Artie Lang Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 i told you these people couldn't be trusted, Dig. they were bound to be talking behind your back- HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. things were never gonna be the same within this group. it is what it is, bud. time to move on. btw, hit me with a shot. i'll sip some whiskey with you.
frozensprouts Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 The douchebags are history. All of them. Let them live in their little subdivision and do nothing but love themselves and think they're better than others. I've got news for them. They're nothing but fakes and cowards. reminds me of the old song "Little Boxes"... like one poster said...you'll soon learn who you friends are, and those people, even if they are few in number, are the people you need around you right now...the others don't deserve the title 'friend"
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 I have some news about your ex douchebag friend's wives. They may talk **** about you [small town ... i know how those are], but that will pass and i bet you everything that deep down, in the deepest core of their being, they wished they had a guy that stirred up this much trouble to pull his wife out, alienated his friends for his morals, didn't cheat, and is giving his wife a 2nd chance. Those guys, they are fools and with every step you take in life after this ****storm the difference between them and you gets bigger and bigger, and their wives envy gets deeper. Off-course, they will never admit this, but these thoughts do go through their mind, because what you did does show strength ... you created hell to get your wife back and chose her over 'friends'. Thank you Radu. I sincerely appreciate that. It astounds me that people don't see through that---although, it could be a mixed blessing in the long run............. You could look at this as a way of filtering out true friends, from phony friends. Exactly. i told you these people couldn't be trusted, Dig. they were bound to be talking behind your back- HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. things were never gonna be the same within this group. it is what it is, bud. time to move on. btw, hit me with a shot. i'll sip some whiskey with you. I know Artie...you did. But as a man of my word, I promised that I would try and I did keep my end of the bargain by not holding it against them to stay friends with this f'ng guy...until THEY totally disrespected me. Now they can take a long walk off a short pier and I'll be at the end to push em. Drinking a shot of Cinnamon Whiskey right now, man. Cheers! reminds me of the old song "Little Boxes"... like one poster said...you'll soon learn who you friends are, and those people, even if they are few in number, are the people you need around you right now...the others don't deserve the title 'friend" No. They don't deserve that title one bit.
frozensprouts Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 No. They don't deserve that title one bit. it's kind of sad when you think about it...a bunch of strangers in cyberspace have been more supportive of you than some of your real life "friends" ( and I use that term very loosely) 2
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Wow. A 5 year affair and you are willing to reconcile? You must really love her? I just have to ask..how often did they meet up for sex during those 5 years? This is something I can't wrap my head around. Good luck with everything. I hope it works out for you.
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 it's kind of sad when you think about it...a bunch of strangers in cyberspace have been more supportive of you than some of your real life "friends" ( and I use that term very loosely) You're absolutely right FS. Its amazing that I have found more cyber people willing to give advise and even when it was something I didn't want to hear. Wow. A 5 year affair and you are willing to reconcile? You must really love her? I just have to ask..how often did they meet up for sex during those 5 years? This is something I can't wrap my head around. Good luck with everything. I hope it works out for you. Yes, it is a tough thing to wrap one's head around, right?! Five years is an insane amount of time. They met up on average every other month. I've looked back on the entirety of our relationship to be able to come to grips with things. Tag on my username and read the threads I have started here since April if you want to get the full story. I held nothing back and gave an open and honest assessment of my feelings and how difficult reconciliation is and will be for those who choose to try it. Thank you for the well wishes. It always means a lot.
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I read through some of your threads and posts. Touching how you reacted. I applaud you. I must say though, this would be an extremely difficult thing for me to recover from. Was it ONCE a month, every other month? If this is the best case scenario, then that means that sex occurred at least 30 times. This also included rendezvous in your house. (Were you away on business during the times they met up?) One other thing I think you should consider (again not dissuading you from trying to R but just warning you) is: Did your wife only stay with you for financial security? Do you earn way more than her/pay for everything? I ask this because 5 years is a long time to lie.
96nole Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 You're absolutely right FS. Its amazing that I have found more cyber people willing to give advise and even when it was something I didn't want to hear. I think it has a lot to do with what someone posted earlier about those that side with a cheater often are cheating or cheated themselves. If that is the case with these "friends", then they will most likely want you out of the picture. Else risk being caught themselves. They see the consequences the OM is facing and don't want any part of that in their house.
Artie Lang Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 could these people be "carved out" completely from your life? what i mean is.....are they a mainstay in your social circle? this is how devastating infidelity is. it not only affects the primary parties involved, but your whole life patterns change as a consequence. even though it's quite despicable the way they are acting, there is no one to blame but your wife and this scumbag for putting all invlolved through this. i hope your wife grasps the enormity of her indescretion.
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 could these people be "carved out" completely from your life? what i mean is.....are they a mainstay in your social circle? this is how devastating infidelity is. it not only affects the primary parties involved, but your whole life patterns change as a consequence. even though it's quite despicable the way they are acting, there is no one to blame but your wife and this scumbag for putting all invlolved through this. i hope your wife grasps the enormity of her indescretion. For the most part they can be completely carved out. Except for the fact that our kids all go to the same school, we don't have to see them for squat. She definitely knows how bad this came out. She apologizes every day for it, too.
Summer Breeze Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) Dig. I think I've read through all of this and I think I have a lot of your backstory but forgive me if I've missed something along the line. I get the idea of what they're saying about you but who are they saying it to and how are you hearing about it? You said you were invited to the same party. Did they let you and your W come along or tell you beforehand that was the situation? Did they give you a reason? Did they apologize? Was it Paul who arranged this or another in the group who may not have felt it was necessary to invite one or the other but to invite both and tell you so you could make the choice as to whether or not to go? I'm a bit of a naysayer here. I agree with posters who have commented at how quickly and easily your W walked away from the A and became Mrs Honesty. I hope my skepticism is wrong because I'd hate to see a good guy like you get another dose of what she was obviously very good at. 5 years is a long time and I doubt her. A friend had a H who did this and he reacted like her. He was model in how he handled it. He was playing her and building her up to trust him again. What better way than to do better than expected. I hope I'm wrong and in a couple of years I want you to remind me how wrong I am ok? One other thing to keep in mind. You forgave your W for cheating on you for 5 years. You did that. You saw there was enough good in her and your R that you stayed and were going to give her the benefit of the doubt. They are all a group of friends. Individual SOs I'm sure but they're friends. It feels like everyone is expecting them to hold the OM up to a higher standard than your W. Your W had an A and he had an A. If they're expected to turn their backs on the OM then why shouldn't they do the same with your W? I know that Paul was bffs with him and he's done something (which I asked about at the beginning of this novel) but what makes him so much worse than your W? Is it how he handled everything after? That's up to his W to sort out and it sounds like she did. I see him marginally worse than her because he couldn't own up to it but then again I'm not convinced about her so I probably see them on a par. If they shouldn't forgive him and hang around with him then they should treat her the same. I don't see a whole lot of logic in the whole thing about not being friends with cheaters. If we all did that we'd be divorced, estranged from friends and family members. I have a cousin with a drug addiction. When she's sober we have a great time together and that's when I choose to be with her. When she's using and wants me to be around I pass. You can be, and may well be, friends with someone who has had an A and it never involves the time you're with them. I'm not poking at you here Dig. Just some questions and thoughts. Edited July 16, 2012 by Summer Breeze
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Dig. I think I've read through all of this and I think I have a lot of your backstory but forgive me if I've missed something along the line. I get the idea of what they're saying about you but who are they saying it to and how are you hearing about it? You said you were invited to the same party. Did they let you and your W come along or tell you beforehand that was the situation? Did they give you a reason? Did they apologize? Was it Paul who arranged this or another in the group who may not have felt it was necessary to invite one or the other but to invite both and tell you so you could make the choice as to whether or not to go? We asked a few days before the party, confirming that since we RSVP'd months ago that he wasn't coming. The response was, "Well...he mentioned coming the other day" which says to me that they've been talking about it even knowing that my wife and I were going. This is a party that has been an annual event for a decade and we've gone each year. The xOM and his BW have NEVER gone. Until now he went. They didn't apologize. They simply said they feel sorry for him because he has no one and is being put through the ringer by his BW with the divorce. I'm a bit of a naysayer here. I agree with posters who have commented at how quickly and easily your W walked away from the A and became Mrs Honesty. I hope my skepticism is wrong because I'd hate to see a good guy like you get another dose of what she was obviously very good at. 5 years is a long time and I doubt her. A friend had a H who did this and he reacted like her. He was model in how he handled it. He was playing her and building her up to trust him again. What better way than to do better than expected. I hope I'm wrong and in a couple of years I want you to remind me how wrong I am ok? Totally understood here. I've said in another thread a while ago that my wife being caught was a relief to her. In her own words she was thankful that she didn't have to lie any more and that she was in the affair so deep she didn't have any idea how to get out. Now, is that awesome?! NO f'ng way! It's horrible! But, it's the reality she lived. The typical drug addict kind of crap. I'm not excusing her. I never have. It is simply the reality she was living. One other thing to keep in mind. You forgave your W for cheating on you for 5 years. You did that. You saw there was enough good in her and your R that you stayed and were going to give her the benefit of the doubt. They are all a group of friends. Individual SOs I'm sure but they're friends. It feels like everyone is expecting them to hold the OM up to a higher standard than your W. Your W had an A and he had an A. If they're expected to turn their backs on the OM then why shouldn't they do the same with your W? I know that Paul was bffs with him and he's done something (which I asked about at the beginning of this novel) but what makes him so much worse than your W? Is it how he handled everything after? That's up to his W to sort out and it sounds like she did. I see him marginally worse than her because he couldn't own up to it but then again I'm not convinced about her so I probably see them on a par. If they shouldn't forgive him and hang around with him then they should treat her the same. Actually, my comments to all of them were always "hold her feet to the fire" and "she betrayed your trust, too". I promise I never expected nor asked them to hold him to a higher standard. He is no worse than she is. I don't see a whole lot of logic in the whole thing about not being friends with cheaters. If we all did that we'd be divorced, estranged from friends and family members. I have a cousin with a drug addiction. When she's sober we have a great time together and that's when I choose to be with her. When she's using and wants me to be around I pass. You can be, and may well be, friends with someone who has had an A and it never involves the time you're with them. I'm not poking at you here Dig. Just some questions and thoughts. I appreciate your questions and thoughts. I have no problem answering honestly here. I too, have had friends who were into drugs - one of them is dead because of it. It was tough to deal with and I never associated with them while they were using.
Summer Breeze Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I appreciate your questions and thoughts. I have no problem answering honestly here. I too, have had friends who were into drugs - one of them is dead because of it. It was tough to deal with and I never associated with them while they were using. Thanks for your replies. They should have told you the second he'd been invited. They were way out of line with that. I still hold my feelings about your W but like I said --- I hope you can come back and say I told you so in a few years!
KathyM Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I haven't read the whole thread, but I just want to say that you did the right thing by getting the truth out there. At the end of the day, it's you whom you have to live with, not these other so-called friends. If the OM were allowed to get away with this with no consequences, he would have continued to cheat on his wife with somebody else, and she would have wasted more years of her life in the dark. He deserved to get blown out of the water on this, and fortunately, you had the guts to do it. You gave this woman her life back, and her right to make choices in her own life based on the truth. You did the right thing. She had a right to know. 1
VivienViolet Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 SD, My story is somewhat like yours, roles reversed. I have a LD EA with someone and confessed to my H. He told the xOM that he should tell his wife and if he didn't, we would forward her all the proof. He didn't tell her, so we provided her with proof. It was part of our reconciliation, and I had no problems with it. The A was LD, but I still had ties to people in that community. One of them knew about the EA, and actually encouraged it! Most of the friends sided with the xMOM. Ultimately, I had to completely cut ties with all of them. My H wanted me to do it anyway, because he didn't want xOM knowing our business and we knew he would find out through my mutual friends. It was no big loss. Like someone else said, who needs enemies when you have friends like that. 2
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hello. I don't know if you saw my earlier post but I just was wondering if you could quickly answer it. Thanks for the reply. I read through some of your threads and posts. Touching how you reacted. I applaud you. I must say though, this would be an extremely difficult thing for me to recover from. Was it ONCE a month, every other month? If this is the best case scenario, then that means that sex occurred at least 30 times. This also included rendezvous in your house. (Were you away on business during the times they met up?) One other thing I think you should consider (again not dissuading you from trying to R but just warning you) is: Did your wife only stay with you for financial security? Do you earn way more than her/pay for everything? I ask this because 5 years is a long time to lie. ---------- Also, do you have two children by the way? I ask this because there is another poster on another forum (a woman) who is posting regret for her 5 year affair and it sounds like your wife. Here is the link: My Story of Destruction and Recovery (Part 1)
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Hello. I don't know if you saw my earlier post but I just was wondering if you could quickly answer it. Thanks for the reply. I read through some of your threads and posts. Touching how you reacted. I applaud you. I must say though, this would be an extremely difficult thing for me to recover from. Was it ONCE a month, every other month? If this is the best case scenario, then that means that sex occurred at least 30 times. This also included rendezvous in your house. (Were you away on business during the times they met up?) One other thing I think you should consider (again not dissuading you from trying to R but just warning you) is: Did your wife only stay with you for financial security? Do you earn way more than her/pay for everything? I ask this because 5 years is a long time to lie. ---------- Also, do you have two children by the way? I ask this because there is another poster on another forum (a woman) who is posting regret for her 5 year affair and it sounds like your wife. Here is the link: My Story of Destruction and Recovery (Part 1) Sorry, I thought I responded earlier. On average they saw each other every 2 months over the five year period. As for why she stayed with me during her affair, I asked her and the answer was simply that this guy was an escape from her reality. She didn't want to leave me for him and she didn't want him to leave his wife for her. She has a good career so my financials didn't keep her here per se, but in the beginning, my career allowed her to have him at our house when I was on a trip. And yes...five years is a long time to lie. The history is that I left my flying job to be home more with my family back in October. It's interesting that I discovered the affair within five months. Being away from home all the time helped a lot in the lying. I'm quite certain of that.
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Wait. Even after you had left your job and were no longer traveling, she STILL continued to meet up with the OM for sex?
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Wait. Even after you had left your job and were no longer traveling, she STILL continued to meet up with the OM for sex? Yes. That happened 3 times after I stopped flying. 3rd time's a charm and I caught her.
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Someday, Last question: How old are you and your wife? I am just curious. I don't want you to stay just because you are afraid of being too old to find anyone else. I want you to only stay because of love and hope.
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Someday, Last question: How old are you and your wife? I am just curious. I don't want you to stay just because you are afraid of being too old to find anyone else. I want you to only stay because of love and hope. We're both in our 40's. I'm certainly not afraid of finding anyone else and she could certainly find another as well. We are here, in this place together because of love. Yes, she had a five year affair, however I've known her 13 years and we have a history before the affair that I'm willing to consider along with her tryst. Love and hope is what I enjoy about life. Walking up a trail in the mountains with my family and getting to the top together is enjoyment beyond compare. I did not enter into my marriage lightly and I certainly will not exit my marriage or entertain thoughts to exit it lightly, either. I wake up every morning with hope. I've said it before and it bears saying again: I absolutely HATE how we got to this place of openness and honest communication and love. However, I am happy we are here. 1
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 And to get the facts straight...they never screwed in my bed. It was a basement spare room where they did.
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Good to hear that then. My recommendation is that you guys should spend more time together, avoid the OM and his friends, etc. In fact, if you could have a new set of friends it would be for the best. However, never let her rugsweep or blameshift. In argument from now till one of you dies, you should always have the upper hand. You should not rub the affair in her face but should use it whenever appropriate. Finally, you should always remain suspicious. She was very deceitful for 5 years and can easily do it again. Abelincoln,, despite his in-your-face attitude, is correct in this. Use keyloggers, GPSs, etc. My warning to you is that right now after your first dday, we all have great sympathy for you. You did not deserve this and it sucks. However, if she winds up cheating on you in the future, then sad to say, most people will not feel too much sadness for you. Remember, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me again, shame on me." P.S.: I know LS members hate this idea but I think that if there ever was a case where a revenge affair was justified, this is one. I think you are entitled to a revenge affair if you wish to seek one.
Author SomedayDig Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks ghgh for your insight and comments. Yeah, if she cheats on me 20 years from now, I'm still walking out the door saying "I told you what would happen". As for a revenge affair...well, I'm just not interested to be honest with you. It's just not my "thing" and I just don't have a desire to do so. Hell, it would just hurt yet another person in the end - and I'm not talking about my wife, but about the woman the affair would be with. I'm not interested.
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Actually Somedaydig, abelincoln's idea is not actually that bad. I think in a few weeks or whatever, you should arrange for a trip out of town and then see what happens. If she is truly over him, then there will be no contact, no meet up, nothing. It may cost you a decent amount of money but if you want your marriage to work, it is worth the cost. At the very least, you will get peace of mind.
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