Some on why not to send closure e-mails

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This is from Mimi Tanner's (one of those people that sell e-books) free newsletter. I'm sure someone out there is having this dilemma today so I thought I'd share it. If you're one of those people, take it or leave it!

 

"We're talking about sending an email to your ex for closure - or sending an email to someone who isn't exactly your "ex" because things never really got off the ground with him. Perhaps the relationship was over quickly, and you may still be spending your time wondering what happened.

 

It's tempting to email an "ex" - and it's tempting to email a man who didn't appreciate you... who ignored you... who was sometimes there, and sometimes nowhere!

 

Wednesday, I shared an email from "Carmen" who was planning to send an email to her ex. Carmen's reason for emailing him was to let him know that she has moved on. She tells us that he only seems to want her when he can't have her.

 

She still had hopes for things working out with him. That was really the purpose of her sending an email to him. Here's why I say this.

 

If you really and truly don't care about a man any longer; if you've really and truly given up on him - then you won't spend an hour or two of your time carefully crafting an email to let him know this! (We've all been there, haven't we?)

 

You may be telling yourself you are through with him, but if he's still getting that much of your thoughts and attention - then he's still got you, somehow!

 

Carmen mentioned that she wanted to email him for "closure." Lots of women tell themselves "I'm not writing this for him - I'm writing this for me – because it will give me closure."

 

Fine - that's a good idea. But if it's for you, then you don't need to send it to *him*! He's just a past boyfriend, or an "almost" boyfriend. If he wasn't giving you his time, then why are you still giving him so much of your time??

 

It's a good idea to take all this time in your own private thoughts – working through this process of letting go. Tick tock: life is short. But the fact is, if something has a hold of our thoughts, then we just have to put in the time to get past it and move on. But the man we're thinking about really doesn't need to see this private process, does he?

 

In writing to him, you are saying loud and clear that you have NOT moved on; that you still have a case for him, even though your words say otherwise.

 

In Carmen's email, she said she is smart, strong, and independent. She doesn't need to TELL him that. It's the kind of thing that, if you have these qualities, then you don't need to *say* that you do. That makes you look as though you're trying too hard to prove you're that way, because you need the guy's approval. And if you need his approval, that makes you less strong and independent!

 

Carmen was unhappy that this is where she changed, for a while, in how she acted around him. She felt that she lost the ability to show him her strong, independent side - which is what attracted him to her.

 

The closure email might have some effect on him, but it would be so much better to simply not send any man an email out of the blue to announce that you have moved on. Quite often with men - actions speak much louder than words! The very best way to show a man that you have moved on is to leave him completely alone.

 

Email should not be for this kind of communication, either - for LOTS of reasons. Email can be saved, forwarded to anyone else; and can come back to haunt you. Keep the emails short and sweet – leave the emotion, the problems, and the confessions out of EMAIL (in most cases)!

 

So... are you still thinking about sending a man an "I'm doing great now" email - or do you have a good friend who is about to do exactly that?

 

Look at it this way: What would you think if you got exactly that email from someone you dated for a while; someone you were never serious with, or if you were; it was just for a little while, and then he changed and you saw things differently?

 

What if you really were not interested in a man romantically, but you got an email from him telling you that he was doing great now; and that listed several of his good qualities? I think you see what I mean! It would speak loud and clear that the man had been much more involved emotionally with you - than you were with him - and that he still was!

 

So please don't talk yourself into sending any man an email for "closure."

 

People do this all the time. They tell themselves, "I don't care what HE thinks of my email. I'm not sending it for him. I'm sending it for me - for closure." That won't bring you closure - it will extend your pain! And you're already hurting enough!

 

Here's how the closure email can backfire: when he IGNORES this big effort you have put into your email with your time and your emotions - while you are telling yourself you don't care about him anymore - you WILL feel hurt, and you will regret sending that email.

 

You'll wonder if he got it; you'll be angry that he didn't respond; or if he does respond with, "That's good; I'm happy for you" or "You deserve someone better than me" – you are going to feel worse, and the pain will continue on.

 

It's completely unnecessary to put yourself through that. If you want to forget someone, then leave him alone. If you want to make him start thinking about you again, then don't send an email. That in itself is enough right there. You probably will hear from him again anyway.

 

Of course, you could get word to him from someone else that you're out and about! That would be a lot more effective, coming from someone else!

 

All this time you are spending on him, you could be meeting new people who will appreciate you. After all, he was attracted to you, so other men will be too. I know how hard it is when you really care about someone and it ends. But you can get past that. And later on, you may see the "ex" in a completely different light! You may end up glad that he let YOU go.

 

Give other man a chance to meet you, so you won't be too hung up on this one. That will give you a new outlook and a much better perspective. You'll come across much less needy and hopeful. That's very, very important, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship."