Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Wow. Now I'm being encouraged to deceive. This is awesome. Sorry, but this idea isn't for me or my situation. I understand your motivation but it's not mine. There is NC and there has been nothing out of the ordinary for me to follow such an extreme measure. Again, sorry but this one won't do.
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 By the way, I'm curious as to how you are 99% sure I'm in false recovery and that she is still cheating. You know nothing at all what's going on here as you're 100% incorrect.
Owl Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Actually, it's not a 'win/win'. If SD were to follow the suggestion...and for the sake of argument, his PI comes up empty handed, saying that she was a model citizen...if SD were to return here to post that information, he'd be told that his PI was lousy, or that his wife was too smart to fall for that and had just taken the A further underground, or whatever. It wouldn't change how his wife were 'seen' in the eyes of many posters here...because negative evidence isn't the same as positive evidence. You can't PROVE that she's not cheating in the same fashion that you could PROVE that she was. You can't "catch" someone 'not-cheating'. It wouldn't be enough that the PI didn't see anything. SD...hold the course that you feel is best for you and your marriage. It's your life, not mine, nor anyone else's. 1
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I think what abelincoln was alluding to when he made the arbitrary 99% statistic is that affair rarely just end abruptly. Affairs are like drugs that the wayward spouse becomes addicted to. They like the rush, the excitement, the escape. These effects are compounded the longer the affair lasts for. In your case, this affair has lasted for 5 years! That is nearly half of your marriage spent with another man by your wife. 5 years of lies, deceit, and false memories. Secondly and this is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT: The affair did not end because she ended it or confessed to it. It ended because you FINALLY found out. Imagine if you had not found out. How much longer would it have lasted? Another 5, 10, 15, 20 years? Just like a drug addict, people in affairs have a hard time quitting cold turkey. I am not in your shoes. I do not know you nor your wife but I and abelincoln are just laying out the objective facts to you. Like I said, ultimately this is your life and your decision. I just want to make sure you are aware of all the facts and make a careful decision and not one based on false emotions.
Artie Lang Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Dig.....it doesn't matter what anybody else says. if you're happy and comfortable where you and Mrs. Dig are, then f!@# everbody else, man. you don't have to justify your decision and/or actions to anyone. abe, you have some valid points, but the fact of the mattter is Dig has moved on- past the affair -and is now navigating the rough waters ahead. it's pointless to retread the subject. believe me, we grilled Dig on everything you've mentioned already. let the man live his life, already. 1
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Artie is right. We should let him live his life. We were only just trying to give him a clearer picture of the situation. If he aware of this and still wants to R, who are we to stop him? Good luck Somedaydig but just keep in mind what we said because we truly don't want to see you get hurt.
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks, Artie. Anyone who has actually read the threads I have started knows that I was seeking guidance and actually did listen to and consider the advice people gave even if I didn't 100% agree with it (like the one's calling for me to immediately divorce her horrible a$$). I think this Abe dude is someone who was probably banned from here previously, as he seems extremely reluctant to actually talk about "himself". It's easy to cast the first stone most times.
Artie Lang Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 "like the one's calling for me to immediately divorce her horrible a$$." i was one of them.....remember? i respect your decision, though. 1
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 i was one of them.....remember? i respect your decision, though. I seem to recall that, bud, but honestly I'd have to go back and re-read. Trust me, I thought about it but in the end it wasn't the choice I made. In the end, if I made the wrong choice, I will be the one who has to suffer for it. However, I don't think I did. I think I made the right choice and I appreciate anyone who can respect that decision without piling all of their crap onto it. By the way, I watched you in Old School last night...LMFAO!! I can't help but to always picture that I'm talking to the real Artie. I've always had a soft spot for him.
BetrayedH Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 SD, My story is somewhat like yours, roles reversed. I have a LD EA with someone and confessed to my H. He told the xOM that he should tell his wife and if he didn't, we would forward her all the proof. He didn't tell her, so we provided her with proof. It was part of our reconciliation, and I had no problems with it. The A was LD, but I still had ties to people in that community. One of them knew about the EA, and actually encouraged it! Most of the friends sided with the xMOM. Ultimately, I had to completely cut ties with all of them. My H wanted me to do it anyway, because he didn't want xOM knowing our business and we knew he would find out through my mutual friends. It was no big loss. Like someone else said, who needs enemies when you have friends like that. If I may ask, are you successfully reconciled with your betrayed husband?
Spark1111 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Thanks, Artie. Anyone who has actually read the threads I have started knows that I was seeking guidance and actually did listen to and consider the advice people gave even if I didn't 100% agree with it (like the one's calling for me to immediately divorce her horrible a$$). I think this Abe dude is someone who was probably banned from here previously, as he seems extremely reluctant to actually talk about "himself". It's easy to cast the first stone most times. SD.and maybe this warrants a new thread, but how about the people who thought you were a total azzh#le for reconciling with a cheater? The ones who said never in a million years could I do that, but you do what you want, when statistically we know this to be sooooo untrue. Most will attempt and it more depends on what happens in the aftermath of dday that will determine whether you reconcile successfully or not, I lost a lot of those friends too. Our situation scared them. Maybe it was too close to home. Who knows? But it does happen. And the bottom line is, for me, if they are or cannot be a friend to the marriage, they can no longer be my friend. I'm okay with that today.
Author SomedayDig Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 SD.and maybe this warrants a new thread, but how about the people who thought you were a total azzh#le for reconciling with a cheater? Goodness, that would be a crazy thread. The ones who said never in a million years could I do that, but you do what you want, when statistically we know this to be sooooo untrue. Most will attempt and it more depends on what happens in the aftermath of dday that will determine whether you reconcile successfully or not, My whole point about the trust issue is this: How can I as a BS begin to reconcile if I don't try trusting? I either win or lose. In the present, I honestly feel as if she is telling me the complete truth. She has answered EVERY question I have asked of her without batting an eye ~ EVEN when it's been an extremely painful question/answer! I lost a lot of those friends too. Our situation scared them. Maybe it was too close to home. Who knows? One of my thoughts, too. One of the chicks that chose the xOM over me (even though he lied to his wife) was a huge instigator during "Girls Night Out". My wife was no angel, but she at least had the "balls" to tell me everything. This chick is scared that my wife got caught and I haven't spoken to her husband since this all came down. He's been quite sheltered from me. But it does happen. And the bottom line is, for me, if they are or cannot be a friend to the marriage, they can no longer be my friend. I'm okay with that today. Ya know what? I'm okay with not having them as friends of our marriage. I said this from day one (sounds like G. Bush who I really hate, but whatever)...either you're with us or you're against us. If you're against us, then I have no use for you as a "friend". I think the inviting the xOM was a passive aggressive way for the "GNO" chick (it was her party) to get us to not go and tell us who she was pulling for. It doesn't matter that he's a wealthy lawyer and she is a wanna-be socialite in the community. But whatever.
BetrayedH Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 abelincoln, I realize you are trying to make him see the grave magnitude of his situation but my advice is to tone it back. Instead of lashing out at him and insulting his choices, I think it is best if you are more subtle as I am trying to be. For example, my comment about the affair continuing while he was home is a subtle but extremely effective way to make him see the great lengths of deception in this marriage. However, ultimately it is someday's choice whether or not to reconcile and we should let him be happy with his own choice. Almost sounds like good cop, bad cop. Except it is two monitors being run buthe same person.
Author SomedayDig Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Thank you all for your patience today. I am honestly sorry that my thread came to this and I really don't like getting to that angry place that I went. My wife and I just had about a half hour discussion about things and how she truly IS telling me the truth no matter what some naysayers have to comment. It is disheartening that I engaged this poster, but sometimes...even when my wife betrayed me so horribly...I can't NOT be a man and stand my ground for her. I love her. This thread was about the irony of finding that book stuffed in a box in our basement and recalling getting it as a gift. It also spoke to how I thought some people were my friends...who agreed to support my decision to reconcile with my wife but in turn decided to blame me for the xOM's wife leaving him - even though he continued to lie to her and gaslight her. They can't see that in him. They see me as the reason she left. It is irony. At its most basic sense. I'd rather stay on topic than continue to have some troll bait me. I was a fool for falling for it.
Soul_Lost Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 SD, I know that you've been through the ringer here but you have remained calm and focused. This is a tough time you are going through and you may or may not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am just over 3 years into recovery myself and everyday presents its own set of challenges. Above all else, you need to remain true to yourself. Regardless of some of the long winded posts in this thread there is always a tinge of truth. You are doing what you feel is right for you. I have had some of the very same challenges you are facing and you will know who the true friends are. Keep holding your WS's feet to the fire and you will see what her true character is like. It's not easy being in this type of situation. Everyone close to me who knows have all said the same thing "Your a bigger man than me because you chose to reconcile". They all would of tucked tail and bailed. It's just not that easy after you have spent the better part of a decade plus with someone. I don't post much, but I do follow your threads because they are so eerily close to what I went through. Keep your head up and mind focused. This is the road less travelled my friend. SL 1
Author SomedayDig Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 SD, I know that you've been through the ringer here but you have remained calm and focused. This is a tough time you are going through and you may or may not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am just over 3 years into recovery myself and everyday presents its own set of challenges. Above all else, you need to remain true to yourself. Regardless of some of the long winded posts in this thread there is always a tinge of truth. You are doing what you feel is right for you. I have had some of the very same challenges you are facing and you will know who the true friends are. Keep holding your WS's feet to the fire and you will see what her true character is like. It's not easy being in this type of situation. Everyone close to me who knows have all said the same thing "Your a bigger man than me because you chose to reconcile". They all would of tucked tail and bailed. It's just not that easy after you have spent the better part of a decade plus with someone. I don't post much, but I do follow your threads because they are so eerily close to what I went through. Keep your head up and mind focused. This is the road less travelled my friend. SL I fully appreciate your comment, especially having been where I am. No, it is not an easy place to be and yesterday dealing with the other poster truly tested me and my resolve. This is my choice to stay and our choice to reconcile. She also had the choice to leave and chose to stay and suffer the slings and arrows from me. As I said in a post that had to be deleted, I didn't simply look at the 5 year affair to make my decision. I looked at our entire history of 13 years and weighed it all in my head. While I seemingly decided to stay relatively quickly (within a couple days), I still don't think it was the wrong decision. I didn't have this forum to post on until a month later and by then we were well into MC and nightly talks on our deck. I took flack, which I honestly didn't expect, but I still listened to the advice and considered it. I spoke openly about it to my wife, too. In the end, I am saddened that my "friends" took the xOM's side because his BW left him. Again, he lied to her and THAT is why she left - not because I responded to her email asking questions of me. Maybe one day that group will see the light. Then again, maybe they won't. Either way, it will be without the benefit of having myself and my wife as their friends. By the way, I had to chuckle at your last sentence, as I use it quite often when asked to describe myself. I don't take the road less traveled. I carry a machete and cut my own road off the side of the road less traveled. 3
Soul_Lost Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 By the way, I had to chuckle at your last sentence, as I use it quite often when asked to describe myself. I don't take the road less traveled. I carry a machete and cut my own road off the side of the road less traveled. I totally agree with this sentiment. The only issue with that is you need to carry a whetstone with you because the blade will get dull. I've always said that Karma is a short bus with a long memory and your so called "friends" will get hit by it. The minute they think they are immune to the havoc that infidelity can wreak, that's when the Karma bus arrives. Those in glass houses. You came to your decision in relatively short order. For me it took time to get to a place where I accepted what took place. The hardest thing to do was to prove to my FWW and tell her that in spite of all the crap, I still loved her. There have been more positive days lately than negative days. I look more toward the future now than I have in many months. You will get there too but it will not be easy. Keep chugging along and you will see the benefits of what you are doing. Tough times don't last. In the end, you will see who had your back and who was just along for the ride. I've forged and dumped a lot of friendships over the last 3 + years. Now, I see what I have clearer than I have in a LONG time. SL 1
frozensprouts Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 everyone on here can give you lots of advice, parts on the back,or kicks in the rear...but when it comes right down to it, you're the one on here that knows your wife and your situation best and also what you need to do. If you trust your wife, if you feel she is being open and honest with you ( and also with herself) and if you feel that what you are doing is what's right for you, then that's great. 1
Furious Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) SD When a circle of friends have their own secrets or share the same digressions, or fear that they themselves are not immune to betrayal, they circle the wagons and spit out the person who threatens their facade. A strong couple must always protect their union...they must come first before the friends...if your wife knew about the secrets and going ons of these friends and did not confide this to you...it appears she drank the cool-aid and won full membership to this clique. If you knew what her girlfriends were up to...you would have not been so trusting of your wife when she spent time with them. If your wife gets it now, she will not condone or participate with people who don't share the same values as you have now. Honesty and communication, and always putting you marriage first is the only way to rebuilding a strong and happy marriage. I believe you and your wife are on the right path, and I'm rooting for you. Edited July 17, 2012 by Furious 3
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