently was her punching bag. She was drunk, and staying with his parents, and she ended up basically beating the crap out of him in front of his kids. So, I'm not sure how explaining that helps with my question, but I guess it just gives a little light to the situation.

 

I am not trying to gain sympathy, or portray myself as some victim. I am just trying to learn thru my own and others experience. But appreciate u curiosity.

Wow, in the light of this information, my reply to you is definitely NOT TO INITIATE CONTACT WITH HER AT ALL!!!!

 

You've caused her enough harm, and just because 'now' feels like a good time to YOU, does not mean it is a good time for Her.

 

My advice stays the same -- do not contact her now, but if in future SHE ever contacts you again, THEN tell her all the truth, and nothing but the truth. And do NOT contact her husband to tell him anything of the conversation.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Athena

[BetrayedH]

"Couple all this with her impending divorce and it is my opinion the OP has an agenda."

 

I should have listened more to this insight. My bad Alice.

[onthefence210]

Is it possible that your xMM twisted the truth and she was going with what he told her?

 

You've said in another recent thread that you loved your xMM and that he loved you. And that if it was meant to be, it will be. And that it was the right love at the wrong time.

 

I don't think you've come to terms with the fact that your xMM has thrown you under the bus. You should be pissed off right now at MM and you are not.

 

You think she needs to know the truth? About what?

 

She needs to know that he's lying to her? Or do you think she's "twisting" things again with the stalker messages and he has nothing to do with why she thinks that way.

 

I'm thinking you think she's "twisting" things on her own.

You're mistaken.

 

I understand ur using "typical" A protocol. I am not pissed off at xmm, he has never hurt me with lies. He has never had to. Like I said there was no expectations on either part. There was no need to minimize nor gaslight in our relationship. We weren't planning our great escape to rescue one another. We were two people in similar situations due to both being in marriages where addictions had not allowed for a healthy relationship. I know people can't truly understand it, and I can only explain it as, we didn't have this whirlwind romance. It wasn't a constant hit of the "drug" and so forth. We hid the truth about our friendship because if we didn't then it would have to end because there were emotions involved. Our marriages didn't suffer because of it because neither one of us truly had one. Actually, his W told me she was more pissed that he confessed. And went on to explain why. Just sad to me, the entire situation.

 

As far as her twists to the truth and xmm possibly twisting it to her, I guess that is possible, but highly unlikely. And if that's the case, it wouldn't involve me anyways. She lied to use me for her bag. She doesn't hold her H responsible for his A, because she too would have to face reality. That is my take on it from conversation with her.

 

I don't kno if you've ever been in a relationship with an alcoholic, or been in a highly co dependent relationship but until u have (which I wouldn't wish on anyone) you can't truly understand the mental component to it. It's a learned behavior that I will probably be spending the rest of my life unlearning. Yet in my relationship with xmm (fantasy or not) it was just two people who had some of the same passions, same goals and the same envisions of what normal felt like. I can tell u again, there was no reason for my xmm to lie to me because I never gave him reason to. He was free to be my friend or not. We discussed the end of our relationship before we confessed. We were both at peace with it yet we knew it would be a process because of the emotional component. So we didn't have a dday because we had to a spouse finding out and then enduring the reconciliation process that I've read here. I could have quieted my H, because he would have dropped it if I wanted him to.

 

Our relationship did what it needed to do whether it was right or wrong in people's eyes. Emotionally we were both ready. Him for his reasons and me for mine. That was then. This is now. I've had 7 months of understanding and addressing and so yes, I'm going to constantly be looking at this A, and trying to see it as so many think I should, once I get out of the A fog that I keep reading about. But as of right now, I still don't believe I'm in it. I didn't want anything from my xmm the what I got from him, and that was a place to be me. A place to express who I was, and not be manipulated. He have me that. Was it perfect, nope, but the imperfections were what made it more comfortable. I didn't have to be perfect, nor did he.

 

Again yes I believe he threw me under the bus. Its funny because he did that and told me he was doing it. Again, my question pertains to that very fact. I am not trying to downplay what I've done, nor am I trying to glamorize my A, to make it sound like it was something people should do when they are unhappy in their marriage. My A is between me and my God. Its over. I don't want to go back to it. What's meant to be will be, means, in the end whether I end up alone or married again, will happen in truth. It will happen with me being true to who I am, and will happen in all honesty. I would never entertain xmm again, as he knows and I respect him enough to stay out of his life. But I do love him. I lost my BFF that day 2 months ago. And I'm am dealing the the stages of grief. All the stages I'm learning a little more about myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I am not perfect, and in knowing that I look for help here. That's all I'm doing. I have had two months to evaluate the happenings since then and I see how I passive about being thrown under the bus. I knew I was, there was no reason for it at the time and If I could rewrite history I would. I can't so with that is why I'm asking for help here.

 

We can agree to disagree on our opinions, and if I had to do my A all over again, I'd have to say no, not at at where I am today. But sadly I wasn't back then, Without it I would have continued to see my life as normal. Am I sad that it happened this way, yes, a lot of people got hurt by my choices. And for that I am truly sorry. But their reactions and harassment is truly not my problem. How the deal with or handle it, is not my problem. The only thing I owe anything to is my H, and sadly he is not willing to address any of our issues, including my A. Yet he want to continue to be married and use make up sex to brush all the problems away.

[onthefence210]

"Couple all this with her impending divorce and it is my opinion the OP has an agenda."

 

I should have listened more to this insight. My bad Alice.

 

I honestly would like to kno ur thoughts on my perceived agenda. I have filed for divorce, I am going to counseling to learn different behaviors as I am openly admitting that I have issues. I am not looking to get anything from this woman, I was looking to see if she deserved the truth. I keep reading how the BS has the right to kno, so I bring up this question on here and I have an agenda. Listen, I'm not hoping for this guy handed over to me, nor do I want to create a problem for the two of them. I am just asking if I should? I respect the opinions on here and so I have no clue as to why this is an issue? So please BetrayedH...tell me what my thoughts are since u live in my head. I am getting out of a highly emotionally abusive marriage, as a co dependent, and I am doing everything in my power to never be who I was, pre and during my A.

 

I have read some past posts of my own and have even thanked this forum, and my IC for opening my eyes. I posed the question again, not because I am going to benefit because in all honesty, I get nothing but the truth being told. I get nothing. If u think that xmm would want me to tell his W the truth, and we could go sailing off into the sunset...that is far from the truth. The question was put out there for people like you who have been betrayed to give me advice, based on your experiences and feelings. I ignored this woman's texts because I knew I was thrown under the bus. And it was my way of protecting him from the consequences because at the time, I couldn't empathize with her. I just couldn't for my own reasons. He was handling her, and I honestly didn't want to lie to her for him so I said nothing.

 

I guess you can apply your feelings from your experience and only see the agenda that you want to see and I understand that. I can type and type to try to explain but I am not getting anything out of this except maybe the end. I will keep the truth to myself, his lies to her are his to live with. I will get over my passive approach so he didn't have to acknowledge or own his part in any of this. I thank u for ur response, I now can see how until you actually kno me as a person, you'd know that I am not out for anything other then learning from my choices and making the best ones from now on.

[onthefence210]

Wow, in the light of this information, my reply to you is definitely NOT TO INITIATE CONTACT WITH HER AT ALL!!!!

 

You've caused her enough harm, and just because 'now' feels like a good time to YOU, does not mean it is a good time for Her.

 

My advice stays the same -- do not contact her now, but if in future SHE ever contacts you again, THEN tell her all the truth, and nothing but the truth. And do NOT contact her husband to tell him anything of the conversation.

 

Ok let me give u facts...not that it excuses my behavior but it will explain this woman. She had two LTA previous to ours, one while he was deployed in which he was told about from a neighbor, that a car leaves at 5 am yet she denied. Then the second one had been going on for 7 months before I even entered the picture. These are her drunken truths to me after the confession. So back then yes I had no sympathy for her. The xmm suspected the 2nd affair but did nothing to get the truth. So in my conversations with her when she was telling me about their marriage, and her indiscretions, I could not feel bad for her. He is stuck in his marriage, and that is fact. I kno that. And in knowing that we were able to have zero expectations from one another.

 

I had an A with this man. I am not not trying to condone my behavior or come across that what I did was right, it happened, it's over and I'm trying to reconcile not with my H but with myself, so I never feel like I did about myself or my H, to ever make an A acceptable behavior.

 

I never intentionally harmed her. My responsibility was never to her, my responsibility was to my H. I failed him and I have owned it. I have held myself accountable for reasons stated above. I have tried to explain the dynamics of the A, my marriage and his marriage as I kno them from both xmm and his wife. I had 3 additional contacts with xmm after initial contact, 1 being a handle your wife and the following 2 were just wrong. I acknowledge that and like I said, the texts thereafter were after we came to the final decision that there would be absolutely NC. It was my voice of reason for his Wifes benefit, because I needed to focus on my recovery.

 

So I think I take offense to ur response but can see how without all the facts people can come to their own opinions of the situation. But thank u, I will not be contacting her nor him ever again. I will tell her the truth if I should hear from her again. Thank u for ur advice

[Athena]

Okay, thanks for the clarification.

 

I'm not judging you.

 

You sound like you are working hard on yourself.

[onthefence210]

I wanted to get some insight because there are a lot (and I mean A LOT) of OW who divorce their H's with the hope that their MM or xMM will follow their lead one day.

 

Remember how you said it was the right love at the wrong time and that if it was meant to be, it will be?

 

I know you have had many issues with your husband and I don't blame you for divorcing.

 

No, I have been in limbo with divorcing my H, way before xmm came into the picture. I had an emotional relationship with him, with emotions that I never had with my H. I believe I was able to be open with him because there never were any expectations of him leaving his marriage for me. So when I filed, it was after the NC this last time. Like I've said, highly dysfunctional marriage, although it was less so when I met xmm. But xmm did give me something that I had longed for in my marriage. I believe it was the right love at the wrong time not because I hold out hope for him but because it was everything I knew I didn't have in my marriage. I have nothing else to compare it to as I've been with my H since I was 20, and had only one other LTR besides him. So from my experience that's all ive got. Not saying its right just saying its what I've known.

 

I feel like I'm being stoned on here, so I'm trying to give the info so people can see the only motive I have for the question asked is should I tell his W the truth? It's the only thing I have hanging over my head. Maybe it's suppose to be there to keep me honest, the guilt I feel now that I've read so many BS pains on here. Maybe it's self preservation. Idk, but there's no hidden agenda.

 

Thank u again for being able to put ur pain aside, and not push your hurt feelings onto me. Although I can understand and empathize.

[onthefence210]

Okay, thanks for the clarification.

 

I'm not judging you.

 

You sound like you are working hard on yourself.

 

Thank you, I honestly want to just put this behind me. I have dealt with this woman and I think I was just more afraid that I'd be dragged into it again while in one of her drunken moments. I understand why she does it because he has never had to be completely transparent with her, and so she contacts me. The last 2 contacts w xmm I believe were done because at that point, although I kno not right, but were the two of us just trying to hold on to what we knew we could not. It was kinda pathetic in those two last contacts, me no longer feeling his pain of his reasons for staying, so it ended up being two last contacts of the both of us realizing that although he has no plans of getting any type of outside help to improve his marriage, we can not be an escape from our realities, him staying in his M and me getting divorced. It was just us seeing the situation for what it was. Something we had already discussed yet after his W's confession to me and then her drunken email a month later, we had to come to terms with not having that emotional attachment. I don't expect anyone to understand it and again it was my thought process then.

 

I think that's what's hard for people to understand who have been betrayed, not all WS are monsters. And every A, is unique. None are right by any means, but sometimes they opportunities for change. I could still be in my A, or I could continue to stay in a marriage that provides exactly what I knew as normal. But I don't want to be either of those people, so I come here reading both forums, infidelity and OW/OM. I can empathize with both yet I posted here because I wasn't looking for anything but people's feelings who have been in xmm W's shoes. I was her 15 yrs ago, i couldn't get the truth from my h, nor did he empathize with me as a BS. I had no support forum to get info from, and a the shame I felt was not something I could share. My H, is good at being perfect to everyone of my kind at that time, and sadly when you are co dependent and emotionally immature, you attract the same type.

 

So thank u for noticing my growth I Expected some of the reactions and hopefully I'm not coming across as some pissed off xOW. I'm actually in a great place emotionally with my progress. I kno I have so much more work to do and will continue looking for things on here that I'm missing as the only knowledge I have about true reconciliation is from this sight. It helps me to bring up certain behaviors I have had, that I wasn't aware of to my IC.

[onthefence210]

From your opening post you say it was mostly an emotional affair, and that leaves me to understand that it was also physical if I'm not wrong.

 

You say you confessed to your husband, and the the OM confessed to his wife but you both continued contact 7 months after that.

And now it's been 2 months of NC because his wife found out that the contact had not stopped at all since he initially confessed.

 

It seems her husband might have confessed, but he minimized, omitted, and gaslighted the truth. It seems he has painted you as the desperate and unstable stalker to save his ass.

 

This man asked you to not speak to his wife, not because he wanted to protect you from her anger, but because he is a coward. He has you feeling sorry for him, when in actuality he is playing you. Perhaps you did not know him as well as you think.

 

Sorry I missed this but think I've addressed most in my responses to others. I do agree he painted me as a stalker, as I knew he needed to lie to her because admitting the truth would well get him in trouble. He isn't interested in R, he has his reasons for staying so he does. Am I making excuses for his behavior, no, but at that time two months ago, I did want to spare him the beating he'd get when he got home. I am not delusional, nor am I waiting for him to need me again...I just at the time wanted to spare him grief. I didn't want to tell her the truth because it really didn't matter what I said. She had her mind made up and she believed whatever he told her and so yeah he got what he needed. Like I've said, I had no sympathy for this woman, I had no feelings for her what so ever. That was almost two months ago. Today I posed the question because I am two months into my post xmm and honestly I don't care what he needs I just want to let all of this go, and continue to deal with my issues, the ones that kept me in a marriage too long and the issues that allowed me for two yrs to keep a highly emotional, sometimes physical affair going without even feeling bad about it. I have come a long way, and believe it will be a daily thing for me to consciously think about. I can't even begin to explain how co dependency feels normal and so learning new behaviors and living them, well it can feel completely foreign and totally uncomfortable to someone like me. So I do question things all the time. And this question about telling xmm W the truth about the last 2 contacts, was me questioning what I should do now, since I can't go back in time.

[Furious]

After reading your heartfelt posts, I admire your courage and strength.

It's clear that you're searching to find the true you and the wish to live an authentic life. You're facing it head on and with determination, and working with an Individual counselor to break from your co-dependency with an alcoholic husband and the breakup of your affair.

 

 

I think from what you've said about the MM's wife and the two affairs she admitted to, that it's very likely that her husband had a revenge affair and sadly this involved you. If that's the case then I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like their marriage is very toxic and you were dragged into.

 

I would not contact the BS, but if she were to call you, i would recommend you calmly answer her questions and then put it to rest in order for all of you to move forward in your own lives.

[onthefence210]

Hey I'm a fow but I do have a unique prospective as I talked to the BS so I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I answered every question she asked me with complete honesty. I have no regrets and it was the right thing to do. Her husband was not telling her the truth and she wanted it and by that point, she was desperate.

 

So I think if she contacts you again, you should apologize if it's sincere and answer all her questions.

 

If she thinks you are stalking her and you haven't been, then clearly her husband has painted you as the crazy ow and it's highly unlikely he told her the truth.

 

I spoke to her after their dday. It was I think about a week after. She called me and I was truly remorseful for what we had done to her, thinking that as I answered her call. I knew shed call one day based on what I knew about her. So as I sat there listening in disbelief to her, she didn't ask me one question. She didnt want to know any truth, at that point she just wanted to confess her sins to me, excuse her H's behavior and make it clear that what her H and I had was nothing short of a band aid for there rocky marriage. I was ready to confess, I had already been thru it with my H. But at that time she didn't want truth. Then came the email that spewed lies, and I told her H to deal with her. He had no clue that shed contact me because I hadn't Been brought up since their dday. That's when xmm told me that things were no different and that he isn't going to try an work on true reconciliation.

 

So her last texts weren't looking for truth. She was accusing me of staking her H, not her, and yes I kno why. Xmm was out of town, so his W went thru his cell bill which has no evidence of me as he contacted me from his work cell. We decided at that time that there couldn't be anymore check ins as it was too hard on the both of us. Days later he gets a phone call from her with what she thinks is me on his phone bill. He then tells me of this and warns me that if she should contact me, at first he wanted me on the phone with her and him to confirm we'd never talk again but I couldn't at that time because I was at my daughters game. Then he just told me if she contacts me to ignore her, as he had handled it. I never asked how. I just let it go.

 

So...that's it. I did as he asked. I have focused all my energy into learning from others experiences on here because like I've said, my dday was me confessing to my H who doesn't care what I did. He doesn't want to talk about it nor any of the issues in our marriage. He wants me back to who I was when I made no mistakes and did as I was told.

 

I think the guilt of what I did, letting xmm gaslight and minimize got to me. Not because I am mad at him but because i took responsibility for something that wasn't mine to own, for what, to save him. Thats a def me problem. If she contacts me again, I'll be sure to just forward everything. I can't talk to her, she is truly not looking for truth, she is just looking for a person to blame so she doesn't have to face reality. Now to me, that's a fog. I knew it well in my M and my H is still in it.

[onthefence210]

After reading your heartfelt posts, I admire your courage and strength.

It's clear that you're searching to find the true you and the wish to live an authentic life. You're facing it head on and with determination, and working with an Individual counselor to break from your co-dependency with an alcoholic husband and the breakup of your affair.

 

 

I think from what you've said about the MM's wife and the two affairs she admitted to, that it's very likely that her husband had a revenge affair and sadly this involved you. If that's the case then I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like their marriage is very toxic and you were dragged into.

 

I would not contact the BS, but if she were to call you, i would recommend you calmly answer her questions and then put it to rest in order for all of you to move forward in your own lives.

 

Thank u. Maybe that is something that I will have to process...the revenge affair thought. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to reconcile with that as our A, happened 5 yrs after, her first one that he never confirmed. They did however separate for a yr and he got himself a gf at that time. Her 2nd was 7 months in at the time ours started. He posed the thought to me because he had seen a number come up on her phone. By that time we were about a yr into it. He never had confirmation of either of them until 4 days after he confessed. And then she called me a week later. So I don't believe the revenge A motive. He was unhappy, I was unhappy. Our A was not some sex crazed fog. And why an A thru ur phone? He could have had a revenge A, right in his own back yard. He chose vulnerable codependent 5 states away.

 

Seriously tho, we were just two people in the same exact situation that found comfort in someone who could understand, and ultimately someone who could give us what we will never be able to get at home no matter how much we change to make our marriages work.

 

Listen, if it is the truth, I will never kno. But I guess for me, it just doesn't make sense. I can only say that I have felt such a huge loss over the last 7 months since we stopped talking every day. I get the reason for the contact the few times after, that's kinda when our A got "real" in our heads. So it took us a couple of times to let go again. I am not proud of any of it. Actually it was my constant internal struggle from the day I realized we had crossed the line. But I was able to push that feeling aside when it reared it's head because I was emotionally attached to this man.

 

I'm sorry, I just can't agree with that today. Today I refuse to see myself as his victim too. Maybe a case of denial, but unless I'm forgetting something that happened in our relationship, I'd have to disagree .

 

But thanks Furious! I don't kno ur story but I've read some of ur responses and I can tell, putting personal feelings aside to help others is a humble and generous thing for anyone. I appreciate this site. I truly do. It's my voice of reason when I'm trying to understand.

[BetrayedH]

I honestly would like to kno ur thoughts on my perceived agenda. I have filed for divorce, I am going to counseling to learn different behaviors as I am openly admitting that I have issues. I am not looking to get anything from this woman, I was looking to see if she deserved the truth. I keep reading how the BS has the right to kno, so I bring up this question on here and I have an agenda. Listen, I'm not hoping for this guy handed over to me, nor do I want to create a problem for the two of them. I am just asking if I should? I respect the opinions on here and so I have no clue as to why this is an issue? So please BetrayedH...tell me what my thoughts are since u live in my head. I am getting out of a highly emotionally abusive marriage, as a co dependent, and I am doing everything in my power to never be who I was, pre and during my A.

 

I have read some past posts of my own and have even thanked this forum, and my IC for opening my eyes. I posed the question again, not because I am going to benefit because in all honesty, I get nothing but the truth being told. I get nothing. If u think that xmm would want me to tell his W the truth, and we could go sailing off into the sunset...that is far from the truth. The question was put out there for people like you who have been betrayed to give me advice, based on your experiences and feelings. I ignored this woman's texts because I knew I was thrown under the bus. And it was my way of protecting him from the consequences because at the time, I couldn't empathize with her. I just couldn't for my own reasons. He was handling her, and I honestly didn't want to lie to her for him so I said nothing.

 

I guess you can apply your feelings from your experience and only see the agenda that you want to see and I understand that. I can type and type to try to explain but I am not getting anything out of this except maybe the end. I will keep the truth to myself, his lies to her are his to live with. I will get over my passive approach so he didn't have to acknowledge or own his part in any of this. I thank u for ur response, I now can see how until you actually kno me as a person, you'd know that I am not out for anything other then learning from my choices and making the best ones from now on.

 

Fair enough. I will take you at your word. When I saw that there was another thread and that you had said the "right person, wrong time" comment, I assumed that this was a typical ploy by a MOW to help mentally justify ruining their marriage for good. While people may say that every affair is unique, I see so many patterns here, it's difficult to believe in exceptions. I will also admit that my experience taints my view. I'm not a big fan of infidelity at the moment.

 

If you say your question is meant as a legitimate one, again, I will take you at your word and I apologize for my assumption.

 

So to the question at hand, you now seem resolved that you will not contact the BS. Personally, I would still think that the BS has a right to know and I'm no sure what advice you got here that has lead you to the conclusion that you shouldn't share it with her. I agree that it does seem to be one thing that is left hanging over your head. Why not remove it so that you can move forward with your own life and know that you at least did what you could to share truth in the end for the sake of his BS? I think doing this one last thing in regards to their marriage would then finally allow you to focus on your own life and marriage. You said something about not having any responsibility to her. From a moral/ethical standpoint, you did have a responsibility not to sleep with the woman's husband. I'm not trying to judge you here but suggesting that this might be one way that you can make some amends and do what you can for your own conscience. To be sure, it will make things more messy for you as the BS is not terribly stable but perhaps that is part of cleaning up your mess. You can't do everything to make it right but you can be truthful and then leave them to do as they will.

 

Regardless, good luck to you. I hope that all four people in this situation can find a way to heal. If you continue to do things of which you can be proud, you will likely be doing your best by yourself and other people, and after a good number of those correct, honorable decisions, you will find that you are again proud of yourself.