Does anyone feel stronger and more confident since the end?

July 14, 2012

I am just curious. My own 1 year live in relationship has ended abruptly 5 months ago. It literally ended in one night and I never saw my ex since. I simply avoided places where I know he likes to go out.

He tried to knock down my confidence by constant criticisms of everything I do, including my looks, personality, how I act in front his parents, friends etc etc. during our relationship. Given how much criticism I received, I thought that it will completely knock my self-esteem (which wasn't that high to begin with).

Yet, I feel that "the ending" was a huge blessing because I didn't even realize how unhappy he made me while I was with him. I am now free to find a guy that will treat me well. If anything, my confidence has increased since I got out, and I have never been more secure in my own self-worth. I have also gained some skills that I didn't have prior to the relationship (my cooking has improved immensely, I learned how to ski, I met some cool people through him that I still talk to etc). I also feel that I am much better equipped to deal with "relationship problems" than I was prior to this experience (it was really my first very serious relationship).

It's like all those nasty things he said don't matter because I have zero respect for his opinion. Almost like coming on LS and troll calling you "ugly".

July 14, 2012

I am just curious. My own 1 year live in relationship has ended abruptly 5 months ago. It literally ended in one night and I never saw my ex since. I simply avoided places where I know he likes to go out.

He tried to knock down my confidence by constant criticisms of everything I do, including my looks, personality, how I act in front his parents, friends etc etc. during our relationship. Given how much criticism I received, I thought that it will completely knock my self-esteem (which wasn't that high to begin with).

Yet, I feel that "the ending" was a huge blessing because I didn't even realize how unhappy he made me while I was with him. I am now free to find a guy that will treat me well. If anything, my confidence has increased since I got out, and I have never been more secure in my own self-worth. I have also gained some skills that I didn't have prior to the relationship (my cooking has improved immensely, I learned how to ski, I met some cool people through him that I still talk to etc). I also feel that I am much better equipped to deal with "relationship problems" than I was prior to this experience (it was really my first very serious relationship).

It's like all those nasty things he said don't matter because I have zero respect for his opinion. Almost like coming on LS and troll calling you "ugly".

Every relationship can be a learning experience and it seems like you've learned a lot.

He doesn't sound like the kind of person that you would have grown with but rather grown apart from.

Consider yourself lucky.

July 14, 2012

Every relationship can be a learning experience and it seems like you've learned a lot.

He doesn't sound like the kind of person that you would have grown with but rather grown apart from.

Consider yourself lucky.

Yep, I feel like I am a much better "catch" now than I was back then.

July 14, 2012

Sounds like he was bringing you down. Who needs that?

July 14, 2012

Yes, I went through something similar. My ex was amazing for the first year we were together, then we went LD for 19 months. As time went on he would come to me criticizing me, putting me down, telling me he wasn't sure he even wanted to be with me anymore, would say such hurtful things... meanwhile I had done nothing but care for him, support him, encourage him to be his best.

He always said all the time how he wouldn't be where he was if it wasn't for me. Meanwhile our relationship was all about him. And what he wanted and needed. I was the one doing all the compromising all the sacrificing. I would drop anything and everything to accomodate him and his schedule, he just took advantage of me and took me for granted all the time.

He never acknowledged any good I did for him. But godforbid I said one thing, or did one thing to "rub him the wrong way" as he said, and it was like I was the worst person on earth. He would then emotionally abuse me and ignore me for days on end, he never communicated with me he just would go into hiding, not tell me what was wrong, and I'd be confused/upset/anxious/worried for days that he was going to dump me.

I was always on eggshells wondering what I would do on any given day to irritate him, I always felt like he would leave me in a seconds notice. I never felt support or full love from him. I was always keeping myself in check, thinking about what i'd say before I said it, just in case it was something he wouldn't like.

He lied to me constantly, about our relationship, about his true feelings, about his ex. He cheated on me with his ex and would play dumb every time I would ask why his ex had showed up to a certain place.

He would make me feel OK for like three months, and then pull the rug out from under me and tell me all the things he was unhappy with, that the way I acted gave him a bad taste in his mouth (the way I acted was me refusing to be disrespected by his friends).

I would go to him upset because his girl friends were so nasty to me. They hated me from day one for NO reason other than the fact their "loyalties" lay with his ex. So they would talk crap about me right in my face, behind my back, and he would defend them and excuse them. He told me word for word one day, "I didn't see anyone talk about you, I didn't hear anything, sooo... I can't help the way my friends act, besides they've been around longer than you so they're allowed to act like that. You're not. You need to go out of your way to be EXTRA nice to these people." (at the time he said this i had been with him over two years.)

I realized that I was having anxiety and panic attacks while I was with him. I never felt "good enough" for him. There was always something wrong with me. I had always been a confident girl but with him it plummeted into the ground. I had no confidence, I was insecure all the time, I had no self-esteem. He actually had me going for a while.. thinking there WAS something wrong with me! At one point I was so pathetic begging him and pleading that I'd make changes to myself.

He was always on his high horse calling me up and being cruel, saying things like "Things need to change, or else." or "If things don't change then..." insinuating he'd be dumping me. It was all emotional manipulation and control, using my love for him against myself.

And I know people always say there are 2 sides to every story, but I never disrespected him. I always put him first above everything. I defended him to everyone. I encouraged every aspect of his life even if it impacted our relationship. I held my tongue a lot when I was upset. I just accepted how he treated me. Even after he cheated, even after I knew of all his lies. Even after he made me feel so worthless and horrible... I STILL treated him like a king... and he had the balls to threaten me with a breakup?

I can't even believe how incredibly weak and pathetic I was with him. He is a master at making everyone believe he's such a great person, and he puts on the "nice guy" act. He's anything but. He's a great actor, he's a great liar, extremely selfish, self absorbed, egotistical, manipulative, controlling... he never puts anyone in front of himself...everything always has to be about him...

it sickens me. So yes, after the breakup I woke up to ALL of these things, and I can't believe how low he made me feel. I realize now what a catch I am. I'm loyal, and caring, and any man would be lucky to date me. And there is NOTHING wrong with me, as he made it out to seem.

July 14, 2012

Yep, I can relate to a lot you have written.

I also sacrificed everything, just for him to get his way. All major and minor things, he was the master and I just bowed down to his will. He made me feel that being with him is such a huge achivement because he never met a girl he liked enough (in his 30 years of life) to introduce to his parents (red flag by itself).

I neglected my work, family, friends, health, everything. He regulated my life by strict rules "because it was better for me and he knows me better than I know myself" (yeah, sure).

I went inter-state with him 3 times in one month to visit his parents who openly disliked me and advised him to break up with me. I endured it all because I thought it will get better. The more I gave, the worse it got

He also played the "nice guy" role in public perfectly. Everyone loved him. Everyone thought we were "the perfect couple". What went on behind closed doors was pretty nightmarish.

Once I moved out I actually exhaled;

I can breathe again!

July 14, 2012

I feel healthier and at peace. This has been reflected in an improvement in physical health. I haven't been sick at all since getting divorced, don't get headaches anymore, my gall bladder doesn't act up as much and I sleep and dream far better. I'm nearly two years out from divorce decree now. Also, rather than focusing on a litany of negative experiences from our M, I remember the good times and look to having more such times in the future, coupled or solo. The lessons learned are there, but they don't rule.

Glad to read you're feeling stronger and more confident. Good luck.

July 14, 2012

I feel healthier and at peace. This has been reflected in an improvement in physical health. I haven't been sick at all since getting divorced, don't get headaches anymore, my gall bladder doesn't act up as much and I sleep and dream far better. I'm nearly two years out from divorce decree now. Also, rather than focusing on a litany of negative experiences from our M, I remember the good times and look to having more such times in the future, coupled or solo. The lessons learned are there, but they don't rule.

Glad to read you're feeling stronger and more confident. Good luck.

Yes, my physical health has improved greatly. I was so stressed while in the relationship that I was always getting colds, flus and they wouldn't go away. I also felt permanently exhausted, my periods became very irregular.

I haven't been sick since getting out, I feel like I have more energy and just feeling of peace like you describe

July 14, 2012

I have this theory that we can mentally and emotionally stagnate in an LTR. And we don't consolidate the lessons learned or have the impetus to move forward in our own development until after it ends. Or perhaps put another way, hindsight is 20/20.

ES, for what it's worth, I think that that relationship was the making of you.

July 14, 2012

I have this theory that we can mentally and emotionally stagnate in an LTR. And we don't consolidate the lessons learned or have the impetus to move forward in our own development until after it ends. Or perhaps put another way, hindsight is 20/20.

ES, for what it's worth, I think that that relationship was the making of you.

Absolutely, I have changed in more ways that I could ever imagine.

July 14, 2012

Absolutely, I have changed in more ways that I could ever imagine.

I feel the same for myself as well. I feel like this relationship and esp. the end of it really forced me to do serious soul searching and deep examination of who I was with and who I became as a result of that. I now know what I will NEVER be again, and I know how and when I should set boundaries for myself and I know the serious red flags to look out for with my future partners.

July 14, 2012

Absolutely, I have changed in more ways that I could ever imagine.

I have as well, I know and feel like I've learned, grown and changed for the better in so many ways after my breakup, but only if it didn't hurt so much.

Sometimes I wish I can forget everything so I can just finally feel normal, but if I hadn't lived through everything, I wouldn't have changed so much.

So yes, I do feel way more confident and outgoing, just gotta shake off the pain .

July 14, 2012

I have as well, I know and feel like I've learned, grown and changed for the better in so many ways after my breakup, but only if it didn't hurt so much.

Sometimes I wish I can forget everything so I can just finally feel normal, but if I hadn't lived through everything, I wouldn't have changed so much.

So yes, I do feel way more confident and outgoing, just gotta shake off the pain .

I was actually surprised how little pain I felt after it ended. It was mostly releif because last few months were so bad, constant daily arguments, lack of sleep etc. I was in constant conflict with myself if I should end it or not.. I think it was clear to me then that it won't work and that's when I did most of my grieving.

July 14, 2012

I've never felt more shattered and hurt in my life

July 14, 2012

Yes, my physical health has improved greatly. I was so stressed while in the relationship that I was always getting colds, flus and they wouldn't go away. I also felt permanently exhausted, my periods became very irregular.

I haven't been sick since getting out, I feel like I have more energy and just feeling of peace like you describe

Oh my goodness, I think this was what I went through too! See, I never pieced it together until I read what you wrote above. After my break up, I haven't had those colds, flus and nausea and I actually feel so much healthier now that I'm picking up on my work out and stuff.

Similarly, I too had an ex who was very controlling of me where I ended up neglecting everything else in my life. After the break up, I honestly feel much better, less suffocated, feel like I can be myself again and that I can do things that make myself happy as well as others around me. It turns out that I wasn't really such an evil person for wanting to be myself (as my ex had always made it seem that I was) and that people actually do like my normal self than the person I was when I was in that relationship.

July 14, 2012

Yes honey! It was like a rebirth. I'm better and 'badder' than ever. I feel amazing.

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Does anyone feel stronger and more confident since the end?

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