LondonB Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I had an affair with an amazing woman who wanted me to leave home (wife, kids) for her. I never thought I'd leave. Then the affair was discovered and I dumped her to safeguard the family. Now - 9 weeks on - I realize the relationship with my wife is doomed anyway. And I am deeply depressed at what I could have had if I'd switched to the affair. I made an opening bit of contact and she said she didn't want to see me. However, she has a history of saying negative things that she expects me to ignore and proceed anyway (one of the ways we ended up breaking up). And I don't get many chances to try and see her as we live in different countries. My question is: should I see her while I'm (briefly) in her country? Her email to me is full of things about how I hurt her, how she bets I am contacting her while still with wife (I'm not), how I never loved her (I do), as if I had loved her I couldn't have been without her (I've found that I can't really live without her). I want to tell her all these things by email and then ring her doorbell. What do people think? She is dating again (nothing serious yet apparently). Is it too needy? Or - with someone who has always been very wary of being hurt - is showing my complete vulnerability to her a good thing?
error420 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Sounds like you have "the grass is greener on the other side syndrome". You should man up, tell your wife about the affair and seek counseling to try and fix your marriage. You are taking the easy way out. Its always easier to run. I had an affair with an amazing woman who wanted me to leave home (wife, kids) for her. I never thought I'd leave. Then the affair was discovered and I dumped her to safeguard the family. Now - 9 weeks on - I realize the relationship with my wife is doomed anyway. And I am deeply depressed at what I could have had if I'd switched to the affair. I made an opening bit of contact and she said she didn't want to see me. However, she has a history of saying negative things that she expects me to ignore and proceed anyway (one of the ways we ended up breaking up). And I don't get many chances to try and see her as we live in different countries. My question is: should I see her while I'm (briefly) in her country? Her email to me is full of things about how I hurt her, how she bets I am contacting her while still with wife (I'm not), how I never loved her (I do), as if I had loved her I couldn't have been without her (I've found that I can't really live without her). I want to tell her all these things by email and then ring her doorbell. What do people think? She is dating again (nothing serious yet apparently). Is it too needy? Or - with someone who has always been very wary of being hurt - is showing my complete vulnerability to her a good thing?
Author LondonB Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Thank you, Error - that's very helpful. If I can find a way to believe that I've made the right choice it will help me out of my terrible depression I'm now in.
steelgator Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 what you should regret is cheating on your wife in the first place, maybe then you wouldn't be in this situation...you deserve this
tallydoo Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I agree. Everyone makes mistakes, but you do owe it to your wife to try and work it out with her first. Are you in couples' counseling at all?
Stanza Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Agree that probably you got something from the affair that you were missing with the wife, but it's always worth fighting for a marriage, the years and history mean something to you, after all you did go back. It's worth breaking down what you need going forward then going to counselling with her to see if it can be constructed together.
Nukem Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Pray and Fight for your marriage. Forget the OW. Family is the most important.
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