Ultimate Irony...(Longish)

[SomedayDig]

My wife and I had a yard sale last week. We just needed to clean out a ton of stuff and threw a ton of stuff away. Anyways, so we're going through things that had been in boxes for almost 8 years since we moved into our house and one box held so many books it was pathetic.

 

It was looking through the books that I saw it. AND remembered it immediately. It was a hard cover copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" which was given to my wife at her wedding shower. My wife had been cheated on by her previous LTR guy and I guess the person who gave it to her thought it would be a good read.

 

Obviously, she didn't read it - BUT I remember seeing it back about 12 years ago when she got it and I remarked "Well, that's a book we won't need".

 

Wow.

 

Part two. So, some who have read my story, know that the xOM is BFF's with a mutual friend I call "Paul". In the beginning of this whole thing, Paul said he was going to be neutral with his life long college frat drinking buddy and me. Show no signs of favoritism. I believed him. Until last week.

 

Come to find out the xOM has been staying at Paul's house because his wife kicked his ass out and is divorcing him and seeking full custody of their kids. Guess who Paul and the xOM blame for the loss of his family, home and everything else? You guessed it...ME.

 

I'm blamed by quite a few of that FORMER circle of friends because I told the xOM's wife the truth when he didn't. I also found out that the initial email I sent to her WAS in fact intercepted by the xOM and HE is the one who responded that they wanted to work on things - signing it with her name.

 

It was the 4/16 email I sent out of the blue that was the first one she got. It was then that she kicked him out.

 

So...where am I with all this? Well, the "circle of friends" does not include my wife and I any longer. SHE is the one who put an end to it last week when they invited the xOM to a party that WE were already going to. The only thing I asked that group was to never invite my wife and I if they invited the xOM and vice versa. I don't know if they thought I'd be okay with that, but we never found out because we heard he was going to be there. It wouldn't have been good. I'll just say that. My wife told them in her email that she accepts full responsibility for what she did and that they never once called to check on me or even text or email. BUT they have all been there for the xOM while he cries and whines about how I told his wife the truth and now he's suffering for it.

 

Oh, f'ng well. I'm elated that this is happening to him. If he had told his wife the truth from the beginning he might have had a chance. I gave him that option on dday. I told him, "You have a choice: You can tell your wife or I will."

 

He went all in and called my bluff. He didn't even have a pair against my full house.

[beenburned]

SD,

 

Paul and the XOM need their heads examined if they believe any of this mess was your fault!

 

I'm proud of you for doing the right thing and telling the BW!

 

I've found out many times in the past that the people who stick up for cheaters are usually guilty of it themselves.(even if it's still a secret)

 

You and your wife need to hang with friends who have the same morals and values.

 

Please keep a check on how BW is doing, as we all know how devastating the period after d-day is.

[Spark1111]

Hey, with friends like that, who needs enemies??????????

 

Your wife has taken responsibility for her actions. You told the OM he had a choice to tell, or you would and you did.

 

Affairs have consequences and he is bearing the brunt of his deception; not only during the affair but afterwards too. Exposure is in most reconciliation handbooks as a means to end the affair and give all spouses the right to make informed choices regarding their marriage and their future.

 

I remain amazed how many are willing to shoot the messenger, but absolve the actions of the cheater.

 

He, pretending to be his wife, intercepting that email and responding as if he were she, would have been the straw that broke MY BACk too as his wife. How dare he!

 

You are NOT the bad guy in all of this. IT is not your fault that you, with your wife's support, tried to be honest and do the right thing.

 

F'em all!

[SomedayDig]

Paul and his wife, well they were previously married. You can see where that's going since he's sticking up for his little college BFF.

 

It's absolutely astounding to me that I'm now being blamed for this!!

[SomedayDig]

Even better Alice... Paul cheated on his wife way back in the day. His wife now, she was his AP.

 

The plot thickens just a bit more. And I'm about ready to crack some skulls if they keep talking crap about me.

[Spark1111]

SD,

 

Paul and the XOM need their heads examined if they believe any of this mess was your fault!

 

I'm proud of you for doing the right thing and telling the BW!

 

I've found out many times in the past that the people who stick up for cheaters are usually guilty of it themselves.(even if it's still a secret)

 

You and your wife need to hang with friends who have the same morals and values.

 

Please keep a check on how BW is doing, as we all know how devastating the period after d-day is.

 

Excellent point bb!

 

There are those who stay in the good ole boys club and cheat believing as long as the wifey doesn't find out, what harm can it do?

 

Then there are those who would never quietly look the other way.

[Spark1111]

Even better Alice... Paul cheated on his wife way back in the day. His wife now, she was his AP.

 

The plot thickens just a bit more. And I'm about ready to crack some skulls if they keep talking crap about me.

 

Well, there you go. Birds of a feather stick together.

 

Who CARES if they talk trash about you? How convenient to blame you, no?

 

These are the type of people who go through life blaming others for their actions. You will never get them to see the errors of their assumptions.

 

Don't waste your time trying. Or if you do, just keep asking, didn't Mrs. fratbuddy have a right to know?

 

Watch terror strike across their faces, because of course, this would never happen to them, right?

 

Give me a break. That poor woman. Does the group blame HER for divorcing their friend?

[Athena]

Well it's better that you got rid of Paul and the xOM and the whole lot of them! Who cares if they are trying to blame YOU (the innocent betrayed husband) only because they cannot face telling the xOM the truth that HE f'ked up his own life?

 

At the end of the day, they know in their hearts you did nothing wrong. Also, if they are honest, they will say they probably would have done what you did, plus more.... so... refuse to accept their blame, let it run off your back.

 

While that xOM was doing your wife, he was actively harming you (stealing your wife), so he cannot expect any type of 'help' from you -- he's lucky you didn't break his nose for him.

 

Honestly, quit wondering what they think about you, they are in a cesspool there, don't try join them.

 

Paul is not your friend, that's obvious.

 

If xOM messed up your marriage, then whatever honest revelations you told his wife, if that caused his marriage to be messed up, too bad.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Athena

[Furious]

Excellent point bb!

 

There are those who stay in the good ole boys club and cheat believing as long as the wifey doesn't find out, what harm can it do?

 

Then there are those who would never quietly look the other way.

 

 

Honesty is like kryptonite in the good ole boys club, they don't want it near them or they perish in divorce court.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Furious

[SomedayDig]

Yes...absolutely nuts!! And I actually paced about 3 miles through my house talking on the phone with my real best friend...a guy who I used to fly with for years who knows the situation and has truly stood by us. He also lives a hundred miles away and has zero ties to this "circle" of idiots.

 

I'm literally getting ready to take my family to the local fair. Unfortunately, I think some of THEM might be there. It will take a miracle if I don't lay someone out if I'm face to face with them. I'll keep my will strong, though and hope to not lash out.

 

Ever have one of those days where you just pray someone rear ends you or says the wrong thing and you take a whole lot of frustration out on them? Yeah. I'm having one of THOSE days right now. My wife has said she will hold my hand, though. She is totally standing by me.

[frozensprouts]

pfffttt...

these people sound like a bunch of dolts.

i wonder how long it will be before "mr. can't keep it in his pants" will end up in an affair with one of their wives...then they'll be singing a different tune.

 

Maybe it's for the best that you separate from this group of friends anyway...it's time for you and your wife to have a fresh start and make some new friends and new memories , separate from the time she was cheating.

[SomedayDig]

I don't know . . . maybe you should go somewhere else tonight.

 

Confronting them OR ignoring them is going to exacerbate the situation. I think it's just going to cause unnecessary stress to even see them in passing. Even if they don't see you.

 

LOL. Ooops...I saw this post after we got home. They didn't show. Maybe because I made a big deal out of going before and they all know how much I love carny food! I think they just decided to stay away. We're talking a small town style stuff here. As in if we go to the grocery store there's only one to choose from.

 

pfffttt...

these people sound like a bunch of dolts.

i wonder how long it will be before "mr. can't keep it in his pants" will end up in an affair with one of their wives...then they'll be singing a different tune.

 

Maybe it's for the best that you separate from this group of friends anyway...it's time for you and your wife to have a fresh start and make some new friends and new memories , separate from the time she was cheating.

 

I hate to say it, but I'd love to see that happen. Unfortunately for them, my wife was the prettiest so he doesn't have a good one in the bunch to choose from I know that's a horrible thing to joke about, but I am Mr. Levity and say things like that from time to time.

 

As for my wife and I, we're ready to move on to different friends. These are the girls who always had the girls night out and my wife has told me about those already. They've already spread crap around about me, so I have zero use for them. Again, I'm absolutely stunned that me...the guy who was betrayed by my wife...is being blamed by them for poor wittle xOM's divorce. Hell, I'm gonna raise a shot of Jack to the xOM's wife for doing so right now. Those people are history in my book. No friends of mine and no friends of my marriage.

[SomedayDig]

Getting ready for bed, my wife usually goes outside for a final smoke. I went out there with her. She asked me if I talked to my friend on the phone earlier when I was in a bad place. I told her yes and it was odd that he called me right in the middle of things. She confessed that she texted him and asked him to call me since I was having a hard time with things. She then stood up and put her arms around me and simply said, "I'm sorry". She held me for a few minutes not saying a word.

 

I think we'll be okay one day. Someday.

[GLDheart]

Ever have one of those days where you just pray someone rear ends you or says the wrong thing and you take a whole lot of frustration out on them?...

 

I plead the fifth.

[SomedayDig]

You need to find out whether or not your wife ever did Paul.

 

It even sounds like Paul and her OM might have had a threesome with her.

 

Paul and the OM are just too close. Paul is exactly fitting the profile of the very good friend who screws the unknowning husband's wife.

 

Just float it out there with your wife--catch her off guard.

 

If her face turns all shades of red and purple, well, there's your answer.

 

And don't say it's not possible.

 

It's more than possible--it's very likely.

 

Ya know, in the beginning of this crap people like you created all this innuendo; and I asked things about making movies and all kinds of stuff. You're so far off base you don't even know. I get it. It was an affair but it wasn't a f'ng porno for God's sake.

[96nole]

As I was reading your post I was grabbing my laptop screen as if I was choking it.

 

I guess I don't have much more to add after what everyone else has said. But, WOW, what a bunch of douche bags you had as "friends". I say drop whatever bombs you know about and then walk away. Scorched Earth policy. Then act like you never knew them. Do you have any connections in the military that you can have an air strike sent in?

 

Then again i may still have morning grouchiness since the coffee hasn't kicked in yet.

[frozensprouts]

keep taking it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and someday you'll find where you are where you want to be...

 

someone ( my dad, actually) told me that if a marriage is able to be successfully reconciled after cheating, then it is usually a very strong marriage...

 

as for your wife talking to another guy ( your friend to try ad help you)...eventually, you'll have to trust that she has learned from all of this and won't do it again...whether she is there or not is something we can't answer, only you can

[SomedayDig]

Do you have any connections in the military that you can have an air strike sent in?

 

Then again i may still have morning grouchiness since the coffee hasn't kicked in yet.

 

You definitely got me laughing, man. I have connections, but not military (I'd be my own connection there), but the biker world can be a little intimidating!

[SomedayDig]

keep taking it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and someday you'll find where you are where you want to be...

 

someone ( my dad, actually) told me that if a marriage is able to be successfully reconciled after cheating, then it is usually a very strong marriage...

 

as for your wife talking to another guy ( your friend to try ad help you)...eventually, you'll have to trust that she has learned from all of this and won't do it again...whether she is there or not is something we can't answer, only you can

 

Thanks fs. Yeah, there comes a time when I gotta bite the bullet and actually believe what she tells me. I've jammed her up pretty harshly and her answers do not change. I believe her. As far as my friend goes whom she sent the text to, well I totally hear where everyone is coming from with a possible slippery slope, but again, there comes a point... I'll keep watch but I'm definitely not worried about them.

[BetrayedH]

Keep your head up, dude. You're doing fine. I hope your wife proves to be trustworthy over time. If not, you'll know.

[SomedayDig]

Keep your head up, dude. You're doing fine. I hope your wife proves to be trustworthy over time. If not, you'll know.

 

Thanks man. She's done a good job so far in telling me everything and answering every question without hesitation.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks man. She's done a good job so far in telling me everything and answering every question without hesitation.

 

I tell you, you won't find a bigger fan of reconciliation here than me. If it is possible (read: truly remorseful spouse), I absolutely think it is about the most honorable thing a person can do. Others disagree and I don't care. If you can keep your vows (welcome to "worse" than "better") in the face of this and truly reunite as a couple...well, when I see married couples that have been together 50 years, I figure they probably made it thru one of these, too. I think it is awesome for a couple to come out the other side and be able to say that one person made horrible mistakes (I know, I hate that word, too) but they did everything they could to make up for them and the other spouse showed love and forgiveness. Adultery certainly pushes the envelope but a marriage that survives the worst diffiulties is a beautiful thing. Good luck with your reconciliation.

 

Oh, and forget about the douchebags.

[SomedayDig]

The douchebags are history. All of them. Let them live in their little subdivision and do nothing but love themselves and think they're better than others. I've got news for them. They're nothing but fakes and cowards.

[Radu]

I have some news about your ex douchebag friend's wives.

 

They may talk **** about you [small town ... i know how those are], but that will pass and i bet you everything that deep down, in the deepest core of their being, they wished they had a guy that stirred up this much trouble to pull his wife out, alienated his friends for his morals, didn't cheat, and is giving his wife a 2nd chance.

 

Those guys, they are fools and with every step you take in life after this ****storm the difference between them and you gets bigger and bigger, and their wives envy gets deeper.

 

Off-course, they will never admit this, but these thoughts do go through their mind, because what you did does show strength ... you created hell to get your wife back and chose her over 'friends'.

[freestyle]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this kind of needless bullsh*t, Someday. (BTDT, myself) It IS infuriating.

 

It really does add insult to injury, to be smear-campaigned by the same person who was trying to destroy your marriage.........

 

It astounds me that people don't see through that---although, it could be a mixed blessing in the long run............. You could look at this as a way of filtering out true friends, from phony friends.